The Retail Horror Thread 2: More Tales to Chill your Bones

[Majora]

Gamestop has its own form of worthless currency called Powerup Points, which after spending hundreds of dollars you may have enough for a $5 off coupon. how many points you have prints at the bottom of the receipt. well, for 15,000 points, you can renew your membership status. so this seemingly okay customer comes in (blacker than night, and heavy Ebonics go figure) and buys a shitty third party 360 controller. his card is about to expire, and he has enough points to renew, so I tell him for 15,000 I can renew his card for FREE. he agrees, and he pays for his controller and goes on his way and I think nothing of it till about a half hour later I get a phone call. Its him.

him: "I wantz to speak Manager"
me: "I am the current MOD, how can i help you"
him: "I came bought 360 controller and I wana know who dat FAGGOT is who stealing my power points"
me: "sir, that was me, what is the problem"
him: "I had [however much he had] and now i only have [however much he had after card renewal]!"
me"yes, you renewed your card sir it takes away 15,ooo points"
him"NO. I KNOW WHAT HAPPENED. you little buddy" [The person who was working with me was also behind the cash wrap] "listening to my info and yo steal my points!"

after explaining to him again that his card renewal cost points he was still chimping so i just gave him the number to customer support so they could deal with him.

 

[Reddit Avenger]

I've got plenty of stories but not a lot of time so I'll just post something short-ish and sweet.

On 'Black Friday' Wal-Mart is opened at 1:00 am since there's a sort of exclusive 1-hour period where they basically issue out rainchecks, so I got like zero sleep. I had to work at the Electronic's service desk cashing people out. Anyways there was this one lady who wanted to buy an Xbox One bundle but was super pissed off for some reason, and suddenly while waiting she starting not-so-subtly "whispering" insults at me like "CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS KID!?!", "Oh my god this fucking kid...", and shit like that. Anyways, she comes to me and I pretend to not have heard her and she starts demanding I hold onto her bundle and "reserve" it even though I told her it's against policy. Eventually I just said I'd hold onto it and she went to god-knows-where.

A couple minutes later a nice family was looking for her exact bundle (since we ran out) and I sold her Xbox to them since that lady was a cunt. She went to someone else and they told her that we can't reserve things and that we didn't have it and stomped on out.

Don't bite the hand that feeds you kids.

 

[LazarusOwenhart]

I've got plenty of stories but no a lot of time so I'll just post something short-ish andd sweet.

On 'Black Friday' Wal-Mart is opened at 1:00 am since there's a sort of exclusive 1-hour period where they basically issue out rainchecks, so I've had like zero sleep. I have to work at the Electronic's service desk cashing people out. Anyways there was this one lady who wanted to but an Xbox One bundle but was super pissed off for some reason, and suddenly while waiting she starting not-so-subtly "whispering" insults at me like "CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS KID!?!", "Oh my god this fucking kid...", and shit like that. Anyways she comes to me and I pretend to not have heard her and she starts demanding I hold onto her bundle and "reserve" it even though I told here we can't, eventually I just said I'd hold onto it and she went to god-knows-where.

A couple minutes later a nice family was looking for her exact bundle (since we ran out) and I sold her Xbox to them since that lady was a cunt. She went to someone else and they told her that we can't reserve things and that we didn't have it and stomped on out.

Don't bite the hand that feeds you kids.

Reminds me of customers who used to ask if they could put stuff on layaway. "I'd be like, sure we'll need a deposit, when do you need it until?" "Er, Christmas?" "Dude it's March!"

 

[Reddit Avenger]

Reminds me of customers who used to ask if they could put stuff on layaway. "I'd be like, sure we'll need a deposit, when do you need it until?" "Er, Christmas?" "Dude it's March!"

Yeah I hate people who pull that kinda shit. Back in space year 2014 when I still worked at Walmart, I was the only "photo technician" (which basically means I had to work photo, electronics, stock shelves, handle online orders, and cash people out all at once for minimum wage, seriously fuck Walmart) I would shred people's photos if they tried to pull any stupid shit since it was insanely easy to just say we never got the order since I could delete it from the history.

