- Joined
- Dec 15, 2018
Amber lost 100 pounds and STILL HAS a SHELF ASS
Amberlynn Reid - 600 pound pathological liar and U-Haul lesbian moving in with her next live-in maid/nurse/girlfriend.
- Thread starter PiggyPie
- Start date
- Joined
- Dec 16, 2019
When she was pawing the Hello Fresh recipe cards her hands looked so goddamned dirty. I wanted to send her out of the kitchen to wash before she continued touching anything else.
- Joined
- Nov 15, 2014
- Joined
- Oct 11, 2018
(marches in)
(slams down bottle of cheap-ass sugar rum)
Be back soon, bitches.
(recap in progress)
(slams down bottle of cheap-ass sugar rum)
Be back soon, bitches.
(recap in progress)
- Joined
- Mar 28, 2019
Oh my...
. I love Malibu as a topper on my beloved vodka, but only the original coconut shit. Makes my shelf ass wanna Hula dance! BWAHAHA!
- Joined
- Oct 11, 2018
My bottle, she is ded.
TL;DW/R, AL shoves food in her face. She is still fat. She threatens us with more videos of her eating. No kissy-outro for you, assholes!!
what I ate today with zero rules after losing over 100 lbs - we are go. Because my tumbler is full, and that's the last of the bottle, so soon I will have to hit the package store to replenish my supplies. OH NOES, NOT MORE ALCOHOL SHOPPING. Whatever shall I do. Ahem, anyway, onward!!
0:00 ‘Hey guise!’ Hey, AL. Still looking like fat shit, I see. I shall take a moment to guffaw at what she’s wearing. I mean… what the hot shit is this? A tank-top over a black long-sleeved shirt/dress thing? What? She looks like a dementia patient who slid out of custody and rolled in a Goodwill dumpster. This is already off to a grand start, and we’re barely a second in.
0:05 ‘Today, we’re going to do like a what I eat today molment’ AND FUCK YOU, IT’S NOT A MOMENT. This vapid bitch.
This looks fucking hilarious, though. She looks like a pudgy remora who’s going to gum me to death. Her layered chins ooze so smoothly into her neck rolls, and that… is that a bruise on her chest, right at the base of her neck? Haah? Couple that shit with her bad eyebrows and her thick makeup with terrible glitter eye shadow shit, and she makes ‘hot mess meets Grandma Gumless’ look like a thang.
0:13 Still going on about her 100 lbs down in 14 months. She doesn’t count calories, she just doesn’t binge and just eats (insert finger quotes here) “normal people portions”. HAAH. Like she knows that the hell that is. She is surrounded by exactly zero normal people. Everyone in her orbit is a blubberpus. She may be losing weight right now because she is a Planet to her smaller Moons, but that will grind to an end /long/ before reaching any category resembling Obese rather than Morbidly Obese because she’s incapable of actual moderation. But yeah, not binging is the main focus here.
0:35 She holds up the most dull looking burrito ever. My tastebuds cry. Behold this shit.
It’s a homemade breakfast burrito. She does give a bit of a closer look at this mess. We have a flour tortilla (and it’s a biggun, none’ve those measly 8” shits for her!). Given the size of her beetus paws, this fucker’s pretty massive. Also, everything in it looks like it was extracted from a package. She gives zero quantities while describing it - just says ‘We have some ayyyg, we have some cheez,’ etc. Eggs, cheese, a hash brown (FUCK YOU A HASH BROWN IS NOT A MOMENT YOU ILLITERATE FUCKWAFFLE!!!)
Pardon me. I had to take a good drink at that shit. 0:53 seconds in. Woe.
0:53 Continuing. She’s waxing on and on about how she’s a fucking genius for thinking of incorporating hash browns (especially what looks to be prefabricated hash brown patties rather than fresh hash browns made by grating a potato and frying it in a pan) into a breakfast burrito. Like that’s not a standard part of every commercially available breakfast burrito on the planet.
1:00 ‘And we have a veggie… burger… patty… situation type deal’
(slams another long gulp)
Oh, and she rams it so close to the viewfinder that it loses focus for a goodly amount of time. Now that it’s up close, it looks like absolute garbage. Definitely a premade hash brown patty in there from a package, little chunks of gross veggie burger (where I’m assuming the red and yellow pepper-like substance came from), LOTS of ayyyyg and plenty of cheese. Casual estimate? Assuming that’s a 10” flour Mission tortilla…. And given what else I see there…
Tortilla: 200
Eggs (assuming 4): 280
Cheese (assuming 1/2 cup): 220
Fake Patty (assuming one): 120
Hash brown patty: 120
Just raw calories for the whole thing: 940
Sodium: out of this fucking world
Flavor: There’s no sauce so -3
She proclaims it’s scrumptious-dilliumptious, because she’s a quirky gorl with her made up words type molment and damn that rum looks tasty right now.
