Secret Gamer Girl / SecretGamerGrrl / Googleshng / "Violet Hargrave" / Jacob Lawrence (Jake) Alley / Violet Cassandra Ocean - Delusional Zoe Quinn Stalker, Libelous Tweeter, Thirsty Gnome, Faux-Tranny Neckbeard Incel, Micropenis, "Known Troubled Person", Creator of "Massive vs the Masses", Self-Described "Noise Making Thing"; Lives in Niantic, CT

some little KF twerp:
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"Joke's on you, I wasn't even listening but also everything you said was wrong."
Jake always wants to eat his cake and then eat it again. Of course he blocked shutup_man immediately, but he still saw messages from him sometimes because if you do the right combo your message breaks blocks I guess?
 

Lol at thinking he has a 10,000 page thread here. You're not as interesting as you think you are, Jake. A lot of the thread that does exist here consists of your own spergouts.

We're actually your biggest audience, so please show some respect once in awhile Ms. Ocean.
 
Lol at thinking he has a 10,000 page thread here. You're not as interesting as you think you are, Jake. A lot of the thread that does exist here consists of your own spergouts.

We're actually your biggest audience, so please show some respect once in awhile Ms. Ocean.
Another of his victim humblebrags. I’m surprised he hasn’t gone the whole hog and claimed there are dedicated hate sites.
 
To Jake's credit, that's a surprisingly short and readable tweetstorm from him. Probably because he's not intentionally vagueposting and can actually focus his ire on a single person without writing himself into plausible deniability like he normally trained himself to do. I didn't get a headache trying to figure it out!


On his "little bit of everything Vol.3," Jake starts playing Cibele by minor Gamergate hanger-on Nina Freeman, and not only does he not remember her, he thinks from playing the game(fake desktops and a fake MMO game tell the story of Nina falling for a guy online, meeting him IRL, giving up pussy and then getting dropped) that a biological female is MtF trans. :story:

2:55:00
Jake: And I'm vaguely under the impression that the developer and also in-game owner of this computer are both trans? Just because it seems like one of those things?
SFtheWolf: Mmm
Jake: And I appreciate the lack of organization here too like, misc, NYC, here's some random pictures, totally separate from the selfie directory here, there is something- there's an inherent creepiness to this, even knowing in the meta sense that like yeah this is a game we're about to put together, presumably with actual selfies here

2:59:33
SFtheWolf: are there enough games that, about the trans experience™ that we could make a stream out of that?
Jake: there might be at this point, I mean, this is not, I know for a fact that this is not the only "here let me go all autobiographical with my old like 1990s Mac, cause I am a trans woman game." that is out there
SFtheWolf: that's true, I originally confused this one with I think the other one you were thinking of
Jake: I'm thinking of a couple other ones which is the thing, which is kind of amazing, like there's a few, it's like it's own little mini-genre.
 
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Remember when I said, I'd make an attempt on this thread's op if I had enough free time with the other two op's I'm working on? Well one of them is taking longer than expected to get it to be higher quality with the person I'm work with so I figured I'd make an attempt on another thread I like while I still have the free time. @Done did a excellent job on the first version of the updated op but Jake's never ending sperging pretty much guaranteed more content to add to it was inevitable. I'll add in images over time and try to find them myself but if I could have help with that, I'd appreciate it. I'll use this first draft to gather my thoughts on the matter to expand upon during later versions like stuff I've missed due to being out of the loop here

2014 was a very memorable for any site that watches lolcows like Encyclopedia Dramatica, 8chan and Kiwifarms. Gamergate was just winding down at the moment but it was continuing to provide a never ending supply of different lolcows on both sides of the conflict but far more were found on the side against it. The instigator of the whole event, Zoe Quinn had formed a group of flying monkeys of her own fittingly abbrieviated as CON that among other things did things like run damage control for their members caught doing less than moral things like being pedophiles like Nicholas Nyberg, scamming their followers like Zoe Quinn herself or just flat out attacking people who got in their way like 8chan and more. Each time kiwi farms users looked into these events, a certain user by the name of secret gamer grrl kept cropping up in each of these incidents. Known at the time of their discovery for having a creepy black and white shushing girl avatar and for just being flat out unhinged in all of their posts regarding gamergate, users on the site began to look into this user, seeing great potential for a lolcow even as gamergate quietly flamed out. Their opsec was surprisingly good at the time leading many users to wonder who exactly this mystery individual was. The dramatic reveal came in less than a week after the thread's creation, revealing Secret Gamer Grrl to be a balding, fat, bearded middle aged man named Jacob Lawrence Alley who at the time still lived with his parents.

