My Ryan Haywood Story
I have been terrified of sharing my own Ryan Haywood experience with the world. Reading all these different stories has forced me to relive my own, and as such, I’ve had multiple panic attacks this past week. I never thought I could ever share my own story. I feel so ashamed of what I did and so utterly stupid for becoming a victim. However, I feel that if I ever want to forgive myself and move forward, I have to share my story.
My first contact with Ryan was back in late 2018 when I was 18. During this time, I lived with my abusive father and was on the brink of ending it all. I sent Ryan a message on Snapchat explaining how I enjoyed the videos he was in and thanking him for being such a positive force before telling him that I was resting on the edge. I wasn’t expecting to hear back from him, but to my surprise, he responded rather quickly. We talked for awhile and he helped me through my thoughts in a way that felt so genuine.
The next day, I get another message from him. He saw some photos of me and commented about them to me. I thought this was rather nice of him as I had and still do have self-esteem issues, something that I told him about the night before. The next few weeks were normal. We talked like we were friends and had a fun banter going on. Then one day, he started making suggestive comments, and at first, I shut him down. But eventually, he just started threatening to stop talking to me. At the time, Ryan was my lifeline and the only source of support I had. I needed him. So I gave in and went along with it.
Ryan and I spent the next few months sending nudes to each other and sexting. At first, I was really uncomfortable doing this since the man was married with kids. When I first expressed this, Ryan told me that what we were doing was okay and that I was helping him. As some of the others have shared, Ryan was not happy with the sex life he had with his wife. He would often use that as a reason for us to be doing what we were doing. I honestly believed that this whole thing was actually helping him stay with Laurie. They were the “picture-perfect happy family” that I could only dream about having so I didn’t want to be the one to break that up. I came under the impression that this was a normal thing that people do. He made me feel so wanted and loved. He was a father figure to me, and hearing him praise so many different parts about me made me feel amazing. I wanted his approval and strived to gain it however I could. He knew all of this and used it to his advantage.
We fell into a routine of sexting and sharing nudes with weeks of silence in between. Eventually, we move forward to having sex in 2019. Because I lived in Austin at the time, finding a place to meet wasn’t an issue. He just needed to find the time to slip away. When we first had sex, I was 19 and a virgin. All Ryan wanted to know however, was if I was a virgin or not and if I was on birth control. When I told him I was a virgin, he promised to go easy. When I told him that I wasn’t on birth control, he told me that was fine, and he would just wear a condom. When we started, he put on a condom and did go easy on me at first. Being a virgin, the sex was naurtally painful for me. Ryan didn’t care. He started getting rough and midway through sex, he took the condom off despite me telling him how uncomfortable that made me feel. He kept going and then we finished. I was so sore the next few days and couldn’t even walk around without feeling like my legs would collapse.
We had sex 10 more times throughout 2019 while still sending each other nudes and sexting. Ryan was also pretty adamant about not wanting to wear a condom so I tried birth control. My body reacted poorly to it so I told him that I couldn’t go on it without feeling like absolute shit. So he agreed to wear a condom. However, he would always wait until he knew I didn’t have the strength to argue with him before taking off the condom and continued to have sex. He did this every single time. He was rough every single time. We did some other things too during this time that I don’t feel comfortable making public, but they are the same level as the choking he did to the one of the latest victims that came forward.
Around the time we had sex for the 7th time, I delevoped a binge eating disorder. I was really starting to doubt myself and used food as an outlet for my pain. I started gaining weight pretty rapidly and Ryan started to take notice. He would make some remarks about my weight gain and tried to help me with it. I felt terrible for gaining so much weight, but I couldn’t stop eating. By the 10th time we had sex, I put on a lot of weight. Ryan told me it would be the best if we stopped having sex and just stick with the nudes and sexting. Eventually, even those stopped too. In August of 2019, it finally stopped. After not hearing from him in months, I messaged him in November. He responded after a few days telling me that he didn’t want to do this anymore and it was over. I “wasn’t the same person I was months earlier” he told me. When I asked him to explain what he meant, he never responded. He never responded to me again after that actually.
I lost it. I cried my heart out. I completely blamed myself for being unworthy of his attention and love. The man that saved my life, the man that showered me with praise and compliments, the man that I saw as a father rejected me. I didn’t know how to deal with it and spiraled into a deep depression that drove me away from the AH community that I once loved so very much. In December, I finally told my only friend about what had happened. They were outraged and told me to delete everything so I didn’t have a constant reminder of what happened.
And I foolishly did so. That is why I am unable to provide you all with screenshots or photos. I purged everything Ryan Haywood related from my life, thinking it would help me move on. I only realize now that what I did was stupid. I understand that this will make you guys doubt my story. It is my own fault for that. I wish I could give you more but this is all I have. I’m sorry.
During the entire time we were in contact, I thought that I was the only girl he was messaging. He said I was special, and he made me feel that way. Now I know that is false and this wound hurts even more knowing that. I was never special. I am just one of the many girls that he preyed on. I am not looking for sympathy as I write this. I know I don’t deserve any since I was actively partaking in those events. I just want to free myself from the guilt that I have been drowning in for almost a year now.
Before I end this, I would like to thank all the other girls who have come forward before me, who opened my eyes to something I have been hiding from. I would like to thank Caiti, whose message to the community last night pushed me to finally share my own experience. I would like to thank the members of AH, your responses to this situation mean more to me than you could guys could ever know.
