0:00 ‘Hey guise!’ Hey, AL. We have a full bottle of booze. We are ready for your dumbassery. ‘Welcome to Vlogmas Day 9.’ Not happy to be here, but sure. I wish you’d change up your stupid as fuck giggle intro that makes me want to throat-chop you right out of the gates.
0:22 Wearing her headphones, says she’s wearing them because she’s watching Vlogmas videos. Likely she was trying to get inspiration for doing her own, or maybe ideas. Or adopting another YouTuber’s mannerisms for herself in hopes that it will lift her engagement and therefore her payment out of the gutter. She’s apparently also getting ready for the day and was in the middle of doing her makeup (looks shitty, by the way) and eating leftover chili soup. Which she shows off exactly like she did in yesterday’s failvlog by showing us the bowl, because she forgot in less than 24 hours of time that you can’t tilt a bowl of soup to show its contents to the camera. Whoopsie!
0:44 Will say that it looks almost as soupy as it did yesterday. And is covered with a ton of shredded cheese. Looks to me to be about 4 servings of cheese, so an additional 440 calories on top of this shit chili. But she’s not counting calories and doing intuitive eating and/or Weight Watchers or something, so it doesn’t matter! (If she were still keeping her notebook, this’d be another ‘Off-track (up-arrow)’ entry)
You know it’s bad when the other person in the house, walking by to take a snip out of the bottle you’ve acquired for your recapping purposes, looks at the laptop screen and guffaws, spouting off ‘what the FUCK is that?!’ and then just laughs when you explain that it is a fatty’s soup-chili with a smidge of cheese on it. Then other person enters into a multi-minute diatribe about how that’s enough cheese to constipate Ethiopia. There is nothing wrong in that assessment.
0:50 In other news, AL has discovered what the rest of the continental US has known for about 2 centuries - that honey is great on cornbread. She has had the most lacking life when it comes to enrichment, I swear. However, AL says she added just a ‘smidgel’ of honey, and the urge to throat punch her has erupted once more. Fucking AuthorLynn rises once more with her astonishing command of the English language. Fireball whiskey is the name of today’s game, kiddos. And it is delicious.
1:00 Alright, this is now just sheer retardation. AL begs F/JFoNY:MGF,W to try the cornbread with honey on it. F/JFoNY:MGF,W states that she doesn’t like honey because FAT and it’s not processed sugar, so obviously it’s on the ‘fuck off’ list. AL then professes she doesn’t like honey, either.
And I’m flummoxed, because these two buttergolems who don’t like honey have less than 1/2 a bottle of honey in the house. AL is holding a full-size honey bear bottle. It is less than 1/2 full. If you don’t like honey, you don’t eat that much fucking honey.
Pardon me while I reeeeeee.
Anyway, F/JFoNY:MGF,W gives, and AL pours some shit off-screen while blathering that neither of them likes honey despite evidence to the contrary.
F/JFoNY:MGF,W says that ‘it’s bomb’. Guess she also has unenlightened tastebuds that have been blasted to R’lyeh by processed shit.
1:27 Now AL is pouring honey on shit, educating us morons that it pours slowly, because nobody’s ever used honey before. By the way, it’s coming out smoothly and without crystallization and there’s no buildup on the nozzle, indicative of regular usage. Having had a bottle of honey in the pantry that avoided use for 3 years and finally got experimentally used (and then tossed), let’s just say that this particular Diet Coke swiller might know what honey looks like in a household that doesn’t regularly use it. And don’t @ me about old as fuck honey. The only honey I ever remember is in the house regularly is my American Honey Wild Turkey whiskey, thank you (that bottle’s next after I polish off my Effen Black Cherry vodka, which is up after this Fireball). Back on topic, AL is talking about how it comes out slowly so you don’t do too much, as she pours about a full one to two teaspoons of honey on her cornbread. Because someone who doesn’t like honey pours it liberally over her entire plate, don’t’cha know.
1:40 Waddling around. Going to ‘open a giftie’ and keeps fucking baby-talking that shit. She hands the camera over to F/JFoNY:MGF,W so she can block out the Christmas tree in its entirety. F/JFoNY:MGF,W hands her a gift bag, and she says she’s going to open her baggie situFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOU. She’s worrying about lighting during this. If only there were these things called ring lights that could be utilized to direct lighting where you desire it, AL. Maybe they have one at the local Goodwill.
