Tess Holliday / Ryann Maegen Hoven - Beached Landwhale model, Body positive and social justice snacktivist, and gigantic fraud

[multiverse]

Dita (a literal queen and angel who by all accounts is so nice) was hosting burlesque that year, I think that would have been 2017? Possibly 2016 edit: I was right the first time, 2017

Fun fact 1: nick looks like a twat, but his outfit is on brand. Tess.. uh.. well.. even repro doesnt come in circus tent

Fun fact two: tess and dita used to share the same hair stylist, Tony Medina, aka His Vintage Touch, very talented uberfag. The gossip (note its gossip, not gospel) is messy tessy burned that bridge when she kept expecting him to work for insta shoutouts. Maam... he does work, paid, featured work, for queen Dita. What does free exposure from a fat bitch get him?

He had deigned to do her hair once or twice this year, possibly out of pity...

Ah shit, I checked: Tony (@hisvintagetouch) hasn't done her hair since a red carpet event in fall 2019 (he used to ALWAYS have hair credit for her, and I don't doubt he got sick of not being paid). I was thinking of his makeup artist partner, @sheblamgela. He did her makeup as recently as Christmas.


Obviously, a celebrity hairdresser needs more than one client to live. But I was always surprised how often Tony did Tess’s hair given that he is Dita's personal, full time hair guru.

 

[blue gopher snakes]

There’s exactly zero percent chance that blue bow dress was not a complete and utter joke by every single Yes-Ma’am working with Tess. I had forgotten about it and burst out laughing at the sight of it. It’s like fundamentalist Christian maternity wear from the 1980s but worse.

 

[DefCon Dumb]

I had never seen that blue bow dress. "Still not over my look from last night" - I woouldn't have posted again though but tried to bury it. What was she thinking?

 

[Barbarella]

Ah, that bow dress. The dress that proved she’s a deathfat. She looks like a grizzly bear who ripped the top of a blue garbage can off and it got stuck around the massive shoulders.

I like to think Dita pressed His Vintage Touch to do Tess’ hair so they could gossip and laugh about her after.

Tess’ over lined lips: Sometimes when you get lip fillers too often and too poorly, you lose your vermilion border. When that happens, even with more filler, your lips can look undefined. If you look at the Cupid’s bow area, it’s clear Tess still has a line of filler there, not where it should be and not even. So I suspect that’s what has happened to her. She’ll have to use liner forever.
There are no restrictions after filling, but my friend whose done it says they feel bruised and sore. She iced it for a few hours. (She has thin lips and wanted to have them more normal, not blowjob ready like Tess’ sausages. ). The more Tess blows them up, the worse they’ll get.

 

[Brittnay Matthews]

That supahmoddle pose tho!! looking like a grumpy kid showing her dress to family.

 

[yousoundlikeanasshole]

Jesus Christ another cake!!

EDIT - a 125 dollar cake! https://alanajonesmann.squarespace.com/bake-sale-2/valentines-day-27k2a

 

[Clotso Coof]

View attachment 1919259

Bless that face filter - a true wonder of technology!

View attachment 1920180

I wonder how much fabric went into that blue dress? It must be an incredible amount.

Jesus Christ another cake!!

EDIT - a 125 dollar cake!

The picture is blurry. Tess' hand was probably shaking when she took the photo, from the pre-sugar rush jitters. Just like a junkie with the shakes.

She couldn't even wait to take a focused picture before she inhaled that cake.

 

[multiverse]

Jesus Christ another cake!!

EDIT - a 125 dollar cake! https://alanajonesmann.squarespace.com/bake-sale-2/valentines-day-27k2a

So in less than 48 hours, she has consumed - if she eats that whole cake.... and you know she will - 11,000+ calories. Just in sweets. Not including meals and alcohol, or her snackies.

 

[PuffyGroundCloud]

Jesus Christ another cake!!

EDIT - a 125 dollar cake! https://alanajonesmann.squarespace.com/bake-sale-2/valentines-day-27k2a

Is she going to sit on it again?

 

[cactus]

So in less than 48 hours, she has consumed - if she eats that whole cake.... and you know she will - 11,000 calories. Just in sweets. Not including meals and alcohol, or her snackies.

And that's how you know she has the untreated 'beetus.

 

[Constellationzero]

The picture is blurry. Tess' hand was probably shaking when she took the photo, from the pre-sugar rush jitters. Just like a junkie with the shakes.

I have the perfect KA--WEEER boyfriend for this fat POS

Spoiler

 

[Water-T]

So Tess had cupcakes, tons of candy, tons of sugar laden coffee creamer, and now this cake, all in the span of a weekend.

But Tess totally eats healthy youse guise! She's not fat because of junk food, y'all! Swearsies!

