Hip waders? Check. Dramamine? Check. Barf bucket, just in case? Check. What am I forgetting here? Oh, right: a healthy dose of Advil, so I don't hurt myself rolling my eyeballs out of my head. Let's go into the belly of the beast, as it were.
new roommate!! & I eat weird | what I ate today | episode 8 - July 7, 2022
Nice - right off the bat with some nausea-inducing waddling, camera angle pointed at her artificial tits. The new roommate is a talking scale that will say "700.0 pounds." to her. When she gasps in shock - because who could have EVER predicted someone who eats all shitty food, all the time, all day, would eventually get to the point where the largest consumer scale would not be able to weigh them - the scale will say, "Goodbye." and we will all laugh once ore at its impeccable, dismissive timing.
JFC, wash your FUCKING HAIR YOU PIG.
Of course she has to read us the fucking box for the scale, which we just saw and could read for ourselves. But that wouldn't add precious seconds to the video now, would it? Says she "tried to slie her out. But it's tight." Then does that stupid fucking pause, wide eyed blink. Yeah, we fucking get it, you and the "gf" have sex eleventy billion times a goddamned day. Newsflash, you 500 pound behemoth: nobody believes your bullshit.
Says "Wow" four times. Just get the fuck on with it, Fatty. Goddamn, she is so wide, she needs to have a DOT sign hanging on her shelf ass that says WIDE LOAD. She's huffing and puffing just putting the scale on the floor and picking it up again to check to see if it has batteries. More waddling with the shitty angle. Now the hunt is on for batteries. Just grab 'em out of the nearest se toy, SexyTimesLynn.
They've allowed the animals to destroy the blinds on the rear door, which they just leave, because now the pets (and specifically Twonk) have a little window to look out. Why the fuck didn't you just pull the blinds up to the dog's head level, you lazy, wasteful cunt?
She says "Wow. My face is so red."
The "gf" says, "It's because you were just kissing me."
Yeah, it couldn't possibly be because Hamber is a 500+ pound fucking landwhale who has now been waddling around for ten minutes just to get batteries to put in the fucking scale.
She's going to take her clothes off, weigh herself on the current scale and then on the new. This should be uttering astounding. Oh my fucking god. "Currently taking off my shirt moment." We DO NOT NEED a fucking play by play. I think she's lying. The "shirt", i.e. dress she's wearing as a shirt came off in like two seconds. She just said she's taking off her pants in a similar amount of time. We don't believe this bullshit, either, Fat Ham. There is no way those fucking leggings came off in under five seconds. Whatever. LiarLynn is a *Lynn for a reason.
Old scale: 494.6. So she says.Also crows about being "down weight from yesterday." So predictable. Any loss is all Hamber's doing. Any gain is sodiumz or fluctuations.
Jump cut here for some reason.
New scale: 489.8.
LOL. Wonder which one she's going to go with.
Old scale, again: 495.0
New scale, again: 490.4
Hahaha. You know what all this boils down to? YOU ARE A FAT FUCK. Still 500 pounds. "Do I weigh less than I think I do?"
Since you think you're a svelte, dainty 120 pound princess and social media influencer, the answer is no.
Third try on the new scale: 491.4 pounds. Better stop while you're ahead, lardass. FFS. One more time. Sigh.
Try number four on the new scale: 490.8.
Stop, already. 500 pounds.
Back to the fucking ice cube trays. She briefs us on What Came Before, in the even we forgot about it from two days ago. Amazingly, putting water in a mold and freezing it results in ice the shape of the mold. It's a discovery by PhysicistLynn, and her research paper on this will be in the next Journal of Physics, complete with data tables and discussion. It's a revelation, which must be why she spouts a stupid fucking little prayer to dear heavenly father while cracking open another of the molds. Why the fuck any god would give a single shit about ice from the freezer is anyone's fucking guess. How to Break Ice out of
Molds, with Hamberlynn Reid. She shoves one in her fucking piehole and declares, "She's cold.". While PhysicistLynn can tell you all about freezing rates relative to surface area, she does not yet have a firm grasp on how ice is cold. It's a work in progress. Oh! id you guise know when you need a piece of ice, you can use "these things" - AKA tongs -to pick up a piece of ice and place it in the edsire3d container. Quality fucking content. Too bad she isn't wearing her Fitbit to count that heartrate, the way she's breathing.
More fucking Dr Pepper from McDonald's. Two, this time, via UE, of course. And then they follow that up with orders of sushi, and I am really getting fucking tired of the word "molment" for everything. Claims to not really use wasabi any more, and does she explain WTF not? Nope. It's probably just another stupid fucking reason to add to the Hamber Collection. Crab salad sushi. Gross. Tempura fake crab and tofu sushi. Gross again. This is not sushi. LOLOL. Asks the "gf" if she wants to try the second monstrosity, and the "gf" says no. Fat Ham whines. "But I really want you to try it." I have an idea: she agrees to take a biteof that shitty crap. Then, YOU have to try Limburger or Roquefort cheese on your stupid "date night" that you spend at home, eating cheese and meat off a wooden block, instead of actually leaving the fucking apartment for a change and eating at a local restaurant. And you HAVE to eat it. The "gf" still declines. Fat Ham whines some more,. but the "gf" holds her ground, and I can't fucking blame her on that one.