Nah, she’s afraid of showing up too dark, but F/JFoNY:MGF,W assures her she’s not and they sperg on about AL fixing the camera settings. Nobody cares.
2:20 Finally digs into her gift bag, then cackles like a damned hyena on crack. She pulls out a fucking… what is this. It looks like an accordion-style board book for toddlers. Oh wait, it’s scratchers. AL lets it just slowly tumble out of her hands and onto the floor. At least that affords us a glimpse of Rarity walking over to sniff and check it out.
Anyway, AL says that she’s addicted. Says we have to go to TikTok.com and get the app. Then says there’s all these people who get whole books of scratchers and sit on TikTok/live stream and scratch ‘em, while getting paid to be doing a stream and scratch ‘em. Thousands of people watch them do scratch-offs. Apparently this is AL’s new obsession, and she wants to do it. She’s been nagging F/JFoNY:MGF,W for a book of scratchers.
F/JFoNY:MGF,W reveals that she gave her 1/2 a book of scratchers, and its 76 scratchers.
AL burbles that it’s such a good gift, because it’s like giving them cash except making them work for it. Which is dumb. AL says she’s got 3 months to get it done, but she’s going to get into it immediately.
4:30 FUCK GAH MY EYES AAAUGH SHE WADDLED HER BOOB INTO THE CAMERA SO SHE COULD FATTY-KISS HER FAT F/JFoNY:MGF,W FOR THE SCRATCHERS UGH I NEVER WANNA BE THAT CLOSE TO HER CHESTICLES AGAIN AAAAAARRRRRRGH (booze successfully ingested)
4:34 Alright, now AL has decided to go immediately into her stupid scratchers. AL explains that the people on TikTok use cuticle pushers to do their scratch-offs. She’s going to use an eyelash curler/pliers/tweezers thing that she has no intention of doing it.
AL explains how this particular ‘elf’ sheet of scratchers work - you scratch off the upper area which says what you’re looking for, then scratch off the rest to try and match it or something. OR you can scratch off the syrup and see what you get. She ignores the syrup and goes straight for the other shit, and ends up with a losing card. Go figure. She says that she’s going to keep track of her winning and losing cards for fun.
5:40 Ah, now she’s going on that she knows people are going to come at her and proclaim that she’s going to get addicted to gambling. But she dOeSn’T hAvE tHaT wAnT!!!!! She’s addicted to food anyway, plebs, and food trumps scratchers. Anyway, she goes on that the story behind the scratchers is what’s meaningful, because F/JFoNY:MGF,W listens to her (FUCK YOU, BECKY) and abides by her wishes (FUCK YOU, BECKY) and got them because she knows and understands her (FUCK YOU, BECKY).
6:10 ‘We have some foodsies!’ What a bunch of bullshit. She got Jimmy Johns again, and then proceeds to tell us that this video will be flooded with food bullshit. She shows off her BBQ chips, then her footlong salami/turkey/lettuce sub with mayo and ‘smidgel of a little bit of an onion IT’S NOT A MOLMENT YOU RETARD’. Gah, this bitch. Then she shows off that she got giant chocolate chip cookies for later. She’s saving them for ’snackage.’ Even F/JFoNY:MGF,W makes a noise like she can’t discern the true meaning of the gibberish. AL then says ‘I mean to say peckage.’ This draws only more confusion. Because she doesn’t know the word is peckish. And then she thinks that peckish refers to being thirsty.
Never mind that the definition of peckish is literally ‘hungry.’
OUR WALKING DICTIONARY, FOLKS. Oh wait, walking calculator. Author. Scholar? Sure, let’s go with that. Any way you slice it, it’s all a laaaaah.
7:23 Because she’s having difficulty speaking/formulating thought because she has food distracting her, she decides that holding up her hands palm-out and reciting the alphabet is a good test of her mental acuity. Talk about sad-ass filler. She only makes it up to ‘V’ before proclaiming that she’s okay and terminating this exercise in stupid.
Blames her stupidity on anxiety/nerves while she fucks with the camera, focusing it on her fat bags. Then jump-cuts back to the original angle. Then likens her inability to speak to giving a class presentation, because that’s something every 30+ year old instantly thinks of.
7:55 Insert more feeder content here because she hates your fucking eyeballs, you dumb viewer. Let’s get some photoshop people at this exact moment to get a penis being shoved into her face. Please and thank you.
And it gets worse and worse as she does her sad ‘mmm’ foodgasm noise and puts it down to blubber-dance with her mouth dangling open.