Finding the gnome

Jake's opsec was surprisingly good at the time, most people on gamergate, loudly broadcasting who they were or the dox of their enemies to draw attention to them. Jake's docs were revealed by a simply slip of having a way to link his paytreon for gamergate articles attacking people being able to be linked to his regular old pay pal which was revealed in the patreon leaks in 2015.

This lead to finding several online handles of Jake such as his failed gaming company, world domination LLC, his oldest online profile Googleshgn on the talking time forums he still goes to and his profile he uses for writing internet articles, Violate Hargrave. Jake continues to deny being doxed to this day refrencing some old photos that were mistakenly identified as him during the early days of the thread before more evidence was found

home life vs gnome neetlife

Jake has consistently proven by his own admission to be a burden to his family, remaining unemployed and the only actual job he had of note being a grocery store clerk who left the job in a few weeks because he found manual work beneath him. His own family is advised against giving him money and his entire relationships with them can be described as strained at best. This is the man, who went to his own cousin's wedding despite being not invited and encouraged not to go, showing up in a dirty pair of sweat pants and a ill fitting t-shirt and wearing a actual coolie hat, a epic sense of poor taste but made even worse by the fact his cousin was marrying a chinese woman.

Other users have contrasted the bizzare things Jake has claimed with @CyrusKissFanClub contrasting Jake's views of gender dysrophia against what actual doctor's say or users @Jaimas and @Hellfire giving us more insight to jake's lazy and defeatist ways of gaming all chronicled in the original op Done made on this page right here: https://kiwifarms.net/threads/secre...e-alley-violet-cassandra-ocean.23920/page-615 (what are you waiting for, go read it, it's pretty excellent)

Jake constantly whines about having people accompany him, a man in his late 30's to buy clothes for him while making wishlists on amazon of all sorts of things he wants others to buy for him. His patreon is arguably an excellent argument against the site as a whole as he produces literally nothing in exchange for getting paid. All of Jake's tweets are consistently shown to be coming from his desktop as he shit talks various people like his own mother, gamergate, kiwifarms, brad wardell and many more.

Jake constantly cries abuse about his horrorific abuser he lives with (his own mother who likely just tells him he isn't trans because he doesn't have dysrophia or that he's still a guy if he won't shave his beard among other things). Jake has had a an attempt at making his own board game called the massive vs the masses, which he self published himself and constantly tested, putting himself thousands of dollars in the hole, having another gaming company beat him to the punch with a much better game (mosterpocalypse rules) and having excess copies of the game used for insulation in his own attic that he sleeps in and never leaves except with his mother apart from one major incident. He tried again to make up some of the losses with a game called redshirt, only losing out yet again by not actually getting the game out and constantly fine tuning it.

In true ratking fashion, he showed up at a few conventions to push agendas in gaming where photos of him taken with kathrine cross and tanya depass. Most of the rat king has cut off Jake due to not transisitioning despite his claims of being trans (and also a huge toxic blackhole of neediness but we'll get into that later) leaving Jake mostly alone with his mother at home as well as suicide prevention cat, a cat he claims has prevented him from killing himself several times others

gnome vs the internet, a never ending war

Jake has consistently shown himself to be ferociously needing and very demanding like an emotional black hole that will never be satisfied. He's frequently being caught mansplaining to different users about trans issues despite not being trans and constantly obsessing over getting people like zoe quinn back with him instead of people that consistently show him support like Dmol.

