0:00 ‘Hello hello, welcome to a new vlog.’ I absolutely hate your new intro, AL. No energy at all. No uniqueness. And you sound like a dullard. Your poop bun also looks ratty as fuck. Doesn’t compliment your Sunday-Night Whore loop earrings - ya know, the hoops used in porn that look like they can double as ankle rests. Her neck’s looking especially rotund - likely because I can’t see her chonko choker. Where the fuck’s that gross thing gone?
Perhaps someone with sharper eyes can see it, but I sure as fuck can’t.
0:03 And here we have her telling us she InstaCarted a fuckwhack of groceries, because of course she’d InstaCart shit instead of, I dunno, go fucking shopping. Also loving that our clean gorl who can’t stand a mess in her apartment except for putting away clean laundry has shit piled up on top of her fridge, but that’s me being a nitpicking asshole.
0:15 Here be the groceries. I am not recapping this shit. Read
@toilet_rainbow ’s excellent post above for a rundown of what’s here.
1:40 However, in the midst of her putting away groceries, I will take a moment to laugh at the fact that she got more orange juice - but she’s not putting it in her stupid glass container, because her stupid glass container still has old orange juice in it. So she’s going to wait to put her new orange juice into the container until her old orange juice has been drank. So… her fridge… now has two containers of orange juice in it, one in its original packaging and the other in her stupid glass container. The actual fuck. This may be the quickest move from a container game that I’ve seen from her yet.
1:50 Rarity appears here with her cute little squeaky mew. She’s too good for this video. AL needs to shut her fuckin’ yap and let the kitty mew instead of engaging her in conversation with her diarrhea-voice.
4:00 I have no idea why she calls her shaker of minced onion ‘onion minced.’ Is she truly /that/ illitera… wait. Why am I asking. Yes, she is that illiterate. Apologies. Back to waiting for this grocery haul that
@toilet_rainbow already covered to be over and done.
5:52 Done with the haul. Now we have a sandwich on a plate that’s sitting on top of her fucking MacBook. Using it for scale, that sandwich is about 5” long. A skinny finger (so Jade Francis of NY, MGF:W) comes into frame, along with her very distinctive muttered voice saying ‘I did this.’ An obvious jab at AL’s retardo-moment of dancing jubilation at accomplishing grade-school level cooking many moons ago. AL just cackles and goes on to explain that it’s a ‘bomb-ass sandwich’ with mayo, fresh deli-chicken, lettuce, onion, bacon, lite-mayo. It’s VERY heavy on the bacon. Could use some more veg, if it were me, but it’s for a hippo, so it’s fine. AL proceeds to profess that she’s been craving something like this, and then food-porn shoves that shit into her face on camera. And I am distracted, watching my dumb cat attempt to murder her own tail.
6:24 Oh fuck me. She just raped my eardrums with an overly enthusiastic “MMMMM!’ because she just came in her holey black leggings from food.
She still hasn’t learned how to actually bite through her food and chew, either.
Piggy then has to say ‘IT’S SHOO GUUUUD’ with her mouth full like a fucking cretin to an off-camera JFoNY, MGF:W. And it gets WORSE. Because now she’s dribbling food from her mouth like a sped.
FFS, I know toddlers that are more fastidious in their eating habits than this goddamned smegmacanoe.
And she’s CHEWING WITH HER MOUTH OPEN. UGH. Like a fucking cow. Except a cow would eat with more grace.
If I had to see it, so do you.
Still talking with her mouth full, she says ‘You did that’ to off camera JFoNY, MGF:W.
6:33 Now at least she’s covering her mouth with her fat hoof while still talking with her mouth full. Saves us the full display of earlier. She says something completely unintelligible, and once she gulps that shit down she says it’s the best thing she’s ate in a while. Professes she’s going to have it for dinner, too. Because it’s SHO GUUUD. For fuck’s sake, AL, the food critic, ladies and gents. Who delightedly tells us that every food item on the planet is sho gud.
6:55 Now she’s giving us an update on her pile of shit in her bathroom. It’s still a huge pile of shit in her bathroom. It’s shifted, though, because I can no longer see the pink atrocity with the tag. There’s new atrocities. So it’s a taller pile of shit.
7:13 Shows the boxes of shit she’s taking to Goodwill
Otherwise spoken ‘throw these out for us, KTHXBI’
And her oh-so-precious suckahlents she was SHO OBSESSED with are going the way of the dodo. Who’s surprised? Nobody? Nobody at all? Huh. Yeah, me neither.
7:18 Proclaims that it’s so nice outside. And that her eyes are swollen because she’s been crying and bullshit. Still.
7:45 At Goodwill, which is open. Twinkie loses her shit in the back of the car sitting unrestrained on her fuzzy pillow, because that’s totally how the world’s best fur mom keeps her fur baby safe in the car, where a hard stop will turn said fur baby into a fur projectile.
7:49 Making ravioli. Has her two different packages of chicken sausage out with her mix energy drink things on the counter and a bag of something else that I can’t identify yet….
Wait.
She shows us that she’s got the two sausages to choose from… and then three sauces… and there’s the Luna bars in frame, the bag is tortillas, and there’s the cauliflower buffalo bite things and some other clutter…
This bitch didn’t put away anything that doesn’t require refrigeration from her grocery delivery.
OBSESSED WITH HAVING A CLEAN SPACE, Y’ALL.
8:06 OC JFoNY, MGF:W and AL play the stupid pointy game to choose which sauce and which chicken sausage variety they’re going to have. They, of course, fuck it all up. JFoNY, MGF:W is trying way too hard to disguise her voice. It’s hilariously bad.
8:21 Bonus Rarity sighting, as she wanders by on the floor while the speds point at sauce jars.
8:43 So instead of actually, you know, making ravioli, she’s just going to heat up packaged ravioli and throw some cut up chicken sausage and sauce into it. Which is fine, I guess, if you don’t have time to actually cook and prep shit. Which AL has all the fucking time in the world, but that’s effort and standing in a kitchen for longer than it takes to throw pre-packaged shit together and call it a day.
8:53 They’re doing broccoli as a side. AL begs JFoNY, MGF:W to cut a white onion because apparently AL hates cutting onion. Because effort.
9:35 And they reneged on doing the broccoli as a side. They just dumped that shit into the sauce and chicken and onions. After boiling the ravioli shit they just scoop it directly into the sauce rather than doing a drizzle of sauce on the top. AL finishes her diet-friendly </sarcasm> dish with shredded parmesan cheese.
10:30 Now AL is doing step 1 of her Lego shit. Of course, she’s doing a Time-lapse and ‘loves her a Lego Molment’. She just dumps step 1 shit onto her desk, then lays everything out in a rainbow shape because that’s how she likes them. She then has to explain that the ‘blue teal color is just a pick to take off legos if you put them in the wrong, uh, place, instead of using your teeth. Like me.’ She then waxes on about how as a little girl she didn’t have shit and she had no legos, so now she’s living out her childhood dream. She says legos are fun and therapeutic and shit. She does step one, assumes it’s the center of the globe, and still has 3 pieces left over.
Threatens to do step 2 on camera for us as well.
12:15 Instead of a kissy outro, we actually get a title card with smooch lips and ‘Thanks for Watching’. Improvement. I don’t feel filthy leaving this shit-stain behind.