Sometimes I wish it was mandatory for everyone to work at least one day in retail just so they can understand the bullshit I go through and why I can't magically fix my register whenever it decides to randomly crash or use your dumb points that you're not actually qualified to use.

 

[Platypus]

Gamestop has its own form of worthless currency called Powerup Points, which after spending hundreds of dollars you may have enough for a $5 off coupon. how many points you have prints at the bottom of the receipt. well, for 15,000 points, you can renew your membership status. so this seemingly okay customer comes in (blacker than night, and heavy Ebonics go figure) and buys a shitty third party 360 controller. his card is about to expire, and he has enough points to renew, so I tell him for 15,000 I can renew his card for FREE. he agrees, and he pays for his controller and goes on his way and I think nothing of it till about a half hour later I get a phone call. Its him.

him: "I wantz to speak Manager"
me: "I am the current MOD, how can i help you"
him: "I came bought 360 controller and I wana know who dat FAGGOT is who stealing my power points"
me: "sir, that was me, what is the problem"
him: "I had [however much he had] and now i only have [however much he had after card renewal]!"
me"yes, you renewed your card sir it takes away 15,ooo points"
him"NO. I KNOW WHAT HAPPENED. you little buddy" [The person who was working with me was also behind the cash wrap] "listening to my info and yo steal my points!"

after explaining to him again that his card renewal cost points he was still chimping so i just gave him the number to customer support so they could deal with him.

I had my own amazing experiences with some "ghetto" customers. Mostly that they refused to listen to a goddamn thing that came out of your mouth. They would ask a question, you would respond, and they would argue the point with you. Didn't matter what it was about, be it store policy or opinion, you were always fucking wrong. This wasn't limited to any race either, white, black, mexican, asian, russian, dutch, whatever. There's always angry ghetto people.

Ghetto story below.

Spoiler: I'm short, not retarded.

The worst when it was just me and this girl who we lovingly referred to as "Space Cadet". She was...special. She was the kind of person who got hired because we needed more floor grunts for the holidays, but didn't take the hint when one store's manager cut her hours. So another store picked her up thinking she would be OK fodder for the register on slow days. She was bossy as fuck, loud as fuck, and not particularly bright.

Anyway, for some inexplicable reason we were slammed in the middle of the day on a Tuesday, about 30-40 customers in the store. The previous day I had 4 kids (17 - 20s) come in and ask a ton of questions about our PS3 systems. The main question, they they asked me no less than 6 times, was if they could return a NEW PS3 after it had been opened if they didn't like it. I said no, that if they weren't sure they should get a used one, which CAN be returned after it had been opened. They ended up buying a new one, and before and after I rang them up, I repeated that they WOULD NOT BE ABLE TO RETURN THIS OPENED. They brushed me off and left.

Fast forward to the next day when we're slammed. In comes those 4 kids, opened PS3 system in hand. I immediately knew it was going to be a shitstorm, so I diverted the line to Space Cadet and walked around the counter to meet them (since lines didn't apply to them apparently). They say they want to return the system. I remind them of what I said the previous day, and deny the return, but offer to have them trade in for cash or store credit. They find out how much that is (not even a third of what they paid for it)and begin chimping out hard. At this point the entire store is dead silent and watching this clusterfuck. They screeched about how they were going to get me and Space Cadet fired, called me just about every name imaginable, called me racist, and keep stepping towards me demanding I accept the return. I'm a small and quiet person, I have terrible anxiety, but in a situation that is that stressful I go into full bitch mode. I politely asked them to leave, they ignored me, I asked again when they started coming closer, they kept going. At that point I said "What are you gonna do in front of a store full of people? Nothing. Get out of the store before I get the cops to take you out.", to which they responded by turning around and screaming more racial slurs and threats at me as they left. Only nice thing about that store was that there was always at least 2 cops in the restaurant next door, cruisers parked out front and all.

