Cookbook / Recipe Sharing thread

[Vilnus Asuncion]

Vilnius Asuncion Pizza:
For the Dough:
-1 KG of Flour.
- Two Tablespoons of Olive Oil.
-650 Ml of water colder than Spoony's Patreon.
-Salt, Two Tablespoons or so, I dunno It always seems too little.
-8 grams of Dry instant yeast.
For the Sauce:
1 kg tomatoes.
1 onion.
2 Cloves of garlic.
Red Wine, like a small gush (Skip this and I will punch you straight on the dick, understand?)
1 tea spoon paprika.
1 Tea Spoon dried oregano.
Basil, dry or fresh I don't give a fuck.
Salt and pepper.
More oil, skip the olive if you are broke.

Dough: Throw the flour on a bowl mix with the yeast and the salt, then the olive oil and finally add the water on batches so the flour has can absorve It welll, when you are done mix that bitch on the counter top and knead until It gets nice and incorporated. You are looking for something that Isn't too sticky or too stiff, just right in the middle of the horseshoe theory. When It's done, nice and smooth start pulling from the middle, so that It has no cracks and has a nice round shape, then get that fucking bowl back and oil It nice and plenty, then drop the dough back in give It a roll so It doesn't stick, push your index finger on the center and cover It with a moist towel and put It on the fridge over night. If you don't have the time, use warm water and put the bowl on a deep plate or something larger than the bowl with hot water around It and wait an hour, in both chases the dough should have risen twice It's original shape and the hole in the middle should have gone.

Sauce: Cut the tomatoes in tiny cubes or throw them on a blender but the important part Is that they get nice and small. Grab a pan, oil then the onion cut small and the garlic chopped until It smells like grandma, then put the tomatoes in, give It a stir and throw the spices and wine (Believe me, the wine makes this shit) stir It and let It simmer to your prefered consistency and at the end put the salt and pepper.

Grab the dough out, deflate all the gas on It (Give It a smell, It's like beer) and divide on 5 pieces and let those rise. Grab one, now this is a recipe for pan pizza, so oil that fucking pan, don't use anything expensive for this one, sunflower or some shit like that, the cheap shit. Oil that fucking pan nice and well and then throw one of the pieces on It and give It the shape of the pan so that It covers the edges and put the sauce, cheese and toppings on It (Remember to Tweet a picture to Maddox If you used Pepperoni) and toss that little bitch into a nice and hot oven for like 15 min or until It's cooked. I dunno I eyeball that shit, just don't go shitpost and check It until It's done. DM me for how to make a lasagna using the microwave.

 

[Dr. Boe Jangles Esq.]

Y'all motherfuckers ever had a Shooter's sandwich? No? Well, fuck you, you're gonna. Back in the day, eurofags used to make these for fox hunting parties. It's great:

Ingredients

• For the mushrooms:
• 1 tablespoon olive oil
• 1 tablespoon butter, divided
• 1 1/2 pounds button mushrooms, finely chopped
• salt
• A few crimini mushrooms, finely chopped (not required by the original recipe, but I think it improves it)
• 1/2 cup minced shallots
• 2 tablespoons brandy
• 1 pinch cayenne pepper, or to taste
• salt and freshly ground black pepper to taste

• Mustard sauce:
• 3 tablespoons Dijon mustard
• 1 tablespoon extra-hot prepared horseradish, or to taste
• 1 tablespoon mayonnaise

• The bread and fillings:
• 1 (1 1/2) pound round loaf of crusty bread
• 2 (1 pound) beef rib-eye steaks, well trimmed
• salt and freshly ground black pepper to taste
• 1 tablespoon vegetable oil
• 1/4 cup water
• 3 ounces finely textured pate (such as foie gras), sliced. (I use foie gras, it's much better if you can get it)