1:15 Ah, so she drowns it in Tapatio. ‘Because I’m a Tapatio gorl’ and NO, I am not attaching sarcasm to gorl - that’s outright what she says. Fuck you for trying to appropriate our mockery of your abject stupidity and lack of capacity for speaking the English language in a fashion spoken by human beings for yourself.
Tapa does drive up the flavor to acceptable levels, but really, it should’ve been incorporated into the damned thing. Especially with it being homemade, apparently.
1:30 ‘This slaps.’ Stop trying to be with the times, heifer. Your time was last decade. The only thing is slaps is your weakened, wobbly heart as it chugs along piteously in your fat chest. She threatens us with showing us all the brands so we can recreate her meals. She says that attempting to recreate it will fail because she didn’t make it or some shit. And yes, she keeps scarfing it down and blathering through the food in her mouth before gulping it down like a hungry frog gulping down flies.
2:19 Brands:
Kroger Mexican style blend shredded cheese
Dr. Praeger’s Black Bean Quinoa veggie burger
And fuck, I was off there. I assumed it to be 120 calories per patty based off checking sensible shit online. It’s actually 150 calories per patty. And yes, it’s where the yellow and red peppers in her burrito came from. (Total calories are now 970).
‘Obviously ayygs’
Dr. Praeger’s Southwest Hashbrowns
FUCK, off again. These shittin’ things are 170 per serving. Calorie total for her burrito now stands at 1020. FOR ONE STUPID FUCKING BURRITO.
OOPS, SHE USED TWO BECAUSE THREE IS A SERVING. So that’s a mildly better 113 calories. So now we’re at total calorie count of 963. And the reason they’re worth 170 for three, whereas a normal hash brown is 120 each…? Because these things are fucking TINY.
Xtreme Wellness large wraps OFF AGAIN. But that’s not bad. These are made with flax seed and shit, so they’re low carb and therefore low calorie. So instead of a 200 calorie wrap, we have an 80 calorie wrap.
Total calories for this flavorless shitheap are standing now at 843.
Still not a very good look. That’s over half of a healthy BMI 5’2” woman’s TDEE assuming standard sedentary activity (which is doing an office job that involves some walking, but doing no intentional exercise. Not bed-bound or lazy fucker going only 1000 steps a day to visit the kitchen, lounge on the couch and take a shit, like people assume).
Just to piss me off, she ends this with stating it’s ‘delish’ because she’s too fucking lazy to say ‘delicious.’ Another shot bites the dust.
3:26 Having serious doubts that my tumbler of rum will make it through 10 minutes of her bullshit. And am out of this rum, so will have to mix if that unfortunate reality of this glass being emptied comes to pass. Anyway, on to AL. She’s standing away from her phone, so her sound quality becomes absolute shit. She’s waggling around her Hello Fresh menu in her hand, because fuck actually making things from scratch, am I right? She proclaims ‘we’ve been doing Hello Fresh for about a week’ like that matters. It just means that you’re too lazy to figure out how to cook from raw ingredients and Jade doesn’t want to hoover down Cheesecake Factory every fucking night like you do.
3:38 Three options they have left - Epic nacho Mac & cheese, Cheesy smothered mushroom chicken with mashed potatoes and carrots, or chicken ramen in a Shoyu-style broth. Of course AL has to be told by off-camera Jade how to pronounce soju. They are indecisive bitches, so they decide they both point to one on the count of three or whatever. AL waggles her hands like an autistic retard.
Oh, by the way, we can now see it’s a tacky tank top over a short-sleeved black shirt/dress/whatever thing.
Just to piss me off, AL still calls it the ‘cheesy smothered mushroom’ instead of fucking cheesy smothered mushroom chicken’. Because chicken freaks her out, as I recall, or some shit. Odd how 2 of these three dishes have meat in them, when she was going off fairly recently about how it creeps her out and wah wah meat is so ugh and bullshit. Anyway, this isn’t even blind pointing, it’s them thinking about what they want and performative-selecting on camera. What hogwash. More drinky-stuff down the hatch.
