Stupidest Comic Book Storylines

[XYZpdq]

I think I vaguely remember Iran's Pal Joker

 

[I Love Beef]

No mention of the Archie Sonic comics? These were filled with dumb storylines. Here's a page from the one where Sonic and his girlfriend argue.
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Issue 178 has always stood out to me as the dumbest. In this one, Tails and Sonic have a dispute. Here's a particularly funny page from it.
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Here's Sanic getting punched.
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My heavens, it's like furries tried to copy the drama from Inuyasha and other tsundere anime relationships.... And shit out melodramatic overblown weeaboo garbage. And it's not even entertaining or memorable.

My stupidest comic book storyline I've witnessed is a 2010s arc where Supergirl learns that Kryptonian powers are really qi powers by Chinese Superman and a qi specialist. I am not even joking about this. I honestly believe this was written because The Question Miniseries where Vic saves Superman's ass from being destroyed by Lex Luthor with a qi focusing construct revealed a unique weakness, and was a very good story on its own right, and because fanboy diehards with a seat at DC watched Death Battle enough to make it canon because this fact was a constant thorn in their side. It's not the matter that the Superman family gains the ability to cover this weakness from getting themselves killed; hell, I would love for a banished Kryptonian Saiyan like space raiding clan going GWAR and Frieza on everyone (who is NOT Zod btw), but what gets me is that it's just handwaved because apparently Kryptonian powers are an "ancient chinese secret". Fuck this shit. And Marvel and DC are wondering why anime and manga has fucked them with a foot wide three foot long barbed iron dildo since the turn of the millennium. This is not good storytelling.

 

[Garm]

I could never give a shit about mainstream modern superhero comics after that either. And I never will again. It was a sort of 'the mask comes off' moment where you can never look at the genre the same way afterwards. The story was really the end result of the entire concept of having superhero stories set in a recognizable modern world that just go on and on and on. Creating a good character is hard, but you have product coming out every single month without fail, so you can't kill them or permanently change them because you need to re-use them literally forever. This ends up sapping a lot of the dramatic weight of events, when you know that nothing of significance will ever permanently change. Don't like that character X is dead? Just wait a few years, they'll bring him back. Think that character X's new powers and look are stupid (such as electric Superman)? Just wait, it will be reverted. And so on. Spiderman having his marriage undone was just another example of this.

The world is equally static; the genre demands that the world still look like our modern world, but with super-powered characters. So alien invasions, mutant super-geniuses, time travel, etc. can never make any serious impact, which not only undermines the verisimilitude of those setting elements, but again saps the dramatic weight of events because you know that the world will only ever permanently change in sync with events in the real world. It also kneecaps a lot of potential plots; some of the more infamous 'bad comic moments' come when writers forget the cardinal maxim: never make your heroes' real enemy on the other side of the fourth wall (such as the genre conventions), because it is a fight they can never win. And that just lessens the characters. Remember when Reed Richards vowed to cure cancer, only to have the plot dropped like a hot potato? Or the attempt at having superheroes take on al-Qaeda right after 9/11? Either your fake problem-solvers can only fight other equally fake problems, or they can never actually win because those problems are very persistent in the real world. Except they can't even beat said fake problems either, because such fake problems come with characters of their own who also must be preserved; hence, the Joker has killed more people than 9/11 but continues to break out of Arkham Asylum at will, and nobody ever has enough of his shit and just kills him.

It's no accident that the 'classic', acclaimed works like Watchmen and Whatever Happened to the Man of Tomorrow? were not part of the ongoing continuity. The straitjackets imposed by the requirement that the nothing ever finally fucking end are incompatible with good storytelling.

The inherent stagnancy of the genre appeals to fans who are very attached to the status quo, who are very removed from reality, who are in a word unusually... autistic. Not all comics fans are like this, but enough are that you have lots of people grow up on these comics and have as their life's goal getting a job in the industry making stories like the ones they enjoyed. A bit too much like. Hence, we have the modern phenomenon of the people like Quesada fucking things up so that their favorite character will be like when they were a kid again. Making an already stagnant genre even more so. It also contributes to the modern problem of "too many reboots" because everyone wants to be the one to do the definitive take on Batman's origin story or whatever, so the same stories get remade again and again. It gets even stupider when their visions conflict, and they fight it out resulting in whipsawing, illogical stories (TVTropes calls it "Armed With Canon") and dumb petty drama that undermines the overall quality of the work at their company because some people just can't be put on the same team together.

