Horrorcow Lucas Werner - A man of Spokane, Washington who is obsessed with millennial and Gen Z chicks

[Stafford Beer Bong]

After subjecting myself to three straight hours of Lucas madness as 1 AM last night all I have to say is it was all worth it for the grand finale sing-song freak out at the end of klickitat’s video. So I’ll leave you with this pic which pretty much sums it up.​

 

[Free the Pedos]

Sometimes I like to step into Luke’s shoes when it comes to his more hilarious delusions. By far, my favourite is his scholarly aspirations...

The world-renowned fertility research lab at Spokane Community College hums with the sound of cutting edge technology. Ranks of microscopes are attended to by the students of Biology 101. Within a week, they had quickly moved on from labelling parts of a cell and learning about photosynthesis to conducting advanced research in the field of age gap relationships.

Between these rows of microscopes, the wise professor paces, hands clasped behind his back. He will pause occasionally at one student or another, peering over their shoulder before nodding with fatherly approval and patting them on the back.

“Professor I.... I think I’ve found something!”

The speaker, clad in a white lab coat and sporting a fashionably greasy ponytail, raised his hand. He was Lucas Werner, the professor’s brightest student. He had made waves in the scientific community with his hypothesis on age gap relationships, which was published in his entry level English class the other week. Young Wern was viewed as something of a maverick by the rest of the faculty, particularly the millennials, but the professor saw a talent in Lucas that many others couldn’t.

His moustache bristling with excitement, the professor strides briskly over to his student. Lucas steps back, allowing his mentor to gaze through the aperture of the microscope. The professor adjusts the dials slightly, focussing in on his student’s discovery. Meanwhile, the other students watch in humble anticipation.

The professor’s eyes grow wide with surprise, and wider yet with awe,

“Great Scott Lucas.... you did it! You’ve found the telomeres!”

The lab erupts in applause. Some had called him a madman, others a fool but Lucas - soon to be Dr Lucas - had proven them wrong.

As per tradition, the female Gen Z students line up to be ceremoniously groped by the triumphant scientist. With his latest discovery, they will surely spread his gospel to the other females on campus, who would in turn submit themselves for his insemination.

Lucas beams with triumph. He had done it. He had found the telomeres.

THE END

Pls write a follow up where he discovers the Zoomer Zygote (TM).

 

[King Daddy Telomerase]

Hold on. Please, PLEASE tell me there is no way this absolute horror of a human being is enrolled at SCC again. No. No way.

How in the fuck does an obviously unmedicated mentally ill homeless deviant with a history of predatory sexual behavior get back into college with his target victims? And on the tax payer dime? Does anyone know if this is true?

It's probably true. Mental health facilities push you to go back to school. As far as Lucas' history, I think his only legal predatory sexual history is with 50 year old Suzanne and was how many years ago now.

 

[LeeLoo]

It's probably true. Mental health facilities push you to go back to school. As far as Lucas' history, I think his only legal predatory sexual history is with 50 year old Suzanne and was how many years ago now.

What kills me is that watching those To Catch a Predator shows, I can’t help but think if simply messaging a minor is a crime, how has Lucas not been nabbed? There’s tons of evidence of him sexually propositioning minors. I also believe accounts of him having run ins with young girls at SCC. I truly can’t believe he can go back.

 

[ThomasAudley]

What kills me is that watching those To Catch a Predator shows, I can’t help but think if simply messaging a minor is a crime, how has Lucas not been nabbed? There’s tons of evidence of him sexually propositioning minors. I also believe accounts of him having run ins with young girls at SCC. I truly can’t believe he can go back.

He lacks transportation to get to the bait house.

 

[King Daddy Telomerase]

What kills me is that watching those To Catch a Predator shows, I can’t help but think if simply messaging a minor is a crime, how has Lucas not been nabbed? There’s tons of evidence of him sexually propositioning minors. I also believe accounts of him having run ins with young girls at SCC. I truly can’t believe he can go back.

Lucas is just pussy enough and cognizant about anything under 18 to not do anything illegal. You have to directly ask a girl whom you are aware is under 18 for sexual interest. What I've seen from Lucas are general statements that he would impregnate younger girls.

 

[WonderWino]

Lucas is just pussy enough and cognizant about anything under 18 to not do anything illegal. You have to directly ask a girl whom you are aware is under 18 for sexual interest. What I've seen from Lucas are general statements that he would impregnate younger girls.