4:36 So Jade Francis of New York City who moved to Lexington, Kentucky during the pandemic while avoiding work due to requirements she return to the office and is dodging lawsuits but totally not Wifey the original Wifey who also likes all the same movies, has the same skin tone and sports the same tattoos selects ramen. Fatass slaps her inflated sausage on the cheesy smothered mushroom chicken with mashed potatoes and carrots. AL feigns surprise that JFoNYC/MG,W selected ramen, then states that yes, they’re doing ramen (890 calories for each of them), and mournfully shuffles away her cheesy chicken for another meal/tomorrow (or a snack in the near future). AL clarifies that JFofNYC/MG,W gets to decide because she makes them ‘because she’s such a sweetheart’ aka: she has the stamina to stand in the kitchen long enough to assemble Hello Fresh meals.
4:54 Will preface this by saying I will NEVER play a drinking game where you take a sip every time Amber says ‘so’ because I will be fucking dead before I can finish the recap. She proclaims that over the last 2 days, they’ve had one pot turkey and white bean chili verde (which she fucks up the pronunciation of) as well as the vegan sweet chili tofu bowls. AL states that her gorlfren Jade Francis did not like the tofu bowls, and apparently it’s because of the tofu. Never mind that tofu doesn’t have much of a flavor by itself and typically acts as a filler that absorbs the flavor of whatever sauce you drown it in (will state here that the goblin who infests my den of tasty alcohol adores when tofu is added to ramen at this place, because tofu is coated liberally in homemade okonomiyaki sauce then tossed into a spitting-hot pan to flash fry before being added to the bowls). But apparently Jade Francis likes the sauce and such, but didn’t like the tofu. Likely it’s a texture thing, then. Which would explain why she does the cooking and AL isn’t allowed to, given that everything she cooks is dry as a fart or a mushy waste. Back on topic, of course AL loved that shit. Because it’s food. The one-pot was one that Jade Francis really enjoyed, but AL thought it was okay. So she’d eat it. Because it’s food. But it didn’t have crunchy bullshit in it, so she felt deprived eating real chili rather than her heinous slop.
5:36 Let’s abort this ‘what I ate today’ bullshit to update us on the fact that she’s playing Mario Party. Way to interrupt… oh, wait. She’s showing off her ‘snack moment’ (DOWN THE HATCH, FUCKERS, FUCKING RUM MOME… no. No, I can’t do it. So sorry. Just rum. Time for rum. Lots of rum. It is NOT a rum moment. No such thing. More like this is a rum-escapade driven by mediocrity and frustration.) Anyway, what she’s having is milk chocolate flavored covered almonds. There are a whopping 160 calories for 7 OF THESE THINGS. 7. My fucking parrot would demolish 7 if I would let him poison himself with chocolate. He has more than 7 almonds without coating whenever I leave the bag in his reach until I reclaim it and stare dismally into the remains. You know PiggyLynn scarfed multiple servings of this shit.
5:49 Says she’s going to have a normal amount. She shows us a handful, fully closed, with almonds sticking out from behind her sausage fingers.
Running an experiment with plain almonds, I can grasp a solid 4 servings. I’ll count her hamfist as holding 2 servings, because those are chocolate covered, plus she has smaller hands owing to FAT and a significantly lesser height with stubbier digits.
Assuming 2 servings, that’s 340 calories.
Well, we’ve now got enough calories for a healthy adult male, sitting at a solid 2073.
Oh wait, she’s proclaiming there’s only 7 in her hand. But I will say that her hand looks emptier now than it looked a second ago, so she might’ve dropped some back into the bowl for later.
If we trust her, she’s now down to 1903. Which is still in ‘adult male’ range and well outside of ‘adult female’ range unless said adult female is intentionally working out.
6:03 They ate the ramen. It was “SHOOO GUUD” because these are the only words AL really knows to critique food. She includes a picture, because she didn’t film. Congratulations, Jade Francis, you can assemble a ramen bowl following simple instructions. It looks rather limp and sad, though. And edible flowers in ramen should take center stage, not be drowned under slabs of chicken and looking like forgotten refuse in a corner.
6:22 But now, AL’s in a snacking mood. She shows off the same fucking Lays variety pack that the goblin enjoys a packet out of each school day. AL goes on to explain how the 42 packet box contains varieties of chips, and how they’re individually wrapped and shit. AL prattles on about how her imaginary psychologist says to give in to snacks otherwise she’ll binge while she struggles to open the box. Says she was trying to eat in moderation, but every 4 days she’d binge. Because AL’s still LARPing that she has an eating disorder instead of just being a fucking glutton who likes food more than life.
