Can We All Just Admit "Van Helsing" (2004) Is a Work Of True Genius?

[The Magnificence]

Van Helsing (2004) was one of the now many attempts by Universal Studios to create a new Classic Universal Monsters-based franchise, but was aborted post-birth by bad box office receipts.

The film was entrusted to and is largely the brainchild of Stephen Sommers, best known at the time for the wildly successful The Mummy (1999) and its sequel, The Mummy Returns (2001). Entrusted with developing a new Universal Monsters franchise, Sommers chose to kick start his efforts with a film in the vein of the Universal "Monster Rally" films of the 1940s; that is, a film featuring basically all the best known monsters together, wedded with just an absolute shitload of early 2000s CGI thanks to an absolutely stupid amount of money being thrown at Sommers:

Besides then-hot director Sommers, the film featured Huge Jackedman and Kate Beckinsale (no, really, that's how it's always been spelled, you are suffering from the Mandela Effect), and by all accounts should have been the Next Big Thing despite not having a kickin' Nu Metal track by Godsmack attached to it. Sadly...it wasn't.

Twenty years later, though, and it really must be said: This movie is Pure. Fucking. Genius. No, this is not a "so bad it's good" defense - the movie isn't bad at all. It's a Shakespearean Tragedy masked as an Action Horror Comedy, and I am here for it. It has it all: Peak Beckinsale, Huge Jackedmand being Huge and Jacked, funky re-imaginings of the classic monsters, fucking ridiculous CGI, a complete disregard for scene continuity and did I mention Peak Beckinsale?

Also the Best Dracula EVAR as portrayed by Richard Roxburgh:

A movie like this literally cannot be made today, firstly because of the advances in CGI taking us from "Patently Awful" to "Regrettably Awful" in the past twenty years, but also because it would now have to have a diverse cast of multicultural actors and include LGBTABCDEFG representation and somebody would have to be a troon and that whole crotch gag in the fight clip above is pRObLeMATiC and so on and so forth. It is a product of it's time, and I love it. What say you all?

 

[WhoBusTank69]

I'd consider it a classic at this point, it's a pretty fun movie.

 

[BScCollateral]

I saw it and completely forgot about it within two days.
It had a cool display in Universal Theme Park.

 

[AeroGavin Rossdale]

Van Helsing not Van Hagar

 

[xXx: State of the Union]

It was a fun movie, I never got why I saw so many people bitch about it.

Same with Constantine tbqh. Oh no, it wasn't like the comics boo hoo

 

[Miriam Margoyles]

I've been saying this for yeeeeears!

Van Helsing is brilliant, campy, over-the-top fun, with some really creative creature designs (I think the transformation of the brides from their human form to their harpy-esque vampire forms is genuinely really impressive) and an incredible score from Alan Silvestri.

 

[I'm Retarded?]

A movie like this literally cannot be made today,

it's funny to see this line invoked against this early 2000s slop like that shit was made in some politics-free golden era. the whole reason Kate Beckinsale is one of the lead characters is because that was the Girls Can Do It Too era of film. action movies during this time loved doing the thing where the main character is a sublime girlboss with physical abilities easily surpassing any of her male peers except for That One Guy who is allowed to be (almost) her equal because he's Mister Right. but first he has to prove he's not some Macho Male Oppressor who thinks she can't do insane action movie shit and kill a whole room full of bad guys just because she's a girl. this sort of thing started cropping up a lot in the late 90s and became a persistent meme in action cinema until the racial justice and genderspecial shit started overshadowing it. you can see it as early as The Fifth Element (1997) and as late as Mad Max: Fury Road (2015). before troons, feminism was the political plague being shoved down our throats daily. thankfully, action movies where a dude is simply allowed to be a badass without constantly being embarassed and frustrated by a superior woman have somewhat come back into vogue. and in however many years from now, when Hollywood moves on to the next liberal monomania, we'll have movies where the cast doesn't consist entirely of some variety of gaynigger back too.

 

[FuckMeGentlyWithAChainsaw]

 

[Abraham Lincoln]

It was a comfy movie, compared to today's movies.

 

[Absurdity]

Fun dumb monster mashup. The Hyde fight was too short and dry considering all the slicing going on. Character designs were top tier.

 

[Your Starter for 10]

It's no Underworld, but it's close.

 

[The Nothingness]

The movie's worldbuilding, where there is a secret organization fighting monsters and the implication that Van Helsing is the archangel Gabriel, was intriguing and could have been explored more in a sequel.

 

[A Grey Cat]

I've heard that it's the best castlevannia movie never made...and well it's better than whatever crap Netflix shits out

 

[RumblyTumbly]

It was a dumb movie that looked cool.

With a better script, Van Helsing could have been awesome.

 

[Drag-on Knight 91873]

I didn't know it was made by The Mummy guy. Which makes this movie tonally consistent with it and thus, all his movies have a consistent quality to them. I don't consider it a great movie, but it's telling how okay movies could fail from lack of interest while we have movies today that are much worse than Van Helsing, but we have to praise them as fantastic. Movies don't have that swashbuckling flair anymore or nice stable camera angles so I can actually see the action without getting sick. Also I want Kate Beckinsale to step on me. I miss having attractive actresses dressed in sexy clothes. Now movies give me one at the most and usually not even that.

 

[Thomas Talus]

Betteridge's Law.

 

[MarvinTheParanoidAndroid]

It makes for a better Castlevania movie than the Castlevania show.

 

[BrunoMattei]

Also the Best Dracula EVAR as portrayed by Richard Roxburgh:

 

[Night Crawler]

I have a Van Helsing Diablo clone on Steam.

The movie was ok. I wouldn't oversell it though.

 

[Idiotron]

The special effects are horrible.
Even back in 2004 they were completely unconvincing.
For all the money they spent on this thing, they should have had a lot less cartoony CG.
It was made in that post Matrix/Phantom Menace era when Hollywood decided that CG is "photorealistic" and they can just shove any digital shit on screen and it will look good.

Story is dumb but fine for this kind of movie.
Acting is all over the place but there are some stand outs such as the dude playing Dracula, he was really over the top and stole every scene he was in.