Horrorcow Lucas Werner - A man of Spokane, Washington who is obsessed with millennial and Gen Z chicks

[Free the Pedos]

'His eyes....his eyes...'

Maybe lucas should consider a career as an interrogator. If hours of the psycho stare didn't break a person the smell certainly would

I genuinely love the plethora of DS9 references you bring to the table.

I know the niece thing has been speculated but never actually confirmed (I might be wrong here, maybe it was confirmed?) although I absolutely believe he did something with her that caused his family to send him away to a mental institution. It explains the entire trajectory of his life. Sexually assault his niece, put away and drugged for it, then resent the entire thing by asserting he is the victim.

I don't think Lucas could keep a lid on something like that for so long. I think we'd hear references to how he "so-called 'abused'" or her how his family "misinterpreted" his actions. I can believe that he was making creepy comments about her so they started keeping him away from the little kids.

 

[Gaear Grimsrud]

Here's a good one from last year. Here he laments that without a girlfriend he's just sitting around and waiting to die because there's nothing to do.

Nobody forced you to be unemployed, Lucas. Go stock shelves if you're so bored.

 

[Coach McGuirk]

ETA:
Is he trying to fool people into believing he is loved in Spokane. Fool himself into believing he is loved?
View attachment 1836713

I don't think Lucas is saying he's loved here, I think this is him being jealous of the guys who are "loved" by three women at a time in Lucas' brain. I think its just him being spiteful that other people have the Gen Z honies he craves.

 

[BowlOfDick]

When Lucas says ‘where’s the party’, I wonder if he imagines an actual party. I would love to know how he imagines it.

Could any of our more creative Kiwis give me a rendition?

 

[Gaear Grimsrud]

He's back but keeping a low profile/a few comments. Wonder if something happened that's holding him back from his usual insanity.
Follow-up comments:

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They don't want you at the party, Lucas. Can't you take the hint? Stop trying to go where you aren't wanted.

 

[Fanatical Pragmatist]

When Lucas says ‘where’s the party’, I wonder if he imagines an actual party. I would love to know how he imagines it.

Could any of our more creative Kiwis give me a rendition?

A gaggle of Gen-Z individuals all drinking, smoking weed and eating outrageous amounts of food. The sex ratio is of course, 10 women to every one man - and of course all these men have to do in order to have violent anal sex and impregnation with these women is to simply be there. That's right, simply being there at this feast of drugs and alcohol all but guarantees a night of raunchy anal fisting with young women aged 18*-24 is to simply show up at these parties.
Unfortunately, COVID is rampant at these parties due to the short telomeres which do not cure COVID.

 

[JuniperFalls]

When Lucas says ‘where’s the party’, I wonder if he imagines an actual party. I would love to know how he imagines it.

Could any of our more creative Kiwis give me a rendition?

He's expecting something like this:

 

[Gaear Grimsrud]

The opening lyrics of this song would trigger Lucas something fierce.

 

[Fanatical Pragmatist]

He's expecting something like this:

View attachment 1836924

Those women look a little too old for Lucas

 

[Big Redman Incorporated]

Out of curiosity, as Dr Werner's PhD credentials have been brought up again today, how long does a PhD take to achieve in the US?

In Scotland, a bachelor's is 4 years, a masters 1 or 2, and then anything from 4-8 years to obtain a PhD. With this timeline, it's put him around 51-56, and that's if he ever actually takes a full course load at undergrad level.

I just think there'd be nothing funnier than him actually achieving his PhD and proving his dumb 'men 40-55 have super spunk' theory, but being too old to 'profit' of it by that point.

 

[OnMeDick]

which would culminate in a 2,000-page thesis where Dr. Niggae Luke enlightens the world by detailing the power of his super-sperm that cures COVID-19.

I mean, when you put it like that it almost sounds RIDICULOUS!!

When Lucas says ‘where’s the party’, I wonder if he imagines an actual party. I would love to know how he imagines it.

Could any of our more creative Kiwis give me a rendition?

He’s already shown us


That’s responsible, Dr Niggae Luke at the window, who in no way hopped on a plane recently hoping to impregnate a teenager in LA, of course.

But I agree, in his head there is WAAYYY more anal fisting and peehole telomerase insertion.

 

[wenttobermuda]

When Lucas says ‘where’s the party’, I wonder if he imagines an actual party. I would love to know how he imagines it.

Could any of our more creative Kiwis give me a rendition?