7:19 She rips into that box like a lion tearing apart a fucking water buffalo. She pulls a single bag of Cheetos, but shoves it back and starts to manhandle everything. She professes she’s not a fan of either of the Doritos (Nacho and Cool Ranch flavor are in this particular variety box), because she’s a gorl with no taste. She then yanks out cheese and sour cream Ruffles and tosses them to JFoNYC/MG,W. She chooses the same Ruffles for herself as well, because she has to emulate Jade in all things. Assuming she has /only/ this packet, that’s another 160 calories.
So we’re at 2063 for the day.
8:50 Oh but fuck, that’s not all! She’s also pulling down Kinder Bueno Minis. Of course this mentally deficient slug can’t pronounce bueno correctly. These are 150 calories for 5 tiny as fuck little chocolates, so 30 per individually wrapped chocolate. She doesn’t tell us how many she’s having. Professes they taste like Nutella, and ‘love that.’ Because she’s so fucking original.
I’m assuming 5 went into her face, because I’m a generous and optimistic fucker.
2213 calories for the day.
9:15 Now we’re in the fridge. Which is stuffed to the gills with processed shit.
She’s going to have her ‘last thing for the day’ (so she can reset the clock after midnight, I assume), and she’s going for one of those fucking pre-assembled snack pack bullshit trays with crackers and meat and cheese. These are 300 calories each.
Only a paltry 2513 calories!! Or approximately what an amateur cyclist burns on a relatively flat Imperial Century accomplished in about 6 hours, or approximately what that same amateur cyclist burns on a very mountainous Metric Century accomplished in 4.5 hours. Just to put her caloric consumption into perspective.
9:38 AL does in fact mention that her fridge is a fucking disaster area, then discovers that they forgot a fruit tray buried in its depths. She is OBSESSED (of COURSE she is - there goes the rum) with the pineapple. And then…
9:53 ‘Babee, what’s your favorite, watermelon?’ And without a pause for answer, ‘her’s is watermelon.’ I am dying of laughter. Holy shit. So many racial stereotypes are flowing right now. SO many. But’cha know, maybe her favorite /is/ watermelon, and I’m just a complete asshole for immediately laughing at that coincidence.
9:55 AL has to tell us everything that’s in there, like cantelope and apparently iffy strawberries (that’s what happens when you leave strawberries around for nine years to rot, you dumbass). Pineapple, grape, watermelon. Congratulations, AL, you have the food recognition skills of a 2 year old! If I were in your region, I’d give you a pat on the head and a fucking lollipop to congratulate you (because you’d turn your nose up at a strawberry, apparently).
10:09 She’s prattling on about how she loves that, even though she forgot about it… and I’m just balking at the fact that she has caffeine free Diet Coke. The heathen of the Coca Cola family. The desecration of the holy splendor of Diet Coke. Fuck you, AL. Fuck you.
10:15 Oh great, now where on white slides. She professes that today was a weird day of eating (over a slide that says ‘WEIRD DAY OF EATING’). She says sometimes she has more meals, and sometimes she feels more snacky (over a slide saying ‘SNACKY’) and so she went with it so she wouldn’t binge (slide says ‘EVERY DAY YOU IS DIFFERENT’ and my brain is not steeped in enough alcohol to prevent me from shrieking at this grammatical abortion). So every day is different, and she wants to do more of these videos (slide says ‘MORE TO COME’ and I’m thinking ‘don’t threaten me, AL, I’m too low on rum for your shenanigans, bitch’) but she doesn’t want to bombard us with them (slide changes to ‘THANKS FOR WATCHING!’). But there will be more, and she hopes we enjoyed it (I did not), and ends it with ‘Bye’ rather than her fake kissy bullshit.
0:00 ‘Hey guise!’ Hey, AL. Still looking like fat shit, I see. I shall take a moment to guffaw at what she’s wearing. I mean… what the hot shit is this? A tank-top over a black long-sleeved shirt/dress thing? What? She looks like a dementia patient who slid out of custody and rolled in a Goodwill dumpster. This is already off to a grand start, and we’re barely a second in.
0:05 ‘Today, we’re going to do like a what I eat today molment’ AND FUCK YOU, IT’S NOT A MOMENT. This vapid bitch.
This looks fucking hilarious, though. She looks like a pudgy remora who’s going to gum me to death. Her layered chins ooze so smoothly into her neck rolls, and that… is that a bruise on her chest, right at the base of her neck? Haah? Couple that shit with her bad eyebrows and her thick makeup with terrible glitter eye shadow shit, and she makes ‘hot mess meets Grandma Gumless’ look like a thang.
