0:00 ‘Hello. Welcome to my vloggity vlog.’ What, no enthusiastic ‘Hey, guise!’ What the hell. I’m already bored. She sounds like she looks - like a warmed over corpse rolled in a crate of crisco and stuffed with the lard of a thousand Christmas puddings.
0:04 Says she was about to do her makeup. States she normally does her makeup in ‘the office’ but today she’s going to ‘switch it up’ and stay ‘chilled out in bed.’ Wait, what? Call me crazy, but don’t most ladies either put on makeup in the bathroom or at a vanity, which is usually in a dressing room/bedroom? She puts it on in ‘the office’? Is that what they’re calling her cell these days? I am now totally confused.
0:11 Yesterday apparently she did a lot of organizing and cleaning and has a pile of shit she’s going to dump on Goodwill, because she can’t take her trash to the landfill. Guess it’s time for the quarterly culling of the hoard to allow her to hoard things once again. I wonder how many of her ‘I love my job’ ‘professional YouTuber’ things (like ring lights, heheheh) are going to get donated this time. Maybe her tiny tripod? Maybe her camera since she’s apparently recording on her phone again? Lolz Back on topic, she’s stating that culling her hoard made her pelvis hurt and her hysterectomy scar makes her hurt. Waaaah, baby, aaaah.
1:03 She does the LITERAL slap the camera before/after edit. AL. You aren’t supposed to beat your equipment. You’re supposed to obscure the lens, not smash your ham-hoof onto that shit. The difference between before and after isn’t all that stark - she looks more corpse-pale because of her shit foundation and has some lame wings painted onto her eyelids. That’s it. And it looks like she brushed her hair (which is still GREASY AS FUCK - WASH THAT SHIT!!!) and stuffed some tacky earrings in. Wow, so chic. Such fashion. Much effort. So lolz.
1:10 So yeah, she waffles about how she feels more productive if she slathers product on her face. Because it’s the one thing she can accomplish in a day without being winded besides eating. Speaking of, she shows us a huge bowl with sauce remaining in it and says it’s the sad remains of a cauliflower pesto situ…
No.
No, we ain’t doin’ that shit.
I value what remains of my liver, you scurvy-riddled fuckface.
1:24 WASABI IS ALIVE!!!!! And looks entirely unimpressed as AL tries to engage him with her fat sock-covered foot and baby voice. Ugh. I feel for you, fluffy man. He then sits and puts up with her scratching at him as she baby-talks and calls him retarded nicknames. Not Wasabi Dot, but Wasabooz, because she can’t keep her shtick straight for 19 nanoseconds. However, I will take a moment to sadly simp for our fluff master, because he looks gnarled and sorely in need of a good brushing. The fur on his neck is terribly twisted and stringy, and now that I look closer the rest of his coat is in pretty sad shape. Poor neglected mister.
1:39 Oh, and now we have the fat mutt. And more AL voice-over. Shaddup. Your voice is like audio diarrhea and it hurts. Anyway, she babbles her stupid ‘I wuv u’ shit to an unimpressed pupper and then states that it’s starting to ‘get cold here in Kentucky’ because it’s in the 60s, so they had to turn the AC off and now it’s sweater weather. Don’t worry, AL. You have enough blubber to warm an Eskimo village for a week. You’ll be fine.
2:06 Fuck, now what’re we doing? Her fat meat mitten is manhandling a glass jug. It’s her newest purchase. She got two of them. She’s using one for orange juice (wait, didn’t she rage about how orange juice is bad for your teeth or some shit? Didn’t she tell Becky that she didn’t drink it because of that? Or is my brain mush?). The other she wants to put melk in, but the melk she has is expiring in two days so she has to buy more and is going to wait until then to fill her new jug. Because fuck putting things in the fridge in their original containers. Let’s just have these containers that she’s never going to wash, and therefore will have the remains of liquid carried over from week to week to spoil and go bad and contaminate the new additions to said containers. Fucking dumbass. Her melk and her orang juice are going to taste like shit in a few weeks and she won’t be able to figure out why, and there’re going to be tossed and/or forgotten.
