Statement from Rocco Botte
Posted with permission on behalf of Rocco Botte:
Hey guys- I want to talk about some of the relationship stuff that has been going around on here recently. This has come up in the past, but there was a lot to it. I have had no clue what to even say. A lot of stuff out there is true and a lot isn’t. And of course, a lot of noise gets melded together (as with anything a ton of strangers get involved in).
But first thing is first- regarding sweeping it under the rug… Nah. I don’t want to do that. In fact, I’ve been very public for years about what a -dumb fuck- I used to be. It’s possible my lack of self-awareness was a key factor in helping start Mega64- but the truth is, it annihilated a lot of my personal life in exchange. Friendships, relationships, all of it. I never had any guidance in telling me the right thing to do or say in my field. I went for years not hearing anything critical- another pat on the back, another thumbs up, no reason to really pay attention to the needs of others. I screwed up so many relationships and was just a stupid garbage human.
Second thing, because this is important - there is a photo of me at Disneyland with a 15 year old fan that’s being painted as evidence that I “groomed" this person. I want to be clear: I did not know this person when that photo was taken. I was there in my early 20’s, and she- a total stranger- flagged me down for a photo. It wasn’t until years later that we became friends.
That relationship in particular keeps being brought up, and it was a murky and awful one from many years ago. Way back then, I had no idea how to treat people or consider their feelings. This relationship was one where she was a lot younger than me- she was 19 and I was in my late 20’s- and I had no idea there was even an issue with that. It never even came up back then, and we began seeing each other. In retrospect, I understand how it looks, but at the time nearly a decade ago, I had no concept of any kind of specific dynamic or imbalance.
But I was a huge fucking idiot. I was never clear about how I saw that relationship, and I wasn’t there for her in any way she needed. I was scared to end the relationship, so I saw other people. I figured this was fine since we weren’t calling each other boyfriend and girlfriend. But that was just an excuse. I couldn’t confront anything real, because I was a coddled baby, and I handled it like a dishonest, dipshit coward. It was the worst regret of my life to that point. Knowing I hurt them was pain I didn’t know I could cause. It was the wake up call I needed. I apologized to her in every way I could. And to this day- I am SO sorry.
I renounced everything about the way I was- my attitude, the way I am towards other people, all of it. I got therapy and reached out to anyone else I felt had been affected, too, to apologize for who I was. I didn’t want to be that person anymore. I hated that person. I have spent years getting away from this behavior and trying to be more vocal about making sure other people aren’t poisoned like I was.
She called me out for this relationship online years ago. Although parts of what she wrote were not accurate, and I was upset at first- I still ultimately felt like I deserved it. I was rotten and unredeemable in my own eyes.
But this relationship kept going. They became kind to me again and gave me another chance. My guilt was heavier than ever and this felt like relief. But I felt like things were still not really healed. I suggested separation with no contact (as my doctor had suggested), but anytime I tried this, there was an explosion of anger. I was terrified of her. I kept seeing her and made the most of it. This went on for years. We would separate and get back together. Anytime I brought up total lack of contact, it was met with rage. It was always hinted that she would destroy my name online if I abandoned her again. I became afraid to turn anything down. ANYTHING. I had to keep her happy because I couldn’t bear to be torn to shreds again. Guilt and fear kept me attached.
About three years ago, I had to cut contact completely. I blocked everything. My friends were made uncomfortable by certain actions of hers and I couldn’t take anymore. This did not go over well. I made attempts to get a restraining order, but across state lines, this was expensive and difficult. I didn’t do any of that because I hated her- I did it because I felt like the cycle was never going to end.
I think that once it was abundantly clear I was never going to respond to them again, that was when the narrative became “grooming.” I had multiple people reach out to me that they heard this being discussed. I want to say again that’s not what the situation was.
I didn’t want to make any of this public- not even honestly for my sake, but for hers. I’m STILL genuinely concerned for her and never wanted anything to make her look bad. Even with all that happening, I cared about her, and I still do. But I can’t live in the fear of this anymore. I’m not trying to make myself the victim- I was a total fuckup for years and made a ton of awful mistakes. And I'm so sorry. She’s right that I need to be more accountable and do things right- I have done my best to put in real work to be a good person for many years now. But I have suffered for too long and cannot continue to be punished publicly for this. I am trying to, at last, move on and I hope the best for her in this as well.
-Rocco