Oh, we’re still going!
May not be up to snuff - am pre-drunk. Went out. Had a fuckwhack of champagne. Autocorrect’s gonna fuck with me. But here we go anyway!
0:00 ‘Hey guise!’ Hey, AL. ‘Welcome to Vlogmas day 10.’ Fuck your intro.
0:23 AL is proud she made it to double digits. Yay. Wonder how long this’ll last.
0:33 You know that book club idea/read along with her idea of the VC Andrews read along shit? Fuck off! She ain’t bothered starting it. Books is good for the brain, but her brain is filled with marshmallow fluff so there ain’t no room for that shit right now, yo.
0:40 Reminds us that yesterday F/JFoNY:MGF,W gave her a ton of scratchers. I am distracted by her shag carpet cardigan thing. I want to hit it with a lint roller repeatedly. But she tells us that she scratched all of them.
1:05 Shows us a huge wad of scratchers that were all losers. Then shows us a thinner stack of scratchers that are apparently not losers. Of course, AL is feminizing this shit, because LESBEAN and she has no other personality trait. I wanna punch her flubber-noggin every time she does this, but I fear I’d have no skin left on my knuckles after a lone hour with this twat. Anyway, fucktard says ‘what’s a famous number around my channel?’ Then answers it saying ’89 elbees. I won $89.” Seeing as how the general pricing places a whole book at $300 and this is a half-book so $150… talk about a waste of money. AL does have to show off her autistic counting system and explain it like it’s the work of a genius and not tracking like a 4 year old learning his/her numbers would do.
2:08 ‘I’m trying to decide. Do I want to keep $89 or do I want to get more scratchers?’ Your household’s already lost money. I’d say arrest the bleeding, but this is AL, so… (and yeah, she gives no answer)
2:16 Now it’s time for F/JFoNY:MGF,W to open a gift. AL explains that they put the gifts in order because they want to open the best gifts last. So apparently the shit she squealed about yesterday isn’t the best? Ugh. Sure.
2:52 F/JFoNY:MGF,W removes the cellophane to find a ‘she hefty’ box with what appears to be grenade-shaped bottles of hot sauce. AL explains that she’d gotten her this hot sauce shit before. It’s ‘The General’s Hotsauce’ and she got maple bacon or something. They’re going to have it with meatballs. I’ll say that’s not a bad gift. At least F/JFoNY:MGF,W sounds excited about this one.
4:25 AL got an Amazon packet - got a snow kit. So she wants to make snow. Dumbass is excited and ready to make a full 2 gallons of fake snow.
5:10 Now it’s time to watch her fuck this shit up. She guffaws that the scoops are ‘teeny tiny teeny tiny.’ She dumps four scoops into a large bowl and then pours in some water. F/JFoNY:MGF,W has to touch it while AL talks about hating how it smells. F/JFoNY:MGF,W tells AL to touch it, and she fucking guffaws about it. There’s retarded finger-locking shit on camera as they both paw at super-powdery fake snow that’s utterly useless. F/JFoNY:MGF,W suggests a snow fight, and AL whines that she doesn’t like how it smells.
I’ll just flail here about this powder being dry as fuck and incapable of being formed into a decent weapon for a snow fight, so they’d be better off just lobbing powdered sugar at each other.
6:18 AL decides she needs to build a snowman. And then she discovers that it doesn’t stick because it’s not wet, just like I just flailed about. She truly has zero real-world experience. It’s almost sad. I’d pity this chick if it weren’t AL. And I can’t believe that F/JFoNY:MGF,W agreed with AL’s suggestion, because being from New York this bitch has definitely experienced snow, and should be more than aware that it has to have a modicum of moisture to be usable. This is a decorative gimmick and nothing more.
6:28 AL and F/JFoNY:MGF,W are still going on about how it feels ‘shoooo guuuud.’