His oldest account, googleshng has been his oldest at 2 decades and covers his entire pre gamergate foot print on various sites including talking time, where he accumalated over 16,000 different posts where he's gained a reputation as a boring and rambling user who frequently uses the word Yon as he describes whatever resturaunt his mom took him to

His twitter account Secretgamergrrl is his primary account for culture warrior, claiming himself to be a transwomyn with some absolutely bizzare views of the world both in terms of actual twitter troons and real life. A comprehensive list of some of his greatest hits on twitter at the time was provided in the old op and will be listed and linked here for your benefit. they're all excellent examples of Jake not leaving the house to experience anything

Jake constantly slips up on identifying himself on his twitter account by saying violet hargrave is also a tabletop game designer, that he goes to a bookstore petting zoo combo in his house and saying he lives right near the ocean all the while tweeting away in the attic instead of going outside.

Jake will constantly be vomitting forth hot twitter takes within the hour, often to the point of over 25 tweets in just under an hour as @Null found out when he did a stream on Jake himself. Many users have abandonded Jake because of this or just put him on mute as they don't want their timelines being clogged up by the rantings of a crazy person. Jake's final online person violet Hargrave is just a female name he can write under for various articles that he took over a year to produce.

The vile Rahkashasa

Jake has a history of verbally savaging any one on twitter who dares besmirch his waifu's honor or any person who offends social justice. This includes people like Brad Wardell who got savaged by lazy pro gamer gate journalists before it was cool, fredrick brennan who runs 8chan and who jake is obsessed with and our topic of discussion for this bit, Rani a indian who works with riot games for diversity. She got into a heavy spat with Zoe Quinn, correctly pointing out, Zoe Quinn, didn't want equal representation in games and just wanted to control the game's industry outright. Jake would savage her for literally years on twitter user the racist dogwhistle of calling her a rahkashasa and never mentioning her by name until one of his waifu's lead to other people on the internet finding out by accident because no one cared what Jake Alley did on twitter.

Notice Me Zoe-Senpai!!!!

Jake has obsessed over Zoe Quinn for years, seeing her as his ticket to the big time and out of mommy's attic and into his new mommy's pants. When Zoe dropped the vast majority of Crash Override network because she couldn't use them any more, Jake felt betrayed. He constantly begged for Zoe to let him come back into his arms and ended up getting mixed up with Nora Reed, pissing off Zoe Quinn and Randi Lee Harper espicially, getting his name added to a Randi's own blocklist on twitter, losing a vast majority of his influence on twitter. Jake making his own zoe post to try and strong arm zoe into coming back with him, would be essentially ignored in Zoe's case or laughed at in other cases

Discount mommy number 2, a blue haired fake jew

A side effect of Jake falling out of favor with Zoe Quinn and her circle was it didn't leave him many places to belong. Sure, he fell in line with Nora Reed and her gang of outcast zoe quinn pals but he quickly wore out his welcome with them to with his endless sperging. He decided to get togehter with Remembrance Bex, a decently high profile person in gamer gate and also a girl herself to, which was a major plus in his eyes. It didn't go well to say it nicely. It led to Jake's sperging on becky's old boss to be uncovered and promptly lambasted for and landed him with someone just as much as an emotional vampire as himself on twitter he'd never leave her.

A new gnome burrow

If you'd browse this thread for a couple of 100 or so pages, you'd honestly be asking yourself, "Will Jake ever change?" You'd be right in saying Jake himself, wouldn't change himself but outside factors will change around him. Jake's grand father ended up croaking and Jake found himself getting a new appartment in the city which was a great surprise to many different users on sites that follow him. Given Jake's consistent lack of ability to care for himself, many don't expect the appartment saga to last as long as the attic saga.

images of new appartment: (pretty sure zed was the one who found them. Only saw them once so I'd just like to make sure it's the correct ones.) relevant googleshngs: (if you've seen one picture of his twitter rants you can literally say you've seen them all so having a fact checker for this might be helpful) pictures of Jake IRL (Done's op provides some good ones on that front but I don't want to rip off their style any more than neccessary when making my op) picture's of Jake's old home, picture of suicide prevent cat and jake's mom: (again done's op is excellent on that front
 
thanks for the tip. Anything else I missed?
a balding, fat, bearded middle aged man named Jacob Lawrence Alley who at the time still lived with his parents.
Only with his mother, his dad long since flew the coop.

who left the job in a few weeks because he found manual work beneath him
He was fired, actually. He walked off the job because he was "sick" and then acted shocked at the predictable consequences.

