My intention of this document is not to justify what I did. Everything that I did to Pinky was terrible and no one deserves to be put through the psychological hell that I put her through.
During the Relationship
I was a really toxic person who wasn’t self-aware of all of my undealt issues and morals. I thought being nice was equivalent to being a good person and in my own fucked up brain I didn’t begin to realize how awful I truly was until 3 years into the relationship.
What Pinky said about the beginning of our relationship is true, I wasn’t in the right headspace to begin a relationship and asking her to be my girlfriend was sex-fueled. I had a terrible sex/porn addiction that I never acknowledged, until 6 months into the relationship when Pinky pointed it out after I cheated on her.
On that day, I thought the relationship was done, but Pinky cared enough to give me another chance. Although I was going through therapy, I struggled and continued to relapse. Each time I would never communicate about my relapses and would hide and lie about it to Pinky.
Never once in the relationship did I truly empathize with how Pinky was feeling and how much agony she was going through. I stonewalled her whenever she seeked reassurance. I continued to do all of the things despite knowing that it hurt her and didn’t acknowledge that she was trauma bonded to me and couldn’t leave the relationship despite the pain she was enduring.
Although I was never physically forceful with Pinky, I am able to reflect and see my manipulative behavior. I had a sex addiction, which caused me to be unsatisfied with the relationship, no matter what Pinky did for me. When I broke up with Pinky it was always my intention to end things then and there, but Pinky always tried to make things work out since she cared about me a lot and was trauma bonded. I also always felt so guilty leaving the relationship when I hadn’t fully fixed things.
I think I finally started improving near the beginning of quarantine, 3 years into the relationship. I was a whole lot better and we also stopped having sex because I knew how it made Pinky felt used. It was also around the time I started VTubing, I started building a more solid set of better morals especially since I knew people looked up to me.
However, I still neglected Pinky and was a terrible boyfriend. I didn’t give her the attention that she deserved and prioritized on building my community.
After the Relationship
After our relationship, I agreed to help pay for Pinky’s therapy for a few months, but had to stop paying because I couldn’t afford to. Throughout our relationship, I paid for her iPhone when her phone wasn’t working properly, the hardware she uses to stream, and helped her with therapy as well. So I figured that since we weren’t dating anymore I should stop spending money on her.
I really regret what happened to Bones and will never be able to forgive myself. Although my parents were against having him inside, I should’ve fought harder for him. I still have pictures of him and it hurts to just scroll past them. I know Pinky loved him more than I ever could. Out of all the years I lived at this house, I’ve never had my cats disappear. When my mom told me she hadn’t seen Bones (July 2) it didn’t alarm me since it was raining and he had probably hid in the barn. That weekend I went out of town and after my parents told him he was missing, I knew something was wrong. I drove around my neighborhood calling his name and looking for signs of him and posted him on neighborhood apps to see if anyone had found him.
2 weeks later another cat that I’ve had for 4 years had gone missing too. She never left the house and always stayed close. I went out to look for her too and found a big hole underneath my fence and my stepdad came to the conclusion that it must have been a coyote that got them. Despite that I still tried to look for them, up until I accepted that they weren’t going to come home. This was around the time that I told Pinky the truth, despite knowing that this was going to be a consequence.
As for the text message, that relationship was in sophomore year, I was either 14 or 15 at the time and not 18 (I graduated at 17 years old). I ended up dating someone that was only 2 years younger than me. Who was groomed by two 20-year-olds and cheated on me.
If you wanted to hear my side of the story that was everything.
After the break-up, I spent a lot of time overanalyzing myself. I deeply regret how I treated Pinky and how much I’ve hurt her. I know this has been eating away at her, seeing people be kind to me when she knew how awful I was to her. I hope through voicing her story she is able to begin to heal. I’m extremely sorry for what I’ve done to Pinky, but I know that no amount of apology will make up for what I’ve done.
I will be stepping down from VTubing and will be deleting my channels and my discord server. Twitter will stay up for a bit to share this document, but I'll eventually be deactivating it in a few days. I’m grateful for the friendships I’ve made, but I understand if you no longer want to associate with me after all of this. I’m sorry to disappoint you guys.
