It's always
Groundhog Day in the amberverse, What amazeen insights will Big Ham give us this time about things she can't do? Will the scratch art make a return? Another grocery haul? I suppose if we must live, no matter how temporarily, in the amberverse, we should just let go of any shred of logic and
lie back and enjoy it.
i’m too fat for the gym, grocery haul, & outpatient update | vlog - June 13, 2022
Twenty minutes of Big Ham's rehashed bullshit. Why do we mistreat ourselves this way?
Jaysus, the scare jump from the thumbnail to Hamber suddenly appearing on the screen, looking even more corpselike than usual, which seems like an impossible task, Damn, cellulitis again? What is this, the fourth time in the past year-ish that this very different from Aunt Flo aunt has visited her? Fifth? I'm going with the fifth time, because it's Big Spamber, and by now - probably long ago, realistically - we've moved into chronic cellulitis territory from acute territory. She didn't want to share it because she "fears judgement"? No, you don't. You wouldn't be on YouTube at all if that were the case. I don't believe at all it even crossed your mind not to tell your viewers. You're just that narcissistic and you know that at any given time, there will always be people hanging around, willing to offer you sympathy asspats.
JFC, more of the "I know people will say it's hygiene, no it doesn't work that way. No, I have athlete's feet [sic], I know that's, like, so random, and that's a major cause of cellulitis" shit, says her layyyg is all swollen and "highlighter red" (wtf?), and she's back on antibiotics. "I was supposed to go somewhere super (whispers) fucking (end whisper) fun with my "gf" in a few days and now I literally can't." Heaves a big sigh. "When it rains, it pours, amirite?"
So very much to unpack in Hamber's offering to the patron saint of victimhood. First of all, it's athlete's FOOT, not feet, even if you have it in both feet, and that isn't "random". Secondly, athlete's foot is a fungal infection, and it is not that which causes cellulitis. It's that athlete's foot can create skin breaks through which bacteria can enter, thus causing cellulitis and other things. you're back on antibiotics, yet again, no mention of actually going to the doctor. My working theory is that she doesn't finish any given round of antibiotics, no mater what she says. My guess is that she takes them long enough for whatever it is - UTI, cellulitis - to clear to thepoint she can go waddling around again, at which point she stops taking them,banking the remainder fo the next event, whatever that might be. It's kind of like a crazy person who is on their meds: they've been feeling more like themselves, things are ok, so they decide they're not crazy any longer, so they can stop taking their meds, and slowly go back into crazyland, cycling back and forth. One day, we'll get a MRSALynn story arc. At least that would break up the monotony a little. I wonder if they make adult diapers in her size. IV antibiotics are hellish, and we all know our gorl BowLynn for Beetus wouldn't exactly be able to rush to the toilet when the body decides to do a....release, so to speak. You need to be washing your feet thoroughly, or get the "gf" to do it, and stop walking around in your bare fucking fungal=infested feet. House shoes are house shoes for a reason, and in YOUR house it's so one doesn't pick up contagious bullshit you're tracking everywhere.
And gosh, doesn't it just suck that she and the "gf" were supposed to go somewhere "super fun" in a couple of days and darn it, wouldn't you know it: cellulitis makes a reappearance and, well, now I can't go. Shucks.
Yeah, totally believable, Big Ham. It was probably somewhere with a lot of Joaquin involved, and while she may give lip service to how great it is to be walking and how her 100 day goal is to walk a mile (when did she se that goal again?), she doesn't really want to walk anywhere. You can rent scooty puffs, you know. But let's move on here, because otherwise I'm going to be typing a fucking novel about this bitch.
Claims to be "back to doing" her eating disorder treatment. The imaginary one you hate because they don't talk about
Bruno weight loss? Or, are you "seeing" just the psychologist from that program that you hate because they don't talk about losing weight? I have no idea why I'm asking, it's just as fictional either way. Hamber goes on, tossing out casually that this psych is just "everything" and she just luffs her and she doesn't want to lose her, "and I know she doesn't want to lose me!" Goddamn, the narcissism is incredible. Hamber claims that therapists always want to be her friend, and that one was showing her pitchers on instagram, and what the fuck are you talking about, Big Ham? They are not trying to be your friend, and none of them are showing you their fucking JG pics. Mental health people try to build rapport with patients, not be BFFs with them. LiarLynn. And stop using the word "vibe".
Rarity! STFU, Big Ham, we don't need to hear your fat mouth. And leave the damn cat alone. Stop cackling in the background. Give us this moment of cat zen.
