Bad Game Reviews - Did you actually play the damn game?

[KokoroKoroki]

I'm surprised a thread for reading ridiculous game reviews hasn't been made yet so I figured I'd start one myself and see where it leads.

Essentially all this thread is is posting a review of a game where it's obvious the reviewer was either:

1. Paid to write the review as the game itself is terrible and the reviewer is trying really hard to come up with any positives for the game
2. Not paying attention at all and gets the most basic game mechanics and plot points wrong leading to a bad review

You can post anything from a regular article from a game journalist to a shitty YouTube video essay, as long as the subject is a game review anything goes. It is also recommended you explain why the review is bad to help out people who haven't played the game in question.

I'll start with some low hanging fruit: IGN US's review of Worldwide Soccer Manager 2009.

The review itself was removed merely a day after it was posted due to how bad it was and even the archival websites weren't able to catch it in time, although the actual content of the review itself was able to be recovered.

Worldwide Soccer Manager 2009 Review
This game gets a red card, and possibly a lifetime ban.
by Avi Burk

December 5, 2008 - What sports fan doesn’t want to take control of his favorite team and guide it to a championship, or, better yet, a long string of championships? Well, if it means playing Worldwide Soccer Manager, you can count me in that number.

Worldwide Soccer Manager 2009 gives gamers the chance to manage and coach 5,000 soccer teams from 50 countries around the globe, giving them the chance to manage every aspect of their team’s roster, field questions from reporters at their team’s press conferences, and coach their teams in real time as each simulated game unfolds. What it doesn’t do, more importantly, is provide any compelling reason to keep “playing.”

Although the game’s database of more than 350,000 real-life soccer players is certainly impressive, only the most diehard fans of the sport would be able to appreciate having such a massive pool of talent to sift through, and the casual fan would almost certainly find the task overwhelming – I did.
This is a game solely intended for hardcore soccer fans.

The game’s incredibly complex menu system is very difficult to navigate, even with the on-screen help box directing you through the process. In short, this game is extremely difficult to simply pick up and play. If you’re unfamiliar with the franchise expect to spend a significant amount of time simply trying to figure out how to navigate the menus.

Worldwide Soccer Manager’s presentation problems don’t end there though, once you finally make it to your team’s first game you’ll find that the player renderings and animations are awful, and the stadiums you play in lack any kind of personality or detail. Each field is bordered by fences and what appear to be unfinished stands, which don’t have any fans in them. And, when the ball is kicked off of the pitch, it passes smoothly through the surrounding fences, right through the stands, and disappears from view only to return to the field in the same fashion, appearing magically from the stands and passing through the fences (and goals) on its way back into play.

Then there’s the sound, or lack thereof. There is no soundtrack that plays while you work in the game’s menus, which you’ll spend the vast majority of your time in this game doing. There is no audio narration to accompany your participation in press conferences, even though your options for how to respond to each question is incredibly limited. There is no audio commentary to accompany the action in the simulated game’s you watch/coach. In fact, the only sound we found in the entire game was the tones of fans cheering as each simulated game played out – which only detracts from the game’s feel of authenticity seeing as there are no fans rendered in the stands.
Worldwide Soccer Manager 2009 deserves a bicycle kick into the circular file.

As far as traditional gameplay goes, there really isn’t any in Worldwide Soccer Manager 2009. Apart from managing your roster and coaching your team, there really isn’t anything to do at all. So, unless you really enjoy clicking on menu buttons, you’ll find your interaction with this game extremely disappointing.

However, if you’re a big footie fan and big fan of sports simulation, you’ll be extremely impressed with the depth of Worldwide Soccer Manager, which allows you to control just about every facet of your team and draw from a player pool that is simply mindboggling.

Closing Comments
This game obviously aims to provide the deepest soccer simulation experience possible for the sport’s most passionate and informed fans, but it offers little to nothing that would appeal to a casual fan of the sport or to the average videogame enthusiast. The menus are complex and difficult to navigate, graphics are terrible, the sound is non-existent and there is no traditional gameplay to speak of. I couldn’t imagine why anybody would prefer Worldwide Soccer Manager to FIFA 09 or Pro Evolution Soccer 2009.

2/10

The game was given a 2/10 because the reviewer couldn't be bothered to read the blurb on the back of the box that tells you that the game is not like FIFA or PES so comparing them to each other is pointless, it boiled down to the game being given a bad score because he didn't understand what the game was about at all.

The staff wrote an apology after it was removed and later gave it another review done by someone else who actually knew what they were talking about, they gave it a 7.9

This one is relatively well known and was mocked and derided for the short while it was around so I'm curious about some other bad reviews that are worth laughing at.

 

[Tom Nook's Gloryhole]

Cyberpunk 2077.

The sheer amount of 10's and GOTY awards for a game they technically didn't play (it was an assisted demo) was insane.