Jake constantly whines about having people accompany him, a man in his late 30's to buy clothes for him
He's mentioned it once or twice but I wouldn't say "constantly".

Jake constantly cries abuse about his horrorific abuser he lives with
Doesn't live with her anymore.

having another gaming company beat him to the punch with a much better game (mosterpocalypse rules)
I'm not sure if Monsterpocalypse beat "The Massive..." to market but what really pushed Jake off the deep end was getting beaten to market with "Red Shirt".

Most of the rat king has cut off Jake due to not transisitioning
They don't care about that - half of them are just as low-effort troons as him. They cut him off because he's toxic and annoying.

constantly obsessing over getting people like zoe quinn back with him instead of people that consistently show him support like Dmol.
Dmol gave up on him.
That's for part 1 anyway. Jake loves seizing on nitpicky details to claim journalism about him is fake news, so denying him that chance should be priority #1 in an OP.
The whole thing needs a rewrite for style and grammar too, but that's something that could be taken care of later.

In general I don't think Jake's interactions with people like Soha and Bex are the most interesting part of his saga though. I've gone on record as wanting more of a psychological approach than a timeline approach, personally.
 
I took a stab at writing a "facts" OP up through CON:
Jacob Lawrence Alley is a man who first rose to lolcow notoriety during Gamergate, under the pseudonyms "Secret Gamer Girl" and "Violet Hargrave". After creating social media accounts under these noms de guerre, he immediately jumped into the kerfuffle as a particularly frenetic and spiteful member of Zoe Quinn's Crash Override Network. As is typically the case, the appearance of this vitriolic single-purpose account led onlookers to suspect that something interesting was lurking behind the mask.
They had no idea.
While "Secret Gamer Girl" had remained anonymous - aided in large part by having minimal contact with the real world - the Patreon database leak of 2015 revealed the man behind the curtain. "Violet" was in truth none other than Jake "Googleshng" Alley, a former columnist at defunct website RPGamer. To the merriment of all (but the surprise of none), the secretive "trans woman" was revealed to be a bald, grey-bearded, obese NEET living in his mother's attic in the seaside town of Niantic, CT.

The Long Road Gnome
The outlines of Jake's early life are somewhat hazy, given that we have only his own feverish reminiscences to go by. It appears, however, that our hero was a sullen, antisocial dork throughout his school years, until discovering the internet and involving himself in videogame fandom. From November 1999 to July 2005, he wrote Q&A columns for RPGamer.com under the name "Googleshng"; in a pattern that would repeat throughout his public career, he appears to have distinguished himself primarily by the sheer quantity he produced. Googleshng also ran a website from roughly 1999 to 2008, containing a blog, some remarkable MSPaint comics, and various cruft relating to tabletop gaming.
Jake's next "professional" venture was World Domination LLC, his self-publishing imprint for board games. His first and last work would be "The Massive vs. the Masses", an asymmetrical game based on monster movies. Due to the auteur's nonexistent social circle, playtesting was minimal and the art was crude. Unsurprisingly, the game was a complete failure. His next attempt was to have been "Red Shirt", a game based on the Star Trek trope, but his indolence and general incompetence led to its languishing in development hell for years and ultimately being scooped by another game creator.
His gaming career a failure, Jake would spend the next several years in his mother's attic, immiserated in debt and surrounded by hundreds of copies of his unsold magnum opus.
While Googleshng's trail largely goes dark at the tail end of his "professional" career, evidence suggests that he continued to socialize in gaming-related online venues such as Talking-Time and /tg/. In addition, he gradually developed an affinity for games and fiction featuring outré material such as transhumanism, guro, and gender transformation.