As said, had to expand the hoard. No wonder she was getting shit ready to dump into Goodwill so they can chuck it into a dumpster for her.
2:42 Random facts about her - she states that she likes a clean apartment ‘obviously!’ But there’s a few things she’s a procrastinator on. And she shows us an enormous heap of clothes on her sink. And yes, there’s a tag on what appears to be a bra or a shirt in that mess. She professes she hates putting away clean laundry.
It’s not just clean laundry, wench. We’ve seen your floor before in accidental shots, and we know there’s boxes and stacks of clothes fucking everywhere, you gross-ass hoarder. The only area that’s clean is ‘the office’ and your kitchen, and that’s because you film there and have to maintain appearances.
Back on topic, she says it’s one of her least favorite chores (worst is cleaning the toilet.
3:18 Now she’s on Torrid, recording her laptop browser. She’s on the ‘new and now’ shit looking for tarps in her size.
3:45 Fuck us, she found onesies. She says she’s never worn one a day in her life (I’ll be Methmom put her chunky ass into them when she was a baby and she simply has no pictures to remind herself of that), but Christmas is coming up so she may torture us with them. She has 11 things in the cart from ‘the other day.’ Pauses on a necklace that she thinks is kyuute, because everything is kyuuute, but decides that because it’s twenty bucks she won’t add it. That’s a DoorDashed Diet Coke, damn it, so fuck the rhinestones!
4:20 Ugh, now she’s looking at another necklace (after rolling past a matching sweatshirt/sweatpants that she threatens us with) and decides to add this one. It’s twenty three bucks and looks like a chincy chain. She likes that it’s matte, which means that it won’t show the filth of her neck as swiftly as her fat folds engulf it and deposit dirt into it.
4:40 Shows us her ‘most favorite’ thing that’s in her cart, and it’s a Cruella DeVille shirt, meaning it’s just a half black, half white cardigan. $89.50 for that shit. THE FUCK. That is way overpriced. But ‘it’s kyuuuute’ and ‘this gorl slays in it’ and she’s going to get it in size 5, spoken size baby elephant.
5:12 The next day - ‘so if I look sad, it’s because I am sad’ and she’s been sobbing her fucking face off. But she refuses to talk about it as she smears her crappy makeup off her giant pig face. ‘It makes it MORE REAL to say it out loud’ aka: baitbaitbaitbaitbait
6:05 And she’s whimpering that she’s pretty sure she has gained weight. Proclaims she can feel it in her body, and then states the obvious - she hasn’t weighed herself since her last weigh-in video.
Cue Scooby Doo “Whaaaaaaa?” This from the gorl who so many time proclaimed that she was OBSESSED with weighing herself, and would sometimes weigh herself multiple times a day?
So which is the lie, AL? That you’re obsessed with weighing yourself, or that you haven’t weighed yourself and are just guessing that you’ve gained weight?
6:20 Assures us that she’s ‘okay’ and she’s going through a (censored for my sanity)
6:42 Next day. ‘Yes, we have a cat fur (censored for my continued sanity)’. She’s showing her filthy fucking floor. There’s a wadded up blanket to the side next to an empty white basket and there’s a white pad, like a giant dog bed or something. All of it looks filthy because that’s not just cat fur on the floor, that’s months of cat fur and dust bunnies and lint and filth. I itch to bring my carpet cleaner and watch the water whisk up into it in a myriad of browns and grays. Ughughughugh. The purpose of showing us her filthy floor? Is it a weigh in? Is it a scale going onto a carpet? NO! It’s the next lego. It’s a globe. Wipey got it for her.
7:04 Moment to appreciate Rarity wandering in to sit primly at the top of the box which has been tossed onto the floor. I am so grateful she’s a DSH, so she can’t be the disheveled mess that poor Wasabi is. And of course AL has to wreck everything by baby talking to the lovely kitty, blaming her and Wasabi for all the cat fur everywhere.
No, the cats aren’t at fault. Your inability to brush them and vacuum your dump are at fault, AL.
