Tess Holliday / Ryann Maegen Hoven - Beached Landwhale model, Body positive and social justice snacktivist, and gigantic fraud

[LetThemEatCake]

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When I see Tess parked on that picnic blanket, all I can think of is how many people it took to get her back on her feet after the shots were taken. She couldn't get up from a kneeling position half a decade ago, she probably needs a forklift by now.

Come on Tess, we all know people your size never sit on the floor willingly.

 

[Barbarella]

I subbed to FFF for a short time. My last box was last summer, and yet I got that primer and that skin light thing.

I think they must have boxes of leftover stuff they send out to influencers. How much do they pay? Probably minimally.

If you take a picture with your box, tag it and put in IG you can win stuff. Pretty much any influencer with a large enough following can get at least one free box. I wonder if it was #spon with actual money or just a free box of stuff.

 

[multiverse]

When I see Tess parked on that picnic blanket, all I can think of is how many people it took to get her back on her feet after the shots were taken. She couldn't get up from a kneeling position half a decade ago, she probably needs a forklift by now.

Come on Tess, we all know people your size never sit on the floor willingly.

It's obvious that Jolene is now her "photographer" as well as her permanent host, nanny slave, stylist, and haul-er upper.

Edit: and here is what she gets out of it. It may be less now, this was 8 years ago.

 

[Trombonista]

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She couldn't even get the good stuff:

 

[Miss Misery]

She couldn't even get the good stuff:
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I'll see your ^^^^^ and raise you https://www.nongshimusa.com/homev2/bowl-noodle/kimchi-bowl/

 

[JambledUpWords]

She couldn't even get the good stuff:
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I'll see your ^^^^^ and raise you https://www.nongshimusa.com/homev2/bowl-noodle/kimchi-bowl/

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Both of your suggestions sound delicious. Your biggest mistake was assuming that Tess would have a taste other than extreme salt or sugar overload. I bet she barely tastes the chicken flavor in the ramen she eats, since she probably eats pretty quickly. I see her like Amberlynn. Deathfats always seem to have the worst taste in food (if they even taste it at all).

 

[Miss Misery]

Both of your suggestions sound delicious. Your biggest mistake was assuming that Tess would have a taste other than extreme salt or sugar overload. I bet she barely tastes the chicken flavor in the ramen she eats, since she probably eats pretty quickly. I see her like Amberlynn. Deathfats always seem to have the worst taste in food (if they even taste it at all).

Ramen in general is nothing but a fat and sodium bomb, so you're definitely right there...

...but MY suggestion is TWO SERVINGS!!!

 

[JambledUpWords]

Ramen in general is nothing but a fat and sodium bomb, so you're definitely right there...

...but MY suggestion is TWO SERVINGS!!!

Tess would definitely like that. I can’t see her limiting herself to one thing of ramen though. She’d need at least two of those two serving ramen packs to get full (on top of a bunch of other things). Tess says that her favorite food is soup, and the stuff that she gets from some restaurants looks like it would be three to four meals for a normal size person.

 

[LetThemEatCake]

Last time she was in London, she got some obliging friends to run out to Pret and by her lunch, which she then instagrammed. It was three packets of the same egg-mayo sandwiches (Pret claims them at just under 400 cals a pack) and three packets of crisps.

She confirmed it was all for her. Her lunch was a day's calories. Nearly 1200 calories in sandwiches and 450 or so in crisps. Lunch = 1600+ calories. Doubtless she also ate breakfast and dinner and 'snacks' that day too. Add in drinks too, you know she doesnt drink water.

So yes, Tess eats three times what normal weight people do per meal and is thus three time the weight of normal people. This should not be rocket science, but apparently cause and effect are tough concepts for deathfats.

 

[Gay Mouth]

They look scary. It's like her wrist and hand is detachable. How is that not alarming to her? And I have not even got into the obvious sun damage. Does she never wear sunblock? She's a "fashun moddle" but she doesn't seem to worry about taking care of her skin much less the rest of her body.

Holy shit.

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It looks like she might be able to peel her hand off as if it's a glove (and probably reveal a pig hoof underneath it).

Making those glow drops look real sexy

 

[Constellationzero]

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Looks like Tess got more cupcakes

Ghetto GTA font on the package: Check.
GTA Low Rider "artwork": Check.
Ratchet decorations on cupcakes: Check.

Bad Lee Press on Nails with about two weeks worth of neglect shown in spon post: Check.
Frightening skin discoloration seen through tard scribbles on forearm: Check.
More chins than a Chinese phonebook in spon post: Check.
Shitty washed-out "Rockabilly" dress probably balled up in the bottom of Jolene's closet: Check.
Obligatory "Classeh" Cheese board with grapes appropos of nothing in spon post. Proves she's "Hulthy.": Check.

Yep. This will definitely bring in the REAL moddle contracts.

 

[FuckDuckSeagull]

View attachment 1451394Making those glow drops look real sexy

She looks like she's slowly drowning inside her own body.

 

[JambledUpWords]

Ghetto GTA font on the package: Check.
GTA Low Rider "artwork": Check.
Ratchet decorations on cupcakes: Check.

Bad Lee Press on Nails with about two weeks worth of neglect shown in spon post: Check.
Frightening skin discoloration seen through tard scribbles on forearm: Check.
More chins than a Chinese phonebook in spon post: Check.
Shitty washed-out "Rockabilly" dress probably balled up in the bottom of Jolene's closet: Check.
Obligatory "Classeh" Cheese board with grapes appropos of nothing in spon post. Proves she's "Hulthy.": Check.