The Crusader That Wasn't
Our gnome would return to public life in September 2014 as "Violet Hargrave". While the precise circumstances remain unclear, Alley managed to get this newly-minted persona inducted to Crash Override Network ("CON"), a group of "anti-harassment" vigilantes led by Zoe Quinn, in (date needed). This group quickly became Jake's primary social outlet; he spent endless hours talking at other members in the group chat, and carrying water for them as @SecretGamerGrrl on Twitter. It became evident that Jake was staking his future on Crash Override; between Quinn's overblown promises and his own feverish fantasies, he imagined CON becoming a sort of Wiesenthal Center of the internet, and himself as a full-time paid Nazi-hunter. As has been chronicled elsewhere, this did not come to pass.
Ironically, the very traits that originally made Jake a useful attack dog for CON - his flair for catastrophizing, scant regard for facts, and monomaniacal devotion to internet slapfights - would ultimately alienate him from the very group that had become the central pillar of the crumbling edifice of his mind. Being more than a little socially unconscious (to coin a phrase), Jake eventually chose the wrong side in a number of internet controversies, alienating prominent figures such as Randi Lee Harper and ultimately Quinn herself. Excommunicated from CON and hemorrhaging followers and sanity, from this point onward "Violet" became increasingly frantic and paranoid on Twitter, while sinking down rung after rung on the internet's social ladder.

I'm not particularly happy with this because it's pretty long and doesn't really touch on what makes Jake fun to follow. But maybe it's OK as the start of an introduction. Feel free to steal anything in here you find worth stealing.
 
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Lol at thinking he has a 10,000 page thread here. You're not as interesting as you think you are, Jake. A lot of the thread that does exist here consists of your own spergouts.

He still wishes he was Brianna Wu. He can't even manage that amount of "success."
 
So Jake tweet-stormed the most autistic description of boiling water, perhaps ever. View attachment 1226446


Here it is in copy pasta form (we're talking 30+ tweets):
OK. Another depressing day here. Let's have some positivity. Time for everyone to have some RANDOM UNSOLICITED TIPS ON COOKING FOR YOURSELF!

One of my dozens of back burner projects is I'd some day like to write a book on cooking specifically aimed at the sort of person who has absolutely never once even thought about making their own meals at home with absolutely zero assumptions. Like, start in on how to functionally use a stove and buy groceries and such, so let me dip into my notes on that because I figure at least a few people reading this really are coming from that as a starting point and in a sudden live field test. So! Let me randomly teach those people the real fundamental basics of oh... boiling stuff!

So OK! Boiling is like the most foolproof way of cooking things, because it's all about the scientific properties of water. It's a liquid, so at least at the sort of scale you're going to have in a pot on your stove, any point in a body of water is going to have the same temperature as any other point, and the boiling point of water, where it stops being a liquid sitting in a container and just dump all the ingredients in at the start and set a timer for when it's all done, there are very few ways to screw things up. There are still a couple though, so, again, no expectations tips here: First step to boiling anything is you want to take a pot of some sort over to the sink (pots are the big deep metal things that are kinda like a bowl and a cylinder had a bay), fill it up with cold water, move it to your stove, and crank that burner all the way up. If you're making something super bland like pasta or potatoes or something, maybe pour some salt into the palm of your hand (just enough that it's like, visibly piling up there, not just random scattered crystals) and toss that in. Then you leave that thing alone. Don't add anything else yet. The whole foolproof nature of boiling is all about that constant science-made temperature. Once you have a boiling pot of water, with bubbles roiling around and steam coming out and such, that's going to put a fixed amount of heat into whatever you toss in, but if you just throw stuff into cold water and then heat it up, it's going to be all inconsistent, because now how quick your burner heats up and how much water is in there and... basically the trick to cooking well is to just cut out as many variables as you can so you have a consistent baseline and can just tweak the few you have left next time if you don't like the results.