Then Space Cadet had a panic attack and I had to send her home and deal with 40 people myself. They were all pretty nice after seeing that though. The next day I got a half hour "talking to" from the DM because I "could have salvaged that trade-in.". Fuck that place.

 

[Majora]

The next day I got a half hour "talking to" from the DM because I "could have salvaged that trade-in.". Fuck that place.

Gamestop DMs are fucking little rat dicks. when Witcher came out, someone came in late to pick up their preorder so we were out of the keychains. He was pissy yeah, but not story worthy mad. but my DM on the other hand was face red mad because i didnt lick the customers butthole and get him a keychain from a store that had one like 30 mins away.

 

[Sanshain]

I've a minor story to tell, though it's not the usual fare for this thread. I was at a major store a few days ago, browsing the science fiction and anime section. I'm wearing fairly formal clothes, and all of a sudden there's this tap on my shoulder. I turn around, and this eighty-something year old woman is looking at me very intently. For a long moment she says nothing, and I assume she wants me to step aside, since I was taking up space near a shelf. I do so, and she steps with me. A few more seconds pass, and then she abruptly says 'Excuse me, have you seen Little Mary?' in an extremely quiet, but intense voice.

'Uhm, no, is it a science fiction book?' I ask, rather confused. I don't work at the store in question, but hey, I was raised proper. Strange or no, I'm not going to brush off a person who needs help.

'Oh no', she says in the same quiet, but slightly urgent tone. 'I'm looking for Little Mary'.

At this point I'm very confused indeed, and more than a little sure she isn't quite all there. Before I can reply, she blinks a few times, looks slightly startled, then asks me if I work here. I say no, and her voice suddenly changes to normal pitch and she apologizes profusely, before backing out of the aisle. Now, an actual shop assistant has noticed all this, and he asks if he can help her from about a meter away. Despite saying this in a loud, clear voice in an almost silent bookstore, she completely ignores him and starts wandering off in a seemingly random direction. Being obviously keen to keep his job, he follows her, eventually having to physically make contact with her shoulder in order to attract her attention. I didn't stay any longer than that, but as I left I could see her making quite intense hand-gestures at him, while still speaking in an extremely quiet but intense tone of voice. I'm still wondering what precisely was wrong with her.

 

[fishercat]

I'm still wondering what precisely was wrong with her.

She was looking for Little Mary, obviously.

 

[Big Nasty]

They say they want to return the system.

The "Return used product and expect a full refund" routine is typical of ghetto style customers, I can vouch for that.

 

[AnOminous]

I didn't stay any longer than that, but as I left I could see her making quite intense hand-gestures at him, while still speaking in an extremely quiet but intense tone of voice. I'm still wondering what precisely was wrong with her.

You encountered an SCP.

 

[Bugaboo]

Now I never experienced this while working at a store but I did experience this while being at a store.
Ok so there is this ghetto pet store where the people are so damn rude and the animals are so poorly cared for (let me give you an idea of how bad it is, they routinely sell puppy mill puppies and baby iguanas ) I have a couple stories from this store, because it's so close sometimes I have to go there to buy supplies if I'm really fucking desprate.
Story 1:
I walk into the store, there is a tarantula, she's labeled "Chilean Tarantula" now a Chilean Tarantula isn't actually a thing so I'm like, "yo, what's that tarantula, it says it's a Chilean Tarantula but is she a Chilean Rose Hair?"
"No, it's a cross"
"Between what?"
"It's a cross"
Eventually she tells me that she was a cross between a Chilean Rose and a Curly Hair, now cross breeding tarantulas is generally frowned upon in the tarantula keeping coumminity since a big part of it includes breeding tarantulas and distributing them to other keepers and cross breeding a species renders the offspring infertile. Anyway bitch was so damn rude, I didn't even remember what I came in there for but I gtfo.

