Alcoholism Support Thread - Down the hatch

[Cougar Pump]

I mean, that's not going to happen. I'm in the UK, if I'm out even on a Sunday night I don't bat an eyelid.

But something has to change. I can't go on like this.

Not to speculate too much on your state of mind but do you think the issue is an addiction to drinking, or are you using drinking to escape the suffocation of your current life situation? Because young kid, work that takes you away a lot, I've been in a similar situation and felt trapped to the point I actively self-destructed in various ways, including drinking to excess.

I only ask because if it's the former, then direct addiction treatment makes sense. If it's the latter, understanding the triggers/causes can help enormously with not falling into the drinking habits when those feelings crop up.

You had a few people (your wife, people at the pub) asking you directly what the issue is and being unable to answer suggests you might not yet know or haven't realized that it might not be the drinking.

 

[Clem Fandango]

Not to speculate too much on your state of mind but do you think the issue is an addiction to drinking, or are you using drinking to escape the suffocation of your current life situation? Because young kid, work that takes you away a lot, I've been in a similar situation and felt trapped to the point I actively self-destructed in various ways, including drinking to excess.

I only ask because if it's the former, then direct addiction treatment makes sense. If it's the latter, understanding the triggers/causes can help enormously with not falling into the drinking habits when those feelings crop up.

You had a few people (your wife, people at the pub) asking you directly what the issue is and being unable to answer suggests you might not yet know or haven't realized that it might not be the drinking.

Thanks for the message, this is really useful to think about. I would say the stress at home has exacerbated it, but it can't just be that - I've been a heavy drinker since before my son was even born. But over the last few years it has definitely slid from being "fun" to some sort of grim obligation - drinking to get drunk, every single time.

I finally told my wife today. She didn't really want to speak to me, but I finally managed to get a minute alone with her. It wasn't as cathartic as I thought it would be. But overall it felt good. I think she could see that I am being sincere. If she doesn't trust me yet regarding getting better then that's fair, completely understandable. But at least I confessed that I'm not in control and that I do need help. By the end I think she felt sorry for me, but could see that I wasn't doing this to wriggle out of the doghouse or to get sympathy. It probably confirms a lot of things she suspected or already knew, but hearing them from me might give her some hope that I can change.

Fuck, I never felt so pathetic as when she asked me where I went last night, and I had to say "the pub". Urgh. What am I doing? Why am I ruining my life?

Start a spreadsheet for the shit and just write sober or not sober, and also better to also measure how much you drink when you're not sober. The importance of writing sober/not sober is purely rooted in the fact that even if you have half a beer, it still counts as a non-sober day

Thanks for this as well. But I think I need a period of complete sobriety, at least for a while. I don't trust myself with half a beer. It's never half a beer. I can tell you without a spreadsheet that sober days have only been one or two per week for the whole year. Just constant drinking, there's always an excuse. Meeting friends, watching sport, celebrating this, commiseratinng that. Drink drink drink. I don't want to do this any more. I wake up every day feeling like shit. I'm so tired.

 

[neger psykolog]

Thanks for this as well. But I think I need a period of complete sobriety, at least for a while. I don't trust myself with half a beer. It's never half a beer. I can tell you without a spreadsheet that sober days have only been one or two per week for the whole year. Just constant drinking, there's always an excuse. Meeting friends, watching sport, celebrating this, commiseratinng that. Drink drink drink. I don't want to do this any more. I wake up every day feeling like shit. I'm so tired.

Yes it sounds like going completely sober would be ideal.

But its also all the more reason to start a spreadsheet/calendar where you can mark down you're sober each day. If you're successful then it will feel good to have a long column of the word "sober". Depending on how your life is if you're not drinking you'll need to find some other things to do instead of it so its useful to keep a journal like that.

 

[Clem Fandango]

Yes it sounds like going completely sober would be ideal.

But its also all the more reason to start a spreadsheet/calendar where you can mark down you're sober each day. If you're successful then it will feel good to have a long column of the word "sober". Depending on how your life is if you're not drinking you'll need to find some other things to do instead of it so its useful to keep a journal like that.

Actually yes, that's a great idea. I'll start keeping a record, just to put "sober" every day as a reminder.

 

[Hey Johnny Bravo]

Keep it simple and take it one day at a time. Glad to hear you're taking positive steps.

