Personal Lolcows - Lolcows in your personal life.

[Arrosoir]

Details on his videos or why he's lulzworthy? Because this really lacks on any reason why this guy is particularly interesting, and mash-ups like that are not only pennies a dozen but can be done in video game form.

Sorry if someone has posted him before.

 

[GiantSpiderInvasion]

My half brother's dad, Rob, is a very unruly, strange redneck ape of a man that the rest of us like to tell stories about and laugh at.

For starters, his criminal record is miles long. These include getting 3 speeding tickets in one day, which I was there for. He was super pissed about the first one, so decided to take his anger out by flooring his truck up to triple digits. Then, after the third time pulled over, he punched and cracked the windshield in his senseless caveman anger. Rob used to get ATV's that he would drive through everyone's back yards, or have giant bon fires that would singe the next door neighbor's trees. He, of course, framed their concerns as just them being weird. Oh, and he head butted a cop.

Less criminal, but also disturbing things he's done included coming out of a shower and chasing me around naked, trying to touch me with his bare ass... Unfortunately, he succeeded in that goal. He's also gotten really drunk and tested wresting moves he saw on TV on his son/my brother. Again, while butt naked.

I wasn't here for this one, but I heard a story of Rob daring a man to unzip his fly and put his balls in his hand. Rob then grabbed hold, and started running, pulling the poor sap around the camp by his own junk. Again, I wasn't there, but the thought of something so crazy gets me laughing hard.

The cherry on the insane redneck cake is that he's racist. His response to one American Idol contestant was, and I quote, "Great. Another nigger." When his son confronted him, he responded, "I don't hate them! They're just niggers!" His reaction to a picture frame he bought breaking? "Niggers probably made this!" I was a kid when this happened, and even I laughed at the stupidity.
One last bit, he loves to cross dress for Halloween. And, I mean, REALLY loves to cross dress. He has a female persona that rivals Chris Chan's tomgirl thing. This, combined with the above, causes his son to think he's a closeted gay.

The silver lining, my brother/Rob's son turned out to be a hard working, decent guy with a stable life, who is able to laugh at his dad with everyone else. He describes his dad as, "an albino gorilla that lost its hair, then somehow learned to speak English, as to survive in human society." Probably the most accurate description of anyone, ever.

I haven't seen Rob for a couple years, but I heard he's living off a tugboat and cleaning some guy's pool. I expect him to drop by any day to ask for money, though.

 

[GiantSpiderInvasion]

Some more Rob stuff:
Rob has this immature prankster side that usually rears its head during moments of drunkenness.

Like, the time Rob, my brother, my brother's friend, and I went to some indoor water park resort. It was fun, until Rob left the hotel room that evening to drink and toke with some people(drinking and toking is his thing).

He came back super wasted while we were all trying to sleep, and decided to keep us up for his own amusement. He spent what felt what felt like half an hour going, "Hey, [name]... Hey." Eventually, my brother has enough of this, and climbs on top of his dad and starts beating on him. Rob is a fairly large man, so I doubt a skinny 14 year old hitting him was that bad. But, it did shut him up, finally, and we could all get some sleep.

Another time, I taught Rob how to use the internet. Bad idea! Rob is an avid pornography collector, so I come back, and the history is stuffed with shots of nasty old ladies showing off their aged vaginas. Nasty old ladies aren't specifically his thing, but his standards are so low that anything with a vagina is good enough for him. So, I'm going through and deleting all this gross shit, and I think I'm getting PTSD remembering it all.

Speaking of low standards, my brother brought over two female friends to his house once. They were 13 at the time, but that didn't stop Rob from openly eyeing them up and telling them how attractive he thought they looked. My poor brother was humiliated. My brother's old girlfriend, few years later, refused to ride in his truck, out of fear that he'd rape her. He's also bragged to me about seeing some teeny bopper's panties under her skirt at an arcade.

Most recently, he was obsessed with this Pizza Hut commercial with the slogan, "That's a lot of dough!" So, he keeps saying to me, "Hey [name]! That's a lot of doughhhh!" In between his countless racist black people jokes, of course.

Bonus! Things Rob hates:
-Star nosed moles: Their nose tentacle things creep him out. My brother has trolled him by putting his hand to his nose and pretending to be one.
-Men crossing their legs: He's called me a fag and threatened to kick me out of his house over this. Interestingly, this comes from a man who wears cut-off jean shorts regularly.
-"Big words": I've said words like "sparse" or "adequate" around him, and he'll look at me with stern disdain, saying, "Those are some big words."
-Uncleanliness: He's very neat and tidy for a big, uneducated, drunken criminal. He's also a good cook, so there's that.