One More Day, bad as it was, was just the result of several of these factors coming together at once under an unusually stupid editor-in-chief. Once I started looking at just why it happened to begin with, I knew I could never go back, even if the whole thing was retconned, Marvel formally apologized, refunds paid to everyone who bought Spiderman for years, Quesada fired, and his fields sowed with salt. And this is also why I could never care about DC any more either. Yes, One More Day was so bad, it killed my interest not just in Spiderman, not just in Marvel, but in the entire genre. Marvel's ongoing cultural vandalism by SJWs is thus for me just a source of entertainment, not angst, so I suppose I should thank Joe for that if I ever see him.

The comic book industry wasn't the only one to suffer from this. I stopped watching "The Simpsons" and "King of the Hill" when I realized that shit would just revert to the status quo. Nothing that happened in the episode actually mattered because it would never be referenced again.

Just pointing out that this is a problem across mediums.

Anyway, on topic:

The only point I can add is that thanks to the expanded universe, the drama is gone from comics.

You know how they always have that "It's us or no one moment?" The moment the heroes decide to take on impossible odds?

Problem is, there are so many heroes now, those moments shouldn't exist. The Avengers should be able to call the X-Men or Fantastic Four for support. How many teams does the X-Men have now? At least one of them should be available. Or if the situation was so important, Bishop or Cable should show up and say "this was when everything went wrong."

It's just like, can you fucks pick up a phone?

 

[Scarlett Johansson]

Am I the only one who thought the death of Lois in Injustice was dumb? Not only that but she was pregnant for bonus angst points.

I get the idea of Injustice franchise but it just seems off.

 

[I Love Beef]

Am I the only one who thought the death of Lois in Injustice was dumb? Not only that but she was pregnant for bonus angst points.

I get the idea of Injustice franchise but it just seems off.

Injustice's storyline is a fullcircle realization of the dark and edgy 1990s era of comic book stories, Death of Superman not included. It's interesting yes, but it is very grimdark and edgy.

 

[The Littlest Shitlord]

The comic book industry wasn't the only one to suffer from this. I stopped watching "The Simpsons" and "King of the Hill" when I realized that shit would just revert to the status quo. Nothing that happened in the episode actually mattered because it would never be referenced again.

Just pointing out that this is a problem across mediums.

Those shows are relics though. They came from a time when cartoons were simplistic zero-effort shit to sell toys to children, rather than things with ongoing storylines. Cartoons in earlier eras had to be static because the networks wanted to be able to just throw them on at random without worrying about order. It's sad when you think about it, because animated shows should be better able to handle progress and change than live-action. When you draw a character, you have complete control of their appearance. Their aging, their bodily changes, these happen (or not) as you wish. You can drastically change the way they look if the progression of the story calls for it; give them a cyborg body, have them die and rise again as a walking corpse, turn them into a sheep, whatever. Not so with live actors, who stubbornly age in real-time no matter what your plot might call for. Stupid actors. Stupid linear time.

It's also worth pointing out that long-term, comics-style stagnation seems to be increased by the simple fact of having more than one distinct writer or writing team over time. Usually, when a single writer makes a major change, they intend for it to stick, because it fills some purpose in the overall story. But writers don't respect each others' work. They look at a story written by someone else, a finished, working assemblage of many pieces, and just see the pieces, like autists. Like junkyard scavengers. They just want to steal what they can use and don't care about how it fit into the previous whole. Character you want to use dead? Just bring him back. Character got development, and you wanted the old version back? Just undo it. Of course, for comics you pretty much have to have this attitude, because bad writers happen and good characters and other setting elements get gratuitously trashed all the time by Hamhands McDipshit for emotion that the stupid hack was too incompetent to earn legitimately (or by editorial mandate to grab a temporary sales spike).

Having multiple writers in sequence is also a great way to have important details forgotten or just gratuitously changed because the new guy didn't like them or didn't understand their intended purpose and introduce tons of continuity problems.

Of course, franchises like comics that are intended to go forever (or at least until the money runs out) have to have multiple writers over time, as old writers die/quit/get fired/get bored and want to do something else, so that's another way in which never-ending franchises sabotage themselves.

Years ago, I eventually reached the conclusion that all such long-running, multiple sequential author franchises were destined to be unsatisfying to me, and stopped caring about all of them. I haven't regretted it since.

Anyway, on topic:

The only point I can add is that thanks to the expanded universe, the drama is gone from comics.

