What dead celebrity would have a thread here if they were still around today?

[US Marine Hyde]

I think MJ would have had a decent amount of content to sustain for a while

I like to think that he would have had a pretty inactive 20-30 page thread with a trash OP, that would one day blow up hugely after an /r9k/pol/ schizoposter, in the middle of an insane multi-post screed railing against journalists, Jews, women or some combination thereof, accidentally posted a picture in which you could see part of his reflection and something that kind of looked like a platinum music award in the background. Now that would be content.

The Jacobins and Robespierre would have had a thread, and all the little failed uprisings in 1830, 1848, etc. would have had hilarious, albeit brief, happenings threads.

 

[Syaoran Li]

I only know of the water head Habsburg, what about the other ones?

Well, the penultimate Hapsburg monarch is pretty much responsible for World War I, so...

Granted, he was part of the Austrian branch as opposed to the Spanish branch that gave us Charles II and are synonymous with royal inbreeding.

Walt Disney.

Look deep into your heart, you know it to be true...

Let's be real here, if Walt Disney was a Late Millennial or a Zoomer, he'd be a slightly higher-functioning /pol/ kiddie and probably also be an unironic eugenicist like MovieBob.

Granted, he pretty much was pro-eugenics IRL but it was a lot less of a taboo in the pre-WWII era.

Well, you do have the Womb Wizard at least? She hasn't claimed to be literally channeling the ghost of Michael Jackson since her parents chopped down the internet for trying to seduce preteens on Deviantart though.

Damn, beat me to it.

On the topic of artcows, Andy Warhol because fuck that guy.

Andy Warhol would be either one of the site's biggest lolcows or one of the site's greatest shitposters, sort of like GG Allin in that regard.

As for some other dead celebrity lolcows, I'd figure they'd play out in certain ways.

Kurt Cobain would be a whiny SJW soyboy bugman
Marlene Dietrich would be an arch-thot with an OnlyFans page
Andy Kaufman was pretty much the prototype for Sam Hyde and Deagle Nation
Huey Long would be an internet political grifter like Sargon or Vaush
John Holmes would probably be a horrorcow or a careercow

There's a fuckton of groups that would deserve a thread in Community Watch if KF existed back then

The Puritans, Jacobins, Posadists, Libertines, Japanese Red Army, and the Ghost Dance are some of the ones that immediately come to mind.

 

[Cedric_Eff]

Jack Swigert for the shit he did after Apollo 13.

 

[Chongqing]

I came to say Charlie Sheen but apparently he's still alive.

 

[Scarlett Johansson]

Aileen Wuronos

Ted Bundy

Russell Harty

 

[ToroidalBoat]

Sylvia Browne?

(she claimed to be psychic, made failed predictions, etc.)

 

[Fromtheblackdepths]

I came to say Charlie Sheen but apparently he's still alive.

Are you sure about that?

 

[Chongqing]

Are you sure about that?

Well, you made me Google it.

Can I ever be sure?

 

[Fromtheblackdepths]

Well, you made me Google it.

Can I ever be sure?

No i'm refereeing the fact the fact that Charlie Sheen could easily be a zombie that hungers for cocaine.

 

[Beautiful Border]

Not sure if he counts as a celebrity, but Ricardo Lopez. He was basically Russell Greer if his obsession was Bjork instead of Taylor Swift and also was in the body of Randy from Trailer Park Boys.

Also, Mark David Chapman. I'm convinced that Catcher in the Rye was for boomers what Sonic the Hedgehog was for millennials in the way it attracted an inexplicable amount of maladjusted weirdos.

 

[Saklas]

Kurt Cobain, he'd likely constantly be virtue signalling on Twitter if he were still alive.

Yep, he was already a feminist who constantly painted female reproductive systems all the time. He'd probably fit in with the worst of them!

Michael. Boysucking. Jackson.

Maybe he'd be an advocate for transracialism too.

 

[Shield Breaker]

Nah, I think Edgar Allan Poe would more likely be a KF shitposter or a Nick Rekieta figure

https://www.gutenberg.org/files/32037/32037-h/32037-h.htm

https://www.boston.com/culture/history/2017/10/30/edgar-allan-poe-born-in-boston-was-a-19th-century-hater-of-bostonians

Pretty sure he was cow material.

 

[Syaoran Li]

https://www.gutenberg.org/files/32037/32037-h/32037-h.htm

https://www.boston.com/culture/history/2017/10/30/edgar-allan-poe-born-in-boston-was-a-19th-century-hater-of-bostonians

Pretty sure he was cow material.

True, but I also kind of think Poe's one of those figures where he's both a cow and a witty IRL shitposter as well. Like, he'd be the kind of guy who gets halal'd but doesn't get banned and still hangs around the forum doing his thing.

As for why Poe hated Bostonians despite being born in Boston is because he was raised in Virginia and mainly identified himself as a Southerner, culturally speaking. He spent most of his adult life living in either Virginia or Maryland, and both Richmond and Baltimore claim him as one of their local historical figures.

 

[Lunete]

While neither of them were lolcows themselves the fight between Thomas Jefferson and John Adams would have been hilarious to watch unfold on Twitter.

 

[William Tell Underpass]

Elvis would be well placed here.
He used to go to small towns, ask the local police chief to deputise him and give him a badge for his collection, then would drive around the town all night arresting people for random shit.

 

[JaneThough]

James Joyce. Go read his love letters.

 

[Maamtis]

Alexis Arquette.

Hoo boy, you guys would have had a field day with him/her/him.

 

[Trapitalism]

Jackson Pollock? - Lazy "artist" and alcoholic.

I'd also say Madonna but she's still alive.

 

[Joe Swanson]

Charles Manson during the height of the Manson Family would be deserving of one, especially once the murders started happening

 

[Siryakko212]

Elvis would be well placed here.
He used to go to small towns, ask the local police chief to deputise him and give him a badge for his collection, then would drive around the town all night arresting people for random shit.

Is that story true? It's pretty funny regardless. I heard of another story where Elvis would go fly on a plane all the way to Colorado just to go eat a hamburger at some restaurant.