 

[multiverse]

So Tess had cupcakes, tons of candy, tons of sugar laden coffee creamer, and now this cake, all in the span of a weekend.

But Tess totally eats healthy youse guise! She's not fat because of junk food, y'all! Swearsies!

Oh, but she was GOOD, all week! She used up like 4 of her hot pilates package classes! She deserves a little treat, tee hee!

If we see that Sara pilates chick again after the end of this month, you can take all my nuffins.

 

[Water-T]

Oh, but she was GOOD, all week! She used up like 4 of her hot pilates package classes! She deserves a little treat, tee hee!

If we see that Sara pilates chick again after the end of this month, you can take all my nuffins.

It's guaranteed that Tess will do a few more "workouts" where she's "unexpectedly" filmed by "paparazzi", and then nada.

She did the same thing with Massey and the stairs too, so she'll repeat it with Sora as well.

Tess is only doing this to keep from getting dropped by Flabletics, and Sora will give up when she realizes that the only people who follow Tess are other deathfats who don't have money for pilates classes and wouldn't sign up for them even if they did have money.

 

[Smiling Honeybadger]

Jesus Christ another cake!!

EDIT - a 125 dollar cake! https://alanajonesmann.squarespace.com/bake-sale-2/valentines-day-27k2a

$125 for a cake that looks like a trashy polyester carpet? Okay, I don't have to understand everything. I am not a lettuce suckler, but if I would have to eat this amount of cake and sweet stuff that Tess munches down routinely, I would beg for a lettuce leaf to suckle on.

 

[AbraCadaver]

Ah, that bow dress. The dress that proved she’s a deathfat. She looks like a grizzly bear who ripped the top of a blue garbage can off and it got stuck around the massive shoulders.

I like to think Dita pressed His Vintage Touch to do Tess’ hair so they could gossip and laugh about her after.

Tess’ over lined lips: Sometimes when you get lip fillers too often and too poorly, you lose your vermilion border. When that happens, even with more filler, your lips can look undefined. If you look at the Cupid’s bow area, it’s clear Tess still has a line of filler there, not where it should be and not even. So I suspect that’s what has happened to her. She’ll have to use liner forever.
There are no restrictions after filling, but my friend whose done it says they feel bruised and sore. She iced it for a few hours. (She has thin lips and wanted to have them more normal, not blowjob ready like Tess’ sausages. ). The more Tess blows them up, the worse they’ll get.

Can confirm, at the worst you’ll get a bit of bruising (usually on the inside of the lip) from fillers, depending on how aggressive the person presses and mushes your lips to get the fillers in just the right place (sometimes it does take a bit of manual pressing with fingers for lips that are difficult to fill evenly). Your mouth may feel numb a bit after but it’s about on par with getting a cavity filled...you walk right out with some numbing agents still in your mouth and by the time you get home, it’s mostly worn off.

Tess, otoh, is a victim of constantly getting her lips filled and overfilled and after a while, if you stuff too many fillers in your lips, they start to bleed out into the surrounding areas of your face.

 

[Miss Misery]

Jesus Christ another cake!!

EDIT - a 125 dollar cake! https://alanajonesmann.squarespace.com/bake-sale-2/valentines-day-27k2a

I'd love to know how much she paid some DoorDasher to pick it up and bring it to her - because you know her ass didn't drive from Long Beach to Eagle Rock (30+ miles / 45 minutes for those not familiar with LA) and back to get her overpriced cake on a Sunday morning.

 

[multiverse]

I'd love to know how much she paid some DoorDasher to pick it up and bring it to her - because you know her ass didn't drive from Long Beach to Eagle Rock (30+ miles / 45 minutes for those not familiar with LA) and back to get her overpriced cake on a Sunday morning.

Ehh, she's driven 6 hours round trip for a champagne cake, more than once. Don't underestimate her cake addiction.

 

[yousoundlikeanasshole]

More cake and random sweets

I'd love to know how much she paid some DoorDasher to pick it up and bring it to her - because you know her ass didn't drive from Long Beach to Eagle Rock (30+ miles / 45 minutes for those not familiar with LA) and back to get her overpriced cake on a Sunday morning.

She totally got it herself. anything for the gram(and her food addiction)

 

[Miss Misery]

Ehh, she's driven 6 hours round trip for a champagne cake, more than once. Don't underestimate her cake addiction.

She totally got it herself. anything for the gram(and her food addiction)

GodDAMN. I knew she'd drive to SLO for her beloved champagne cake, but that's at least a nice drive (if excessively long). But driving to EAGLE ROCK on Sunday morning?

Tess loves cake like a fat girl loves cake.

Oh sorry, redundant.