Directions

1. Heat olive oil and 1/2 tablespoon butter in a large skillet over high heat; saute mushrooms with a pinch of salt in the oil and butter until mushrooms release their liquid and the liquid evaporates, 8 to 10 minutes. Make a well in the center of the mushrooms and melt remaining 1/2 tablespoon butter. Saute shallots in hot butter until translucent, 2 to 3 minutes. Mix shallots into mushrooms and continue to cook, stirring constantly, until mushrooms are browned.
2. Pour brandy into mushrooms; saute until alcohol cooks off, 1 to 2 more minutes. Turn off heat and season with cayenne pepper, salt, and black pepper. Set mushroom mixture aside to cool to room temperature.
3. Mix Dijon mustard, horseradish, and mayonnaise until smooth in a small bowl.
4. Slice the top 25% of the bread loaf off to make a lid and set lid aside. Remove the interior bread from the loaf to create a large bread bowl with 1/2-inch-thick sides. Spread Dijon mustard sauce over entire interior of bread bowl and under the lid.
5. Pound each steak out on a work surface to about the same diameter as the inside of the bread bowl, using a meat mallet. Season steaks generously on both sides with salt and black pepper.
6. Heat vegetable oil in a large skillet over high heat until oil is nearly smoking. Sear steaks in the hot skillet just until browned and interior is your desired degree of doneness, about 2 minutes per side for medium. Remove steaks to a plate, leaving pan drippings in skillet. Pour water into skillet and dissolve the browned bits of food and steak juices into water. Bring to a boil and cook until drippings are reduced to about 2 tablespoons, about 5 minutes. Pour pan drippings into mushrooms.
7. Place a browned steak into the bottom of the bread bowl. Spread mushroom filling over the steak, packing it in well. Place slices of pate over mushroom filling if desired. Place the second steak into bread bowl over the pate; place prepared bread lid on the bowl.
8. Wrap the loaf loosely in plastic wrap and then aluminum foil. Place onto a sheet pan, put another sheet pan on top, and weigh the top sheet pan down with heavy pots, cans of food, or any heavy, stable object. Place sandwich into refrigerator and press for at least 6 hours (preferably overnight).
9. Unwrap the bread loaf and slice the sandwich into wedges for serving.

Properly done, it should look like this:

Yum.

 

[HIVidaBoheme]

Going to share a recipe I learned from my grandma a few days ago:

Sour sweet ceviche.
You need
2 pounds of salmon, diced.
1 cup of lime or lemon juice (i prefer lime)
1 cup of diced pineapple (fresh is better than canned)
1 cup of passion fruit juice (if you use the fresh fruit make sure to strain out the seeds)
2 medium sized tomatoes finely diced
1/2 a medium sized red onion, finely diced
1 pound of shrimp (optional, I personally cannot eat shrimp due to allergies)
Parsley leaves for garnish.

Place your salmon (and the shrimp if using) on a bowl and pour 3/4 of the cup of both juices (passion fruit and lime) then mix gently, cover with plastic film and chill until fish is white throughout. It takes around 15 to 20 minutes.
After this, drain the fish removing all the juice. Then pour the remaining 1/4, mix gently and add the diced tomato, onion and pineapple. Season with pepper and salt, chill and let rest for 10 minutes. Serve cold and garnish with the parsley.

I personally find this tastes great with saltine crackers accompanied with avocado slices.

 

[Pocket_Sand!]

Party dishes, anyone?

Chicken Parm Sliders:

Ingredients

• 1 bag Hawaiian slider buns
• 1 lb breaded and fried chicken tenderloins
• 2 cups homemade marinara
• 2 cups Mozzarella cheese , shredded
• 1/2 cup Parmesan cheese , freshly grated
• 3 tbsp Butter , melted
• a few shakes Garlic powder (more to taste)
• A few shakes Italian seasoning

Instructions

1. Preheat oven to 350°F.
2. Place the bottom half of the slider buns in a greased casserole dish.
3. Place cooked chicken tenders on the bottom buns and then cover them in sauce.
4. Combine the mozzarella and Parmesan cheese and sprinkle it over the sauce.
5. Place the top buns on the sliders.
6. Melt the butter and mix the garlic powder until it is thoroughly combined. (feel free to add more garlic powder if you like)
7. Pour the melted butter over the buns and then sprinkle with Italian seasoning.
8. Cover the dish with foil and bake for 10 minutes, then remove the foil and continue baking for another 10 minutes.
9. Enjoy

A protip on these:
You want get the tenders and sauce made up fresh in advance. This is not just snobbery, there's a method to this madness:

-Those prebagged chicken tenders in the frozen section (in addition to just being shit) are mushy and limp from all the ice. You want the breading to be crispy to add some texture to the finished product, and you can only get that by just frying up some chicken breasts you've cut into strips. It takes like 15 minutes and your end result will be worlds better.