 

[Kingu Cinnamon]

The IGN video review of Prey,

The entire video boils down to the reviewer liking the game overall with some minor gripes, but because their save data was corrupted they gave it a super low 4/10, keeping in mind that any AAA gets on average 7-10 from ign

This is despite that most people seemed to have a few technical issues with the game and the reviewer didn't make sure the problem was not on his end. It would be like a film critic saying a movie was shit because his video player ate VHS tape.

I expect that a lot of posts are going to be IGN related due to their ability to rate every bland fps or shitty art game as a 9/10 and any unique or games that make you use more than one brain cell a 6/10 or 7/10

Edit:

Cyberpunk is the most broken and bug-est games I have ever played and I say that as a TES fan. There were numerous game-breaking bugs as well as a pretty well-known memory leak issue that would cause even beefy pcs to lose frames the longer you played it, with my pc starting to struggle around the 1 - 2hr mark. The game also had a memory cap meaning you couldn't pick up too many items or complete the game or else you would lock yourself out of a save.

What did IGN give this broken glitchy abortion? 9/10

 

[Vyse Inglebard]

Cyberpunk 2077.

The sheer amount of 10's and GOTY awards for a game they technically didn't play (it was an assisted demo) was insane.

The Last of Us Part II, while we're at it.

Actually, for the 90s equivalent, the outright FAWNING over Rise of the Robots in the lead up to release was fucking insane.

– it looks set to herald a new standard in beat-’em-ups!’
Amiga Force – December ’93

A whole world has been created for Rise of the Robots; the concept revolves around that of a film rather than a normal game.
Amiga Force – December ’93

Does the world need another beat-’em-up? If it plays as well as Mirage’s forthcoming Rise of the Robots then the answer’s most definitely yes
The One Amiga, November ’93

 

[Miller]

That time Polygon thought that it was a good idea to have Ben Kuchera review a VR gun game.

 

[Vyse Inglebard]

That time Polygon thought that it was a good idea to have Ben Kuchera review a VR gun game.

View attachment 2866198

"I don't like guns......"

THEN WHY ARE YOU REVIEWING A GUN GAME?!

 

[Kingu Cinnamon]

"I don't like guns......"

THEN WHY ARE YOU REVIEWING A GUN GAME?!

Most (if not all) game journalists don't like video games or gamers and yet...

 

[Honored guest]

Have a blast from the past baby.

Holyshit its almost 10 years old

 

[Ruin]

Two from Skillup.

First up his his Cyberpunk 2077 review where he enthusiastically recommends it and even states it is "remarkably bug free." He didn't even have the decency to retract his review and apologize like fellow corporate shill Yong Yea did.

Secondly his Last of Us part II review, this one is actually negative but it's a very interesting review in that outside of plot spoilers he absolutely refuses to talk about Abby even repeatedly calling her "that character." It's like he knows she's shit but is too afraid of losing corporate sponsorships and attacked by sjws to say what everyone is thinking. It struck me as very dishonest. If you think something is shit say it's shit, Abby is shit, the game is shit.

 

[MadStan]

I used to Play Halo. Addictive plain and simple. I had to stop and throw away the game and console.

I am not sure I will ever find the same satisfaction in life ever again that comes with sneaking around a corner and hitting your pal with a "sticky" bomb stuck to the back of their head.

Some things just can not be topped.

 

[Grub]

Not so much a review but Dean Takahashi's(some gamejourno) video of cuphead after spending 26 minutes proving he doesn't actually know how to play video games then posts some cope after people went off at him is pretty funny.

Cuphead hands-on: My 26 minutes of shame with an old-time cartoon game

Preview Join gaming leaders, alongside GamesBeat and Facebook Gaming, for their 2nd Annual GamesBeat & Facebook Gaming Summit | GamesBeat: Into the Metaverse 2 this upcoming January 25-27, 2022. Learn more about the event. I suck at Cuphead. Let’s get this out of the way. But in my defense, the...

venturebeat.com

The DeanBeat: Our Cuphead runneth over

Join gaming leaders, alongside GamesBeat and Facebook Gaming, for their 2nd Annual GamesBeat & Facebook Gaming Summit | GamesBeat: Into the Metaverse 2 this upcoming January 25-27, 2022. Learn more about the event. Let’s start with an understatement. You may have heard that I failed miserably...

venturebeat.com

The Cuphead Cometh: 'Unskilled Gaming Is Authentic,' Says Dean Takahashi

Veteran games and tech journalist Dean Takahashi responds to the furor over his Cuphead tutorial with a nuanced, context-driven look at how the footage went viral and what lessons we can derive from the latest Twitter mob.

www.player.one

 

[DiceindaMirror]

This classic "placement text" from GameFan magazine which got printed:

 

[Agent Abe Caprine]

The Plugged In review for Devil May Cry 5 needs more recognition. How did this go under the radar? Review

Early on in Devil May Cry 5, we’re introduced to a mechanically gifted gal, named Nico, with a purring southern drawl and a penchant for constantly puffing cigarettes. After we see her light one up with a sly-eyed, cool-girl-next-door flourish, the DMC gamemakers take time to post a notice to players saying, “This game does not promote smoking or the use of cigarettes.”