You know how they always have that "It's us or no one moment?" The moment the heroes decide to take on impossible odds?

Problem is, there are so many heroes now, those moments shouldn't exist. The Avengers should be able to call the X-Men or Fantastic Four for support. How many teams does the X-Men have now? At least one of them should be available. Or if the situation was so important, Bishop or Cable should show up and say "this was when everything went wrong."

It's just like, can you fucks pick up a phone?

One More Day was an example of that too. There was some mutant named Elixir who Spiderman knew who could literally have healed Aunt May over the phone. There are so many superpowered people running around that if you want something major to happen you either need to explain why none of them did anything about it, or accept opening up gaping plot holes like that.

 

[Water-T]

One More Day was an example of that too. There was some mutant named Elixir who Spiderman knew who could literally have healed Aunt May over the phone. There are so many superpowered people running around that if you want something major to happen you either need to explain why none of them did anything about it, or accept opening up gaping plot holes like that.

THISTHISTHIS. Elixir regrew a teammate a NEW HEART after it got ripped out of his chest. He also made a tumor in the shape of the X logo grow and disappear in the Vanisher's brain.

Spidey could have easily called Xavier up and said, "Hey, can I borrow Josh for a few minutes so he can heal my Aunt's fatal gunshot wound?". Not only would be get teleported there in seconds by Nightcrawler, but Elixir would have healed her osteoporosis, menopause, and senility on top of that.

 

[Scarlett Johansson]

THISTHISTHIS. Elixir regrew a teammate a NEW HEART after it got ripped out of his chest. He also made a tumor in the shape of the X logo grow and disappear in the Vanisher's brain.

Spidey could have easily called Xavier up and said, "Hey, can I borrow Josh for a few minutes so he can heal my Aunt's fatal gunshot wound?". Not only would be get teleported there in seconds by Nightcrawler, but Elixir would have healed her osteoporosis, menopause, and senility on top of that.

Didnt he later start dating Selene tho? And eventually died.


Oh on stupid topics can I mention reverting Psylocke back? Racism be damned because I thought yeah it sucks she ain't white anymore but her Japanese body was and is iconic. Its literally the one everyone remembers because she really was only in her original body right when she showed up after Morlock Massacre. It was only for a few years before Spiral did the Body Shoppe surgery on her. Like...1988 I think? So she's been Asian for about 30 years before they decide 'Oop. We can't have that shit naw. Let's split them up and make it more confusing"

Now it's odd. I like that she is Captain Britain again but then you have Revanche back. So does Revanche have a British accent? Or what? Its racking my brain.

 

[Uranus Pink]

Spidey could have easily called Xavier up and said, "Hey, can I borrow Josh for a few minutes so he can heal my Aunt's fatal gunshot wound?". Not only would be get teleported there in seconds by Nightcrawler, but Elixir would have healed her osteoporosis, menopause, and senility on top of that.

İsn't just Xavier, Spidey could have called up almost literally every single hero and even a few villians to come save Aunt May and they would have came to do so.

 

[Water-T]

Didn't he later start dating Selene tho? And eventually died.

That was his fellow classmate, Wither. He had the ability to cause any living material to decay by touching it....including people. He ran away from Xavier's after he disfigured the arm of Josh's love interest Wallflower and she got sniped to death by Rev. Stryker.

Selene then took advantage of his mental state and seduced him to her side, was her second in command during the Necrosha event, and then crumbled to dust when Elixir used his powers against Kevin.

Oh on stupid topics can I mention reverting Psylocke back? Racism be damned because I thought yeah it sucks she ain't white anymore but her Japanese body was and is iconic. Its literally the one everyone remembers because she really was only in her original body right when she showed up after Morlock Massacre. It was only for a few years before Spiral did the Body Shoppe surgery on her. Like...1988 I think? So she's been Asian for about 30 years before they decide 'Oop. We can't have that shit naw. Let's split them up and make it more confusing"

Now it's odd. I like that she is Captain Britain again but then you have Revanche back. So does Revanche have a British accent? Or what? Its racking my brain.

Betsy's mind is back in a British body with her original TK powers, but minus the Legacy Virus that killed her original body the first time. Recently, her twin brother Brian lost the mantle of Captain Britain and it passed onto her. She leads the new Excalibur.

Kwannon's mind is back in her original Japanese body, but with the TK powers similar to Betsy. She uses the Psylocke name now and leads the Fallen Angels.

