Roight, it's my birthday, and in a reverse of what is expected, lemme tell you a pair of tales on Benito as a gift. If you don't know who Benito is, well he's an extremely fat weeb who stole food from the homeless and who possesses a microdick that my buddy Cole had to live next to all these years. He's also someone I've talked about throughout the following posts:
Part I: I Stole Food From the Homeless
Part II: It's Not Coolwhip, it's Lard
Part III: I Must Consume your Newborn Child
Part IV: You Use Soap?
Part V: Reader's Special
Part VI: Editor's Response #1
Part VII: Editor's Response #2
Part VIII: Do you Even Lift?
Part IX: Editor's Response #3
Part X: Da Bubble King: Benito in Action
Part XI: His Parents Have Given up on Him
Now then, I've gone into extreme detail on why Benito is a fatty fat fuck; he routinely eats seven meals a day (not including snacks), they are several pounds in mass, and he loves to eat lard. He has tantrumed over his mother refusing to buy him lard and has actually threatened his mom once when she forgot to buy him Swiss Cake Rolls and told him to wait until later. He is a manbaby that clocks in at 600 pounds, putting him over Yokozuna, whose whole gimmick in the WWE was that he was a fat fuck. So with this in mind, how else can I describe to you poor fucks how fat he is? Oh, I know, let me tell you about the time he ruined Thanksgiving.
Now Thanksgiving is a time of blessings and a time of stuffing yourself silly. Thanksgiving in the US is one week's worth of sitting on your ass, and one massive dinner composed of enough food to feed an starving African village. North Korea uses this magical time of year to decry our decadence as the glorious leaders of said shithole hog all the food and grow fat. So really Benito is in heaven when this magical holiday begins. So, you guys ask, how did he fuck did he mangle this day to the point where others suffered?
He ate a whole fucking turkey by himself. Yes. You heard me right: he consumed a whole fucking turkey that was meant for his entire family within the span of a half hour. Now how did this atrocity happen? Well, firstly the condom didn't hold. Secondly, his parents were busy preparing the other foods for the feast. Thirdly HE WAS HUNGRY. Basically, his parents finished cooking their twenty pound bird first, a process that took hours by the way. Then they prepared and went out to buy last remaining stuff needed for their feast, leaving the bird to cool until dinner was ready, about a half hour or something like that. Either way, Benito, the greedy sack of blubber that he is, decides that he can't wait a half hour, and proceeds to dig in.
A half hour later, his parents return, laden with the last foods needed for this feast of all feasts, and come to their fatass son who just ate a 20 pound bird by himself. Their reaction was about three parts rage and one part horror. They told off Benito for doing this shit, and refused to let him eat the ham they had ready as well (Southern Food is like Italian Food, you get a shit ton of it). He grumbled throughout the whole rest of the dinner because no ham and could only have veggies, mash, and stuffing. In an unrelated note, Benito got angry later on when Cole's family had a turkey that was 25 pounds. Yes, he was jealous that Cole's whole family had 5 pounds more turkey flesh to consume.
And our second story today is actually two sets, since they both highlight that his weight is beyond unhealthy. So Benito, eating a lot of food like he does, has digestive issues. Not much of a shocker, considering that he eats basically no fiber, and a shitton of fats. Thank all fuck I don't know what his shit comes out like (I predict yellow due to malabsorption), but I know it comes out like a hippo that can projectile mountains of it. How do I know this? Because he's destroyed multiple toilets over the years by shitting.
I'm not joking, he shits so fucking much and that shit is so bad and sticky that he has destroyed toilets due to gumming them up. Not due to breaking them with his mass; his poo gums up the pipes and it cannot be saved. It got so bad that they had to get a toilet with a specialized system that gives it a powerful flush. Otherwise, they'd be on their 12th toilet as opposed to 4th due to his shit diet. Speaking of destroy, here's one last little morsel for you guys to enjoy...
Benito's bed is reinforced with iron. He needed the metal because he shattered his original bed with his fatness. The wood support beams and bracing just instantly failed and he was stuck sleeping on the mattress on the floor until they got a custom made bed designed to support his mass. Not only that, but he demanded that the bed get lowered more. Why do you ask? Because he was getting annoyed and tired that he had to actually get up on his bed. He wants to just be able to collapse into it without swinging his legs up and over to lay down. He has gotten that lazy, and I will not be shocked if he becomes bedridden in the next couple of years.
Well, at least he washes his hands...