The next thing to worry about with boiling, and this, really, is kinda true for all kinds of cooking- the bigger something is, the trickier it is to cook evenly. Because again, liquids are easy, all the molecules bounce around all over for even temperatures. Solids need to jiggle that heat in from the outside to the inside, so like, the closer something is to being a big sphere or cube, the more you have to worry about the outside being really cooked and the inside still being raw. So... generally when you're boiling stuff, you chop it up first. If you've got some big long thing like a carrot or a squash you want to chop that into discs. If you're throwing in potatoes, like, cut'em in half, cut the halves in half, and then cut those quarters in half. That's generally enough. Maybe skip that or just cut'em in half with fingerling potatoes. And meat, similar deal. You don't generally want to throw any pieces in that are bigger than like... a AA battery or like, 1/4the size of a can of tuna or something.

Also, hey, just in general, when you're cutting stuff: Put the thing you're cutting on a cutting board, hold it steady by like a tip with your off-hand, maybe a fork (especially for meat), and carefully cut it one chop at a time. If you're getting at all near your fingers, just... stop. Through that big end piece of the carrot or whatever out. It's fine. Really.

And after you're done cutting stuff and transferring it to where it goes throw out any sort of leftover packaging, especially from meat, wash your knife, your cutting board, and your hands. Especially with chicken. Treat raw chicken like it's some kind of scary alien acid poison where you have to totally keep contained so nobody gets infected or touches the goo (and also never serve like, rare chicken). Also there's a hopefully obvious exception to that chop everything up rule for very liquid-y things. If you're boiling an egg, you boil the whole egg, and take the shell off after. Tomatoes are like, the most watery thing you still want to cut up.

So anyway, somewhere in this process, you have stuff to dump into water which is now really boiling. So the next concern is, hey, don't splash boiling water on yourself.

When doing anything even near a stove, you want to avoid any sort of really loose clothing like poet sleeves or something (really long sleeves in general, capes are right out) so nothing touches a heating element and catches you on fire but like... wear pants (or a long skirt), wear a shirt. Don't do the sexy apron thing. If a little boiling water splashes out and hits your clothed thigh, that's a bit warm. If it hits bare skin, that's really going to burn you. Keep pets away form the whole area too. And small children. Etc.

Also don't like, throw stuff into the pot. Just kinda drop everything in from a very low height. If you're chopping stuff, you can kinda slide it off the edge of the cutting board with a knife all gentle. If you're dumping in pasta from a box, hold like a bottom corner and tilt it in slowly. Also! Weird time to mention this, but here's the rough math on how much water you should have in the pot vs. how much food. If you're making any sort of like soup or sauce, the water is one of the ingredients, so, follow that recipe. Otherwise, you want at least as much water as it's going to take for the water level to be higher than the pile of stuff going in there. Halfway or a little over halfway for an empty pot is usually good. You never want to go right up to the lip though, because you're adding stuff, it's going to displace some water and boiling water overflowing from the pot is kinda Bad

Also! When you're making dry pasta or rice or any other dried thing like that that's going to be hydrating in the pot, remember it's going to basically double in volume after absorbing the water, and also consume that water. So like, 1 cup of rice+1 cup of water=2 cups of cooked rice and no water. If you're cooking just rice you actually kinda want that sort of a result, but mainly I'm mentioning this because if you're like, eyeballing how much pasta you're making as you're pouring it in, you need to remember you are actually going to end up with double.

And aside from that rice exception, you don't want to ever go and absorb all that water. Also, once you're done dumping stuff in your boiling water, it's usually good to take a spoon or a fork or something and kinda swirl it up a bit. Get the water really moving to make sure nothing just stuck to the bottom of the pan and it's all moving around. Some people say you need to come back and keep doing that now and then, but honestly you can generally do it once and by the time things would settle again, the water's back up to a real angry boil and doing that for you. So anyway, you boil everything for however long, and then depending what it was, either you have a pot of soup here, or a pot of something to drain. In the latter case, you should, hopefully have a colander. Big bowl full of holes and a couple legs. You stand that sucker up in an empty sink, shut the stove off, carefully take your pot by both handles and carefully move it over, and slowly dump it all into that colander. Then set the pot aside, back on the stove works, grab the colander, lift it up, shake it up and down a little, and tada.

