http://mustbepearls.tumblr.com/post/110210176093/dear-krystle-3-hi-baby-so-while-you-are-over
DEAR KRYSTLE<3
Hi, baby. So while you are over there looking cute while you are watching YouTube, I am over here feeling insanely stressed, triggered, overwhelmed, confused, lost, and scared. I do not expect you to understand but I do expect you to listen, accept, and be gentle with me when it comes to these feelings, emotions, decisions, and thoughts because I need someone there for me and I want and need that someone to be you. It truly is hard for me right now to even wrap around the right kind of words to convy what I truly want to say to you. We both know that we have let ourselves go pretty badly yet again. I only know this by the way you talk to me about how you feel fat, when in reality, I think you look amazingly beautiful and always will but speaking for myself, I feel bigger than I have ever felt in my whole entire life and that is putting it lightly. Again, speaking for myself, I feel like utter shit. I might smile on the outside but on the inside, all I can think about is if I ate too much or too little the last meal, or if I now weigh my heaviest weight overall, or if I will have to buy a bunch of bigger clothes eventually because the ones I wear now no longer look good on me and the ones I want to wear don’t even fit me at all, or I constantly fear that I am going to have so many health defects because of how big I am allowing myself to be, or my heart just flat out hurts and breaks because I feel like I will never lose true weight ever again, and most of all, I am just not happy. It sucks, it sucks so bad to have this eating disorder. So many people look away from me and think I am fat because I am lazy, which I never said I wasn’t, but honestly, deep down, I am fat because food has somehow made me its prisoner and I have been in prison my whole life. We go back and forth so much between eat healthy, eat whatever just count calories, eat healthier but it’s okay to eat this or that, count calories strictly, don’t calories, too much fat, too much sodium, not enough water, stop eating processed, okay let’s add processed but no more this, let’s have more of that, less carbs. This is a battle you and I are constantly struggling with but for me, speaking for myself and only myself, I stop counting calories because I am lazy, it’s overwhelming, it is time consuming, and deep down, if I am not counting calories, I am allowing myself to eat more than I probably should full of foods that I probably shouldn’t be touching, so within in myself, besides all of the inside healing I am trying to do, I need to stop binging and start eating less. This is all a mind game to me. My mind is playing this game that will never shut off. One of us has to win and I want it to be me. I need to get my life back. I know you know how much the gym means to me, so I do not need to even touch on that topic. You know we will start attending the gym again on Monday and you know how much I appreciate your support in that matter. The gym is literally heaven to me. Not in the sense that is exagerated, it just really does something for me that I cannot explain to anyone, let alone myself, so to me, if there was a heaven that did not include you, it would be at the gym. The gym is a major gateway to happiness and health for me. So, taking all that aside, I need to shape up, baby. I need to strap on my adult gear and really dive into this weight loss lifestyle with an extreme measure. So much talk is said but so little action is taken. I have figured out in the last couple of years that this is not my fault. I did not choose to be this way. I did not choose to wake up one day and live in a body with an extreme eating disorder that no one seems to understand. More than anything, I wish people would understand but it will never happen and that is something I am accepting. I want to heal myself in the best way that I can. This whole “no calorie counting, eat whatever I want in moderation” works for so many people, including someone who truly inspires me, Kim from YouTube, who has lost over 100 pounds. It triggers me into a state of desperation but only because I am a binger. I cry so much on the inside, Krystle, so much that I ache from it all, so much that as I type these words I am crying on the outside and you don’t even notice. That really is how I feel- it sums it up perfectly- I am screaming so hard on the inside and outside but no one hears me, whether it be because they choose not to or because it really is not something they can hear but no matter the reason, my scream is strong and it wants to be catched, hugged, soothed, and healed. This journey is more than just a journey to me. To others, it is just about losing weight so easily but for me, it is like a dove trying to pull a mansion with its wings. I feel insanely hopeless. I have let myself down so much that I can no longer see straight because of it anymore. I was walking into Panera Bread today and noticed my reflection. It was like a stranger staring back at me, only I was the stranger and the eyes were calling for help. My body in that reflection was revolting. It was something that literally made me want to turn around from the restaraunt, run, and not eat for the rest of the day. I am even lying to YouTube. No longer am I the girl on there being honest with my actions. I have become so ashamed in hiding that I do not even know who I am anymore. Purposly trying to eat less is such a tedious chore but it is also a blessing, a blessing of sorts that can create me to come out of hiding and be an inspiration again. I want to inspire. I want to succeed. I want to smile in the mirror again from my accomplishments. I want to step on the scale and be surprised with wonder and amazement of the outcome. I want people to look at me and see positive change. I am not saying I am going to purely eat broccoli and plain chicken but I am going to stop lying to myself and everyone else, finally fall onto track instead of staying off of it, and I am going to take advantage of my young body, cherish the time I have now to change into the person I want to be. I will never be perfect, that is not what I aim to be, but I am a step closer to death each day I do not take action. You mirror off of me a lot of the time- copying what I do, whether it be eating healthier or some other mode of weight loss, and I want the reflection you see to be amazement because I know you can do this, lose this weight, be happy in your own skin, and I want that for you so much. Knowing today that you were having such anxiety in Panera Bread all because of how you see yourself literally broke my heart. I blame myself and my eating disorder a lot on the weight gain you have had. I am tired of holding so much negativity on my shoulders and I am ready to shed that weight off as well as physical weight. Please, babe, guide me in this however possible, support me, because I need to be strict with myself because by doing so, I am getting my life in shape and I am counting more days that I will be able to be alive in this world. Much love, Amberlynn
![:\](/styles/custom/emotes/svg/chris-confused.svg "Confused :\")