Story 2:
I walk in to buy crickets and this bitch is telling this mother with 2 small children who are buying a common pleco for a small tank (common plecos can grow to be several feet long) that it won't start attacking fish(???) Ok, plecos generally only latch onto fish to feed on their protective coat and that is if they are starving. You should routinely feed your pleco veggies like zuchinni and offer driftwood for them to eat as well as algae.
I'm all like "you guys know that fish is going to get huge"
And the fucking bitch sales lady looks at me and tells me super smugly "NO IT'S NOT" and one of the woman's children turns to me and tells me cheerfully "He won't get that big!" Thanks for selling another fish who will be ultimately flushed down the toilet or thrown into the canal lady.
Oh also I went there and a lizard had a straight up broken toe and I was like "yo, this lizard looks like he hurt his toe" and the sales lady comes up, looks at him for 2 seconds and says "Oh, he's fine" at this point I'm fucking enraged because how to do have such blantant disregard for your livestock.
Oh also last night I went to another pet store to buy bloodworms and they had dyed fish (the dying process is very cruel, dangerous and dyed fish never live very long because of it) basically they tattoo a fish and that's the equivilent of you getting a tattoo with a goddamn harpoon.
Honestly we could just have a thread all about "pet shop horrors" and I'd have so many stories to tell.

 

[yasscat]

Now I never experienced this while working at a store but I did experience this while being at a store.
Ok so there is this ghetto pet store where the people are so damn rude and the animals are so poorly cared for (let me give you an idea of how bad it is, they routinely sell puppy mill puppies and baby iguanas ) I have a couple stories from this store, because it's so close sometimes I have to go there to buy supplies if I'm really fucking desprate.
Story 1:
I walk into the store, there is a tarantula, she's labeled "Chilean Tarantula" now a Chilean Tarantula isn't actually a thing so I'm like, "yo, what's that tarantula, it says it's a Chilean Tarantula but is she a Chilean Rose Hair?"
"No, it's a cross"
"Between what?"
"It's a cross"
Eventually she tells me that she was a cross between a Chilean Rose and a Curly Hair, now cross breeding tarantulas is generally frowned upon in the tarantula keeping coumminity since a big part of it includes breeding tarantulas and distributing them to other keepers and cross breeding a species renders the offspring infertile. Anyway bitch was so damn rude, I didn't even remember what I came in there for but I gtfo.

Those poor spider babies D: I used to have a pet tarantula, so this made me extra sad.

I walk in to buy crickets and this bitch is telling this mother with 2 small children who are buying a common pleco for a small tank (common plecos can grow to be several feet long) that it won't start attacking fish(???) Ok, plecos generally only latch onto fish to feed on their protective coat and that is if they are starving. You should routinely feed your pleco veggies like zuchinni and offer driftwood for them to eat as well as algae.
I'm all like "you guys know that fish is going to get huge"
And the fucking bitch sales lady looks at me and tells me super smugly "NO IT'S NOT" and one of the woman's children turns to me and tells me cheerfully "He won't get that big!" Thanks for selling another fish who will be ultimately flushed down the toilet or thrown into the canal lady.
Oh also I went there and a lizard had a straight up broken toe and I was like "yo, this lizard looks like he hurt his toe" and the sales lady comes up, looks at him for 2 seconds and says "Oh, he's fine" at this point I'm fucking enraged because how to do have such blantant disregard for your livestock.
Oh also last night I went to another pet store to buy bloodworms and they had dyed fish (the dying process is very cruel, dangerous and dyed fish never live very long because of it) basically they tattoo a fish and that's the equivilent of you getting a tattoo with a goddamn harpoon.
Honestly we could just have a thread all about "pet shop horrors" and I'd have so many stories to tell.

Those poor everythings holy shit D: how has that shop not been shut down by now?

 

[Bugaboo]

Those poor spider babies D: I used to have a pet tarantula, so this made me extra sad.


Those poor everythings holy shit D: how has that shop not been shut down by now?

The mayor is trying to outlaw the sale of puppies, kittens and rabbits in stores, and this store is the only store in the region that sells them anymore. Every other store displays kittens from the humane society sometimes and they get adopted out on the humane societies terms (I worked in a store that did this, people came in all the time to try and adopt them but they never met the qualifications)

 

[LordGoomy]

While working in the pharmacy, I've had some pretty... exceptional customers.