6:48 AL is now on camera. She’s going to do a Torrid haul. She professes that the Black Friday sale was insane (and F/JFoNY:MGF,W echoes that off camera - so I take it that Jade, being a fatty fat herself, is now a Torrid regular? Lolz). Haul shit:
*Gray t-shirt, size 6. She mistakingly calls it black at first, when it’s actually gray with a black stripe down the sleeve.
*White cardigan, size 4. AL says she wants them to be shorter. Says the feeling is incredible. It’s an ivory eyelash shrug. She can’t find the tag to read the material. Also has a black one.
*Crappy blouse, size 6. Looks blue. She says it’s green in person. It’s sheer so I cry.
*Hot pink dress that’ll be worn as a shirt, size 4. Shows that it has a zipper and says she loves a good zipper IT’S NOT A FUCKING MOLMENT YOU DUMB BUCKET OF CRISCO.
*Another blouse that’s sheer, size 6. It’s black with more black sparkly shit.
*T-shirt, size 6. Black with lacy leaves and a polkadot pattern.
*Dress, red, size 4. Top is sheer. She has to ask F/JFoNY:MGF,W if sheer is the right word for sheer. Shows that it has a lace-up back.
*Dress, size 6. Sparkly rose gold shit. Then she says it’s a shirt. Shirt or dress? (F/JFoNY:MGF,W doesn’t like that one)
*Floral shirt. AL says she’s not a floral gal despite every fucking thing she wore for about 2 years being floral. Back has a tying situFUUUUUUUUUUUCK YOOOOOOOOOOU. She is cracking herself up by calling attention to sheer fabric over the chest, calling it ‘chest piece’. Because she’s so quirky and shit and is trying to redirect from her being an idiot years ago and wearing her shirt backwards, thinking that the back straps were a chest piece. Fails to give a size for that.
Blathers for a moment about how some people don’t like try-on videos, but ask her if you want it and whatever. Whines that people should let her exist and she has a right to show off her body if she desires. And I have a right to ponder if I should add to my inebriation right now. It’s a good thing the liquor cabinet is far and the couch is very cozy. And my feet don’t exist right now. Otherwise I’d go for it.
Fuck, she’s still blathering about how she should be allowed to put her body in thumbnails and show it off and shit. She’s going down the ‘you wouldn’t see a skinny person being told you just want to show off your body in thumbnails!’ except THAT ALWAYS HAPPENS, AL. But she won’t acknowledge that because she’s on her fat-shame train and fuck reality, y’all.
Shit, another thing. She got a size 5 dress. It’s a sparkly looking sack of shit. It is metallic silver and black vertical stripes with dangly bits of metallic silver. At least that’s what it looks like to my tired, drunk eyeballs. AL proclaims it probably won’t fit her and that she should’ve gotten it in a size 6, but she’ll try it on. It won’t matter because it’ll be a shirt just like everything else she bought.
11:53 AL opens with ‘we bought a home. We bought a house.’ And then pans over to the cardboard box that F/JFoNY:MGF,W is holding. They open it and yes, it’s a cardboard child house. F/JFoNY:MGF,W suggests that they title the video ‘we bought a house’ because clickbait is the shiznit, amirite? AL sing-songs ‘child regression!’ And they love it for them.
12:35 Twonk on the couch. AL shoves the camera in her face. AL doesn’t say a damned thing, so this moment is sweet.
12:43 F/JFoNY:MGF,W is filming again and AL is griping that she needs to make sure that she’s not dark. Once again, AL, get you a ring light from the Goodwill. AL says she’s trying to teach F/JFoNY:MGF,W how to vlog before going into a retard moment proclaiming that she’s a construction worker for hire, and she doesn’t have many openings but whatever.
13:20 If you prize your eardrums, mute here. AL bursts into bullshit loud screechy singing.
Actually, if you value your eardrums, your eyes, your soul, your sobriety, just avoid her video in the first place.
If you don’t mute, turn down your volume. Especially if you wear headphones.