.....He's not as cognizant about that as you might think, or at least he didn't used to be. At one point he flat out asked a minor in virginia for nudes, was flat out told by her what he was asking for what very illegal and he kept pestering her for them claiming it was ok because the age of consent in WA is 16....which didn't apply in his case regardless and even if it did is irrelevant because asking for nudes from a minor is felony solicitation of child pornography that has nothing to do with the age of consent. He denies this ever happened despite there being literal evidence she herself provided that found its way into this thread. No idea why she didn't report him but if she had he'd be be in a prison cell in virginia right now and a registered sex offender for life

tldr: hes already done enough to land himself in prison, the only reason he isn't there right now is because she failed to report him

 

[dirtydeanna96]

Did Lucas just compare black people to Klingons? WTF....

Every trekkie knows that Klingons are analogous to russians

 

[mothman96]

.....He's not as cognizant about that as you might think, or at least he didn't used to be. At one point he flat out asked a minor in virginia for nudes, was flat out told by her what he was asking for what very illegal and he kept pestering her for them claiming it was ok because the age of consent in WA is 16....which didn't apply in his case regardless and even if it did is irrelevant because asking for nudes from a minor is felony solicitation of child pornography that has nothing to do with the age of consent. He denies this ever happened despite there being literal evidence she herself provided that found its way into this thread. No idea why she didn't report him but if she had he'd be be in a prison cell in virginia right now and a registered sex offender for life

tldr: hes already done enough to land himself in prison, the only reason he isn't there right now is because she failed to report him

Even though the 16 yr old didn't report him, he still committed the crime therefore he is a sex offender.

 

[LeeLoo]

Even though the 16 yr old didn't report him, he still committed the crime therefore he is a sex offender.

Exactly. I can’t understand how he keeps slipping through the cracks.

 

[Gas Station Boner Pills]

"Drop a BITCH then" he says repeatedly in his newest series of tard rants. Back to calling women bitches I guess. Wasn't he the one howling about mysogny and calling women bitches in one of his last recorded public break downs?

"THEY'RE BITCHES AND THOTS...THEY'RE BITCHES AND THOTS!!!!"

For fuck's sake, lottery drawings have better consistency than this guy.

ETA:

Watch out for Mr.Big here. He balls out hard with that tard check and still manages to make it back before bed time at the homeless shelter.

 

[Wernology]

"Drop a BITCH then" he says repeatedly in his newest series of tard rants. Back to calling women bitches I guess. Wasn't he the one howling about mysogny and calling women bitches in one of his last recorded public break downs?

"THEY'RE BITCHES AND THOTS...THEY'RE BITCHES AND THOTS!!!!"

For fuck's sake, lottery drawings have better consistency than this guy.

ETA:
Watch out for Mr.Big here. He balls out hard with that tard check and still manages to make it back before bed time at the homeless shelter.

Lucas also has a better chance of winning a lottery jackpot than he does of ever getting a girlfriend, let alone getting some poor woman knocked up or getting a PhD in "age gap breeding".

 

[Fatal Walter]

Oh man, this guy has some good quotes.

"They're dudes that would understand what a chick would want, because they're gay."
"Oh, I've got a nice car so I'm the top liberal dog cause I've got three girlfriends!"
"But if they're poor they're the BAD liberals so you won't date them, but if you do you only date them because they hooked you up with heroin or meth... uhh... or you're just there in the cumfest porn festival. Because the dude's got a flat bill baseball cap he's so unique!"
"Meanwhile you're going to enjoy fermentation of alcohol while being an agephobe, despite the fact that it's age. All the water on the planet is billions of years old."

I have no idea how I became a hipster or suddenly stopped disliking PBR. It's amazing watching him try to retaliate. He just makes things up on the spot. Couldn't even decide if I was a democrat or a Trump supporter.

It's a testament to Lucas' lunacy that he complains about how young women aren't lining up to have sex with men from the homeless shelter. Any sane person would laugh just imagining it. I guess it's not any more crazy than that idea that the government should throw dances for 40 year old men to meet 16 year old girls. Such a tragedy that game was never finished.

Edit:
I also find this funny.

He better figure out how to spell queen before he goes back to school. Must be slang then. Well, we know he gets all his slang from urban dictionary so let's see what it says about kween.

Hm.