0:13 Still going on about her 100 lbs down in 14 months. She doesn’t count calories, she just doesn’t binge and just eats (insert finger quotes here) “normal people portions”. HAAH. Like she knows that the hell that is. She is surrounded by exactly zero normal people. Everyone in her orbit is a blubberpus. She may be losing weight right now because she is a Planet to her smaller Moons, but that will grind to an end /long/ before reaching any category resembling Obese rather than Morbidly Obese because she’s incapable of actual moderation. But yeah, not binging is the main focus here.
0:35 She holds up the most dull looking burrito ever. My tastebuds cry. Behold this shit.
It’s a homemade breakfast burrito. She does give a bit of a closer look at this mess. We have a flour tortilla (and it’s a biggun, none’ve those measly 8” shits for her!). Given the size of her beetus paws, this fucker’s pretty massive. Also, everything in it looks like it was extracted from a package. She gives zero quantities while describing it - just says ‘We have some ayyyg, we have some cheez,’ etc. Eggs, cheese, a hash brown (FUCK YOU A HASH BROWN IS NOT A MOMENT YOU ILLITERATE FUCKWAFFLE!!!)
Pardon me. I had to take a good drink at that shit. 0:53 seconds in. Woe.
0:53 Continuing. She’s waxing on and on about how she’s a fucking genius for thinking of incorporating hash browns (especially what looks to be prefabricated hash brown patties rather than fresh hash browns made by grating a potato and frying it in a pan) into a breakfast burrito. Like that’s not a standard part of every commercially available breakfast burrito on the planet.
1:00 ‘And we have a veggie… burger… patty… situation type deal’
(slams another long gulp)
Oh, and she rams it so close to the viewfinder that it loses focus for a goodly amount of time. Now that it’s up close, it looks like absolute garbage. Definitely a premade hash brown patty in there from a package, little chunks of gross veggie burger (where I’m assuming the red and yellow pepper-like substance came from), LOTS of ayyyyg and plenty of cheese. Casual estimate? Assuming that’s a 10” flour Mission tortilla…. And given what else I see there…
Tortilla: 200
Eggs (assuming 4): 280
Cheese (assuming 1/2 cup): 220
Fake Patty (assuming one): 120
Hash brown patty: 120
Just raw calories for the whole thing: 940
Sodium: out of this fucking world
Flavor: There’s no sauce so -3
She proclaims it’s scrumptious-dilliumptious, because she’s a quirky gorl with her made up words type molment and damn that rum looks tasty right now.
1:15 Ah, so she drowns it in Tapatio. ‘Because I’m a Tapatio gorl’ and NO, I am not attaching sarcasm to gorl - that’s outright what she says. Fuck you for trying to appropriate our mockery of your abject stupidity and lack of capacity for speaking the English language in a fashion spoken by human beings for yourself.
Tapa does drive up the flavor to acceptable levels, but really, it should’ve been incorporated into the damned thing. Especially with it being homemade, apparently.
1:30 ‘This slaps.’ Stop trying to be with the times, heifer. Your time was last decade. The only thing is slaps is your weakened, wobbly heart as it chugs along piteously in your fat chest. She threatens us with showing us all the brands so we can recreate her meals. She says that attempting to recreate it will fail because she didn’t make it or some shit. And yes, she keeps scarfing it down and blathering through the food in her mouth before gulping it down like a hungry frog gulping down flies.
2:19 Brands:
Kroger Mexican style blend shredded cheese
Dr. Praeger’s Black Bean Quinoa veggie burger
And fuck, I was off there. I assumed it to be 120 calories per patty based off checking sensible shit online. It’s actually 150 calories per patty. And yes, it’s where the yellow and red peppers in her burrito came from. (Total calories are now 970).
‘Obviously ayygs’
Dr. Praeger’s Southwest Hashbrowns
FUCK, off again. These shittin’ things are 170 per serving. Calorie total for her burrito now stands at 1020. FOR ONE STUPID FUCKING BURRITO.
OOPS, SHE USED TWO BECAUSE THREE IS A SERVING. So that’s a mildly better 113 calories. So now we’re at total calorie count of 963. And the reason they’re worth 170 for three, whereas a normal hash brown is 120 each…? Because these things are fucking TINY.
Xtreme Wellness large wraps OFF AGAIN. But that’s not bad. These are made with flax seed and shit, so they’re low carb and therefore low calorie. So instead of a 200 calorie wrap, we have an 80 calorie wrap.
Total calories for this flavorless shitheap are standing now at 843.
Still not a very good look. That’s over half of a healthy BMI 5’2” woman’s TDEE assuming standard sedentary activity (which is doing an office job that involves some walking, but doing no intentional exercise. Not bed-bound or lazy fucker going only 1000 steps a day to visit the kitchen, lounge on the couch and take a shit, like people assume).