I was unable to find his criminal records again, otherwise I'd post a link. And, don't count on finding him online. He's pretty much illiterate, and I don't think he even went to high school.

 

[ColorfulCassowary]

I had this kid in Middle school. I was a sped, so I went to a school with mostly mildly autistic kids. This one kid was horribly sensitive, and he made me interested in lolcows. Hell, if it weren't for him, I'd probably be white knighting everyone we're talking about here.

Spoiler

So this kid (let's just call him Carlos) was a very sensitive kid who would overreact at the drop of a hat. The earliest shit fit I could remember involving Carlos was when some kid put his finger to his lip, so he starting leaping up and down, flapping his arms like he was doing jumping jacks screaming at him, his face bright red.

He had a real old timey way of speaking too. Once he wanted this kid's pencil for some reason, and while he was grabbing for it, the other kid responded by grabbing his arm. He responded with "YOU BRUTE LET GO OF MY ARM". Once someone stepped on his foot in the hallway, and he shrieked "ow my tootsies". The best part was he yelled this just as a teacher came out to yell at us for talking in the halls. Once when my friend and his class were playing kingpin (a game where you had to roll balls to knock down the opponents pins) he did nothing to protect a pin saying it was "too hard for him" even though my friend told me he could run circles around the slow moving ball while it was going. It knocked down the pin and my friend asked him why he did that after the game. He started to break down into tears, repeating that he was "not as tough as nails".

Sometimes he would cry when things weren't going his way. I know it's kind of wrong to make fun of someone crying, but when he'd get sad, he'd unleash a high pitched WAAAAAAHAAAAAHAAAAA like something out of an old cartoon. Once he yelled out "NOOOOO! WHY ME?" When he got homework like everybody else.

He was rather wimpy. His response to being poked by another kid was to spin around, his eyes the size of dinner plates, and scream "HEEEE POKED MEEEEE" as if the kid who poked Carlos turned into a velociraptor. When he was talking to a teacher, he proclaimed "I'M A WIMP".

He strongly believed in America. Once, he proclaimed that the US has never lost a war. We corrected him and told him that we lost Nam, but he kept on, saying we did not lose, but "withdrawed." The conversation started to get more heated, with him getting angry at this particular kid. "if I punch him in the face I punch him in the face for uncle Sam" he told a teacher trying to hold him back. A kid asked what his heritage was, seeing that he was Hispanic, and Carlos responded by leaping about, saying he was American and "white", and that uncle Sam will bury the kid for saying that.

To be fair, he did get his shit together after a while, and he might be a chill guy now, but Carlos was hilarious in middle school.

There are quite a few speds I could talk about. I'll bring them up at another time.

 

[Sanae Kochiya]

So I went to a water park today. Specifically Sunsplash. It's, like, one of the only water parks in the area of Cali that I'm currently in right now (inb4igetdoxxedbecauseinamedroppedaplaceivisited).

So I was just kinda chilling in one of those oversized inner tubes, just kinda relaxing, when out of the corner of my eye I notice this one woman, in the water, using her smart phone.

And for the record, it wasn't even like she was using one of those waterproof cases that I sometimes see people use to have their phones take underwater photos or something. No, like, this bitch was seriously using her phone. In the water. In a swimsuit. With all manners of shit splashing around her that could easily drop that $200 something iPhone into the water.

I don't get people sometimes. I really don't.

 

[Korilakkuma]

I just witnessed a group of grown adults going into hysterics over the words "spoon" and "wellie boots"

I hate being in a special ed college

This went on for a good 20 minutes. One of them starting choking because they were laughing so hard at the word wellie.

 

[kagayaki]

This went on for a good 20 minutes. One of them starting choking because they were laughing so hard at the word wellie.

Did that word carry a weird meaning?

 

[Korilakkuma]

Did that word carry a weird meaning?

No. It was just as in the kind of boot.

This is the same place where you call someone a doughnut or milkshake to insult them so I shouldn't be that surprised?

 

[DavidFerrie]

No. It was just as in the kind of boot.

This is the same place where you call someone a doughnut or milkshake to insult them so I shouldn't be that surprised?

Maybe it reminded them of "willie" (juvenile slang for penis)?

 

[Sanae Kochiya]

Alright then. Here's another story that... well, I wouldn't call this a "lolcow," but more somewhere between "scumbag" and "moron" for posting this publicly. Basically, in my League of Legends group that frequents this one League boards on GameFAQs, there's this one guy that's commonly referred to at "Yeezus." He's both a long time member and a high elo player on League of Legends, so he basically has veterancy and is allowed to say a lot of shit. He's a bit of an asshole, is what I'm saying.