All that’s happening here is that AL is putting together their ‘made for children with no creativity with shit already drawn on it’ cardboard house. There is a moment where F/JFoNY:MGF,W says ‘thumbnail’ and AL poses (and yes, that’s the thumbnail), completely striking away once more the ‘I don’t pick my thumbnails, YouTube does that’ argument she tried to engage in years ago.
13:43 AL is confused. Says this is for the cats, and she is having tons of trouble actually building this shit. She doesn’t get it. Because she can’t follow directions. F/JFoNY:MGF,W tells her that AL’s confusion is why F/JFoNY:MGF,W is the construction worker. AL whines ‘the things I freaking do for Vlogmas!’ because building a cardboard house is hard.
14:40 Fuck me, Cranes. Cranes. That’s how she pronounced Crayons when pondering if they are supposed to use markers or crayons to color their retard house. Cranes.
14:57 Someone needs to throat punch AL. F/JFoNY:MGF,W says ‘sing it, Mariah!’ So AL naturally has to be a billion times worse by proclaiming that she should be an opera singer (I actually agree with F/JFoNY:MGF,W when she laments this by groaning ‘oh Lord.’). AL proceeds to agitate my tinnitus once more by bursting into operatic singing that would’ve gotten her pelted with rotten produce and then marched to the nearest guillotine back when culture mattered. Rarity ran the fuck away.
15:36 AL gives up. F/JFoNY:MGF,W takes over building the stupid house.
LOOK AT THIS FUCKING HEIFER LOLZ
Anyway, she goes to build it without instructions, probably because they have no idea where they went.
15:53 AL has to ruin Rarity moment by baby-talking at her. Rarity squeaks adorably because she’s a sweet kitty and gives the fat meat mitten a head bunt.
16:02 Wasabi! He looks over at AL blandly as she tries to baby-talk at him. He comes over as AL calls him, and Rarity just squeak-mews and intercepts the head scritches.
16:28 AL waddles around while filming the bottom of her additional chins. She asks F/JFoNY:MGF,W if they can have a Wifey reveal as she pops out of it. F/JFoNY:MGF,W says ‘yeah, of course.’ AL cackles like a moron, then shows the inside of the box. It’s… a box. The ‘roof’ isn’t even assembled yet. Sloppy jump-cut, and AL proclaims F/JFoNY:MGF,W did it as they struggle to open the flimsy cardboard door. Roof is now assembled. AL says ’it’s an actual ginger bread house’ and then says it’d be cool in a kindergarten or first grade classroom. Rarity marches right in, then wanders out.
17:17 At least the cats are wandering in to check it out. They don’t stay in it for long. AL prattles about putting blankets and a bad and toys in there, then says it’s only for Christmas time and that she and F/JFoNY:MGF,W want to color it.
17:54 Now we’re on a still image that AL is voicing over, her greasy hair tied back and headphones on her giant fat-melon. She tells us in said voice-over that she and F/JFoNY:MGF,W just woke up from a 3 hour nap, rather like Gilligan and the crew of the USS Minnow. Oh wait, that was a 3 hour tour, not a 3 hour nap. My bad. Anyway, AL says she’s looking rough. Whatever.
18:03 Whines that people have been coming at her about the headphones as she takes them off, then proclaims that she’s going to taste-test shrimp flavored chips. Writing on the package appears to be Korean, but I could be wrong as I can barely read English at this moment in time and I’m typically fluent in it.
18:20 I… what…? ALsays ‘If you know anything about me, you know I like the flavor of shrimp, but I don’t like the texture of shrimp.’ Gorl. Shrimpgate would like a fucking word with you. We all remember you downing a fucking party platter of them. In fact, she even puts in a damned image of her grinning like a fat goober with her shrimp platter, saying she has a love hate situa… it’s not a damned situation, you retarded insult to the lowest primates on the planet.
18:30 Sniffs it. She says it smells like onion. Says it smells like a knock-off Funyon, and ‘I love me a Funyon.’ AL, you love anything in a package. She is disappointed with how they look, too. Looks about as enthusiastic as a two-year-old handed a broccoli floret when he/she’s been begging for a cookie. Anyway, she expected them to be shaped like shrimp, like they’re some goldfish bullshit or something.