If I had anything resembling a sex drive, it has shriveled up and buried itself with Mother Theresa to await the second coming of Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ thanks to this delectable sight. Thanks, AL.
IF ONLY THIS FUCKING COW WOULD CHEW WITH HER MOUTH CLOSED. The goblin herder in me wants to reach over, pinch her lips shut, and tsk her into oblivion. No desert for you, fatty! Chew with your lips sealed! Don’t talk with your mouth full!
8:00 Ugh, the incipit nonsense. Baby, baby, baby baby baby. Ugh. Only slightly more tolerable than Feline. They’re just blathering about how good their sandwiches are. Personally, I’d take Quiznos any day of the week over Jimmy Johns, but different strokes for different folks, of course.
8:22 More riveting content. AL is discussing WHILE CHEWING because she’s a FUCKING SOW that she’s trying to chew on her right side of her face, and that it’s hard because the left side of her face is where she regularly chews. Apparently she’s having pain.
8:33 Giggles like an incipit moron and says that it’s a jacket channel now. Puts the same jacket she’s been wearing onto her blubbery body, then tells us that they’re going to a cave for a light show. She’s NERVOUS (of course), and says she’s feeling cloister phobic about it. Which is such bullshit. What, does she think she’s going to be spelunking in tiny tight tunnels? Has she never been to any of the plethora of caverns that exist in Kentucky?
What am I saying. Of course she hasn’t. She hasn’t seen anything outside of restaurants, Walmart, Target, the hospital and her apartment. Oh, and maybe some other random strip-mall stores.
9:00 Oh wah wah, it’s a 30 minute long journey through the cave and she’s all panicky because ‘what if something goes wrong in there?’ What nonsense.
9:17 Yes, hefalump goes pee on camera. Because she needs all that Vlogmas content, and nothing brings the Christmas spirit out en force more than pissing on camera.
But hey, at least she washes her hands after. I guess. BOOZE.
9:20 Now she’s talking about how it’s raining outside, how she has car anxiety (though with F/JFoNY:MGF,W it’s less than it’s ever been (FUCK YOU BECKY)) but it’s a million times worse when the roads are less than perfect and it’s night. She of course has to sing about it.
9:45 Oh noes, it’s raining! Wibblewibblewibble. She does some fake panic-breathing but then just grins and says ‘don’t worry, though. My baby’s a good driver.’ Le barf.
9:55 Need more content! She’s recording that they’ve stopped for gas and it’s still raining, but AL’s okay with it because it’s not ‘super crazy’. She’s now decided that she’s happy to be going to the cave. Then remembers that part of this 1.5 hour drive will be on the interstate, and now she’s all panicky again.
But yes, she’s ‘decided’ that she’s never been in a cave before. Though she’s been surrounded by them for years. And years. And years and years and years.
The lack of curiosity kills me.
10:25 Now she’s blathering at the camera ‘why am I talking about this?’ as she was just whining like a simpering buffoon about not liking that they’re going on the interstate in the rain at night. Then she loudly proclaims ‘You see, this is anxiety!’ No, AL. This is nervousness. Anxiety attacks that I have witnessed all seemed to have the following in common: hyperventilating to the point of being incapable of stringing together coherent sentences, sweating and violent tremors with trembling of the extremities. None of which are on display here.
She keeps blathering that she either shuts down or gets super chatty. Which is nervousness, not clinical anxiety. But whatever. AL tells us that her car anxiety is much better. And then she goes on to praise all things F/JFoNY:MGF,W (FUCK YOU BECKY).
And she doesn’t have her seatbelt on. Just noticed that and love it for her.
10:50 Oh, she’s playing cellphone games. The same phone game she blew tons of money on in the past. So she’s still blowing money on her cellphone games.
11:15 Well, F/JFoNY:MGF,W gets back in the car and turns on the car. AL says she’s got to get her seatbelt on and turns the camera off. I have my doubts.
11:36 Talking about the playlist they listened to on their way to the cave. ‘Summertime Sadness’ by Lana Del Rey. ‘Don’t Cry’ by Lil Wayne. ‘That’s How You Know’ by Nico & Vinz. ‘Alibi’ by Banks (AL says that anything by Banks is perfection). ‘U Got It Bad’ by Usher. ‘All The Time’ by Bahamas. Now I will simply say that none of these is the shit I listen to regularly, but whatever - however, why not any Christmas music on the way to a Christmas light display? Bleh. I am feeling rather Scroogy.