-Shred your own mozzarella and parm. The prebagged stuff has a cellulose powder on it (to prevent clumping in the bag) that gets gummy and gross when it melts. Remember to place your mozzarella and your grater into the freezer for like 10 minutes before shredding, it'll make it much easier.

-Make your own sauce. Seriously, jar pasta sauce is an abomination, it tastes like shit, and pasta sauce isn't really that hard. This is a great recipe that requires minimal attention outside of the occasional stir after the prepwork is done and it makes a ton, so you can save it for whatever dishes you wanna make during the week.

Done correctly, you've got a dope appetizer. Bring it to a party and feel smug about the people who brought a single bag of Lays.

Tried these last evening, and not only were they really excellent, but I was truly able to be extraordinarily smug about my culinary prowess at the dinner we brought them to. Many thanks @Dr. Boe Jangles Esq. now I have to make those Shooter's Sandwiches.

 

[Dr. Boe Jangles Esq.]

Tried these last evening, and not only were they really excellent, but I was truly able to be extraordinarily smug about my culinary prowess at the dinner we brought them to. Many thanks @Dr. Boe Jangles Esq. now I have to make those Shooter's Sandwiches.

Glad I could help! Cheers and happy cooking!

 

[RADICALGOBLIN]

Orobas's Cum (Glip Brand Mayo)

Whatcha Need

Various pastel food colorings (Usually regular food colorings, mixed with white, but some do exist online)
One (1) (I) Jar of Miracle Whip
Edible Glitter​

Whatcha Gonna Do

>Yeet the jar into a big ass bowl

>Take the food coloring, and mix it in.

>Make it as cum-textured as possible

>Dump in the glitter

>Mix that shit up​

FANTISIMO

 

[AF 802]

Ya like some greasy-ass glob that makes a good nacho dip? I got something for you.

The D's Mexican Biscuits n' Gravy

Ingredients needed:
1/4 to 1/2lb of hamburger (depending on how much you make)
A huge ass amount of Velveeta cheese (1 to 2 mini sticks should do)
Parmesan, cheddar, colby cheese (shredded or sliced, broken up)
A little bit of milk (get your soy shit out of here)
Chili powder, as wanted
Garlic powder, as wanted
Tortilla chips

How to make it:

>Heat up small to medium pan to a decent temperature. High medium on the dial should do.
>Ground up your hamburger and simmer it in the pan.
>Once hamburger is cooked, add small amount of mi.lk and the huge ass amount of Velveeta cheese. Mix up until a sauce is made.
>After cooking for a few minutes, add your various cheeses. Let them melt.
>Put as much chili and garlic power as you want. I like a good amount in mine.
>Put it in a bowl and serve with tortilla chips.

 

[Shokew]

Neo Arcadian M&C

(0) = 1 (1 lb.) BOX of Elbow Macaroni OR Penne (your choice)

(1) = 1.5 to 2 sticks margarine/butter (preferrably 50 - 80% vegetable oil spread type), MELTED

(2) = 1 pint (2 cups) Half-and-Half
OR 1 pint (2 cups) 2% milk
OR 1 cup 2% milk AND 1 cup Half-and-Half

(3) = 1/2 block (1 lb.) Velveeta cheese, CUBED

(4) = 1/2 block (1 lb.) Colby Jack, Mozzerella, OR Cheddar cheese (Choose 1 for best results only.), CUBED

(5) = MAX of 2 teaspoons Salt & Pepper (WARNING: this is for taste only; if it tastes salty/savory enough, only add at most 1 teaspoon of salt if not sure!)

PROCESS:
- BOIL about (1/2 gallon) water in a large Soup Pan; place (0) in it to cook for 10-15 minutes, stirring to ensure it doesn't get stuck to the pot; Place cooked macaroni in a glass dish after cooling it down a little.

- In a large saucepan, add (1) first, melting it down; add (2) next, stirring frequently until it slightly boils.

- Add (3) to stir in, making sure to only do so for taste; hopefully, the butter (1) has enough salt in it that you only need to add at most 1 teaspoon, or none at all, if you're cautious about blood pressure...