Spoiler: Partial Fill

When filling a prescription, if there isn't enough of the drug in stock to fill it completely, we usually do a partial fill - that is, give the patient enough of the drug to last a particular amount of days (usually 5-10) so that we can order more of the drug and fill the script the rest of the way when they come back. In some cases, they only have to pay for the number of pills they're getting at that time, paying the rest when they get the rest of their medicine.

I had a woman come in and ask for a fill, so I went through the normal routine after scanning the prescription and such - grab the drug, scan it and the leaflet, print the label. I pop that sucker open and there's about 12 pills in the bottle for a 'script that calls for 60. Shit. I go back to the shelf and scout it out - no, that's literally the only bottle we've got. Shit.

So I go into the system, bring up that particular prescription, and put in that we're only filling this one a part of the way. I dump the label and leaflet into the DPI box, print out a new leaflet, and set about my process again. Now, the new label says 10/60 under "quantity." I circle it. The leaflet says 10/60 - I circle that. After I fill the prescription, I write in big fat letters on the front of the leaflet "PARTIAL - 10/60" and circle it.

As an added precaution, as I'm handing this woman her pills, I tell her that we didn't have enough medication in stock to completely fill her prescription, but that when she ran out she could come back and get the rest filled because we would order more of the drug in the meantime. I pointed to the "PARTIAL" on the leaflet as I explained. She nodded, said she'd be back next week, and took off - I very wrongly assumed that was the end of that.

Guess who came back, 45 minutes later, screaming at us that we didn't give her all of her medication and we were trying to rip her off?

 

[AN/ALR56]

While working in the pharmacy, I've had some pretty... exceptional customers.

Spoiler: Partial Fill

When filling a prescription, if there isn't enough of the drug in stock to fill it completely, we usually do a partial fill - that is, give the patient enough of the drug to last a particular amount of days (usually 5-10) so that we can order more of the drug and fill the script the rest of the way when they come back. In some cases, they only have to pay for the number of pills they're getting at that time, paying the rest when they get the rest of their medicine.

I had a woman come in and ask for a fill, so I went through the normal routine after scanning the prescription and such - grab the drug, scan it and the leaflet, print the label. I pop that sucker open and there's about 12 pills in the bottle for a 'script that calls for 60. Shit. I go back to the shelf and scout it out - no, that's literally the only bottle we've got. Shit.

So I go into the system, bring up that particular prescription, and put in that we're only filling this one a part of the way. I dump the label and leaflet into the DPI box, print out a new leaflet, and set about my process again. Now, the new label says 10/60 under "quantity." I circle it. The leaflet says 10/60 - I circle that. After I fill the prescription, I write in big fat letters on the front of the leaflet "PARTIAL - 10/60" and circle it.

As an added precaution, as I'm handing this woman her pills, I tell her that we didn't have enough medication in stock to completely fill her prescription, but that when she ran out she could come back and get the rest filled because we would order more of the drug in the meantime. I pointed to the "PARTIAL" on the leaflet as I explained. She nodded, said she'd be back next week, and took off - I very wrongly assumed that was the end of that.

Guess who came back, 45 minutes later, screaming at us that we didn't give her all of her medication and we were trying to rip her off?

Why americans fail to read basic instructions?
goddamn

 

[LazarusOwenhart]

Been off work sick for a few weeks and I got a good "Hey guess what you missed" email from a colleague. Allegedly, some dude who applied for an agency position at our company (we get hundreds a week) was annoyed that nobody had gotten back to him to offer him an interview. He came into reception today and demanded to see pretty much anybody with manager in their title. After chimping out for a few minutes he took the opportunity to bolt through a secure door when it was opened from the other side by a member of staff. He steamed round a corner and happened upon the main security checkpoint where four of my colleagues introduced him in detail to the taste of linoleum before loading him into a police car. The message I guess he needs to take away is that, if you don't get a call, you don't have a job.