12:10 OMG, they saw two identical cars! The Universe is certainly broken! Whatever. They’re both white sedans. So RaRe. Looks like Honda Civics to me, possibly 2017-2019 range. Surely the most rare car in the continental United States.
12:15 We get a warning bout flashing lights. They’re in Louisville Kentucky, which AL can’t pronounce. She’s astounded that it’s an actual cave that you drive through because it’s ABSOLUTELY FUCKING ENORMOUS. AL is super excited. F/JFoNY:MGF,W mentions that her mother wants videos. AL ruins said video by continually chattering about all this shit.
13:23 Despite all her anxieties, she’s squealing excitedly and is pleased that they have bathrooms and everything.
13:44 So AL has decided no cheesy Christmas music, she’s going to ramble and talk about everything. She says it was the best 30 minutes ever, that she and F/JFoNY:MGF,W had so much fun, and she recommends it to everyone. She loved it because you never had to get out of your car. Mentions that neither she nor F/JFoNY:MGF,W had ever been in a cave, and they loved this shit.
I’ll admit that the megacavern is pretty damned cool and the decorations are nice as fuck, but AL is ruining this crap.
She’s blathering about how she wanted to put the camera away but wanted to record everything. She wanted to live in the molment but wanted to capture everything for memories, then goes off on a Zachery Michael imitation bit saying ‘I mean, like, ma’am. Ma’am! Who knew a cave wall could be a TV.’ Shaddup, AL.
15:35 She has to further wreck this shit by giving us a ‘little mini story time.’ Fucking hell, AL.
She blathers about how she found out that Santa isn’t real.
Here be my sperging that the Santa Claus of the commercial campaign by the Coca Cola campaign indeed is not real - there is no fat red-clothed man in a sleigh drawn by magical flying reindeer who builds toys in a castle at the North Pole. However, the basis of Santa Claus, St. Nicholas, was VERY real and his history is available online for all to enjoy. Read up on the Patron Saint of Children. It’s nice. When goblin’s other parent decided to screech about how Santa isn’t real when goblin showed interest in Santa (all the goblin’s classmates were at that age where Santa is the greatest thing ever), this crusty curmudgeon sat down with the goblin and some hot chocolate and went through the history of St. Nicholas and explained how we carry the actions of the good saint with us, gifting in anonymity as he did as to not draw any expectation for thanks and simply spread the joy of the season through selflessness. Goblin adores this and tells others about the real man behind Santa to this day.
Sperg complete, back to AL’s dipshitery. She’s going on about how her mother was pregnant during Christmas. AL was sleeping on the couch on Christmas Eve because she wanted to catch Santa. She was 8 years old. Says she was awoken because her mother was crying because her water broke while she was putting down Santa’s gifts under the tree.
A clever parent would’ve spun it as ‘Santa delivered them to us and asked us to place them, because he noticed in his mystic looking glass that someone was being a turd and not in bed like a good little girl should be. In fact, he told us to throw yours into the fireplace and give you coal instead, and just put your brothers’ gifts under the tree.’ But her parents were probably high on meth, so whatever.
Anyway, AL acted like she was still asleep, but that’s how she found out that Santa’s not real, because her mother went into labor while putting presents under the tree.
16:50 Waxes on about how she had a terrible childhood, but some parts still make her smile, and says that even though Santa’s fake (do your research, AL) that doesn’t mean that the spirit of Christmas is (my withered black heart might agree with you here, except it’d rage more about overcommercialization or some bullshit like that).
She says that once she found out and got a little older, Santa became the Christmas Spirit and it’ll always be present and be well. Wraps up this shit with a white ‘Happy Holidays’ placard.
17:20 Alright, she pries herself out of the cave while praising the light display. Then pronounces that they’re at Burlington Coat Factory (except it’s now just called Burlington). They’re going to go shopping for gifts for some ‘family members of mine’ (said while holding her sausage fingers to her face in a v-for-peace/victory sign a la Judy Valentine, she of the gargantuan neck). She’s out of breath as she hurples along and happily talks about how it’s not raining and she’s sweltering because it was warm in the car and might remove her jacket.
18:25 Oh no! Burlington closed ‘a couple hours earlier than they said they were going to,’ or AL didn’t check the store hours for that particular location. They’re going to TJ Maxx instead.
18:40 Fucking hell, sing-singing as she looks at the jewelry. And now she’s got to touch everything.