- Cut your blocks of (3) and (4) into cubes and add to mixture (1,2,5) to melt it down; once cheese(s) are melted down, REMOVE FROM HEAT IMMEDIATELY so as to not have any sauce stick to the pan!

- Add the completed sauce (2 - 5), via pouring it on top of the macaroni in a glass dish; DO NOT STIR.

- In a 350-degree oven, place the recipe inside and cook accordingly FOR 25-30 minutes ONLY; take out of the oven afterward and ENJOY YOURSELF SOME OF THIS HOT CHEESY GOODNESS. BITCH.

Here's some Texas-like BS from someone who refuses to live there... Ever.

Texas Hot Dogs (Hot Dogs wrapped in bacon)
- For 1 Beef Frank hot dog, wrap around it one piece of Bacon.
- [OPTIONAL] partially cook the hot dogs before wrapping them, via boiling them, for a Max of 5 minutes.

- Sit it in a fridge for at least 30 min - 1 hour before serving, so that the bacon doesn't unwrap from the hot dog so easily.

- In a convection oven,preheat from 350 - 375 degrees MAX; setting to broil is strictly not recommended.

- Place wrapped [optionally partially cooked] hot dogs in heated oven, cooking until the bacon turns golden brown in appearance (about 15-25 minutes); the hot dogs will be cooked before that, however, but our priority is to get the bacon cooked alongside it.

- Take bacon from out of convection oven; heat up a skillet and finish cooking less darkened parts of bacon [essential, as the bacon might not be fully cooked in certain areas, despite the amount of time kept in the oven

- Serve with a sauce of your choosing [preferably ketchup/mustard, a beef-flavored gravy for something hearty, or a tomato-based sauce for something healthier.]


- For Healthier alternatives, try the following:
- Weiners (partial Beef) w/Turkey Bacon

- Turkey/Chicken Dogs (no Beef) w/Turkey Bacon

- NOTE: you especially want to partially cook the hot dogs ahead of time here,
as Turkey Bacon takes less time to cook in broiler.
RECOMMENDED: AGAIN, DO NOT SET TO BROIL TO COOK, AS COOKING WILL COME OUT UNEVEN WHEN DOING SO.


Texas Toast (Think French Toast without the use of eggs)
- 2 slices bread, un-toasted
- 2 to 3 tbsp. Butter/Margarine/Vegetable Oil spread (Most recommended)
- 2 to 3 tbsp. Cane Sugar
- 1 to 1.5 tbsp Cinnamon

1) Heat up an iron skillet on Low; keep an eye on it so it doesn't set off the smoke detector.
2) In a small bowl, mix together the sugar and the cinnamon; incorporate the butter to this mixture.
3) Spread the incorporated mixture onto the bread, then place bread in skillet.
4) Cook the butter mixture on both sides (3 - 5 minutes). Serve Warm with some milk.


ENJOY THAT (NOT) TEXAS BREAKFAST, BITCH!

 

[AA 102]

Simple Spicy Beef

Ingredients:
-Pot Roast
-A jar of pepperoncinis

Kitchen Hardware:
-Slow Cooker

Directions:
Throw in the pot roast. Pour the entire jar of pepperoncinis, including brine, over the pot roast. Slow cook for 8 hours. Shred the meat with a fork. Recommended to shred the pepperoncinis in with the meat to make it spicier (surprisingly the meat doesn't get super spicy from slow cooking in the brine and peppers alone). Serve onto a roll. Done.

It's a really simple recipe that's hard to fuck up. With some provolone cheese and some fresh rolls (toasted obviously) it makes for a good sandwich. The meat absorbs some of the flavor of the pepperoncinis without being overwhelming and without losing the flavor of the beef. The leftovers will also keep for a week and a half and reheat really well.