Fat Ham must be trying out some material for her turn at the open mic on comedy night somewhere, because she just claimed she "loves" to share food. Ah, yeah, LiarLynn, that is not true in any version of the amberverse. Remember someone trying to snag an orange chicken nugget off your plate at TCF? Or Eric taking a second and then third bite of that pesto monstrosity? You do not share food.
She shoves half the thing down her throat and it's so quiet there that you can hear her chew it all of three times before swallowing. Ugh, now she insists that the "gf" has to try this shit and would you just leave her the fuck along about it, goddamn. Here's a new vocabulary word for you to fucking learn: hectoring. Bitch.
FFS. More of this fucking furry outfit and the goddamned pouch. Make it fast. The "gf" "wears it all th time" because apparently the a/c has to be set on arctic to keep WhaleLynn cool, which means people who are not 500 fucking pounds get to freeze to death.
Fucking stupid baby talk at Twonk in stupid accents. Leave the fucking dog alone.
Horrid time. She yanks a shirt out of the bag, and declares it is a size 6. It's a tank top according to her and now I'm afraid the vision of her wearing it will burn itself into my retinas, and I'll be stuck in a never-ending nightmare of seeing that flash before me every time a blink. I'm going to have to rig one of those pinhole cameras like we use to watch a solar eclipse in order to safely watch this part. Deep breath. OK. Go, Hamber.
She just thinks it's "really cute" and she could "wear it with a cardigan". Of course. It might be easier at this point to point out the shit you WON'T be wearing with a cardigan. JFC. She's spinning in circles to leave the room and go get a sweater to try on the damn thing. Great, thanks to editing, we get to see it multiple times. Get those extra second in! The better to shove fucking ads in. (Note: I have no idea how many ads are in the thing.)
Hamber waddle-marches back into the room, trying to be quirky and cute and manages only to look like a sentient vat of white trash jello, ripped leggings and all. Professional YouTuber and "lifestyle influencer" wannabe, everyone: nasty, greasy, unwashed, undone hair, ripped pants, no makeup, and very likely no shower. Great job, Fat Ham. Twonk puts a stop to that nonsense with a well-timed bark telling her to knock it the fuck off.
Continues the tired, stupid trope of throwing the clothes and then cutting to her having them on. So, so, so late, as usual, Fatty, to all the trends. Must be sad, never being the first one to do any fucking thing, ever. Cuts to her wearing the shirt with a sweater over it, declares she loves it, all the while plucking t the shirt as it clings to all her fat. LOL. Jesus, she is just fucking huge. Her laygs are eNORmous. Has everyone looked at her thighs - really looked at them?
That dot of white there is not a space. That's her skin showing through the rip in the leggings. WTF are those made of, and how the hell do they stretch that much to cover those thighs - that are larger now than hey ever have been? Everything is heading south, lardass. It's like a landslide or avalanche. They start slowly, gradually picking up steam. Doesn't end well, Won't end well for you, either.
The fuck is this? There's a fucking motivational card floating in the next scene: "you are enough". Yeah, you're WAY more than enough, Fatty, for five goddamned people. WTF you're bothering counting calories when all you eat is shit is beyond me. Of course it's more noodles. WTF bother to eat good food as long as you're counting fucking calories. Why bother at least trying to do the right thing. But what the fuck do I know. Certainly not nutrition, at least not like Fat Ham. I thank my lucky stars every fucking day for that, too. Otherwise, I'd be some holler-born asshole living on road kill, ramen, and salt, weighing 800 pounds and relying on other people to haul me around,
Goddamn. She's on her feet, hovering around the door, waiting for UberEats to bring her food - Chik Fil A, which she is excited about. Of course she is. Remember that video from the Density Era? Density is still working, but Hamber is at home. She's waiting, like a fucking toddler, for Density to get back home. Keeps looking out the door, etc.
PUH-THEH-TIC.
So now, she's waiting for the UE driver, puts a finger to her lips facing the camera, mouths that the driver is right outside the door.
PUH-THEH-TIC.
Food for both her and the "gf", apparently, unless Fatty's gonna drink two giant drinks herself. Not that this would be surprising at all, mind you. She eats shit mac & cheese, shit wrap. Later: More fucking noodles. Whole bag of those stupid chips.
Rarity moment that she ruins.
Claims 2300-odd calories for the day, and yeah, not buying it. Not the fucking way your body looks. She's trying to justify to herself eating the shit she eats. Blahblahblah.
TL;DW/R: Hamber eats shit food over and over again. Tries on another thing that is ill-fitting. Gets a new talking scale that goes up to 700 pounds, and that also reports her weight as less than her current scale, so of course she loves it. And that is, quite literally, it. This is the fuckery we're left with in the amberverse. The End.
Is she aiming for a new record?