 

[Jerk Sausage]

It wasn't as cathartic as I thought it would be. But overall it felt good.

A big pattern in my life was:

• Drunkenly or selfishly hurt someone.
• Realize the next day what an asshole I was.
• Desperately want that person to forgive me or tell me everything is okay.
• Forget about it and pretend nothing happened.
• Repeat.

I was lucky in having a lot of forgiving family members or relationships who were capable of telling me what I wanted to hear. Don't worry about it, water under the bridge, you were drunk and didn't mean it, these things happen, don't do it again, etc. Eventually people got tired of that pattern, and disappeared or didn't tell me the things I wanted to hear.

I think she could see that I am being sincere.

This is not your concern. Whether she does or doesn't is not the important factor. I felt the same way. I needed my wife, or my family, or my friends to tell me that all is forgiven and they know I'm for real this time. Then I'd get comfortable once I had their trust back. Then I'd say, ah, things are so good and comfortable now. Then I would repeat the same things.

Consistency is key. People are forgiving, but people get tired of forgiving. You'll never know when you've crossed the last line with someone until after you've crossed it.

 

[Hey Johnny Bravo]

Remember that apologizing and making amends is about cleaning up your shit, not getting sympathy. Do not make promises about changing if you're not going to change. You cannot get sober for your wife, your kids, your friends, your career, or anyone else. You have to do it for yourself.

 

[dick brain]

Yes it sounds like going completely sober would be ideal.

But its also all the more reason to start a spreadsheet/calendar where you can mark down you're sober each day. If you're successful then it will feel good to have a long column of the word "sober". Depending on how your life is if you're not drinking you'll need to find some other things to do instead of it so its useful to keep a journal like that.

This can be a double edged sword. On one hand, having a streak going is a good motivator and more importantly a good barometer of where your body and mind are at in terms of withdrawal and recovery and what symptoms you can expect and what thought patterns to be on the lookout for. On the other hand, if/when you fuck up, it makes it very easy to keep fucking up and turn a lapse into a relapse since you don't have a streak to throw away anymore. It can also incentivize you to lie to yourself or others, telling yourself "that didn't count" or "that didn't happen", which is a slippery slope. And the shame can keep you from seeking help as well. That's not to say it's not a good idea, but be aware of the danger in it, and be mindful of how it affects your behavior.

Remember that apologizing and making amends is about cleaning up your shit, not getting sympathy. Do not make promises about changing if you're not going to change. You cannot get sober for your wife, your kids, your friends, your career, or anyone else. You have to do it for yourself.

I'd dispute this as well. I think you have to reach a point where you're doing it for yourself, partly because doing it for someone else can lead to resentment and partly because you're the only person who can truly hold yourself accountable, but I've seen at least a couple people reach that point by first doing it for someone else. And if that's enough to get somebody started on the right path without having to really hit bottom, I'd call it a positive. There's always the chance that it'll backfire and the sense of deprivation will poison your view of the person you're doing it for, but somebody susceptible to that mindset is probably going to fuck up that relationship either way. At the end of the day recovery is largely about developing a sense of awareness of your thoughts and feelings and behaviors, and I think once you're in the habit of that it's not difficult to get from a place of "I'm doing this for my wife" to "I'm doing this for myself", especially once you start feeling the benefits of sobriety. Whatever gets you through the door.

 

[Jerk Sausage]

I've never kept a sobriety spreadsheet, but private spreadsheets tracking my fitness and finances are highly motivating. If I were being private about my sobriety, I see the value.

That shame you see as a potential drawback of counting days actually stopped me from drinking once. Early in sobriety, I was alone in a room by myself with a fridge full of beer in a completely different country. Nobody would've known, but I pictured the guys who knew me, and imagined having to tell them that I slipped. I didn't want to lie anymore, so I stopped myself from drinking so that I didn't have to lie. Wasn't doing it for myself quite yet at that point, but trusting others who trusted me to be honest did.

And yes, starting sobriety for another person is fine. Inevitably a day will come where you are upset with them or far enough away from them, so you say "fuck it" and don't care about yourself enough to stay sober for yourself. Taking responsibility for yourself doesn't have to happen day 1, but it does have to happen. If I'm doing it for my family and my family all leaves or perishes, do I still have a reason to not drink?