But you guys don't care about some guy being a dumbass online. Otherwise, we'd have halal threads on half of the Farms members here. No, um, I'm posting this here because there was a recent little entry from him. Specifically, he was talking about how he and his friends got this girl high and then later his friend fucked her while she was still high and they were apparently all cool with it.

... Yeah, that got dark quick.

Spoiler: And because images are fun...

So yeah, that happened.

 

[MehicTUH_92]

Goddamit Thunder.

 

[Gothicserpent]

To continue the saga of Alec and his lolcow family, I bring you the story of his older brother B.J. I had a lot more interaction with B.J because he was my age and in my grade. He also had my mother as his forth grade teacher. Like I said before, the whole family were lolcows and the stories about them are legendary. I actually have wanted to record their stories for a long time, because they are so funny and it would be a shame to forget.

I'll put it under the spoiler again.

Spoiler

First of all, Brendan insisted on being called B.J. ]Not a great nick name, as far as those things are concerned, but he insisted on it because he couldn’t actually pronounce his own name. Even in twelfth grade, he was still calling himself “Bwenden” because he couldn’t say his “R’s”. I first met B.J when we were in 5th grade. My school system was quite large, and consisted of several elementary schools feeding into two middle schools and finally one high school. I went to a different school than him for 5th grade, but he was a student in the class that my mother taught, so I ended up having a lot of contact with him.
It’s actually kind of a sad story, B.J probably would have been completely normal if it weren’t for his batshit insane father. On the first day of school B.J’s dad walked into the classroom and immediately began ripping down posters that he felt were distracting because “B.J was often upset by bright colors and loud sounds”. Posters, as you all well know because you are not completely retarded, do not make sound and bright colors are not frightening. Maybe, maybe you could justify rearranging a classroom to suit a child’s needs if the student had autism or some sort of visual processing disorder, but B.J was completely fine.
B.J’s father had also convinced him that he was a genius. He wouldn’t allow the kid to go to speech therapy even though he desperately needed it. He insisted that B.J be put in the gifted and talented program even though B.J was pretty below average in all subjects except reading. He couldn’t really handle the extra work load and it did hurt him academically.

One day my mom was supervising the students in the school library when she noticed B.J writing in one of the books. It was a picture book biography of Albert Einstein. In the 2 glossy blank pages at the end of the book, B.J had written, “Brendan (last name) is considered by most to be the next Albert Einstein. He began displaying genius as soon as he was born and has the highest intelligence of anyone ever recorded. Look for books about Brendan at the next (The school’s name) book fair”
For his next book report, he wrote something titled, “Brendan (last name): The next Albert Einstein. By B.J (last name).” He did a book report on a biography about himself that didn’t exist. My mother didn’t quite know what to do, so she had him evaluated by the school shrink. The kid obliviously needed serious help but his father refused to acknowledge that anything was wrong. In fact, he wanted to sue the school for suggesting that his child might need psychological help.
Shortly after that, B.J started turning homework and quizzes with the moniker, “B.J a.k.a The Next Albert Einstein”. The whole situation came to a head when my mom wanted to show a movie to the class around Martin Luther King Jr. day. But B.J wouldn’t have it. He raised his hand and said, “I do not want to see this movie. I would like to watch the hobbit. The movie is available in the school libwawee. I will watch the class while you go went it.” My mom told him in the nicest, teachery-est way possible to shut the fuck up and deal with it. B.J screamed at the top of his lungs and tried to throw his desk at her. Being a chubby weakling, he only managed to knock it over on another kid’s foot. This kid, who later turned out to be pretty awesome, had had enough of B.J’s shit and punched him in the eye. Both kids got in trouble but B.J actually got suspended for the rest of the week.

The only other childhood story that I know about B.J is when he moved house in 8th grade. His mom took him to a church closer to their new neighborhood and then second they walked through the door he screamed “GOD DOES NOT LIVE HEWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!” .