Just to piss me off, she ends this with stating it’s ‘delish’ because she’s too fucking lazy to say ‘delicious.’ Another shot bites the dust.
3:26 Having serious doubts that my tumbler of rum will make it through 10 minutes of her bullshit. And am out of this rum, so will have to mix if that unfortunate reality of this glass being emptied comes to pass. Anyway, on to AL. She’s standing away from her phone, so her sound quality becomes absolute shit. She’s waggling around her Hello Fresh menu in her hand, because fuck actually making things from scratch, am I right? She proclaims ‘we’ve been doing Hello Fresh for about a week’ like that matters. It just means that you’re too lazy to figure out how to cook from raw ingredients and Jade doesn’t want to hoover down Cheesecake Factory every fucking night like you do.
3:38 Three options they have left - Epic nacho Mac & cheese, Cheesy smothered mushroom chicken with mashed potatoes and carrots, or chicken ramen in a Shoyu-style broth. Of course AL has to be told by off-camera Jade how to pronounce soju. They are indecisive bitches, so they decide they both point to one on the count of three or whatever. AL waggles her hands like an autistic retard.
Oh, by the way, we can now see it’s a tacky tank top over a short-sleeved black shirt/dress/whatever thing.
Just to piss me off, AL still calls it the ‘cheesy smothered mushroom’ instead of fucking cheesy smothered mushroom chicken’. Because chicken freaks her out, as I recall, or some shit. Odd how 2 of these three dishes have meat in them, when she was going off fairly recently about how it creeps her out and wah wah meat is so ugh and bullshit. Anyway, this isn’t even blind pointing, it’s them thinking about what they want and performative-selecting on camera. What hogwash. More drinky-stuff down the hatch.
4:36 So Jade Francis of New York City who moved to Lexington, Kentucky during the pandemic while avoiding work due to requirements she return to the office and is dodging lawsuits but totally not Wifey the original Wifey who also likes all the same movies, has the same skin tone and sports the same tattoos selects ramen. Fatass slaps her inflated sausage on the cheesy smothered mushroom chicken with mashed potatoes and carrots. AL feigns surprise that JFoNYC/MG,W selected ramen, then states that yes, they’re doing ramen (890 calories for each of them), and mournfully shuffles away her cheesy chicken for another meal/tomorrow (or a snack in the near future). AL clarifies that JFofNYC/MG,W gets to decide because she makes them ‘because she’s such a sweetheart’ aka: she has the stamina to stand in the kitchen long enough to assemble Hello Fresh meals.
4:54 Will preface this by saying I will NEVER play a drinking game where you take a sip every time Amber says ‘so’ because I will be fucking dead before I can finish the recap. She proclaims that over the last 2 days, they’ve had one pot turkey and white bean chili verde (which she fucks up the pronunciation of) as well as the vegan sweet chili tofu bowls. AL states that her gorlfren Jade Francis did not like the tofu bowls, and apparently it’s because of the tofu. Never mind that tofu doesn’t have much of a flavor by itself and typically acts as a filler that absorbs the flavor of whatever sauce you drown it in (will state here that the goblin who infests my den of tasty alcohol adores when tofu is added to ramen at this place, because tofu is coated liberally in homemade okonomiyaki sauce then tossed into a spitting-hot pan to flash fry before being added to the bowls). But apparently Jade Francis likes the sauce and such, but didn’t like the tofu. Likely it’s a texture thing, then. Which would explain why she does the cooking and AL isn’t allowed to, given that everything she cooks is dry as a fart or a mushy waste. Back on topic, of course AL loved that shit. Because it’s food. The one-pot was one that Jade Francis really enjoyed, but AL thought it was okay. So she’d eat it. Because it’s food. But it didn’t have crunchy bullshit in it, so she felt deprived eating real chili rather than her heinous slop.
5:36 Let’s abort this ‘what I ate today’ bullshit to update us on the fact that she’s playing Mario Party. Way to interrupt… oh, wait. She’s showing off her ‘snack moment’ (DOWN THE HATCH, FUCKERS, FUCKING RUM MOME… no. No, I can’t do it. So sorry. Just rum. Time for rum. Lots of rum. It is NOT a rum moment. No such thing. More like this is a rum-escapade driven by mediocrity and frustration.) Anyway, what she’s having is milk chocolate flavored covered almonds. There are a whopping 160 calories for 7 OF THESE THINGS. 7. My fucking parrot would demolish 7 if I would let him poison himself with chocolate. He has more than 7 almonds without coating whenever I leave the bag in his reach until I reclaim it and stare dismally into the remains. You know PiggyLynn scarfed multiple servings of this shit.