Yep. This will definitely bring in the REAL moddle contracts.

This is the only thing that Tess should model:

Spoiler

 

[Miss Misery]

Last time she was in London, she got some obliging friends to run out to Pret and by her lunch, which she then instagrammed. It was three packets of the same egg-mayo sandwiches (Pret claims them at just under 400 cals a pack) and three packets of crisps.

She confirmed it was all for her. Her lunch was a day's calories. Nearly 1200 calories in sandwiches and 450 or so in crisps. Lunch = 1600+ calories. Doubtless she also ate breakfast and dinner and 'snacks' that day too. Add in drinks too, you know she doesnt drink water.

So yes, Tess eats three times what normal weight people do per meal and is thus three time the weight of normal people. This should not be rocket science, but apparently cause and effect are tough concepts for deathfats.

I mean I love an egg mayonnaise from Pret, but THREE? Plus three bags of crisps? Jesus Christ.

Also I found the differences between the UK egg mayo and the US egg salad and arugula interesting; Americans want more fat, salt, and sugar - okay I guess it's less interesting and more completely expected...

	UK		US
Energy (Kcal)	363	Calories	460
Fat (g)	10.3	Total Fat (g)	24
of which saturates (g)	1	Saturated Fat (g)	3.5
Carbohydrates (g)	46.9	Carbohydrate (g)	40
of which sugars (g)	2.6	Total Sugars (g)	7
Protein (g)	17.8	Protein (g)	17
Salt (g)	1.3	Salt (g)	1.8
Sodium (mg)	521	Sodium (mg)	700

 

[Cheesegirl78]

WTF is she talking about? What did they do that she's proud of??
I guess whatever it is isn't as important as making sure everybody knows she knows them..

I believe the founders of the brand are two Hispanic women, and we all know how Tess loves to pander to the Pee-Oh-Cee.

 

[Local Fed]

I believe the founders of the brand are two Hispanic women, and we all know how Tess loves to pander to the Pee-Oh-Cee.

She needs to focus a little less on POC and a lot more on BMI.

 

[Golgo 13]

She needs to focus a little less on POC and a lot more on BMI.

remember the BMI is sexist and body shaming, you have to be a part of the body positivity movement. (Sarcasm)

I wonder how many toilets she has destroyed with her massive shits.

 

[Water-T]

M

Holeeee fuck - Tess has got some scary wrist cankles going on there, not to mention that whoever does her ghetto nails (most likely Jolene) doesn't seem to fucking bother with her cuticles.

 

[MathildaLeon]

Last time she was in London, she got some obliging friends to run out to Pret and by her lunch, which she then instagrammed. It was three packets of the same egg-mayo sandwiches (Pret claims them at just under 400 cals a pack) and three packets of crisps.

She confirmed it was all for her. Her lunch was a day's calories. Nearly 1200 calories in sandwiches and 450 or so in crisps. Lunch = 1600+ calories. Doubtless she also ate breakfast and dinner and 'snacks' that day too. Add in drinks too, you know she doesnt drink water.

So yes, Tess eats three times what normal weight people do per meal and is thus three time the weight of normal people. This should not be rocket science, but apparently cause and effect are tough concepts for deathfats.

The ozone layer has re opened

I believe the founders of the brand are two Hispanic women, and we all know how Tess loves to pander to the Pee-Oh-Cee.

Yes and I am Latina and so proud that my kind of aesthetic and music is finally being out there but to have Tess...Tess??? Reblog that shit? Ew. Go away. We don't need you.

 

[multiverse]

Something to remember about our favorite homeless ham: while she is depending on sponsored Instagram posts (and the occasional feeder fetish session), her engagement rate is extremely low for a so-called "celebrity". In fact, her rate of engagement is on the lowest end of average for an influencer:


Because her engagement rate is fairly low, her paychecks for sponsored content will be lower despite her many followers; many of the accounts following her are either dead, or not interested in most of her content.

But with regard to Fab Fit Fun, she hasn't earned a cent yet - they pay you $8 per sale via an affiliate link, at the end of the "season":


So the soonest she will see any cash for her recent FFF post is early September. Meanwhile, with an engagement rate of 1.2%, what kind of sales might she expect?

Well, not everyone who engages with her posts via likes and comments is going to buy something - bot everyone sees every post she makes; many comments are negative and from people who would not purchase anything she promotes; some people like her but not the product; some people like the product but not enough to click; etc etc. An average click-through rate on an Instagram affiliate link was .5% as of 2018:


So Tess might expect 0.52% of her 1.2% engaged followers to click on her link and get her paid:
2,100,000 followers
× .012 engagement rate
× .005 click through rate
= 126 suckers clicking
× $8
= $1,008 payday in September

This works out to just over $1000 potential dollars for her post, IF she gets her usual engagement on a #spon post - and she's not getting as many likes and comments on her #spon posts as she does on her feeder thirst traps.

So it's more likely she can expect closer to $800 or less for this post. With her one other sponsorship, and being taxed at a very high rate as an independent contractor, Tess is likely making around the same or less than she was on a $25k salary as a dental receptionist, with more tax being taken and no health insurance included.

/ my autism