19:11 Fucking hell. Takes a bite, open-mouth lip-smacking and rapid-chewing. Her eyes spring open, then squeeze shut as she ponders what she’s munching on. She sticks her tongue out a few times, then grumps ‘This isn’t shrimp-flavored’ before ramming it back in her face.
aka: her demolished tastebuds didn’t recognize the flavor of processed shrimp.
19:20 Predictable. OMG THESE ARE SHOOOO GUUUUUUD. Our food critic, folks. With all the open-mouth chewing, speaking while her mouth is full, et cetera. Oink oink.
19:30 Now going off on the calorie content. 230 calories for the bag. Because most of it is air. I almost miss Keto Qweeeen so she could tell us that is has x-number carb. Not grams, just bleh carb. Anyway, she says she’s going to do her Weight Watcher points because she’s curious.
19:41 Stretching for content - she gripes that her neighbors are so loud, but she’s not a Karen so she actually kind of likes it unless they’re arguing and nobody cares.
19:44 8 points for the bag. She says that’s not bad, and then keeps munching them while commenting that they don’t taste like shrimp and she loves the texture. ‘This is a texture like if you decided to eat the inside of a mattress.’ And with that stunning critique, I never want to find these and sample them. Ugh.
20:07 Now… she’s filming her laptop screen. She’s watching Tammy Lemon’s livestream. I dunno who this is, just some dumpy lookin’ fat chick. Whatever. A few seconds and a jump-cut later, she’s watching Christina Randall. Another chick I dunno. Thin white chick. Does true crime things. The episode AL is watching is about the Idaho killings ‘of those University students.’ I think she needs to be more specific.
20:34 Cat advent calendar shit. It’s the other half to the fish they got before. AL decides to just toss it into Rarity’s bed, because Rarity won’t leave for a lamebrain toy because ‘she’s become spoiled’ or some shit. Or she’s a cat and she’s gotten enough shit that she’s bored with what you’re doing. You could try throwing a bone to Wasabi every now and again, poor boy. Anyway, Rarity is startled by the fish-ass flying at her - the toy falls short and falls on the ground.
21:06 PlayDoh advent calendar shit. A wreath IT’S NOT A FUCKING MOLMENT YOU SACK OF BLUBBERY ANAL DISCHARGE. There’s a tub of yellow.
21:15 Shows off her lame door that is crooked and doesn’t have good lines carved into it. She made a shitty present with a holly leaf stuck to it and a wreath is pressed to the door, made of green PlayDoh with a yellow PlayDoh ribbon and some sprinkle shit on it. I liked yesterday’s better. This looks lazy and the cutting is ragged on the edges of the rectangle forms. As a side note, in the world of AL it’s pronounced reef. Like what you find off the coast in Australia or in the waters of the Caribbean. Reef, like the aquarium I used to run years ago before deciding to transition back to freshwater because promotions led to less available time for aquarium husbandry. Reef. GAH.
21:49 Pasta from the restaurant BJs. Also has a garlic knot in the takeout container. Shrimp scampi with no shrimp. Comes with tomatoes but AL orders it without tomatoes. My temples are throbbing, and I’m uncertain if that’s because I’m still moderately tipsy or if she’s just murdering my few remaining braincells with her ridiculousness.
22:05 Comment shit. AL realizes she forgot to show her face while answering the comment of the day. I don’t give a shit. Her video she’s using has 530 comments.
Comment by chooner: 15:36 “Do you guys ever leave the house and not wanna come back home” Gorl no one is holding you hostage in that damn house. You have free will to leave and do things whenever you want but you choose not to.
AL says she leaves the house almost daily (didn’t leave that day, though). Says she was enjoying being out, but she has responsibilities at home and had to come home and the big one is editing Vlogmas and getting it up. She has fucking glitter on her eyelashes that almost distracted me from her retarded kissy outro.