Amberlynn Reid - 600 pound pathological liar and U-Haul lesbian moving in with her next live-in maid/nurse/girlfriend.

[Boolean Bitch]

The Astrometics Lab is picking up two Trojan Planets not previously recorded on any of our starcharts? ...

*** VLOG ALERT!! ***
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=22hUxCDsdMU
Invidious: https://yewtu.be/watch?v=22hUxCDsdMU
Archive: Stand by (working on it) Edit: can't attach the video :-(

Plot Summary with Commentary! When we last left our Witless Wonder, Amber was spending half of her video talking about how she didn't want to talk about what happened at her Doctor's appointment. The other half was trying to gaslight her audience and prove them wrong on things that they weren't wrong about. What's up today? I imagine nothing good. TAKE US IN!!

Spoiler: mothers day with family, fornite with Zachary Michael, & tjmaxx haul! | vlog

"Hello, welcome to a new vlog". Improper intro - pure disappointment.

Perfume talk *SKIP*. Billy Ellish talk *SKIP*

JUMPCUT!! Hurpling action at TJ Maxx. She's SO EXCITED that the Granny Grappler gets to experience Amber touching random fugly tat *TOUCH TOUCH TOUCH*. Amber waddles out with bags stuffed. Prepare for an upcoming haul.

JUMPCUT!! Hurpling action at Hobby Lobby because Kristine wants to get something. *TOUCH TOUCH TOUCH*. Yet more tat-- HEY, It's a new ring for Ambo (a napkin ring). LOL, Amber just said that her haydurs would say this is her ring size!! LOLOL. GG, Amber, GG!!

JUMPCUT!! Back home and totally stoned outta her gourd. Tomorrow is Mother's Day!

PLACARD: Next day

JUMPCUT!! In front of the bookcase. It's MOTHER'S DAY, so the Reid clan is going to celebrate by going to Texas Roadhouse. Oooh, it's been awhile since we've seen Amber get shoe leather from a restaurant. But first....

TJ MAXX HAUL!! Ambo got: fugly pink plastic tumblers, fugly pink D6 candle, fugly pink glasses, and fugly giant clear makeup bag. Careful with all of this shopping, Ambo; you no longer have a thumb-butler to clear out your hoard for you.

JUMPCUT!! Amber's grocery cart arrived and she's going to put it together on camera.... except it's not a grocery cart - it's a folding wagon. OMG, residents of OKC - you have an OBLIGATATION to post pictures of Ambo pulling this thing around if you encounter her in the wild!

*THIS* is what you were supposed to get:

FREEZE FRAME!!

Not this. I guess Amber buys such a horrifying amount of food every few days that she needs something large enough to haul a full-sized human around in. (Oh yeah, Rarity and Twinkie sighting - 2 of 3 pets accounted for).

Amber was confused about how to screw it together as she's never screwed in her entire life as she's not a tool girlie pop - but she figured it out. Amber states that she's not supposed to carry heavy things because of her hernia.

FREEZE FRAME!!

Two newly discovered Trojan Planets orbiting around Amber. (Trojan planets are two planets of similar size which follow the exact same orbit around a larger celestial body - see, watching Amber isn't a COMPLETE waste of braincells!)

OOH!!!! GRANNY GRAPPLING ACTION!! WWE SMACKDOWN 2!! The Granny Grappler and the GorliePlop tag team the Birth Canal!... GO GRANNY GO!!! HIT AMBO WITH THE FOLDING CHAIR!! ... Oh, disregard; it was just a group hug. Sorry, false alarm. Amber cackles hysterically at Kristine's revelation that her boyfriend is, in fact, a "mother fucker". *SKIP*

FREEZE FRAME!!

Welcome to The Farms, Birth Canal (and you can thank Aunt Tammie for that nickname)... Just realized: even 1/4 of her size Granny has bigger boobs than Amber. How unfortunate.

JUMPCUT!! Taking the pork out for some beef at Texas Roadhouse. Blink and you'll miss it.

JUMPCUT!! Back in Amber's natural habitat (on her couch). Blathering about camera angles. Amber carb loaded with rice and mashed potato to go with her shoe-leather at Texas Roadhouse. Amber's living the molment she always wished for - having her mother in her life. Just ignore the fact that Amber only actually wanted this once she exhausted the ENTIRE SELECTION of morbidly obese, slow-in-the-mind, lesbian slugs in the US who would put up with her stinky personality and even stinkier fupa.

Amber claims to have met ANOTHER subscriber at Texas Roadhouse. Pics or didn't happen, Ambo.

JUMPCUT!! Poetry book blathering. Poetry book organizing - where she has already started to find doubles in her hoard.