That could be an earnest warning to young players, or just ironic humor. Especially since the hours and hours of grotesque dismemberment, gushing gore, dankly twisted spirituality and vulgar language that follow never get even the tiniest of frowns or disclaimers from the game or its makers. But however you take it, it’s definitely all of a piece with the wild-mess heart of a Devil May Cry game.

DEMON THIS, DEMON THAT​

The latest entry in this franchise centers around the devastating ways of half-demon-turned-demon-hunter Dante—a DMC mainstay. But the game actually spends most of its time jumping back and forth between the stories of a couple other sword-swinging leads.

There’s twentysomething demon-demolisher Nero, who wears a robotic arm, since most of his demon-infused left arm was ripped off by a mysterious baddie and turned into a powerful sword. He’s joined by a heavily tattooed, magic-imbued guy named V who fights via three different demon pets. And … well, it really doesn’t matter who the rest of the male and female “heroes” are. We don’t actually get to explore much of their backstory anyway.

The central thrust of the story is that this group of pretty, young demonic and human battlers is out to face down and best a powerful “demon king” named Urizen. Turns out he’s caused a writhing and life-sucking gigantic tree—demonic, of course—to sprout up in the human world. Bottom line: Our heroes will need to get out there and stylishly disembowel and brutalize everything in sight.

Then do it some more.

EVISCERATE THIS, INCINERATE THAT​

The game itself is initially very playable from a gaming-mechanics perspective. The graphics are bright and sharp, the thumping soundtrack keeps your blood pumping, and the graceful-as-a-dance demon-hacking action keeps the gushing gore profusely pumping, too.

Players use an assortment of guns, swords and mechanical gadgets (such as Nero’s weapon-launching mechanical arm) to slash, impale, freeze, burn, rip and otherwise mulch all manner of malformed, devilish grotesqueries. And there’s even a special move unlocked later in the game where you can drive a blade into your own chest for an increased demonic power. (A disturbing plot twist indeed.)

There are also a few scenes where female characters get into the action, at least long enough to get out of most of their clothes. (The ESRB characterizes what we see as “partial nudity,” with the “partial” part of that equation consisting only of smeared blood in some cases.) And on top of all that visual gush and blush, players also get spattered with a steady stream of profanities, including f- and s-words as well as uses of “d–n,” “a–,” “b–ch” and “b–tard.”

Are you getting the sense that we aren’t really fans of this game?

And even those who might be tempted by an over-the-top actioner such as this should take pause. That’s because that initially fluid-seeming gameplay quickly morphs into a tedious grind: run, slaughter, run, slaughter, repeat.

Result? A brainless, demonic gore-fest. Period. Full stop.

Why in the hell did you praise the combat paragraphs ago?

Here's the description of this genius.

BOB HOOSE​

After spending more than two decades touring, directing, writing and producing for Christian theater and radio (most recently for Adventures in Odyssey, which he still contributes to), Bob joined the Plugged In staff to help us focus more heavily on video games. He is also one of our primary movie reviewers.

 

[Danone]

Two from Skillup.

First up his his Cyberpunk 2077 review where he enthusiastically recommends it and even states it is "remarkably bug free." He didn't even have the decency to retract his review and apologize like fellow corporate shill Yong Yea did.

Secondly his Last of Us part II review, this one is actually negative but it's a very interesting review in that outside of plot spoilers he absolutely refuses to talk about Abby even repeatedly calling her "that character." It's like he knows she's shit but is too afraid of losing corporate sponsorships and attacked by sjws to say what everyone is thinking. It struck me as very dishonest. If you think something is shit say it's shit, Abby is shit, the game is shit.

This example is particularly funny because people still quote this review as "the true Last of US 2 review". Everything around this game is autistic isn't it?

Even if the review is positive, this guy can't stop acting like a faggot for at least a minute.

 

[LolRaccoon]

Well, bad games ournalism gave birth to the phrase "the exaggerated swagger of a black teen" so that accidental racism on their part was funny I guess

 

[milk]

"Too much water"

 

[Red Hood]

GITCY is like if Stephen Colbert reviewed games.

 

[WhoBusTank69]

Can I gripe about how most reviews these days aren't actual reviews but just abridged playthroughs?
You didn't tell me if I should bother playing the game, you did it for me from beginning to end while bringing up all the twists and now I don't have to.

 

[Llama king]

I thought this was kind of funny.

 

[Vyse Inglebard]

GITCY is like if Stephen Colbert reviewed games.

PLAY IT LOUD IN STEREO, DOOOOOOOOOOD!
Edit: His suggestion about Tomb Raider 3 being about Lara getting breast cancer could legitimately be put into a modern day gaming journalist article about the Tomb Raider franchise. I dunno if I find that hilarious or saddening.