 

[soryu]

Tonkatsu

Ingredients:

• 3-4 Boneless porkchops (thin sliced is recommended, but thicker pieces can be substituted if you want)
• 1 egg
• 1 1/2 teaspoon or 6 grams of flour
• Salt
• Pepper
• Panko breadcrumbs (you can use regular, but the katsu turns out a little more oily)
• Canola or Vegetable oil
• 1 tablespoon or 15 ml of sesame oil (optional)

Start off by heating up a deep fryer or a pot filled with enough oil to cover your meat at 350°F or 177°C. You can add in the sesame oil.
While the oil is heating up, tenderize your meat and add salt and pepper to both sides.
Crack your egg into a plate that's big enough to put one slice of meat on it and whisk it while slowly sifting the flour into the egg to thicken it a little.
Take your salt and peppered porkchops and dunk it in the egg mixture on both sides.
Put the porkchops into a bowl filled with panko breadcrumbs to coat on both sides.
Fry the porkchops in the oil for about 4 to 6 minutes.
Serve on a bed of rice or shredded cabbage and a side of tonkatsu sauce (a mixture of Worcestershire sauce, ketchup, oyster sauce, and sugar if you cannot find a bottle).

I love making tonkatsu. It's so easy and filling and takes me at most 45 minutes to finish. All the recipes I've seen have made people coat the meat with flour before dunking in the egg, but I found mixing them together doesn't make a difference.

 

[BatNapalm]

So I basically lost about 15 pounds over the course of a month by drinking one of these bad boys instead of eating dinner (and coupled with working out 3-5 times a week). So yeah, gotta stress that this isn't meant to be a tasty snack (though it is very tasty) but rather, a straight-up meal replacement. Not recommended for diets that completely eschew sugar, but there isn't as much sugar as you might think.

Also, this might require a Ninja blender but a regular blender might work just as well. But I use a Ninja. Now without further ado, I present:

BatNapalm's Meal-Replacement Peanut Butter-Banana Milkshake

• Take 4-6 ice cubes and put them in the bottom of the tallest Ninja blender cup you have.
• Pour in about 8oz of 2% m/ilk (or whatever m/ilk you choose). ~120 calories.
• Add in 1/2 cup (one serving) of low-fat/low-carb vanilla ice cream. ~100-130 calories.
• Add two tablespoons of PBfit peanut butter powder*. ~70 calories
• Add in one serving (usually two scoops) of vanilla whey protein powder (lowest calorie option) or nutritional shake mix or GNC superfood (as long as it's vanilla). ~110-160 calories
• Throw in a couple pieces of fresh or frozen banana. Let's call it ~70 calories (a full banana is 133 calories).

Now screw on the cap (should be enough room) and blend it in your ninja for 15-30 seconds. You should have a nice, creamy milkshake with a nice consistency to it. Total caloric content should be about 500-600 some calories, making it a perfect, protein-rich option for 1200-1400 calorie/day diets. These things taste amazing.

*Now, PBfit powder is sold almost exclusively at Walmart or Sam's Club (though there is an Aldi alternative I haven't tried yet) but you can use one serving of regular peanutbutter if you so desire. I recommended Reese's peanut butter (which is the best taste, especially for a milkshake though it is about 60 cents more expensive than any other peanut butter), but keep in mind that one serving of regular PB is about 190 calories and will increase the total caloric content of the shake considerably.

 

[Shokew]

NO-GRAVY-NEEDED RICE - want to make rice that goes with any meal and make it nice and heartily flavorful? Here you go, soldier! Do it right and you won't need to add or top it with anything else!!
(0) = 4 CUPS (MAX) Water, for boiling

(1) = 2 CUPS (MAX) Rice, preferably one of the following:
A) Jasmine
B) Basmati
C) Brown
D) Arborio (Risotto)

NOTE (0 and 1) = for every 1 cup of (1), we'll need 2 cups of (0) to ensure proper absorption.

(2) = One (AND ONLY) of the following:
A) 1 to 1.5 TBSP. (MAX) Chicken Base + 1 to 1.5 TBSP (MAX) Beef Base
B) 2 to 2.5 TBSP (MAX) Chicken OR Beef Base
C) 1 Chicken Boullion Cube + 1 Beef Boullion Cube
D) 2 Chicken OR Beef Buillion Cubes

(3) = 1 to 1.5 CUPS (MAX) Butter (preferrably 50 - 80% vegetable oil spread type), MELTED

Feel free to experiment with other seasons, but what I recommend for starters, if you have it:

(4) = 1 - 1.5 TSP. (MAX) Ground Ginger
(5) = 1 - 1.5 TSP. (MAX) Ground Nutmeg
(6) = 1 - 1.5 TSP. (MAX) Granulated Garlic
(7) = 1 - 1.5 TSP. (MAX) Onion Powder

Otherwise, skip to this last ingredient:

( = Salt & Pepper, only if necessary (preferably, you should only need the pepper - the Base / Bouillon has enough salt in it, as is.)