JUMPCUT!! More bullshit questions.
1) Amber wasn't wearing her seatbelt in the car because they were parked.
2) Amber's thinking of posting Fortnite gameplay (I'm not covering that. Fuck off, you can't make me).
3) Amber thinks her hair length is genetic.
4) Amber interrupts this question to tell her audience that if you look up and say 'cucumber... cucumber' when you feel like sneezing, you won't sneeze (don't worry - the question wasn't important). It was involving playing Fortnite with Zach if he wants to (just so she could use a minute of his clip to stretch out her video).
5) Amber stopped getting her nails done because (Karina Kaboom reminded Amber that) Amber's a lesbian.

Okee, byee!!!

TL;DR: Instead of a grocery trolley, Ambo buys one of those folding wagons (that you use to haul kids around in), in order to hold her groceries. Amber goes to Texas Roadhouse with Kristine, Gramma-Kris, and Kristine's BF - monetizing pictures of Kristine and Gramma. Amber organizes her poetry books and realizes that she's bought doubles. TJ MAXX and Hobby-Lobby hurpling and haul of fugly tat. Kristine confirms that her boyfriend is, in fact, a 'Mother Fucker' (you're welcome).

 

[catbyte]

Grandma's gonna outlive them both.

With a generational weight trend like this, it's a good thing that Amberlynn can't procreate.

 

[Diet Coke 4 Life]

Archive: Stand by (working on it)

Got'cha, fam.
Potato archive because fuck doing any better:

Spoiler: word about archiving rn while the farms is being a cockblocking bitch

ETA: for those having issues getting archives to load, sometimes just having TOR browser open to the onion variant of the page you're attempting to update will force the archive to actually load in the .st site upon refresh. It's weird, but it's worked for the last few weeks on my end.

If that refreshing tip doesn't work, TOR is more reliable for actually getting media files to attach. It just takes about 1.2 billion years. I just drink to pass the time if it comes down to doing an actual TOR upload (this time, the 'tor open, logging in on onion forces attachment to properly load, refresh the .st to make it pop and post like normal' trick worked so no reason to get the vodka out.)

 

[Thumb Butler]

Damn, Amber really fats up the people circling her orbit.

 

[SkeebyPebbles_14!?]

Or just makes you feel so ill , it either puts you off eating, or as a cautionary tale, helps you work past the fact that you are restricting your own eating so you don’t end up as big as the super morbidly obese creators. I’ve certainly NEVER binged after watching one of them, although I may have run to the bathroom for fear I might throw up.

that's honestly a great way of looking at it, imma try that.

 

[I call shenanigans]

With a generational weight trend like this, it's a good thing that Amberlynn can't procreate.

A prime example of “exponential growth” doubling every generation. My guess is grandma is 150lb (she’s a shortie), Kristine is an easy 300lb, and Amber is around 600lb these days. I have no doubt she’s been lying in weighins since moving to Oklahoma City.

 

[Hippy Dippy]

She can read! ”Y’all, they’re pink acrylic HB acrylic tumblers.” I wonder if she’s figured out yet what the HB stands for.

 

[dogpill]

She can read! ”Y’all, they’re pink acrylic HB acrylic tumblers.” I wonder if she’s figured out yet what the HB stands for.

She's a very vocabulated gorlypop, it obviously stands for "hootenberry" in her mind.

 

[Jerome Saunders]

I hope Amber is jealous of her moms big titties and slim thighs, its like Amber in reverse lol

 

[Atrax_Morgue_Dat_Pussy]

What's the age difference between Granny and Big Al? These people breed like rabbits. Thank god for addiction. The future gene pool will be saved from any Reid contamination (unless the brothers somehow procreated which wouldn't surprise me.)

 

[GorlWorld_Garden]

What's the age difference between Granny and Big Al? These people breed like rabbits. Thank god for addiction. The future gene pool will be saved from any Reid contamination (unless the brothers somehow procreated which wouldn't surprise me.)

Now that you've mentioned, she never said anything about being an aunt, so I don't think her brothers have any children, and given the family record that's probably for the best.

 

[a hapless toad]

What's the age difference between Granny and Big Al? These people breed like rabbits. Thank god for addiction. The future gene pool will be saved from any Reid contamination (unless the brothers somehow procreated which wouldn't surprise me.)

Kristine was born 2/7/1969 and Genie was born 11/7/1950, so she was 40 when ALR was born.

 

[Boolean Bitch]

Now that you've mentioned, she never said anything about being an aunt, so I don't think her brothers have any children, and given the family record that's probably for the best.

I think Amber said a while ago that Tony's GF had a baby or was expecting. Brother #2 (the one Amber 'saved') is still MIA (and presumed to be HIDING from the Reids), and Brother #3 (who was born while Amber was in Foster care), has recently been sniffing around but there was no mention of children.