You've got your boiled food, no longer soaking in water. you can either dump that back in the pot and add sauce or whatever, or dump it into some plates/bowls, or do what I do sometimes with like perogies and just let'em cool off and grab'em right out of there. When you can, you do want to rinse that colander off since starch and stuff makes them all sticky. And when you're done with a pot, wash that too. Real awkward to do it all after you eat and have dishes and such in the sink to deal with. Meanwhile for soup, generally you just turn the burner down once the recipe says it's done. Some stoves literally have a big "low" setting, otherwise like, stick it on 1 or 2. You can just kinda take a big serving spoon and ladle everything right from the pot on the stove into bowls. If you're a huge slob and just made a little saucepan full of instant ramen or mac'n'cheese or something and want to lazily eat it right out of the pot, I won't stop you, but you do want to take that pot off the burner first, and either have it on a cold burner or like a potholder or something. The metal is going to stay hot for a good long while. Anyway, that's basically it. It's nice if you have a full teapot handy to just put that on any still-hot burner you might have, either to make some tea while the stove's nice and hot, or just to keep that burner covered with something as it cools. Do always make sure you've double checked everything is turned off when you're done cooking. Wash stuff sooner than later. Oh and there's a thing people encourage people to do especially with like soup and chili and such where you stick a tasting spoon right in the pot while things are cooking to be sure all the seasoning is good. DON'T DO THAT! It's gross and unsanitary, it's a good way to get sick if you're doing something with meat in it, and it's a good way to burn yourself. If you really want to do that taste test thing, get to that point where you turn the stove down to low, get a regular freaking spoon in one hand, and a napkin in the other. Carefully grab a spoonful, hold it over the napkin, bring it away from the stove, blow on it a little because it's still freaking boiling, taste that, wipe up any mess you made, wash that spoon now.

You don't generally need to make corrections to seasoning ratios like ASAP. Soups stay a big liquidy mess and with heat on low they can honestly kinda live on the stove all day. You can come in way late, add extra spices or whatever, stir'em in a little, leave it simmering a bit longer, and it's fine. No reason for anything to ever be going into your mouth then back into the pot. Also don't be too afraid to ever tweak recipes. If something says to add onions and you hate onions, OK leave'em out. If something says to add lemon juice and you think limes are just inherently the better tasting real sour fruit, sub that in every time. Personally basically every time I see "salt" I just mentally substitute "adobo" because everything else in this little jar I think nicely compliments basically everything. And if you're a fan tossing a little shredded or powdered cheese onto like anything right after you put it on a plate/bowl so it just starts to melt a little just kinda classes up most things. Oh and something I was already going to say before my mentions lit up with it- The one thing that's even easier as a cooking method than boiling stuff is using a slow cooker/crockpot/instant pot (these are, I'm pretty sure, all different names for the same thing). You just throw everything in (although you generally want to just do this when there's some water or other very wet ingredient), put the lid on, hit the start button, and come back hours later, and bam, great food. It's kind of a boiling/steaming combo, at a low enough heat nothing is going to burn, and a long enough time that that whole large-solid-bits-don't-cook-evenly thing is a non-issue. I just throw whole freaking chicken breasts in that thing, screw it. The only real catch, especially if you're doing all this cooking for yourself because you're stuck at home, is it's like, minimum 4 hour cooking times, so you want to start your dinner when you're like, eating lunch or maybe even breakfast and then you have to smell something delicious all day long. The ideal use case for them if when you're actually going to be out all day and don't want to have to cook when you get home. Just, dump everything in, make sure you're not leaving it somewhere precarious turn it on, leave, go shopping, see a movie, whatever, come back that night, bam, food's ready and it's like perfect. Now all that said, wash your dishes as soon as you're done eating, seriously. Like sometimes yeah you still want everything to soak in hot water for a bit, but the less time you give food to get all dry and crusty and stuck to everything, the easier it is to just add a little soap, give things a rinse, and have that nice clean kitchen and eating area again.

This is aimed at the mole children Trump's liberating as we speak
 
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