He'd have to give up the baconated Turducken hamburgers.
Seriously, real conversion, like the 12 step program, requires admitting he's powerless and that he has problems. If he did that, he wouldn't be a lolcow. If he went for religion, he'd be the exact type of bible thumper that everyone hated in the 80s.
Weirdly enough, Bob and Lindsay Ellis both come from the same origin point of the "Current Year" culture war but grew up on opposite sides of the fence when it happened.
I've always felt the Woke Left really began as a Millennial generational backlash against the Religious Right and their neocon handlers but the Great Recession is what gave it legs and allowed it to move beyond a loose coalition of fedora-tipping atheists, pretentious "queer" feminists, and college fringe leftists.
One of the earliest focal points of "urban bugmen and dangerhairs vs. rural and suburban America" in the Millennial generational mindset was the 2004 Election when Bush won a second term complete with the popular vote and did so partly by pandering to the fundies.
This is where you see the "Red States vs. Blue States" divide with blue state liberals feeling like the red state conservatives were holding the country back while younger Millennials and Zoomers growing up in the red states who resented their religious families or conservative hometowns viewed the progressive cities in the blue states as idyllic places to be free. It's part of why Portland became a Woke Left mecca full of punks and hipsters before eventually becoming a de facto Antifa city state.
A lot of the rhetoric of the Woke Left in their view of conservatives began with mid-late 2000's liberals taking potshots at religious Southern conservatives (the infamous "Real America vs. Dumbfuckistan" meme from SNL is an example) and I think the reason why we didn't see a lot of openly anti-American sentiment from the Left before Obama's reelection was due to 9/11 and its immediate aftermath
This cultural divide played a massive role in the development of Bob and Lindsay's mindsets. Bob is white trash but has this unwarranted sense of superiority because he's an atheist from the North instead of those icky red state obsoletes down in the South and he grew up Catholic, which was seen as slightly more respectable than being froman Evangelical Protestant background back in the Bush years.
Lindsay Ellis grew up not just in the Bible Belt, but in Appalachia, arguably the worst part of the Bible Belt both in terms of economic prospects and the actual influence of the old-school Calvinist fundies. She's gone above and beyond to distance herself from her hillbilly roots and probably has a sense of self-loathing beneath her smug woke rhetoric.
Hope Chapman has a similar complex but she's a lot less smart and isn't as well connected, plus trooning out drove her back to her redneck ways but that's neither here nor there.
The number one reason that Bobby won't convert is that Bobby is adamantly resistant to change, because he is, as per the screenshot above, already "better than you". Jesus implores people to change. If your church claims you are good enough as you are, they are theologically bankrupt and you are at risk of being led astray.
Pretty much this in a nutshell, and the sad part is that if Bob converted purely for socialization and adhered to the changes to remain in good standing with the church, he'd be a lot happier. In private, he could be an atheist but as long as he changed his behaviors and made good friends in church, he'd be a lot better off.
But the same thing that prevents him from converting even for social reasons is the same reason why he'd get kicked out even if he did try this approach.
