I’ve been trying to collect my thoughts this past week. I’ve been trying to process all the emotions as I’ve gone through them. This has been, by far, the hardest month of my life. The rollercoaster of emotions my heart has gone through has been absurd.
I feel guilt. I feel like I should have known something, or noticed something, or had any idea about what the hell was going on around me. How could I have missed this? I feel like I let down a community that has trusted us to respect them in the same way we expect to be respected in return.
I feel anger. I am pissed off that a platform I helped establish could be abused in such an extreme way. Every time I read a thread, or a story, or a tweet, another dagger. It hurts, and I’m pissed. We set out to create an example and a foundation has been stripped away. I want you to be able to trust us, but I cannot imagine that will come easily. I’m going to try.
I feel sad. How long will it take to return to some kind of “normal.” This has shattered a legacy that we’ve created over the years. When will we be able to sit down and not have this whole event nagging in the back of our minds.
This sucks. This really is the worst.
If you know me, you know I like to focus on the positive side of things. I try to process things using perspective. This has been a monumental task recently. Let me impart a few things to you.
There has been an outpouring of support and love from our community for those of us standing in the wreckage. It is my sincere hope that you’ll give us a chance to entertain you. Things are going to be rocky, but my focus is now on repairing our relationship. We’ve all been hurt, and let’s rely on each other to get back on our feet. Every tweet, every email, every post I’ve seen that wishes the rest of the team love and support helps immeasurably. I cannot wait to return to a stage and perform in front of a crowd. I need that positive energy in my life, now more than ever.
Another thing; everyone handles things differently. Some people get filled with negativity, some with anger, rage. For me personally, I handle things with humor. When my brain is bouncing all around with stress and emotions that I can’t handle, I tend to crack a joke or two. Gallows humor. Some people may think this is me trying to downplay the significance of what is happening, or just ignoring it. I understand that, but it’s just my personal way of processing. Even if I get a small laugh, or a smile out of someone, it reminds me that there is still joy to be had, no matter through what we’re going through. There is nothing wrong with this either, so if you see someone making light of a situation, don’t automatically assume they are callous to it.
I know it’s hard to trust people right now, but I cannot live assuming that everyone I meet is a monster. I have to assume that people are in general, good. Times like now create an environment where it’s difficult to trust the people you look up to, but I promise you, most people ARE good. I personally cannot live my life assuming that everyone is garbage. I’m not saying every single person on Earth is good, that is obviously not true. But I’m going to continue giving people the benefit of the doubt until they prove otherwise.
I feel love. From so many people. And I thank you for that. I also feel so much pain for those involved, and those of us caught up in it. This hurt us, a lot. But this will not define us. We will persevere. We will thrive. We will be better. We have to be.