 

[c-no]

Why americans fail to read basic instructions?
goddamn

As an American, I can guess it's probably because they don't really pay attention or something like that. Really, the words "PARTIAL" was written in big fat letters so that should be hard to miss unless that person didn't fully understand that part.

 

[LordGoomy]

As an American, I can guess it's probably because they don't really pay attention or something like that. Really, the words "PARTIAL" was written in big fat letters so that should be hard to miss unless that person didn't fully understand that part.

I have no idea how she wouldn't have understood what it meant. I took her aside and explained very simply to her what it meant and that she could come get the rest of it when she was out of what we'd given her. I guarantee you even a child would have understood. You're probably right in that she really wasn't paying attention - a lot of people are impatient and just want their pills so they can go home.

It was a bit annoying having to explain it all twice over when she came back - once before she calmed down enough to understand, and again when she looked like she was listening. She seemed rather embarrassed over it as well, when she finally understood what "PARTIAL" meant.

 

[littlebiscuits]

Went to work today, business as usual, everything's fine. Except no, it's not fine. A stench demon has entered my serene world of moderately priced fragrances in the form of a 400+ pound woman and her pregnant looking husband. The woman is being pushed on a device I have never seen before, some wheelchair that has been jerry-rigged to keep the woman's bulbous form horizontal at all times. The smell surrounding her is unbelievable, some kind of rancid mix of fish, sweat, and the distinctive order of blood. I'm scared. They wheel towards me.

"Welcome to [store], what brings you guys in today?"

"Wa she say?" the stench demon croaked.
"She asked us 'howdy doo?", her husband hollered back. I swear on Chris- he really said that. I was officially in an unironic Mark Twain novel.

"Oh. Tell her I need the shower spray. And sanitizer. And ask her 'bout the cooty stuffs."

"You heared the wife. Hook her up with some shower spray." Except they didn't say "shower spray". It was more like "sure spry", and I had no idea what they were talking about.

"I'm sorry, what was that? Sure deodorant? We don't carry that product here. But I can help you find something similar!" No I can't. Disappear from my life so I can forget you.

"The SURE SPRY! THE SURE SPRY! The red bottle right there!" stench beast gestured wildly at an ordinary bottle of body spray. You know, the light fragrance mist you might spray on your arms and cloths to freshen up? Body spray. Just body spray.

"Did you perhaps mean our fine fragrance mist?" I asked.

"Yeah the sure spry. The spry you used stead of a sure." Oh, that explains the smell. Alright.

"Well, we don't recommend that that our products be used instead of a shower...perhaps after a shower would be more appropriate."

"Girl, I look like I can git in a sure?"

"Um. Well, maybe..., we have these really nice loofas with a handle..."

"Well wa bout the sanitizers? You still go thems?" I need to add that I would never recommend a person in her condition use any alcohol- based body products. Her skin was so pocked and thin and pale, I would be afraid the alcohol would instantly burn her.
I won't bore you with the details of me selling them miniature hand sanitizer, and selecting a "Sure spry" for the mrs. The real fun came when I tried to recommend a lotion to go with her new "sure spry".

"This is a great choice for someone who has sensitive skin. It has aloe in it, so it will feel cool against your skin." I demonstrated by placing a small amount of lotion on the back fat of her hand and rubbing it in. When I removed my hand from her, she extended her paw towards her husband and he dutifully licked it.

"Naw, this one don't taste no good," he determined.

"With all due respect sir, it isn't suppose to," I reminded them. He just chortled.

"Well, if I'm going to be tasting it, it better taste good!"

"I don't understa- oh. Okay. Wow. Well. Are you guys all set then? Ready to check out?" MOTHERFUCKER LEAVE MY PRESENCE BEFORE I GET MYSELF FIRED.

"Well this help the wife with her cooty bumps?"
"Sir?"
"When she shave her cooty it gets real red and bleeding. What we got to do to stop that?"