7:14 Now we’re at the table. And of course the fucking box is a ‘her’ because AL has to apply a sex to everything. AL opens it and starts yanking bags out, showing us that she’s literate enough to read numbers printed on bags and explains that the numbers denote the order in which the model is to be assembled. AL bemoans the fact that there’s a lot of bags and the instruction pamphlet is rather large.
7:55 Apparently her dream lego set is the Titanic set.
8:00 Shows us the instructions. Likes the fact that they’re easy to follow and super clear. It’s almost like Lego prints all set instructions in the same fashion regardless of complexity of the set, so the instructions are suitable for ages 4+ even if the set requires more patience than a toddler can manage. At least we can rest assured that the instruction pamphlet it within AL’s literary capabilities.
8:25 So now she shows us that she’s a wasteful fuckmuffin who uses another container to hold the bags she isn’t constructing in order. Instead of, you know, putting them back into the box they came in. And she once again shows us that she has marginal reading abilities and can read her numbers to us.
9:26 Gah, even though she showed us the book before, she’s showing us the book again. Because I guess it’s building legos with a retard day on this channel.
9:31 FUCK YOU, AUDIENCE. She’s not starting it now! She wanted to get it organized. HAHAHAHA. What a fucking troll.
9:45 She shows herself waddling (sped up) down her hallway (which has two laundry baskets in it, for some odd reason) to get to the door, and waddles back with her DoorDash. She got Mexican. Tacos (steak) with rice, sauce which she doesn’t use. Points out the steak, pico de Gallo, lime (which she doesn’t use, because she’s a heathen), radish…. Sorry, DC4L.exe has malfunctioned. Because after many, MANY trips to Cancun, Mexico DC, Tijuana, Mexicali/Calimex… radish…? On tacos…?
Liquor reset complete.
10:25 Fucking scarfs that shit on camera, of course. And does a disgusting fatty dance. States that the rice is hit or miss, but she says it’s good today.
10:50 Now putting away her tarps in her closet. She says she is dressing up this year, and that her phone is sitting on her halloween costume(s). Because yes, she says plural. She says her shit’s low-key and nothing super-crazy. There’s two costumes she thinks are kyuute and hopes we’ll get a kick out of them.
11:25 For those who watch other vloggers, she’s watching ‘Pink Sparkles’. So how much of her new personality and vlogging style is lifted from this person?
11:30 In the dark, she states she wants to end this video (but has 2 minutes left to go, FML) and that tomorrow she needs to get back on track with her weight loss. She feels sad, is going through some stuff and is turning to food.
11:45 Tomorrow’s going to be a ‘Day 1 Molment’ and she wants to just sit down with us and talk to us. Rarity interrupts her rambling by jumping on the desk, but unfortunately is out of camera range.
12:18 AL continues to tease us about this apparent shit that’s making her so sobby-sad and boo hoo hoo (fuck off) but she won’t share it because if she did, what would there be to draw her dwindling audience back? She says she’s told her mother, but that’s all, so I guess she and MethMom are in communication. At least on FB or something. AL keeps rambling, tells us that it’s 6AM and she hasn’t slept, but her doctor states that it’s totally normal that her insomnia is way worse because she’s never established a normal sleep schedule for herself in the first place.
12:45 Oh, wait, it’s because she stopped taking estrogen that her insomnia is worse. She says she was never supposed to be on it in the first place (because fuck you, go straight into cunty-menopause. But I actually kind of agree with this, because she has so much fucking adipose tissue that her estrogen levels should be through the damned roof without having supplementary supplies injected into her fat-riddled body). She blathers about how it was a resident that prescribed her and whaaa? No, that’s not how any of this shit works.
Yup, less than a minute left and she’s lying her face off.
13:08 Takes a moment to shit on nurse practitioners, and states that she has an appointment with her actual oncologist. Also says she has a CT scan scheduled because she still can’t fit in the MRI tunnel, and she has those CT scans every 6 months and every time she goes they look the same.
13:36 Finally closes out with her stupid kissy-outro.