5:49 Says she’s going to have a normal amount. She shows us a handful, fully closed, with almonds sticking out from behind her sausage fingers.
Running an experiment with plain almonds, I can grasp a solid 4 servings. I’ll count her hamfist as holding 2 servings, because those are chocolate covered, plus she has smaller hands owing to FAT and a significantly lesser height with stubbier digits.
Assuming 2 servings, that’s 340 calories.
Well, we’ve now got enough calories for a healthy adult male, sitting at a solid 2073.
Oh wait, she’s proclaiming there’s only 7 in her hand. But I will say that her hand looks emptier now than it looked a second ago, so she might’ve dropped some back into the bowl for later.
If we trust her, she’s now down to 1903. Which is still in ‘adult male’ range and well outside of ‘adult female’ range unless said adult female is intentionally working out.
6:03 They ate the ramen. It was “SHOOO GUUD” because these are the only words AL really knows to critique food. She includes a picture, because she didn’t film. Congratulations, Jade Francis, you can assemble a ramen bowl following simple instructions. It looks rather limp and sad, though. And edible flowers in ramen should take center stage, not be drowned under slabs of chicken and looking like forgotten refuse in a corner.
6:22 But now, AL’s in a snacking mood. She shows off the same fucking Lays variety pack that the goblin enjoys a packet out of each school day. AL goes on to explain how the 42 packet box contains varieties of chips, and how they’re individually wrapped and shit. AL prattles on about how her imaginary psychologist says to give in to snacks otherwise she’ll binge while she struggles to open the box. Says she was trying to eat in moderation, but every 4 days she’d binge. Because AL’s still LARPing that she has an eating disorder instead of just being a fucking glutton who likes food more than life.
7:19 She rips into that box like a lion tearing apart a fucking water buffalo. She pulls a single bag of Cheetos, but shoves it back and starts to manhandle everything. She professes she’s not a fan of either of the Doritos (Nacho and Cool Ranch flavor are in this particular variety box), because she’s a gorl with no taste. She then yanks out cheese and sour cream Ruffles and tosses them to JFoNYC/MG,W. She chooses the same Ruffles for herself as well, because she has to emulate Jade in all things. Assuming she has /only/ this packet, that’s another 160 calories.
So we’re at 2063 for the day.
8:50 Oh but fuck, that’s not all! She’s also pulling down Kinder Bueno Minis. Of course this mentally deficient slug can’t pronounce bueno correctly. These are 150 calories for 5 tiny as fuck little chocolates, so 30 per individually wrapped chocolate. She doesn’t tell us how many she’s having. Professes they taste like Nutella, and ‘love that.’ Because she’s so fucking original.
I’m assuming 5 went into her face, because I’m a generous and optimistic fucker.
2213 calories for the day.
9:15 Now we’re in the fridge. Which is stuffed to the gills with processed shit.
She’s going to have her ‘last thing for the day’ (so she can reset the clock after midnight, I assume), and she’s going for one of those fucking pre-assembled snack pack bullshit trays with crackers and meat and cheese. These are 300 calories each.
Only a paltry 2513 calories!! Or approximately what an amateur cyclist burns on a relatively flat Imperial Century accomplished in about 6 hours, or approximately what that same amateur cyclist burns on a very mountainous Metric Century accomplished in 4.5 hours. Just to put her caloric consumption into perspective.
9:38 AL does in fact mention that her fridge is a fucking disaster area, then discovers that they forgot a fruit tray buried in its depths. She is OBSESSED (of COURSE she is - there goes the rum) with the pineapple. And then…
9:53 ‘Babee, what’s your favorite, watermelon?’ And without a pause for answer, ‘her’s is watermelon.’ I am dying of laughter. Holy shit. So many racial stereotypes are flowing right now. SO many. But’cha know, maybe her favorite /is/ watermelon, and I’m just a complete asshole for immediately laughing at that coincidence.
9:55 AL has to tell us everything that’s in there, like cantelope and apparently iffy strawberries (that’s what happens when you leave strawberries around for nine years to rot, you dumbass). Pineapple, grape, watermelon. Congratulations, AL, you have the food recognition skills of a 2 year old! If I were in your region, I’d give you a pat on the head and a fucking lollipop to congratulate you (because you’d turn your nose up at a strawberry, apparently).
10:09 She’s prattling on about how she loves that, even though she forgot about it… and I’m just balking at the fact that she has caffeine free Diet Coke. The heathen of the Coca Cola family. The desecration of the holy splendor of Diet Coke. Fuck you, AL. Fuck you.