I didn’t see B.J again till high school but by then he had developed a reputation for being a complete psycho. His dad had gotten arrested for shitting in the toy isle in a Kmart, so B.J was living with his equally crazy mother. B.J was in my English class for 11th grade.
Here’s really where things get interesting. For some odd reason my English class had 16 girls in it and only 2 boys. Immediately, 7 kids dropped the class because it was an A.P writing class that conflicted with a different A.P science class. After the mini exodus, B.J remained the only male and seemed to be quite pleased about this.
For our first assignment we had a write a short creative piece on whatever subject we liked. B.J. instantly raised his hand and said in this strangely melodic voice, “Yes, and awe we going to be leawning to white ewwotica or pownogwaaphic fiction?”
The poor teacher looked like she was going to shit a brick. “This is a high school English class.” She reminded him. “Ohh I weally want to white ewwotic fiction” He looked genuinely sad.
After about ten minutes of chewing loudly on his pencil he made a loud whining noise and withdrew his head into his sweatshirt. His arms followed and he pulled the fabric over his knees. He made this little egg pose whenever the teacher asked him to complete an in class assignment or turn in homework. He never spoke or moved like this, no matter what anyone did. It was really really strange.
The in addition to formal academic assignments (of which B.J failed to complete even one), the teacher had us spend each Friday reading our own creative pieces and receiving criticism from our classmates. B.J spent each and every class writing furiously in a marble notebook until the bell rang. Finally at the end of the week we would all be treated to the fruits of his labors. That first Friday I honestly had no idea what to expect. He opened up his marble notebook and said, “I know girls don’t play video games but do any of you know what the Wowuld of Wawwcwaft is?” I couldn’t help it. I had to giggle, just a little bit. He glared at me and explained that he had written a WoW fanfic based on real life people and what they would be like if they were WoW characters. Apparently B.J had developed a serious crush on one of the really pretty girls in our class, named Danielle. “Dani” was cast the heroic Prince Bwenden’s strong, sexy, dark elf companion who was madly in love with him but he was too noble to be tempted by her advances. He read the story in this funny fake deep voice, with lots of embellishes and sound effects. He was so into it, he didn’t notice that the class was shaking with laughter. At the end of the chapter he slammed the book down and retreated into his egg pose.

It was like that every Friday. The teacher had him purposefully go last so that everyone could storm out as soon as the bell rang so that we could hide our laughter. Meanwhile, B.J was beginning to make the moves on Dani. Dani was a nice girl, definitely beautiful and she did not like being a part of B.J’s creepy tale. He started leaving her facebook messages that at first were pretty tame, things like “how did you like my story?” “How are you today?” “What is your cat’s name?”. Dani always responded politely and we thought that was that. He sent her a few amorous messages, my favorite being one about how she could depend on him to be a nice guy because he read Chicken Soup for the soul books.

Things took a turn for the weird when the fanfic version of Dani got the valiant prince Bwenden drunk and tried to seduce him. B.J embellished the story with a lot of sound effects, a cringe- inducing falsetto voice for Dani. The teacher finally asked him to stop as dark elf Dani began rubbing her wet tits on valiant prince Bwendens lips. B.J whined and protested and eventually retreated into his egg pose. After class I heard her comforting actual Dani and told her that she contacted the school psychologist about B.J.

But of course the fun didn’t stop there. The teacher naturally banned him from continuing his story if it was going to contain sexually explicated material, especially if it involved actual students. The next Friday he was so angry, he was taking long exaggerated breaths and kept his hood up over. I imagine that he though he looked pretty cool. When it came time for him to present, he stood up and started playing the air guitar. He then howled, what I suppose he though was some sort of Death metal song, but was just another opportunity for us to hear what Elmer Fudd would have sounded like had he done meth. People in other classrooms thought that someone was hurt so they came running. It was pretty hilarious.

A few weeks later Dani presented a story in which she recounted a memory about the day she peed herself after being hit in the crotch with a volley ball. Everyone was giggling and having a good time until B.J jumped up and strolled over to the door. He made no attempt to conceal his quite pronounced boner. We burst out laughing. “It’s not funny.” He said. “I can’t help it. This is natuwal.” He wasn’t embarrassed at all. The most I could say is that he was irritated that we were…laughing at his boner. He excused himself to the bathroom, which brought more shrieks of laughter.

Pretty soon after the teacher had him kicked out of the class, which was probably the right thing to do.

This is one of the funniest things I've ever read.

 

[Darwin Watterson]

To continue the saga of Alec and his lolcow family, I bring you the story of his older brother B.J. I had a lot more interaction with B.J because he was my age and in my grade. He also had my mother as his forth grade teacher. Like I said before, the whole family were lolcows and the stories about them are legendary. I actually have wanted to record their stories for a long time, because they are so funny and it would be a shame to forget.

I'll put it under the spoiler again.

Spoiler

First of all, Brendan insisted on being called B.J. ]Not a great nick name, as far as those things are concerned, but he insisted on it because he couldn’t actually pronounce his own name. Even in twelfth grade, he was still calling himself “Bwenden” because he couldn’t say his “R’s”. I first met B.J when we were in 5th grade. My school system was quite large, and consisted of several elementary schools feeding into two middle schools and finally one high school. I went to a different school than him for 5th grade, but he was a student in the class that my mother taught, so I ended up having a lot of contact with him.
It’s actually kind of a sad story, B.J probably would have been completely normal if it weren’t for his batshit insane father. On the first day of school B.J’s dad walked into the classroom and immediately began ripping down posters that he felt were distracting because “B.J was often upset by bright colors and loud sounds”. Posters, as you all well know because you are not completely retarded, do not make sound and bright colors are not frightening. Maybe, maybe you could justify rearranging a classroom to suit a child’s needs if the student had autism or some sort of visual processing disorder, but B.J was completely fine.
B.J’s father had also convinced him that he was a genius. He wouldn’t allow the kid to go to speech therapy even though he desperately needed it. He insisted that B.J be put in the gifted and talented program even though B.J was pretty below average in all subjects except reading. He couldn’t really handle the extra work load and it did hurt him academically.