Moment's over!
FFS. Yeah, your hair looks like shit. You don't need to mention it in every fucking video. It always looks like that, we've seen this show before. Take one of those showers you're always bragging about and wash that nasty hair.
She's eating. Ah, yes, the thin as fuck chops that are not going to be enough. Why, I ask rhetorically, is there no middle ground with this bitch? It's either Arby's and Sonic or a couple small pieces of cardboard and whatever side she ate with that. It's either a 20 piece McNugget or "depriving" herself. It's either Yamato and froyo or Optavia. It's almost like there's a word to describe a middle ground between eating it all or eating next to nothing, between 100% and 20%. I'm sure it will come to me.
Hamber says she is counting calories and is "back on" train. Says she "lost herself" and was "binging" and "overeating" a "little bit". Not even the most adept serial killer could lose your body. You DO NOT have BED. You have disordered eating because you don't do jack shit all goddamned day. To be "back" on something, you have to have had to be ON it in the first place. You're just as fat right now, or fatter, than you were on January 1 this year (504 ellbees). Prove me wrong, as I said in the last one: go to that lymphedema doc and get weighed there, on camera. She spouts more self-help, affirmation shit about how she needs to be consistent, etc. She has more hickies, one of which is toward the back of her neck. Juvenile. All those words about sticking to something, "only I can fix me" stuff only work if you take them to heart. not perform them as theater pieces on YouTube to an audience who has heard then before but not yet seen them in action (ever).
ReaderLynn does BookTube. i listened to this up to the point where she started trashing her foster parents, at which point I told Hamber to go fuck herself and skipped to the end of it. While there are, in fact, terrible foster parents doing horrible things to the kids in their care, I have serious, seious doubts that LiarLynn's foster parents were among that small group. Fuck you, Hamber, you lying, pathological cunt.
Scratch "art". Skip.
Hamber here telling us she's about to shower. Sure, bitch, whatever. First, though, she wants to tell us about this shirt she's wearing. She hated it when she first got it - somehow I doubt this - because it was "weird and long and weird". Ah, WriterLynn, such a master with words. After wearing it and washing it, it shrank, and like a miracle, it now fits like a long shirt. Eh, whatever.
Second Rarity sighting!
Now in the kitchen, different shirt. Hair is still nasty as fuck. Cone on, StaminaLynn, use that stamina to wash ALL of you, including your fucking hair. It's gross. Grocery haul time. Again.
LOLOLOLOL. A family sized box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Nothing says back on the diet train like CTC! Hamber assures us that a cup of CTC is only 170 calories! She has no idea how small one cup is or how much more 170 calories of various fruits and vegetables would be (not o mention how much better for you they are). She doesn't bother to mention how much sugar is in that one cup. 36 grams of carbs, 12 of which are added sugar. It contains both sugar (second ingredient) and fructose (fifth). It also has 230 grams of sodium, wow. Can't have cereal without melk, so, another quart of melk to go with the gallon they bought previously. Big Ham helpfully tells us whole melk is only 150 calories, and "a bowl of cereal is about 300 calories, so it's perfect". One scoop of Ben & Jerry's Cookies and Cream ice cream only has 210 calories. Just sayin'. And hey, she isn't trying to "deprive" herself, let's be realistic here (because that would make her "binge", just like WW makes her "binge" for allowing her to eat fast food, or intuitive eating makes her "binge" or counting calories makes her "bine" or any other goddamned thing, because the world is just one big trigger fr poor, mentally ill Hamber.). Because we know that deprivation is a huge issue for her, you can tell just by looking at her. She says "The only way I can be successful in this weight loss journey is by eating in moderation."
IMG!
That's the word I was hunting for earlier. Thanks shtooooo much, Hamber, for proving you do know what moderation is and you just fucking ignore it.
Blah blah. She says "Failure is gonna happen that's how the binging starts." Spare us. You have no intention of staying under any level of calories. You are going to eat as you normally do - wellm to be fair, it's goingto be worse than you normally do, because the rest of the shit you're pulling out is junk. Do show us.
