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found out that another one of my highschool friends has died today, at 22. he's the third one in my year group that had <120 students. just what the fuck, he was an extremely clever and happy guy, always up for a party. that school is fucking cursed, i swear.
 
Today, I weighed myself and I realized I lost 17lbs since the start of this year. It seems like my dietary changes are giving me the results I want. Even if I now have to wear a belt with every pair of pants I currently own, that part is a good problem to have.
Yeah the "oh damn need to buy some new clothes" feels like a pretty minor thing, I've managed to not only keep weight off for winter but drop more than a kilo since the start of the season. Have to wear a belt a lot of the time, but it feels good. I could probably have dropped more with more drastic changes in diet but I'm rather fond of nice, rich food - just need to watch portions and work it off.
 
I am pretty much convinced university was a huge mistake and there is a clear difference between enjoying something as a hobby or interest where you just like certain areas, and then having to look at stuff that makes your eyes glaze over because you need to pass exams. I honestly don't think I have the passion for this stuff, or the skill. My only motivation is the fact I am now in debt for university and quitting would mean I got into debt for nothing, and I haven't really got any fallback options. At the very least I should have looked into alternative pathways, because learning a topic then forgetting it for 4 months as you study other shit before cramming it again for exams is not how I learn, and not what I expected uni to be like.
 
Really bad. My mom got hospitalized last Saturday. It all started when I tried to wake her up for dinner, but she didn't budge at all. I shook her, talked to her, and everything, but she didn't budge, altough still breathing. I called my sister in law, since she lives not too far from my home, and we brought my mom to hospital immediately. It was so hectic and tiring.

This is the first time in my entire life where I thrusted into this kind of situation. I feel useless. My relatives do most of the work while I can only do things such as monitoring and paying some of the bill. Also in the inside, I can't stop blaming myself, because I think this entire situation can be prevented if only I spent more time nursing my already ill mom, and not always prioritizing my job. And maybe because my relatives are actually blaming me, indirectly. Now, I'm spending some nights at hospital.

Sorry if my post looks like a rant (maybe because it is), but I need some kind of outlet for my emotions. God bless this thread. As long as they're not complete asshole, take a good care of your parents, before it's too late. I don't want any of you to feel as miserable as I am right now.
 
It's going swell, school has been an absolute drag but I'm starting to spend more time with my family (such as time with my cousins, grandma, grandpa, etc.) and I developed a crush on a really nice lady, she's a year younger than me. I'm hoping it goes well and I'm taking it pretty easy, making sure not to go overboard on this.

2021 has been infinitely better than 2020 in terms of my mental state, it's weird. The world's getting worse but I'm feeling better as a person. I think it has something to do with the fact I don't have to pay attention in school due to it being online now, I just have to do assignments. I have around a 95% average in all four classes, hoping I don't get fucked over by an exam.
 
This'll be my last time posting. No one cares, nor should they, but I'm going to blogpost a bit for my own sake. I really only logged back in to delete my account, which apparently and unsurprisingly you can't do, so this is the next best thing.

I've been doing better lately. Life went rapidly downhill about two years ago (read: when I joined this site). I hit rock bottom around December 2019, since then I've sort of stumbled around trying to find my footing. I gradually weaned myself off of here, 4chan, the like, only visiting a few times over the summer. Quarantine has been very beneficial for this actually, almost meditative. A forced break from society has done well for self-reflection. Since the last time I was here, I have had a string of tectonically life alerting events, including almost becoming a dad, almost becoming homeless (several times, thanks corona), enduring the most brutal and drawn out breakup of my life with my childhood best friend (twice! in <6 months. Fuckin idiot), and breaking off from 99% of people in my life. Weirdly, compared to rock bottom, this was for the better. For the first time in a while, my challenges were primarily external. I would've crumbled had I not spent those first months of quarantine really working out a lot of internal shit, but I feel I'm finally learning to master myself. For a change of pace, I decided to transfer to an extremely prestigious and competitive university on the other side of the country. Miraculously, I got in, but couldn't afford it. Still, I basically came to terms with being completely alone in the universe and hurtling myself into a new strange environment with no friends or family or really any support structure where I could start again. Strangely, I've come to realize I'm never truly alone, and I'm not sure why that is, but I do believe it to be true. So that's what I've been doing. I threw out a BUNCH of my shit (literally and metaphorically), got my priorities in order, and have a much stronger sense of what I want to do in life. I'm working harder than I have in a long time to support myself, do well in my studies, and graduate debt free. There is an immensely long way to go, and I've really just begun, but I've finally found my footing and I'm walking again. Leaving places like this is part of that for me. I was never really a fan of the lolcows or whatever and mainly came for the off topic threads, but there were quite a few laughs, and the cursed image threads are unparalleled, so for that I thank you. I wish well for you and those you come across, so long as you wish it upon others in turn. BB
 
I was looking through my lover/friend's photos earlier. He has a family back in his home country and although he is separated from the mothers of his children he still holds them dear and has had lovers after. They are his family, he belongs with them and I am merely a visitor in his life.

What the fuck have I been thinking? I've had such a girlish perspective of this companionship we have formed. I am embarressed by how besotted I have become with him in such a short amount of time. He has told me upfront that he does not want to be my only partner while I've been daydreaming about combing his hair and giving him baths when he's elderly and what names I'd give to our hypothetical babies.

Sometimes he's just rude to me and is annoyed that I'm sexually inexperienced despite him being my first proper intimate partner - and I've just been willing to overlook this and remain servile, offering him help with pursuing a job, acting as his chauffer and creeping around him because he can snap like a twig if something's not exactly the way he wants it - maybe there was a good reason why he was alone in the first place.

I tell myself he's ill and he just needs patience but I'm at risk of becoming a doormat. I think that's another reason he seems easily annoyed with me, I'm not an assertive woman who puts her foot down and says "no, that's enough bullshit now". His exes probably had the guts to challenge him and he appreciated that.


I am appalled by myself.
 
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