"The party" is an important element of Wernology, and has become a shorthand for all of the social activity that Lucas is excluded from. From his crush's birthday in the 1st grade, to the Gen Z orgies he imagines taking place in Spokane today, Lucas is desperate to be included.

I don't imagine Lucas has been to many parties. His notion of what a party is must be informed by the media, and what he's observed with his face pressed against the glass. A combination of ignorance, envy and imagination.

Speaking of imagination, parties feature very prominently in Wound. They may give us a sense of the kind of "party" Lucas would like to attend, and what he means by "Where's the party at, Gen Z?"

TLDR "Direct me to a large crowd of sexually available teen girls eager to get a load in their poonaner and have babies."

Spoiler: rhymes with POUND, not with swooned

Wound, for those just beginning their Wernology studies, is a "clockpunk alternate history" set in France, that Lucas wrote during a stay in the laughing academy. It is available on YouTube, and the estimable @Free the Pedos has started putting a transcript together for the curious.

In Wound, every Friday without fail, the old men and young women of France gather "in the city square" for a dance party. Women older than 25, and men older than 35, may not attend. Perhaps some of the otherwise eligible men are turned away at the door, because there are always at least 2 girls for every guy. Lucas doesn't state so explicitly, but the strict sex ratio is probably meant to limit sexual competition. Or at least increase the chances of older, weaker males.

In Lucas's France, people do not party for the sake of a party. There is no carousing. These dances are not for dancing, but specifically, consciously designed for "pursuing love." The purposes of partying is to find a mate to have children with. Lucas actually calls them "mating dances to find a spouse and have children one day." Every young lady there is single and down to breed. None of this "I just want to dance" or "I have a boyfriend" nonsense. All the honeys at the party are there for the same reason Lucas wants to be.

Anyway, the eligible revelers boogie woogie to industrial music, or the clockpunk equivalent, played on harpsichords. Lucas felt it necessary to specify that the music sounds a lot like White Zombie. They don't play rap at these dances, ever. That's what the settings' villains listen to. The dances double as feasts. There's plenty of affordable gourmet food and drink available. Especially soda. And weed. Lots of weed.

Women (who am I kidding, girls) don't pick their dance partners. The guys do. And they typically dance with two girls at a time. They also use a "two sided die" to select a dance partner. Following the dance, it's customary to go on a date the following Saturday, where the man is expected to pay. The woman must pay for the second date.

It all suggests a gothic/industrial club circa 1999, as seen through Lucas's eyes. Minus all of the fun and proper drugs. And plus a "governments get girlfriends" vibe.

Anyway, Lucas knows that somewhere in Spokane, a bunch of single, fecund teens are sitting around smoking pot, listening to White Zombie, and eating cheesy cukes. If only someone would tell him where. He'd "roll up," order some Clinkerdagger, and triumphantly introduce himself to the teen that resembles his niece the most.

Out of curiosity, as Dr Werner's PhD credentials have been brought up again today, how long does a PhD take to achieve in the US?

In Scotland, a bachelor's is 4 years, a masters 1 or 2, and then anything from 4-8 years to obtain a PhD. With this timeline, it's put him around 51-56.

I just think there'd be nothing funnier than him actually achieving his masters and proving his dumb 'men 40-55 have super spunk' theory, but being too old to 'profit' of it by that point.

It generally takes between 11 to 13 years for a student to earn a PhD in the US system, assuming everything goes well. 4 for a bachelors, 3 for a masters, and 4 to 6 years for the doctorate depending on the program.

I'm sure we've all known people that took considerably longer to complete their bachelors, and there are freaks who go more quickly. During my graduate studies, I had a classmate who was 17.

Anyway, if Lucas does everything perfectly from this day forward, he could be a PhD at 52.

He could've had a PhD by now. And tons of daughters. It wasn't in the cards. Alas.

ETA: Lucas is a fat faggot. Can't believe I left that out of a post.

 

[Fanatical Pragmatist]

Out of curiosity, as Dr Werner's PhD credentials have been brought up again today, how long does a PhD take to achieve in the US?

In Scotland, a bachelor's is 4 years, a masters 1 or 2, and then anything from 4-8 years to obtain a PhD. With this timeline, it's put him around 51-56, and that's if he ever actually takes a full course load at undergrad level.

I just think there'd be nothing funnier than him actually achieving his PhD and proving his dumb 'men 40-55 have super spunk' theory, but being too old to 'profit' of it by that point.