Chicken sausage. A box of bland, cardboard, sodium and preservative-laden Stove Top stuffing because she was craving it. And as we all know from the last short story about the imaginary ED clinic, you should eat what you're craving. Sodium and preservative-laden Chicken in a Biskit crackers. says ahe used to "love them" when she was a kid. For the crackers - because god forbid you eat a cracker alone - she got some more spreadable cheese. this time, it's President Wee Brie, "brie flavored cheese". WTF is "brie flavored cheese"? It's cheddar cheese mixed with brie. I am not joking, although I wish I were. Next time, Fatty, just get the cheese food product in a can. She wants to do a "taste test" for us, and since she's never had dates, she bought dates. Rolled in coconut. Why not just dates, dumbass, if you want to eat a date for the first time, It's a "healthier alternative" to a dessert molment.
This is one of the reasons I cannot stand her. She has no - NO - frame of reference for anything. The dates are 70 calories. EACH. Who amongst us thinks that a single date rolled in coconut is going to be a satisfying "dessert molment" for Big Ham? She mentions that she also uses the cereal as a dessert. Also not going to be satisfying. Because it's all simple - much like you, Big Spam - goddamned sugars and carbs, you idiot.
More precut fruit because she refuses to learn how to handle a knife. Raspberries. Claims she recently tried raspberries for the first time and I don't believe this bitch for even a molment and she "mighta fellin' in love". GrammarLynn always uses correct grammar, y'all, no matter the medium. It's like a perfectionist thing, ya know. She wants to freeze them. Yeah, why try anything in its natural fucking form. Hair crap. Deoderant.
Moving to a Horrid try on.Warns us that her washing machine is going, and that's the noise. But we can't do this stupid section anywhere else without the noise. Ugly, tacky, three strand necklace, It looks like a paperclip necklace third graders make, Also pulls out a dress, but complains the material is "one of thems!" GrammarLynn, back again. It's Bambi, so basically it's an elephant carrying a deer. She loves it, and says thanks to her (imaginary) weight loss, it fits! (It does not fit.) Soes a little twirl, trying to convince us that it fits. Has to take this opportunity to show us her tits, telling us she loves the way it makes her boobs look. Oh, your fake as hell sad titties? It does not fit.You'll be wearing it as a shirt, just like every other dress.
More reacting to herself and her "struggles"., which are mainly just chances for her to eyefuck herself.
Interrupts her screen self to tell us the treadmill and ellipticals wouldn't move when she got on them at the gym. Instead of editing out the part where her screen self tells us the same shit, then after her screen self is telling us, she interrupts again and tells us a third fucking time. Whatever. I set it to 2x speed through this because her bitching about why gyms "don't have" equipment for 600 pound fucking behemoths, as if the entire goddamned world needs to make accommodations for fat fucking landwhales who cosplay as gym rat cardio lovers. Claims she downplayed the issue in this struggles video, and nobody believes that, DramaLynn. Walk around the fucking block. You don't need the gym.
Bitches about not being able to ride a bike or go camping or anything in the video. Now says she wouldn't go camping in the now, because of the bugs and stuff. I don't believe that's the reason, Fatty. I think it's the necessity that you piss and shit in the great outdoors. There's just no way you'd be able to do that. Claims she would love to ride a bike again, and even has this bike in mind that's a "melky pink". Thinks maybe she should make that a goal, to ride that bike. Sure, why not go ahead and set it, to be put down the memory hole with every other goal you've ever set?
Hilariously, claims that "rollerblading was my (whispers)fucking(stops whispering) jam!" She was shtoooo good at it, you guise. I bet she was a superstar, recruited by professional rollerblading teams, and taking medals in every event she was in. Tell us again how shitty your childhood was again. Better yet, tell us who bougght you rollerblades - your druggie parents or your horrible foster parents.
Comedy gold: the "struggles" video gets to her "towels don't fit/cover me" part, and she shuts that shit down instantly, with one of those "Yeahyeayea" idiotic things she used to say in the livestream era.
One item that wasn't in this video, but that I wanted to touch on, again: her marathon sex sessions and other assorted bullshit about her sex life. In this video, she not once, but twice whispers the word "fucking" when saying something. No one can convince me that Hamber and the "gf" have this awesome sex life. If you can't say fucking, something tells me you're not doing a whole hell lot of it.
WayTL;DW/R: Cellulitis making another appearance on the stage that is Big Ham, more fifth grade book review and a casually tossed in claim of being treated like shit in foster care, claims she's back in outpatient therapy, back on a diet (counting calories), a grocery haul of junk food, Horrid try on, scratch "art", telling, then retelling about her woes at the gum and whining about gyms not rolling out a red carpet and having trumpets sound off when a fat person goes in, tells us she was great at rollerblading, and in general just being an insufferable cunt. The world outside may be a shitshow, but it's business as usual in the amberverse.