What's the age difference between Granny and Big Al? These people breed like rabbits. Thank god for addiction. The future gene pool will be saved from any Reid contamination (unless the brothers somehow procreated which wouldn't surprise me.)

@a hapless toad posted the family tree here: https://kiwifarms.net/threads/amberlynn-reid.23570/post-18281974 and the ages/dates in the police report confirm these ages. Genie (gramma-lynn) was born 1950. So turning 74 this year. And Kristine in 1969, which confirms her turning 55 this year.

As Amber turned 33 almost half a year ago (and as she is the oldest of Kristine's spawn), that would put Kristine becoming a mom at 21 and a half. So, young by 'average' standards, but far older than I was expecting.

Unfortunately, Aunt Tammie isn't in the tree (as the purpose of the tree was to identify Portuguese ancestory), so I don't know if she's a little older than Kristine, making Genie even younger than 18 when she became a mother - but she was 18 when she had Kristine.

Is that her most tragic outfit ever?

I think her black and white striped shirt with the teal 'dress' over top - or as I like to call it, the Beetlejuice Sandworm outfit, was her most tragic. Even her "kaminos" (kimonos) were worse than this. I'd rate this current one a 7/10.

 

[a hapless toad]

Unfortunately, Aunt Tammie isn't in the tree (as the purpose of the tree was to identify Portuguese ancestory), so I don't know if she's a little older than Kristine, making Genie even younger than 18 when she became a mother - but she was 18 when she had Kristine.

Oh sorry! Aunt Tammie was born 7/12/1971. Note that Genie and Robert Lee Smith got married in May 1968 in Reno, when Genie was 17. They got divorced in 1972. Genie went on to have at least three more husbands. Ahem.

 

[Boolean Bitch]

Oh sorry! Aunt Tammie was born 7/12/1971. Note that Genie and Robert Lee Smith got married in May 1968 in Reno, when Genie was 17. They got divorced in 1972. Genie went on to have at least three more husbands. Ahem.

Shotgun wedding! (And possibly a bit of a statutory eavesdropping of rain petals! )

So... Amber IS the most normal of her direct lineage. Possibly even most normal of her entire family.... Well, actually second. (Edit: no, maybe she's just par - I forgot about her own little rain petals thing) Tammie seems to be completely avoiding this shitshow which makes her the winner by default. Though "most normal" in this case is completely subjective. It's like trying to determine which is 'better' out of the options of elephant poop or hippo poop. Goddamn.

 

[a hapless toad]

Shotgun wedding! (And possibly a bit of a statutory eavesdropping of rain petals! )

Nah, I'd guess honeymoon baby. Kristine's birthdate calculates to a conception date of mid-May (unfortunately I don't know the exact date they got married but the license was announced in the paper on the 8th).

Tammie seems to be completely avoiding this shitshow which makes her the winner by default. Though "most normal" in this case is completely subjective.

I mean, Tammie DID come here years ago to spill the tea...but she also stopped so maybe she had a come to Jesus molment with herself.

(I have my own theory about Tammie but it's a bit off the wall and I don't have enough dox to prove it.)
Edit: Nevermind, I just attempted to prove it and instead I proved myself wrong. Yay!

Edit again: Aunt Tammie was the one who had the shotgun wedding, @Boolean Bitch!

 

[WalmartLipgloss]

Grandma's gonna outlive them both.

View attachment 5990070

With a generational weight trend like this, it's a good thing that Amberlynn can't procreate.

Well, shit hoot and a holler... these three look like three Appalachian sisters!

Methmama looks just like the long-lost twin of Mamie White from "Wild Whites of West Virginia"!
Although, I's be reckon Mamie White would blush at the comparison.

 

[Surprised Pikachu]

Whilst this is a particularly bad reaction from Mr Snowflake I’m posting it as he is hinting at Amber accusing a foster carer of sexual abuse. Said he will reveal it in a couple weeks and that the accusation is in her Ask FM’s??

(The first few minutes are pretty funny though, especially the comments he makes regarding Kristine and TK Maxx).

 

[TardiX]

I just wanted to see exactly where her layyg outline is since she always wears black pants so I just lightened the image and...wow. I expected them to be more evenly split I guess but she's doing that pose with one leg more in front and foot towards the camera

 

[Turd Fergusson]

I just wanted to see exactly where her layyg outline is since she always wears black pants so I just lightened the image and...wow. I expected them to be more evenly split I guess but she's doing that pose with one leg more in front and foot towards the camera

It is clear that from these pictures that Amber has not loss any weight and her legs seems to be getting worse. There is absolutely no way that unless she is enrolled in a medically supervised weight loss programme, Amber's attempt to lose weight on her own will fail. I think that she went to a clinic to obtain Ozempic but they refused.