Fucking Babylon Bee knocking shit out of the park this weekend.
PODUNK, KS - Vice President Kamala Harris caused quite a stir while trying to help rural Americans vote. She traveled to some of the most backwater areas of America - thousands of miles from civilization - and brought a photocopier to show them how to copy an ID card. The rural Americans had...
babylonbee.com
Rural Americans Burn Kamala Harris At The Stake For Witchcraft After She Shows Them A Photocopier
July 12th, 2021 - BabylonBee.com
PODUNK, KS—Vice President Kamala Harris caused quite a stir while trying to help rural Americans vote. She traveled to some of the most backwater areas of America — thousands of miles from civilization — and brought a photocopier to show them how to copy an ID card. The rural Americans had never seen such a device, though, and soon became angry at it.
“It’s stealing our documents’ souls!” exclaimed one simple rural American upon seeing his ID copied. He then pointed an accusing finger at Harris. “She must be a witch!”
“I am not a witch,” Harris stated, though her statement was undercut by the way she kept cackling like one.
The angry rural folk then tied Harris to a stake to burn her as a witch.
“It was not my idea to impose advanced city technology on your simple rural brains!” Harris pleaded with them. “That is the fault of the Republicans! I wanted to spare you from this!”
The rural people ignored her and began lighting kindling around her feet.
“Science forgive them!” Harris called out. “They know not what they do! For they are too rural and simple! Their brains are filled with nothing but knowledge about corn!”
After letting it go on for a few minutes, the Secret Service finally decided they should probably do something, so they put out the fire, untied Harris, and took her away on Broom One.
Other States Look To Texas For Advice On How To Get Democrats To Leave
July 13th, 2021 - BabylonBee.com
U.S.—In a brilliant move, Governor Greg Abbott has tricked dozens of Democrat legislators into leaving Texas. This is leading other governors across the country to ask Texas for advice on how they can get Democrats to leave their states as well.
"Arizona is a beautiful state," said Governor Doug Ducey, "but it has one problem: it's full of Democrats. Is there some way we can just get them to—I dunno—leave? Why can't they live in California or Cuba, or somewhere they'll fit in better?"
The governor of Georgia has also stated he will be flying to Texas to learn all of Governor Abbott's secrets to making Democrats go somewhere else.
"We hope to follow the great example set by Texas," said Georgia Governor Brian Kemp. "Democrats have this nasty habit of destroying their states like a plague of locusts, turning it into a burnt husk of death and decay, and then moving to another Republican state to feast on the prosperity built by higher quality people than they'll ever be, then importing their depraved and inhuman policies as they consume all the wealth and happiness of the state like some sort of demonic chupacabra, until they finally bring a once-great American state to its knees, drowning in a cesspool of poverty and corruption, at which point they spread their locust wings and fly to the next state... what was I talking about? I can't remember. Oh yeah—how do we get Democrats to leave?"
At the time of publishing, 32 other states have announced comprehensive "make the Democrat politicians go somewhere else" plans, which they hope to have fully implemented by the end of this year.
According to reports, Texas is now a blissful and prosperous utopia, only 12 hours after Democrat lawmakers left in their private charter plane.
Remember when the Onion used to be this funny?
Yeah, neither do I.