It is possible to fast-track a PhD. This one girl in my lab managed to graduate with her BS in Bio in about 3 years, and got accepted right into a doctorate program. So it is theoretically possible to earn a doctorate in lets say 6-7 years IF you are a high school go-getter who blows through your undergrad, skips the masters while managing to impress some academic somewhere to take you on as a doctoral student and then still quickly finish. This is the absolute best case scenario (for a PhD).
Realistically, most will probably finish their undergrad in 4 years, do 1-2 years of field work/lab work/entry-level shit, go back for a masters and take maybe 2-3 years to complete (sometimes as long as 4), come out with their masters and decide if they want to go to a PhD from there (which admittedly many chose not to because a PhD can sometimes pipeline you into academia rather than upper-level field/management jobs), which could take anywhere from 2-6 years, but probably another 4.
So a normal student starting college at 18 can realistically expect to have a PhD by the time they are 28-32 (assuming they don't say "fuck this shit" and jump into the work force).

But this is not the normal student we are talking about; and this certainly isn't the kind who already has 12 college credit hours before going into their undergrad and can draft a CV so damn strong to convince a tenured professor to take them in right out from undergrad.
This is Lucas Colby Werner we are talking about.
If Lucas Colby Werner could manage to finish an associates in 4 years I would be very impressed.

 

[Gaear Grimsrud]

When Lucas says ‘where’s the party’, I wonder if he imagines an actual party. I would love to know how he imagines it.

Could any of our more creative Kiwis give me a rendition?

Lucas thinks all young people are like the ones he hung out with as a teen. Layabout drug addicts who do nothing but hang out.

Hell, he STILL only hangs out with teenage drug addicts.

 

[Big Redman Incorporated]

But this is not the normal student we are talking about; and this certainly isn't the kind who already has 12 college credit hours before going into their undergrad and can draft a CV so damn strong to convince a tenured professor to take them in right out from undergrad.
This is Lucas Colby Werner we are talking about.
If Lucas Colby Werner could manage to finish an associates in 4 years I would be very impressed.

Oh yeah, I agree the idiot couldn't find a degree on a thermometer, it just amuses me to think of him somehow clawing his way through only for it all to be for naught. I don't even think he'll make it through this semester.

 

[OnMeDick]

Oh yeah, I agree the idiot couldn't find a degree on a thermometer, it just amuses me to think of him somehow clawing his way through only for it all to be for naught. I don't even think he'll make it through this semester.

This is the ‘man’ who already has once found remedial, entry-level community college biology ‘too hard’. So, I’m gonna go out on a giant limb here and predict Lucas Colby Werner will never be legitimately entitled to call himself Dr or put a PhD on his hobo business card

ETA: Also, he’s a fat faggot

 

[King Daddy Telomerase]

Back on Youtube, just incase you thought there's a chance he'd spend his money wisely this time.

 

[Gaear Grimsrud]

Back on Youtube, just incase you thought there's a chance he'd spend his money wisely this time.

Well, how else is he supposed to unwind after seeing all the orgies he's not invited to at the college?

 

[mero]

If Lucas ever got a job he would probably on the same level of incompetence as Mr Fantastic if not worse. Suspend your disbelief and just imagine Lucas actually getting his PHD and getting hired as a geneticist or whatever it was he was going for and actually having the authority to just do whatever experiments he feels like. I could easily see Geneticist Wern trying to splice all sorts of random long telomere DNA into his thinking it would make him immortal and uploading rants immediately after about how he's basicly a god now and demanding grub hub as tribute before starting to look like an IRL ghoul

The difference being, I know a few girls who'd like to fuck a ghoul. Takes all sorts. Nearly all sorts. Sorry, Luke.

 

[A whole lotta nope]

Bachelor's programs are typically 4 years, masters about 2, and PhD is another 3-4 years. When I was looking into getting a PhD after my master's, I realized that it was WAY too expensive to bother with. There would be a lot of private loans involved because you can only get a certain amount of student loans from the federal government. For Lucas, his pell grant would run out. I have no idea how he'd even begin to pay for all these degrees that he wants to get. His credit has to be horrendous.

From studentaid.gov:

"Please note that you can receive the Federal Pell Grant for no more than 12 terms or the equivalent (roughly six years). You'll receive a notice if you're getting close to your limit. If you have any questions, contact your financial aid office."

Not to worry though, I seriously doubt he'll even achieve an associate's degree. You have to have your shit together and be able to focus and follow through. Lucas has none of this.