10:15 Oh great, now where on white slides. She professes that today was a weird day of eating (over a slide that says ‘WEIRD DAY OF EATING’). She says sometimes she has more meals, and sometimes she feels more snacky (over a slide saying ‘SNACKY’) and so she went with it so she wouldn’t binge (slide says ‘EVERY DAY YOU IS DIFFERENT’ and my brain is not steeped in enough alcohol to prevent me from shrieking at this grammatical abortion). So every day is different, and she wants to do more of these videos (slide says ‘MORE TO COME’ and I’m thinking ‘don’t threaten me, AL, I’m too low on rum for your shenanigans, bitch’) but she doesn’t want to bombard us with them (slide changes to ‘THANKS FOR WATCHING!’). But there will be more, and she hopes we enjoyed it (I did not), and ends it with ‘Bye’ rather than her fake kissy bullshit.
TL;DW/R, AL shoves food in her face. She is still fat. She threatens us with more videos of her eating. No kissy-outro for you, assholes!!
- Joined
- Dec 1, 2018
Food. Food, food, food. Food. Food, food, food, food, food............
............10 minutes later-Food food. Food. Food, food, food.
Shocking, I tell you, shocking. Also, very FAT.
............10 minutes later-Food food. Food. Food, food, food.
Shocking, I tell you, shocking. Also, very FAT.
- Joined
- Sep 20, 2016
God I hate those chintzy square plates with
the faux marble paint. I hate them so much. It's precisely the sort of thing fat trash thinks is classy in precisely the same way guidos think gold plated toilets are classy.
the faux marble paint. I hate them so much. It's precisely the sort of thing fat trash thinks is classy in precisely the same way guidos think gold plated toilets are classy.
- Joined
- Oct 2, 2021
I wonder if Hammy has made that ghastly 'chili' or liquid slop for Wipey
Hamberger Helper.
kiwifarms.net
- Joined
- Jul 25, 2022
Hay gorls
How have we been? Hamber's still fat and thinks we believed her outpatient lies and needed to know that she's recently quit it
How have we been? Hamber's still fat and thinks we believed her outpatient lies and needed to know that she's recently quit it
- Joined
- Jul 30, 2017
had to log into an old unused account to get here cause I'm a fucking idiot but damn did I miss this place.
- Joined
- Jan 9, 2015
The takedown of the Reddit subs was annoying, as is Reddit... At least we can all be sure that she's still fat.
Turd Fergusson
kiwifarms.net
- Joined
- Jul 28, 2019
Yes, but she is going through something that she can’t talk about.
- Joined
- Dec 16, 2019
Amber is still fat and useless. Even the reaction channels can't do much with her smug lies.
There's simply nothing new to point out.
I hope someone in her orbit gives details of what they do with her body when she dies. That might be vaguely interesting.
There's simply nothing new to point out.
I hope someone in her orbit gives details of what they do with her body when she dies. That might be vaguely interesting.
- Joined
- Mar 28, 2019
Sweet baby black Jesus... missed youse gorls! But BACK IN DA HOUSE!!!!!
Having to watch so many fat, ugly trannies on the Telegram channel gave me a new and somewhat undesirable opinion of our own Baby Heffalump Dainty Princess Qween!
I'm ready to get reeeeeee-tarded again! BWHAHAHAH!
Having to watch so many fat, ugly trannies on the Telegram channel gave me a new and somewhat undesirable opinion of our own Baby Heffalump Dainty Princess Qween!
I'm ready to get reeeeeee-tarded again! BWHAHAHAH!
My Cat Is Racist
kiwifarms.net
- Joined
- May 21, 2017
This ALWAYS happens when she manages to put her foot in her mouth. This time she claimed Stevie Wonder isn't blind and it pissed off a whole bunch of people. Way to "dehumanize" someone Big Al.......
It's all deflect, deflect, deflect.
I am currently archiving her most recent vids. I'll upload them when they're done if the site is stable enough.
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l.wolf
kiwifarms.net
- Joined
- Jul 23, 2021
Let it be known to all. Amber has lost 0 (ZERO) weight since starting her journey on Youtube, she is up 98 pounds from her starting weight. Even going by her weird round about math.
- Joined
- May 22, 2020
As insufferable as the Reddit subs were, them being yeeted only aids to her inevitable path to being more and more irrelevant.
We all love that for her.
** Very glad to see the site running for the time being **
- Joined
- Feb 20, 2019
If she's going to say that something "soul shredding" has happened, it goddamn well better be stage 4 brain cancer.
- Joined
- Sep 20, 2016
I'VE LOST A HUNDRED POUNDS YOU GUYS