How do you even respond to that? How does one respond to the physical embodiment of yahoo answers? Unfortunately for me, this is not the first time I had been asked that particular question, so I actually knew exactly what to recommend (shave with lotion as a lubricant, moisturize with shea butter, and treat with no-bump anti- antiperspirant deodorant, for all you curious kiwis). I told him this, and his face lit up. Clearly he was thinking about all the creepy sex he was going to have with his nearly immobile wife.

Their grand total came to only 26 dollars, too little for me to make my sales plan or even close in on my daily sales goal. Motherfucking retail.

 

[Surtur]

Went to work today, business as usual, everything's fine. Except no, it's not fine. A stench demon has entered my serene world of moderately priced fragrances in the form of a 400+ pound woman and her pregnant looking husband. The woman is being pushed on a device I have never seen before, some wheelchair that has been jerry-rigged to keep the woman's bulbous form horizontal at all times. The smell surrounding her is unbelievable, some kind of rancid mix of fish, sweat, and the distinctive order of blood. I'm scared. They wheel towards me.

"Welcome to [store], what brings you guys in today?"

"Wa she say?" the stench demon croaked.
"She asked us 'howdy doo?", her husband hollered back. I swear on Chris- he really said that. I was officially in an unironic Mark Twain novel.

"Oh. Tell her I need the shower spray. And sanitizer. And ask her 'bout the cooty stuffs."

"You heared the wife. Hook her up with some shower spray." Except they didn't say "shower spray". It was more like "sure spry", and I had no idea what they were talking about.

"I'm sorry, what was that? Sure deodorant? We don't carry that product here. But I can help you find something similar!" No I can't. Disappear from my life so I can forget you.

"The SURE SPRY! THE SURE SPRY! The red bottle right there!" stench beast gestured wildly at an ordinary bottle of body spray. You know, the light fragrance mist you might spray on your arms and cloths to freshen up? Body spray. Just body spray.

"Did you perhaps mean our fine fragrance mist?" I asked.

"Yeah the sure spry. The spry you used stead of a sure." Oh, that explains the smell. Alright.

"Well, we don't recommend that that our products be used instead of a shower...perhaps after a shower would be more appropriate."

"Girl, I look like I can git in a sure?"

"Um. Well, maybe..., we have these really nice loofas with a handle..."

"Well wa bout the sanitizers? You still go thems?" I need to add that I would never recommend a person in her condition use any alcohol- based body products. Her skin was so pocked and thin and pale, I would be afraid the alcohol would instantly burn her.
I won't bore you with the details of me selling them miniature hand sanitizer, and selecting a "Sure spry" for the mrs. The real fun came when I tried to recommend a lotion to go with her new "sure spry".

"This is a great choice for someone who has sensitive skin. It has aloe in it, so it will feel cool against your skin." I demonstrated by placing a small amount of lotion on the back fat of her hand and rubbing it in. When I removed my hand from her, she extended her paw towards her husband and he dutifully licked it.

"Naw, this one don't taste no good," he determined.

"With all due respect sir, it isn't suppose to," I reminded them. He just chortled.

"Well, if I'm going to be tasting it, it better taste good!"

"I don't understa- oh. Okay. Wow. Well. Are you guys all set then? Ready to check out?" MOTHERFUCKER LEAVE MY PRESENCE BEFORE I GET MYSELF FIRED.

"Well this help the wife with her cooty bumps?"
"Sir?"
"When she shave her cooty it gets real red and bleeding. What we got to do to stop that?"

How do you even respond to that? How does one respond to the physical embodiment of yahoo answers? Unfortunately for me, this is not the first time I had been asked that particular question, so I actually knew exactly what to recommend (shave with lotion as a lubricant, moisturize with shea butter, and treat with no-bump anti- antiperspirant deodorant, for all you curious kiwis). I told him this, and his face lit up. Clearly he was thinking about all the creepy sex he was going to have with his nearly immobile wife.

Their grand total came to only 26 dollars, too little for me to make my sales plan or even close in on my daily sales goal. Motherfucking retail.

I am so sorry...