One day my mom was supervising the students in the school library when she noticed B.J writing in one of the books. It was a picture book biography of Albert Einstein. In the 2 glossy blank pages at the end of the book, B.J had written, “Brendan (last name) is considered by most to be the next Albert Einstein. He began displaying genius as soon as he was born and has the highest intelligence of anyone ever recorded. Look for books about Brendan at the next (The school’s name) book fair”
For his next book report, he wrote something titled, “Brendan (last name): The next Albert Einstein. By B.J (last name).” He did a book report on a biography about himself that didn’t exist. My mother didn’t quite know what to do, so she had him evaluated by the school shrink. The kid obliviously needed serious help but his father refused to acknowledge that anything was wrong. In fact, he wanted to sue the school for suggesting that his child might need psychological help.
Shortly after that, B.J started turning homework and quizzes with the moniker, “B.J a.k.a The Next Albert Einstein”. The whole situation came to a head when my mom wanted to show a movie to the class around Martin Luther King Jr. day. But B.J wouldn’t have it. He raised his hand and said, “I do not want to see this movie. I would like to watch the hobbit. The movie is available in the school libwawee. I will watch the class while you go went it.” My mom told him in the nicest, teachery-est way possible to shut the fuck up and deal with it. B.J screamed at the top of his lungs and tried to throw his desk at her. Being a chubby weakling, he only managed to knock it over on another kid’s foot. This kid, who later turned out to be pretty awesome, had had enough of B.J’s shit and punched him in the eye. Both kids got in trouble but B.J actually got suspended for the rest of the week.

The only other childhood story that I know about B.J is when he moved house in 8th grade. His mom took him to a church closer to their new neighborhood and then second they walked through the door he screamed “GOD DOES NOT LIVE HEWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!” .

I didn’t see B.J again till high school but by then he had developed a reputation for being a complete psycho. His dad had gotten arrested for shitting in the toy isle in a Kmart, so B.J was living with his equally crazy mother. B.J was in my English class for 11th grade.
Here’s really where things get interesting. For some odd reason my English class had 16 girls in it and only 2 boys. Immediately, 7 kids dropped the class because it was an A.P writing class that conflicted with a different A.P science class. After the mini exodus, B.J remained the only male and seemed to be quite pleased about this.
For our first assignment we had a write a short creative piece on whatever subject we liked. B.J. instantly raised his hand and said in this strangely melodic voice, “Yes, and awe we going to be leawning to white ewwotica or pownogwaaphic fiction?”
The poor teacher looked like she was going to shit a brick. “This is a high school English class.” She reminded him. “Ohh I weally want to white ewwotic fiction” He looked genuinely sad.
After about ten minutes of chewing loudly on his pencil he made a loud whining noise and withdrew his head into his sweatshirt. His arms followed and he pulled the fabric over his knees. He made this little egg pose whenever the teacher asked him to complete an in class assignment or turn in homework. He never spoke or moved like this, no matter what anyone did. It was really really strange.
The in addition to formal academic assignments (of which B.J failed to complete even one), the teacher had us spend each Friday reading our own creative pieces and receiving criticism from our classmates. B.J spent each and every class writing furiously in a marble notebook until the bell rang. Finally at the end of the week we would all be treated to the fruits of his labors. That first Friday I honestly had no idea what to expect. He opened up his marble notebook and said, “I know girls don’t play video games but do any of you know what the Wowuld of Wawwcwaft is?” I couldn’t help it. I had to giggle, just a little bit. He glared at me and explained that he had written a WoW fanfic based on real life people and what they would be like if they were WoW characters. Apparently B.J had developed a serious crush on one of the really pretty girls in our class, named Danielle. “Dani” was cast the heroic Prince Bwenden’s strong, sexy, dark elf companion who was madly in love with him but he was too noble to be tempted by her advances. He read the story in this funny fake deep voice, with lots of embellishes and sound effects. He was so into it, he didn’t notice that the class was shaking with laughter. At the end of the chapter he slammed the book down and retreated into his egg pose.