 

[Scarlett Johansson]

I kinda like that. Excalibur is getting interesting. Cullen Bloodstone showed up, fucked Rictor, and trolled them all. Meanwhile Rogue and Betsy are bonding again.

Haven't kept up with FA but I did see something recent. Wolverine I think (?) asks her to stand guard on Krakoa for something

 

[Recoil]

It's a story line from the early 90's IIRC. The bad guy is a blond dude in a white suit who sits atop a throne of stolen TV's and smokes crack.

 

[HeyYou]

Devin Grayson's run is mentioned, but you forgot one aspect. Did you know that Richard John Grayson is Romani? Welp, he is (get it, circus must mean gypsy)! It was even recanonized in Rebirth, of all fucking things to bring over, except now it's his mother instead of his father.

 

[Well Intentioned]

It's a story line from the early 90's IIRC. The bad guy is a blond dude in a white suit who sits atop a throne of stolen TV's and smokes crack.

You're leaving out the best part: this is part of a storyline where they turned the Punisher black.

Long story short: Frank Castle gets sent to prison and gets his shit fucked up by Jigsaw. Horribly scarred, he goes to a plastic surgeon who does "experiments in melanin" which ends up in The Punisher being made into a black dude.

 

[Y2K Baby]

plastic surgeon who does "experiments in melanin"

Is he the true mastermind villain of nu-Marvel

 

[Well Intentioned]

Is he the true mastermind villain of nu-Marvel

She's a chain smoking drug addict, so probably a hero?

 

[Cool kitties club]

You're leaving out the best part: this is part of a storyline where they turned the Punisher black.

Long story short: Frank Castle gets sent to prison and gets his shit fucked up by Jigsaw. Horribly scarred, he goes to a plastic surgeon who does "experiments in melanin" which ends up in The Punisher being made into a black dude.

Not the first time that has happened :

 

[Commander X]

Speaking of stupid, consider Kevin Smith's Batman comic The Widening Gyre, which is centered around a new superhero who’s come to Gotham, and he’s instantly the best thing ever and Batman’s new best friend. Batman’s ex, Silver St. Cloud, returns to Wayne Manor in an attempt to get back together following the death of her husband. At one moment, he ends up slapping her around a bit because he suspects she is a robot clone. She understands though because he needs to learn to trust that not everyone is a robot duplicate.

As someone I read somewhere put it, the book plays out more like a silly stoner version of a dramatic Batman comic, reaching for dramatic highs but forgetting to actually have the plot justify the events. This is a Batman comic where Poison Ivy actually shows up and doses him with marijuana in the first issue. From the art to the writing, one has to hop down to the bottom rung of 90's indie comics to track down something as stupid as a Batman and Robin story where Robin wears a yarmulke and says "Now I am a man" while sort of fighting some Nazi villain types.

This is the comic where everyone is able to fool or beat Batman, because he is written as being actually really terrible at being Batman.

 

[Cactuar King]

One More Day was an example of that too. There was some mutant named Elixir who Spiderman knew who could literally have healed Aunt May over the phone. There are so many superpowered people running around that if you want something major to happen you either need to explain why none of them did anything about it, or accept opening up gaping plot holes like that.

THISTHISTHIS. Elixir regrew a teammate a NEW HEART after it got ripped out of his chest. He also made a tumor in the shape of the X logo grow and disappear in the Vanisher's brain.

Spidey could have easily called Xavier up and said, "Hey, can I borrow Josh for a few minutes so he can heal my Aunt's fatal gunshot wound?". Not only would be get teleported there in seconds by Nightcrawler, but Elixir would have healed her osteoporosis, menopause, and senility on top of that.

That's the retarded thing, he did. He went to Doctor Strange and asked him to remove the bullet, he said he couldn't, but used his magic to let Spidey visit everyone on Earth who could help him, and none of them could. Because a bullet wound in a nonegenarian is just too hard for Doctor fuckin' Doom to fix.

 

[5t3n0g0ph3r]

For classic "bad storyline," the Clone Saga ("It was Aunt May all along! What baby?") hands down.
Civil War II ("Isn't Captain Marvel great?! Look how great she is! Did I mention how great she is?") is high on the list as Secret Empire ("Ha! Captain America was a Nazi all along! Take that incel!").
But the one event that made me swear off an entire title was One More Day.
As a Spider-Man fan, that comic insulted my intelligence and fostered feelings of contempt for Joe Quesada. I still hope that someone will come and retcon that hot garbage.