 

[mothman96]

He blows $500 a mo. on "fine dining/food" and weed. That's why the incompetent 40 yr old (soon 41) Freak needs a "payee". As @Da Dude123 brought up prior, if it wasn't for the "payee" he'd blow through all his monthly check and not have any savings. And yea, gorging at places like Atilanos and the Chinese place is "fine dining" to the psycho freak.

 

[WonderWino]

It's a testament to Lucas' lunacy that he complains about how young women aren't lining up to have sex with men from the homeless shelter.

I'm surprised none of the other hobos tried fucking with him by telling him that there were some zoomer baes lined up at the shelter, but that they were there when he wasn't there because he was out getting drunk in the woods and left because they couldn't find him. That would drive him mental

 

[Particle Bored]

I'm surprised none of the other hobos tried fucking with him by telling him that there were some zoomer baes lined up at the shelter, but that they were there when he wasn't there because he was out getting drunk in the woods and left because they couldn't find him. That would drive him mental

They should do it while he's up in the dorm so they can watch him scramble and fall down stairs and whatever on his mad dash to the door.

"Aw, dude... you juuuuuuuuust missed her."

(them maybe point to some chick walking away waaaaaay down the block, and then watch him collapse from exhaustion after a dozen lumbering strides in her direction)

 

[Wernology]

"If you're not gonna put pussy on my dick, you're GREEDY."

"If you're not (greedy), drop a bitch then!"

"If you're against greed, drop a bitch then!"

"Drop a bitch then, greedy!"

Tell us how you're not a misogynist again, Lucas?

The singing starts after the "Lucas struggles with a mask while shouting about bitches and greed" bit. He even sings about physical fitness dropping like he's never seen a mirror in his entire goddamned life.

"To create a baby, they gotta run with a dude with a car."

Okay, dude.

Edit: Here's a bonus that I know will make Lucas rage, and we all know he reads this thread: My stupid IG and linked Facebook where I do those card readings on him both notified me today that they're eligible for monetization for hosting paid online events as well as generating revenue through cheap af to run ads (seriously, you can run an ad for a week for about $6 and still reach several thousand people).

He's been trying and failing to get that shit since he started on social media and I put up a joke set of social media less than a year ago and get approved without even fucking requesting it.

Edit 2: You know what else made me laugh this afternoon?

Back on Sept 6th, I did one of those stupid card readings with the question of, "Where is Lucas?" and he pretty much confirmed almost 100% of it on the podcast on Friday.

He should be sending me the lousy $3/month he gets from Patreon as payment for archiving his shit and accurately narrating his life from the other side of the continent before he even knows what's going on, which is complete sarcasm because already today I've made $4 off of a random IG post boost off of a $6 ad that's two days in so I'm already close to making as much as he does from the Patreon he never updates anyway.

Hey Lucas, want to know how the rest of your October will go?

$5 per question, buddy! Special offer just for you, it's free for everyone else.

It'd be free for you too, but you blocked my IG so you don't see the posts.

 

[boner_alert]

What kills me is that watching those To Catch a Predator shows, I can’t help but think if simply messaging a minor is a crime, how has Lucas not been nabbed? There’s tons of evidence of him sexually propositioning minors. I also believe accounts of him having run ins with young girls at SCC. I truly can’t believe he can go back.

It seems Lucas' saving grace is that he is a literal homeless screaming lunatic with absolutely nothing but his jizz hardened jeans and the shirt on his back, drenched with the kind of sweat only the combination of fat and zero hygiene could produce. The caveat with those To Catch A Predator is intent, proven by the pedo traveling to the minor and/or some kind of pedo grooming trinket or treat, shout out to Mike's Hard Lemonade

Lucas has no means of travel or offerings. All his tardbux goes to junk food. His body mass of several gunts solidified really shows his work. And even if he somehow tricked a minor to make her way to him, he doesn't even have a crack shack or spot under the bridge to commit crimes of anal horror, thanks to his history of creepy psycho behavior so that even the crack head and other misc vagrants reject and run him off

 

[TurdFondler]

Trying to wrangle a girl by saying you've got $500USD in discretionary funds per month. That shit wouldn't even impress a Liberian mail order bride.

 

[Chris Jericho's Penis]

IDK about it impressing hot girls 20 years younger than you, but having $500 of fun money a month is pretty decent. If it comes after paying rent/mortgage, utilities, groceries, health insurance, medical bills, car insurance, and saving at least 2x that for retirement/a house down payment/whatever. Lucas, of course, does none of those things.