It was like that every Friday. The teacher had him purposefully go last so that everyone could storm out as soon as the bell rang so that we could hide our laughter. Meanwhile, B.J was beginning to make the moves on Dani. Dani was a nice girl, definitely beautiful and she did not like being a part of B.J’s creepy tale. He started leaving her facebook messages that at first were pretty tame, things like “how did you like my story?” “How are you today?” “What is your cat’s name?”. Dani always responded politely and we thought that was that. He sent her a few amorous messages, my favorite being one about how she could depend on him to be a nice guy because he read Chicken Soup for the soul books.

Things took a turn for the weird when the fanfic version of Dani got the valiant prince Bwenden drunk and tried to seduce him. B.J embellished the story with a lot of sound effects, a cringe- inducing falsetto voice for Dani. The teacher finally asked him to stop as dark elf Dani began rubbing her wet tits on valiant prince Bwendens lips. B.J whined and protested and eventually retreated into his egg pose. After class I heard her comforting actual Dani and told her that she contacted the school psychologist about B.J.

But of course the fun didn’t stop there. The teacher naturally banned him from continuing his story if it was going to contain sexually explicated material, especially if it involved actual students. The next Friday he was so angry, he was taking long exaggerated breaths and kept his hood up over. I imagine that he though he looked pretty cool. When it came time for him to present, he stood up and started playing the air guitar. He then howled, what I suppose he though was some sort of Death metal song, but was just another opportunity for us to hear what Elmer Fudd would have sounded like had he done meth. People in other classrooms thought that someone was hurt so they came running. It was pretty hilarious.

A few weeks later Dani presented a story in which she recounted a memory about the day she peed herself after being hit in the crotch with a volley ball. Everyone was giggling and having a good time until B.J jumped up and strolled over to the door. He made no attempt to conceal his quite pronounced boner. We burst out laughing. “It’s not funny.” He said. “I can’t help it. This is natuwal.” He wasn’t embarrassed at all. The most I could say is that he was irritated that we were…laughing at his boner. He excused himself to the bathroom, which brought more shrieks of laughter.

Pretty soon after the teacher had him kicked out of the class, which was probably the right thing to do.

Old post, but do you have any more stories about this kid? I can't remember the last time I laughed so hard.

 

[littlebiscuits]

Old post, but do you have any more stories about this kid? I can't remember the last time I laughed so hard.

Alec? Yeah I could give you guys an update. I mean, my mom still sees them all the time...unfortunately for her! So let's see, what has been going on with Alec and B.J?

Well, Alec never learned to drive. I feel like you guys might have inferred that from his drivers ed story, but it bears repeating. So yeah. Still needs to ride around with his parents, which is fine, because he doesn't have a job. B.J. on the other hand. Ohhhhhh B.J.

Well. B.J has decided to be a grade school teacher. Which is great, its fine, but B.J isn't really good with people. Oh and he might be a sex offender now! But let's save that for last.

...........yeah I have like three really long stories but it's midnight and I have work at 8 am! So, tomarrow?

 

[yasscat]

Well. B.J has decided to be a grade school teacher. Which is great, its fine, but B.J isn't really good with people. Oh and he might be a sex offender now! But let's save that for last.

TELL ME MOAR.

 

[littlebiscuits]

TELL ME MOAR.

IM WORKING ON IT. Actually the opposite of that. Because I'll be asleep.

 

[yasscat]

IM WORKING ON IT. Actually the opposite of that. Because I'll be asleep.

Fair enough. I am very intrigued now, though.

 

[Darwin Watterson]

Alec? Yeah I could give you guys an update. I mean, my mom still sees them all the time...unfortunately for her! So let's see, what has been going on with Alec and B.J?

Well, Alec never learned to drive. I feel like you guys might have inferred that from his drivers ed story, but it bears repeating. So yeah. Still needs to ride around with his parents, which is fine, because he doesn't have a job. B.J. on the other hand. Ohhhhhh B.J.

Well. B.J has decided to be a grade school teacher. Which is great, its fine, but B.J isn't really good with people. Oh and he might be a sex offender now! But let's save that for last.

...........yeah I have like three really long stories but it's midnight and I have work at 8 am! So, tomarrow?

Great! Gives me something to look forward to!

 

[littlebiscuits]

Alright, so, this is going to be kind of hard for me to write about because I didn't witness them first hand. I'll just have to do my best!!

The return of B.J:

Spoiler

As I was saying before, B.J has decided to become an elementary school teacher. And, as a standard part of any aspiring teacher's eduction, they must spend a semester or two being mentored by a certified teacher in the field they wish to pursue. Guess which lucky teacher got to have B.J as their lil' helper? Yup, my mama, the same woman he attempted to throw a desk at when he himself was a fourth grader.

I bought her a bottle of wine when I found out. Least I could do.

So anyway, B.J's first day at his big boy job was...interesting to say the least. And I'm sort of guessing a little here, but this is what my mother says is the actual conversation that happened ( I called her and asked her to tell me the story again!!) when he strolled through the door.