Cookie palette - instantly has her attention. She paws at it. It’s so kyuuuut.
Giant candle - sniffs, le nope face, smells like an old lady’s house (aka: doesn’t smell like food)
And that’s all we get.
19:01 Back on the couch! It’s apparently ‘super late’ but she didn’t want to cook dinner, so she’s going to show off her SHOOO GUUUUUD food from BJ’s. Starts off with cheese sticks which she’s going to share with F/JFoNY:MGF,W, who is the one to use the marinara sauce. Because our gorl is a dry gorl, after all.
AL attempts to impress us by proclaiming that she gave F/JFoNY:MGF,W one of the two cookies from Jimmy Johns earlier, because they’re both FAT and need cookies in their faces.
More BJs shit - mashed potatoes and salmon, which apparently is the best thing ever. AL says she’s massively craving it. At least it’s not demolished by a block of garlic salt. Salmon comes with rice. She proclaims she doesn’t have a drink or a desert.
FUCKING SHIT, AL. Yes, she takes a bite of her food and does her open-mouthed chewing and fatty blubber-dance after she and F/JFoNY:MGF,W do a lame, off-key singalong of ‘you got what I need’.
‘Slappity slap slap!’ goes AL, and F/JFoNY:MGF,W answers with ‘slap slap.’ I wanna slap slap ‘em both.
20:13 AL questions F/JFoNY:MGF,W about what she’s most thankful for today. F/JFoNY:MGF,W goes ‘uuuuummmmm’ and AL goes ‘besides me’ and narcity narc snarks that ‘she always wants to say me.’
F/JFoNY:MGF,W answers ‘the babies,’ aka the pets. AL has to give a nauseating squeal that they’re so sweeeeeeet.
F/JFoNY:MGF,W flips the question, and as AL open-mouth chews I expect her to say she’s grateful for the food. She says ‘my job.’ Which is dumb. This is all performative for her audience. She stuffs more shit into her face before saying ‘I’m going to go eat,’ like that isn’t what she’s actively doing on camera.
21:03 Advent calendar time. It’s the cat one. Opens day 9, and it’s a blue and red rattle ball with a string with a bell on it.
AL shakes it around like a retard and squeals that Rarity is ready to pounce, because she looks interested from her basket atop the cat tree. You hear the clunk of the toy being thrown, and Rarity settles back into her comfy seat without a fucking care. AL is astonished that the cat didn’t do as expected. She proclaims that the cat’s spoiled, but that’s okay because ‘Momma luuuuuuuvs’ and I gag.
21:36 Gah, now it’s the PlayDoh shit. She gets a die cutter on top of a green tub of PlayDoh to facilitate making holly leaves. She is excited because she was expecting green soon.
And because this turbo tard can’t wait to follow directions, she makes a shitty cluster of holly leaves with a huge red ball that I think is supposed to be a singular berry and a snowflake thing with some sprinkles. Looks like crap, but better than that soul-sucking deer or the snowman of sadness from the last video. AL explains that she has no idea what’s happening - says the green holly leaves are indeed leaves, the red berry is ‘a plant of some sort’ and, pointing at the snowflake, ‘it decided to snow.’
Take any artistic appreciation and shit on it, AL. Good job.
22:15 Comment of the day bullshit. Puts in a random video and spergs about it having 664 comments, commenting that it’s 2 away from a ‘not so good number.’ Yes.
Comment by M becca: Keep making boxes for the needy you have the funds to make this a regular thing. Also a suggestion from a former homeless person - make feminine hygiene kits to donate.
22:59 White placard reading ‘Happy Holidays’ (same one she put at the end of her cave decorations segment), and she voices over it, saying that the feminine hygiene kits is a great idea so she’s going to do that. AL says that donating is special to her so if you have the money or extra shit in your apartment, it’s a good thing to do.
Then she keeps prattling on that it’s real late and that by this time of night, she normally has Vlogmas edited and ready to go for the next night but she’s fallen behind. She hopes we enjoyed it. She does her retarded kissy outro without the video of her ducking her lips at us - but there’s a flash of it once the white placard goes away to make way for her stupid black Vlogmas 2022 bullshit title card.
vlogmas day 9
. Back to Amber are there any good surgeons and hospitals in Mexico City she could go to? I mean there are plenty of rich people there who don’t necessarily want to fly to the US to pay our prices and certainly there are many many gorditas de muerte that need bariatric surgery too no? Curious to know
