I bet the coin and book were worth nothing or next to nothing.
[Exterior: Gold & Silver pawn shop, Las Vegas. Interior shots of customers waddling around between the display cases.]
Rick: “So what have you got for me?”
[A trembling Russell Greer deposits his shop-soiled brothel token onto the counter, like it's one of the gold coins from John Wick.]
Rick: “Okay, if I am not mistaken, this is a coin from Dennis Hof's Love Ranch, which was a brothel in Nevada. Some people farm alpacas. Other people farm women. Different strokes for different folks, I guess. Every so often Dennis would have a batch of these coins made up. Whenever a homeless person was harassing him for change, he would hand a few out, just to get them to leave him alone. Then he would go back to his ranch and fuck his whores. Seriously, he would dose up on Viagra and rail four or five of them for hours. It must be have been an amazing spectacle to have witnessed...”
[Cut from Rick's faraway gaze to an earlier subtitled interview with Russell.]
Russell: “Today I'm here to sell my super-rare brothel coin from the Nevada Love Ranch that the owner, Dennis Hof, only gave to celebrities and VIPs. I'm selling it because I need money to fund my political action committee. My aim is to become a beacon for the sex industry by making prostitution legal within a one-mile radius of wherever I am standing. I also want to make it illegal for women to turn me down for sex, or to charge more than the minimum hourly wage for their services Because of the rarity of the coin, I won't accept anything less than one-million dollars for it.”
[Snap back to the present moment]
Rick: “How much do you want for it?”
Russell: [subtitled, but Rick can understand him in the same way that Han Solo can understand Chewbacca] “One... Ten-thousand dollars.”
Rick: “The problem I have, Russell, is that I don't know enough about these tokens to put a value on it. With your permission I would like to get my coin guy down here to tell me a bit more about its history and give me an appraisal.
Russell: (excited noises of affirmation.)
[A pawn shop employee places a 'Danger Slippery Floor' sign next to the puddle of drool that has gathered around Russell's feet.]
[
MONTAGE: More footage of customers wandering around the pawn shop. Some douchebag carrying an antique, three-legged milking stool above his head. A couple paddle a canoe, that once belonged to Lewis and Clark, across a tepid pond of Russell's saliva. A short bullshit scene where Chumlee fails to acquire a quantity of methamphetamine that once belonged to Howard Hughes. Rick's 'coin guy' arrives at the counter.]
Rick: “I called you down here because I've got this brothel token from the Love Ranch in Nevada that I need to put a value on. The first thing I need to know is: Is it genuine?”
Coin Guy: “Well I can tell you right off the bat this is an authentic coin from The Love Ranch. To the best of my knowledge nobody ever bothered to counterfeit these things.”
Rick: “So, can you tell me a little more about its history?”
Coin Guy: “Sure. The Love Ranch was built over an old silver mine in Nevada. The owner of the mine, Dennis Hof, was having problems with Mormons, who were drawn to the silver. To scare them away he spread a rumour that the mine was home to a colony of whores; prostitutes being the natural enemy of Mormons. In fact, most of the girls were just janitors wearing masks and titty suits. Dennis paid them in company script which is what this coin is.”
Rick: “So this is like a Disney Dollar?”
Coin Guy: “That's right. It's exactly like a Disney Dollar. Now if we look at the obverse side here we can see a likeness of Dennis Hof in profile, along with his motto in Latin – 'Acquire silver and hoes'. On the reverse side we have this engraving...”
Rick: “Now my first thought when I saw that was: That's a vagina.”
Coin Guy: (Studies the token through a magnifier) “I would say that is an engraving of a vagina. Down here we have another Latin inscription that reads: 'Good for two free entrées at Olive Garden'.”
Rick: “So its worth something.”
Coin Guy: “Underneath that you have this smaller Latin inscription that translates to: 'Offer available between 3 and 4 pm on Wednesdays, at bus station and airport restaurants only.' And then down here someone has scratched the words: 'Please go on a date with me, Taylor – Russell'.”
Rick: “That's going to affect the value. What would you say it's worth?”
Coin Guy: “I guess whatever a pair of entrées at Olive Garden runs to.”
Rick: “Okay, thank you for coming down. The thing is, Russell, if I buy this token from you, then I need to find room for it in one of my coin display cases. That's space that could be occupied by another coin, or a badge, or even a loose shirt button that I want to keep track of until Chumlee can sew it back on for me. The other issue is that, this morning, a guy across the street was handing out coupons for Olive Garden with a far better offer than the one on your coin, which wipes out its value. So I can't make you an offer. Thanks for bringing it in.”
Russell: (seething with impotent fury) “Fuck you.”
[Russell stalks towards the exit, through the waist-deep drool that now fills the entire shop. In the background Big Hoss can be heard offering forty bucks for the original Noah's ark.]
[Post valuation interview in the parking lot, with a security guard hovering out of focus in the background]
Russell: “I was disappointed that Rick wasn't able to make me an offer for my brothel token and that he lied about its value. I have given his shop a one-star review online. Please support my PAC to legalise prostration and remember to vote for me on America's Got Talent.”
is no longer with us. I can imagine what the hell he'd say. Got a feeling it would be less diplomatic than Dennis Hof when he called him a clusterfuck.
