This clip is a great example of why I didn't want to continue making Sequelitis.
I had an interest in game design, and I had an interest in publicly talking about it, but my thing was comedy, and cartoons. So that's how I did the show... as a cartoon comedy. My schtick was loud characters, and chaotic shouting. Every topic in Sequelitis was shouted at full volume. Every little design choice I thought was smart was "fucking genius" and every minor annoyance I had was a full on meltdown rant. Some things I complained about didn't even piss me off, I just thought they were interesting to bring up. But I exaggerated them for the sake of comedy because I didn't really know how to make them funny otherwise.
And I'm sure because I was young and insecure, I had a morbid desire to shake things up... Ocarina was an untouchable game, a 10/10 across the board, and I think being provocative about that appealed to me back then, too. But I love Ocarina. I grew up with it. I genuinely did want to have a discussion about the things that didn't age well, because I think that's interesting. I think we can learn a lot from that. But I dunno... I just don't think I felt confident enough to talk about it with the appropriate tone, so I hid behind what I knew: a cartoon character that shouts.
This carried into Game Grumps... I had been doing Game Grumps for like 3 years when I released the Zelda video. I think the lines blurred for the audience because at that point I was "Arin Hanson," not Egoraptor. But Arin on Game Grumps is also a character. If I'm getting frustrated and shouting at a game on the show, it's for the bit. It's a show. Heightened emotions. And the go-to bit for me was saying "this game sucks, it's bad" and going on rants. The intent was to play the buffoon. But I think people just thought that was me.
And that's fine. I don't blame them. It is "me," there's always some truth behind that sort of stuff. And I think it was extra confusing because I WOULD just be normal sometimes on the show. But you may notice recently I've very deliberately changed how I handle those bombastic moments on Grumps, where I point the finger inward now. "I suck, I messed up, I can't believe I didn't see that, what an idiot, etc." I just didn't like the bad energy I was putting out there. I hated that people saw me that way. It disturbed me that people told me "wow, you're actually really nice" all surprised when they met me in person, as if they assumed I'd rip their head off.
And look, I'm not gunna pretend I'm an angel on the show now, the schtick of "buffoon that is easily angered" comes very easy to me when I'm performing, so I still utilize it constantly. But I usually find a way to channel it inward and be the butt of the joke, instead of just radiating it outward. It's funnier that way.
I think I just assumed this was all obvious. You see how I tweet. You've seen interviews. I don't talk like I do on the show, or in my cartoons. I like being supportive of people and I like discussing things. I don't shout in my normal life. So when I see people characterizing me as this idiot who has no patience and sucks at playing Zelda... it sounds so silly but it just honest to goodness hurts my feelings sometimes. I love game design! I love video games! But, I get it. All you can see of me in my shows and cartoons is this loudmouth asshole who says your favorite game sucks. Like, fuck that guy, right? I think that's valid. I think you're right to feel that way. I think I was playing fast and loose with this character and I was being flippant about how frustrated it made people. I regret that.
I suppose I should have thicker skin about this. And yeah... it feels so benign in the grand scheme of things. Who cares if people are circulating an 11 year old clip from a cartoon I made and saying "wow this guy's a moron." It shouldn't matter. Why should I care? But I guess I just have to admit that I do care sometimes, and it just kinda bums me out. I cared a lot about game design back then. It wasn't as prevalent as it is now. It was all dry GDC talks (which are, of course, wonderful). I found it really exciting to bring game design to light in a fun way for people that don't usually think about it. I hope I succeeded in that. But if I could go back, I think the in-your-face hyperbolic know-it-all character would go the way of the dodo. I suspect that aspect of it may have done some harm for game design discourse. And that sucks.
For the record, the waiting in Ocarina barely frustrates me. I think it's appropriate at times. The game feeling larger and more cinematic just kind of lends itself to moments of pause. Enemies are more sparse so making them "last longer" just kind of makes sense. Did I feel this way back then? I'm sure I did feel stronger that "waiting" was more frustrating... but not to the level in this clip, by any means. That's just being young and insecure, I guess. I felt like I had to beat my chest in order for anyone to listen or be interested in what I had to say.