"So, Mws. [mispronunciation of our last name], bet you nevewr expected to see me again, huh?" Smuggest look ever on his face. And oh, his face. Guys I know it's mean to make fun of people for their appearances, but I have to, I just, I have to say something. The acne. The acne was unreal. His zits had zits. He had bleeding, open, oozing white heads that were dripping down onto his white dress shirt, making these red and cream stains along the collar. My mother cheerfully described them as "strawberry cheesecake drips!". Thanks mom.

And it's weird, he didn't have such bad acne when he was in high school, at all. Just an odd little observation.

"Oh Brendan, I'm always glad to see how my students have grown up! Why don't we get you set up with - oh alright. Still a big reader, huh?" B.J had plopped himself down in the "book nook"- a tiny, squashy old couch for the kiddos to do their independent reading on - and began reading a goosebumps book.

"mmhmm"

"Oh my, Brendan, put the book away please! Your professor has you down for math and science observation at today, but I'd like you to introduce yourself to the class first, so they don't get too excited. We're starting our insect unit, and you'll be here for the whole project. That means you'll be designing two lesson plans- are you listening?"

"Awe you talking?"

"Excuse me?" My mother is as soft spoken as a delicate butterfly, but she does NOT take shit from anyone. At all. Ever. It's inspiring, and it can be terrifying. B.J. started to lose his nerve a little.

"I do not appweciate when people intewupt my weading."

"Well, you're not hear to read, you're hear to work. And to learn."

"Fine." And - oh, happy day, egg pose ways back! And as luck would have it, so were twenty five loud, screaming eight year olds. They swarmed on him like flies to shit, screaming questions and physically standing on the book nook sofa to get a better look at the pimpled, bloody creature.

"Boys and Girls! Boys and Girls! We have a student teacher with us today and he's going to tell us all about himself, but he can't do that until everyone is sitting quietly." But they were already quieting. B.J had not unfolded from the egg pose, and none of the children could quite understand why exactly an adult was behaving in such a way. "Brendan, why don't you come up and say a few words to the class." With a whine, B.J shuffled over to the front of the class, and mumbled inaudibly under his breath. "Brendan, please speak up so the boys and girls in the back of the class ca-"

"I SAID 'HI MY NAME IS B.J AND I'M A STUDENT TEACHER! I LIKE READING AND PLAYING LEAGUE OF LEGENDS! I READ TWO BOOKS A DAY AND I HAVE AN IQ OF OVER 170! THERE! IS THAT GOOD ENOUGH!?" He kind of clicked his tongue and rolled his eyes like he couldn't believe he had to deal with any of this nonsense.

The kiddies were stunned. One horrified little boy whispered to his friend, "why is he so mad at us?".

"DOES ANYONE HAVE A QUESTION FOR ME?" he screeched.

A little boy raised his hand, a sly little grin on his face.

"Yes, boy in the wed shiwt?"


"Um, one time, my brother told me that a B.J was when-" My mother jumped to intervene.
"Let's keep the questions about our new student teacher and his life and- "
"No, I'll answawr his question, see, -"
"No, you won't answer it, because it's time for science! It's insect time, we're going outside to the garden!"My mother said in a panic.
A little girl screamed over her, "I DIDN'T GET TO ASK HIM WHY HIS FACE IS SO RED!"
"Well," my mother answered diplomatically, "that's because that isn't a very polite question and we don't ask impolite questions about other peoples appearances."



B.J's hands were clenched into fists and he was breathing heavily. Then he roared and punched the wall so hard the overhead clock went tumbling onto the booknook sofa. Everyone was frozen in horror, except of course, for B.J.
Like nothing had ever happened, B.J turned to my mother and asked if he could read a story to the children. She declined his request, and sent him home early as punishment. He was weirdly thrilled about this.

"Alwight, well. Gweat seeing you again Mwrs. [Littlebiscuits]. The childwen are weally cute. This is going to be easy."

"Brendan, you realize that I'm giving you zero credit for today's work and am report this to your professor? This is a serious problem. I think you-" But of course he was already gone, barreling down the hallway at full sperg, far, far away from the horrors and oppression of adult work.

And that was B.J's first day! Next up: B. J's last day of work, and after that, why B.J might be a sex offender.

 

[yasscat]

Alright, so, this is going to be kind of hard for me to write about because I didn't witness them first hand. I'll just have to do my best!!

The return of B.J:

Spoiler

As I was saying before, B.J has decided to become an elementary school teacher. And, as a standard part of any aspiring teacher's eduction, they must spend a semester or two being mentored by a certified teacher in the field they wish to pursue. Guess which lucky teacher got to have B.J as their lil' helper? Yup, my mama, the same woman he attempted to throw a desk at when he himself was a fourth grader.