Here's how we do it:

• Boil water and add the seasonings: Pour water into a large saucepan with a tight-fitting lid; Bring to a boil, while mixing in the stock/bullion, butter, and additional seasonings.

• Pour in rice: Add it to the boiling water.

• Stir once, or just enough to separate the rice: Use a wooden spoon (recommended tool) to separate any clumps. Do not over-stir it, as that can cause the rice to become sticky.

• Cover the pot and simmer: Be sure the lid fits tightly on the pot. Turn down the heat to its lowest setting. Let rice simmer for about 20 - 25 minutes, then remove from heat and allow the rice to steam in the pot for another 5 minutes.

• While the Rice is simmering: Don’t uncover the saucepan or stir the rice during cooking.

• Fluff rice with a fork: Just before serving, gently fluff the rice with a fork to separate the grains.

You can serve this rice with just about... ANYTHING. And I do mean, anything. It's the perfect side, soldier!

 

[Scrotus]

Really Fucking Good Shrimp Tacos
(Makes about 12 small tacos)

Ingredients

• 1-1.5 lbs cocktail shrimp
• 2 Tbsp olive oil
• 2 Tbsp orange juice, from an actual goddamn orange
• 2 tsp honey
• 6 garlic cloves, pressed/crushed (doesn't really matter imo)
• 1/2 - 1 tsp orange zest
• 1 - 3 tsp of the adobo sauce from canned chipotles (I use 4-6 because I prefer it spicy)
• 1 tsp white wine vinegar
• Salt/pepper to taste
• 1 Tbsp cornstarch

For Serving

• Small flour tortillas
• Slices avocado, cilantro, fresh salsa, and/or whatever the hell else floats your boat
• Crumbled queso fresco
• Limes
• A simple lime crema sauce: mix sour cream, lime juice, lime zest and salt until it tastes gud

Directions

1. Mix all the ingredients (sans cornstarch) in a bowl with the shrimp, cover and refrigerate for at least an hour. (Taste it before putting in the fridge if you want)
2. Heat a pan/skillet/whatever over medium heat, add a bit of olive oil. Cook your shrimp mixture for about 3 mins for each side of the shriiiiiimps.
3. Add your cornstarch to a little bit of cold water, mix it up, and throw it in the pan. Stir until thicc and creamy.
4. Assemble and eat all your tacos like the pig you are

 

[Judge Holden]

I just realised I only ever provided a variation of my infamous pigfucker jambalaya (a low carb variant that in hindsight was pretty crap) and have never actually shown the real deal.

This shall now be corrected

JUDGE HOLDEN'S PIGFUCKER JAMBALAYA

First things first is ingredients. I like to work with a vague ratio of 1500/1500/1200/500 as the base of this dish

That is to say
1500g of pig
1500g of vegetables
1500ml of liquid
500g of rice

This gives me a fair bit of wriggle room to modify things to my liking depending on the day of cooking. Obviously these are not the only ingredients, but as a template to build the dish around, these numbers will do you a week or two supply of jambalaya pretty easily

INGREDIENTS

MEATS - make sure everything is bite sized. Combine sausage in a bowl, keep raw chicken to its own bowl, and have the lardons on standby next to pan
1kg+ of your preferred smoked sausage - cut into bite sized chunks: if you can get andoille then use that, but feel free to try a different variety of smoked sausages. I personally use 300g polish kabanos (for the flavour which IIRC is the closest euro equivilant to andoille) some 350g garlic kielbasa and then a final 350g of whatever smoked sausage is on offer at time of purchase. I used to add spanish chorizo, but IMO this tends to dominate the flavour (and the texture of the sausage aint great) so I would personally advise against it.
350g of lardons/diced panchetta: this is probably the most important bit so make sure you have a decently fatty kind of diced bacon since all that fat will become flavour
500g+ Chicken Thighs - deboned and cut into bite size chunks: Only bother using chicken thighs. Breasts will dry up and taste of nothing, and browning these chickeny bits will mean more fat will add itself to the pan font.

