Some time after sending his voicemail to Patti, Doug was back on his laptop chatting on Skype with his friend Caramelkh, who bore quite a resemblance to a childhood friend of his back in Bluffington.
“So my B-family is being a bunch of conservative bigots again by taking away all my dresses and panties and whatnot and saying they’re my B-stepmum’s, and they’re also discriminating against me yet again just for being scatosexual. Anyhoo, hoo was your day Caramelkh?”
“I got rejected from a job interview by yet ANOTHER orange male cis scum saying I wasn’t ‘qualified enough’ and instead they gave my job to a so-called ‘more qualified’ cisgender-privileged purple-privileged womyn. And on top of that, I had to go to Bluffington Hospital for a sinus infection and when they asked me to provide my sex, they only had male and female available on that form!!! Clearly this is a conspiracy by the patriarchy to marginalize-“
Another window suddenly popped up on the screen showing Skeeter’s face.
“Never, I repeat NEVER call Patti again or I swear to Blue Jesus I will chop off yo’ balls and feed them to you!!!”
"But I thought-"
"NEVER again, you hear me? Or are you deaf or retarded or some shit?"
“ABLEISM!!! ABLEISM!!!”
“Chalky? The fuck is he doing here?”
“Ummm, excuse me, I go by ‘Caramelkh’ now, not my birth-assigned male name. And I’ll have you know I am a non-binary genderfluid pony-kin, and my preferred pronouns are ze/zy/zo/zum….”
“Yeah, and I’ve got ‘internalized white/orange/purple/lime green supremacy’ or some other Tumblr crap. Anyway Doug, why the hell are you still trying to talk to Patti when she clearly wants nothing to do with you?”
“My restraining order finally expired, so clearly she must want to talk to me again. She’s going to have to at some point since we’re destined to be married-“
“Whoa, back the fuck up son, you’ve got it all wrong. Patti’s marrying me!” said Skeeter as he showed Doug a photo of him and Patti wearing her engagement ring.
“Okay, that picture’s clearly shopped, anyone could have made that!”
“It’s legit, Doug. More legit than your creepy fantasies about Patti anyway.”
“It’s not creepy, it’s the truth. Patti is going to marry me someday, and there’s nothing you can do aboot it.”
“No, she’s marrying ME and there’s nothing your creepy spastic ass is going to do about THAT!!!”
“ABLEISM!!!”
“Shut the fuck up Chalky, just get the hell out of here!”
“VERBAL ASSAULT!!!! VERBAL ASSAULT!!!!!” shouted Chalky/Caramelkh as he/she/xe tripped over the power cord and unplugged his/her/xir computer, shutting it down and logging him/her/xir out of the conversation.
“Anyway Doug, just leave me and Patti alone and we won’t call the cops and issue you another restraining order.”
“Why are you so mean to me now Skeeter? We used to be best buds, whatever happened to that?”
“We never were, Doug, I should have told you the truth a long time ago. Look, we always thought you were creepy and weird from the first time we met you, we knew all along there was something legitimately wrong with you. The only reason we even hung out and put up with you in the first place was because your dad and Principal Bone paid us to do so, and when your family ran out of money and you moved away, we no longer had any reason to talk to you.”
“THAT’S NOT TRUE!!! THAT’S IMPOSSIBLE!!! WHAT OTHER FALSE LIES HAVE YOU BEEN SPREADING ABOOT ME AND PATTI!?!?!?”
“It’s the truth. Anyway, I have to go into work at the Honker Burger in a minute-“
“What do you know aboot Honkersota’s existence? What else have you been hiding from me?”
“There is no such place Doug, good luck getting laid if that ever happens.”
“Well it already technically happened to me.”
“Yeah, and I’m really the Governor of Honkersota.”
“No it did happen!”
“With who? Lemme guess, one of your inbred toothless stepcousins.”
“No, it was with Dirtbike.”
“Whoa, you mean Cleopatra?!?! Your sister!??”
“Well she did kinda coerce me….”
“Coerced you? How?”
“Well we were talking aboot what me and Patti are going to do sexually once we’re married and oot of the blue she told me ‘Welp, I’mma suck your penis’..”
“Wait, how old was she?”
“She was 8 I think, I knoo she’s 9 now… Yeah, she’s pretty fucked up to be a rapist at 8. Oh, and she also gave me a rimjob recently too. Wish I could have given her one but there were feces in there. Which really sucks vag because I WANNA LICK AN ANUS DAMMIT!!!”
“Wait, you’re telling me that you had sexual relations with your eight year old sister??? You know that’s against the law, right?”
“But listen Skeeter. She never ACTUALLY said no… so it’s okay!!!”
“No, dude. No. She was 8.”
“But-“
“NO!!!”
“Doug, what you did was rape. YOU RAPED DIRTBIKE!!!”
“HONK HONK!!!”
“Why do you still honk like that?”
“I have Tourette’s syndrome. But that’s not the point. The point is you committed a heinous sex crime against your own sister and you’re going to prison now you’ve admitted it straight to my face.”
“Okay, but you’re proving my point. That pedophilia should not be illegal.”
“It SHOULD be illegal, and it IS!!!”
“That’s what I’m saying though, it’s a stupid law!!!”
“Look, if you really think that way, then go out into Bloatsburg Square and protest legalization of it and see how people react to you marching around asking to have sex with kids. Or whatever other fucked up kinks you have.”
“But I’m not ACTUALLY having sex with kids, I just approve of pedophilia!! What is wrong with-”
“EVERYTHING!!! Look, I really am not in the mood to talk to you. You are clearly just as much of a threat to society as you are to Patti and your sister and I will do everything in my power to have you locked away for good. You hear me?”
“But hoo am I a threat? I’ve never even harmed another living being. Well, besides Porkchop on accident.”
“Wait, you’re telling me YOU’RE the one who killed him???”
“Yeah, I was just experimenting with him and I ruptured his rectum by accident and killed him. Which really sucks because I WANT TO FUCK AN ANUS DAMMIT!!!”
Skeeter promptly closed his laptop and rushed to the bathroom to throw up into the toilet bowl.
“Skeeter, sug, are you alright in there?” asked his fiancée Patti.
“Not at all. Will you call Honker Burger and tell them I’m calling in sick to- * BARF *”