I bought her a bottle of wine when I found out. Least I could do.

So anyway, B.J's first day at his big boy job was...interesting to say the least. And I'm sort of guessing a little here, but this is what my mother says is the actual conversation that happened ( I called her and asked her to tell me the story again!!) when he strolled through the door.

"So, Mws. [mispronunciation of our last name], bet you nevewr expected to see me again, huh?" Smuggest look ever on his face. And oh, his face. Guys I know it's mean to make fun of people for their appearances, but I have to, I just, I have to say something. The acne. The acne was unreal. His zits had zits. He had bleeding, open, oozing white heads that were dripping down onto his white dress shirt, making these red and cream stains along the collar. My mother cheerfully described them as "strawberry cheesecake drips!". Thanks mom.

And it's weird, he didn't have such bad acne when he was in high school, at all. Just an odd little observation.

"Oh Brendan, I'm always glad to see how my students have grown up! Why don't we get you set up with - oh alright. Still a big reader, huh?" B.J had plopped himself down in the "book nook"- a tiny, squashy old couch for the kiddos to do their independent reading on - and began reading a goosebumps book.

"mmhmm"

"Oh my, Brendan, put the book away please! Your professor has you down for math and science observation at today, but I'd like you to introduce yourself to the class first, so they don't get too excited. We're starting our insect unit, and you'll be here for the whole project. That means you'll be designing two lesson plans- are you listening?"

"Awe you talking?"

"Excuse me?" My mother is as soft spoken as a delicate butterfly, but she does NOT take shit from anyone. At all. Ever. It's inspiring, and it can be terrifying. B.J. started to lose his nerve a little.

"I do not appweciate when people intewupt my weading."

"Well, you're not hear to read, you're hear to work. And to learn."

"Fine." And - oh, happy day, egg pose ways back! And as luck would have it, so were twenty five loud, screaming eight year olds. They swarmed on him like flies to shit, screaming questions and physically standing on the book nook sofa to get a better look at the pimpled, bloody creature.

"Boys and Girls! Boys and Girls! We have a student teacher with us today and he's going to tell us all about himself, but he can't do that until everyone is sitting quietly." But they were already quieting. B.J had not unfolded from the egg pose, and none of the children could quite understand why exactly an adult was behaving in such a way. "Brendan, why don't you come up and say a few words to the class." With a whine, B.J shuffled over to the front of the class, and mumbled inaudibly under his breath. "Brendan, please speak up so the boys and girls in the back of the class ca-"

"I SAID 'HI MY NAME IS B.J AND I'M A STUDENT TEACHER! I LIKE READING AND PLAYING LEAGUE OF LEGENDS! I READ TWO BOOKS A DAY AND I HAVE AN IQ OF OVER 170! THERE! IS THAT GOOD ENOUGH!?" He kind of clicked his tongue and rolled his eyes like he couldn't believe he had to deal with any of this nonsense.

The kiddies were stunned. One horrified little boy whispered to his friend, "why is he so mad at us?".

"DOES ANYONE HAVE A QUESTION FOR ME?" he screeched.

A little boy raised his hand, a sly little grin on his face.

"Yes, boy in the wed shiwt?"


"Um, one time, my brother told me that a B.J was when-" My mother jumped to intervene.
"Let's keep the questions about our new student teacher and his life and- "
"No, I'll answawr his question, see, -"
"No, you won't answer it, because it's time for science! It's insect time, we're going outside to the garden!"My mother said in a panic.
A little girl screamed over her, "I DIDN'T GET TO ASK HIM WHY HIS FACE IS SO RED!"
"Well," my mother answered diplomatically, "that's because that isn't a very polite question and we don't ask impolite questions about other peoples appearances."



B.J's hands were clenched into fists and he was breathing heavily. Then he roared and punched the wall so hard the overhead clock went tumbling onto the booknook sofa. Everyone was frozen in horror, except of course, for B.J.
Like nothing had ever happened, B.J turned to my mother and asked if he could read a story to the children. She declined his request, and sent him home early as punishment. He was weirdly thrilled about this.

"Alwight, well. Gweat seeing you again Mwrs. [Littlebiscuits]. The childwen are weally cute. This is going to be easy."

"Brendan, you realize that I'm giving you zero credit for today's work and am report this to your professor? This is a serious problem. I think you-" But of course he was already gone, barreling down the hallway at full sperg, far, far away from the horrors and oppression of adult work.

And that was B.J's first day! Next up: B. J's last day of work, and after that, why B.J might be a sex offender.

I'm terrified, yet excited for what the next installments of The Tales of B.J. will have in store for us Kiwis.