VEGETABLES - After chopping up combine in a bowl and set beside stovetop
350g Green Bell Pepper - diced: Technically you can use other colour peppers, but this would make you a faggot
350g Celery - diced: dont skip this step. celery is underrated.
350g Onion - diced: technically you can use red onions but i prefer white
350g spring onions/scalions/green onions or whatever you call them - diced: Consider reserving a handful as a garnish...but tbh i never bother and just throw them all in

SPICES - Combine all in a small bowl. Keep it next to stove because you will be regularly diving in to this
Thyme: 1.5 Tablespoon
Paprika: 1.5 Tablespoon
Cumin: 1 Tablespoon
Oregano: 1.5 Tablespoon
Cayanne: 1 Tablspoon
Salt: 2 Teaspoon
White pepper: 1 Teaspoon
Garlic Powder: 1 Teaspoon
Allspice: 1 sprinkle
MSG powder: 1 teaspoon

SAUCES - keep next to stove. you will use these during the final half hour of cooking
Worchester Sauce: 1 decent sized glug, maybe a tablespoon
Hot Sauce: 1 decent sized glug, maybe a tablespoon
Dark Soy Sauce: 1 teaspoon or less
Liquid Smoke: half a teaspoon
Ketchup: one good squeeze
Passata: one 400g box/can

OTHER
500g long grain rice: Get a fairly decent quality one so it actually cooks in good time and doesnt turn into a stodgy mess
1 litre ham/pork stock: May wanna have an extra 200ml just in case. Chicken stock is optional
1 Block of lard: use as much as you need. I generally only need a quarter of a block
2 Bay Leaves: keep whole and prepare to put in with the sauces
3 Large cloves garlic - finely minced: use more or less depending on your tastes

INSTRUCTIONS - after everything is chopped and placed into handy containers (might take a little while) this is the general overview of how to cook it. Grab yourself your biggest thick bottomed dutch oven (a big stockpot will do in a pinch too) and put on the hob.

1. Fry lardons till crispy: Cooking them for 15+ minutes on a medium/medium low heat until they start to crisp up. Important thing to remember is that when they initially expel water and non-fat liquids, pour/spoon this out into a small bowl/jug. This will both help the bacony bits crisp up faster, and will serve as a good deglazer for later. When fat starts melting pour/spoon this out into another small bowl, prefrably warm for use in next steps (bacon fat is divine). Season with a generous pinch or two from your spice bowl When the bacon is crisping up nicely remove with slotted spoon (try to shake out as much fat as possible) and place into a bowl lined with paper towels. At this point your pot should have the beginnings of a healthy font browning on the bottom.

2. Brown Chicken pieces: crank the heat up to medium/medium high and add a tablespoon or two of lard. when the font in the pan is smoking nicely, pour in your bowl of chicken thigh pieces and try to quickly lay them all down on an even layer on the bottom. Season with a generous pinch or two from your spice bowl. Allow to cook for 2 minutes before turning (should be a good bit of char) and in another 2 minutes turn again. And in another 2 minutes turn again. And in another 2 minutes remove and return to paper towelled bowl with slotted spoon (remember to eyeball it. if its browning nicely after a minute or so cut the time, if not enough then add a bit of time). At this point the font should be even darker at the bottom

3. Brown Sausage pieces: add another tablespoon or two of lard and the bacon fat you saved from step 1. Once these are sizzling nicely tip in all that lovely smoked sausage. Season with a generous pinch or two from your spice bowl. Leave for a minute and a half to two minutes before stirring round (if something is sticking dont scrape the bottom too hard yet, just try to push it off the bottom with your wooden spoon) and putting fresh meat on the bottom to brown. Repeat for about 10ish minutes or until everything looks to have a decent bit of browning. Make sure no one piece of sausage is left to burn on the bottom. Once finished remove with slotted spoon, shake away the fat one final time, and put into your final paper towelled bowl. The bottom of your pan should be a glorious dark brown crust at this point

4. Brown and soften vegetables: After taking one final loving glance at your well earned font, put in your final tablespoon or two of lard and then chuck in all your vegetables (sans garlic). After a minute or two of initial browning throw in the bacon water you saved from step 1 to deglaze the pan. Season with a generous pinch or two from your spice bowl. Now your job is to firmly scrap the bottom of the pan as you stir the softening vegetables until it is completely clean and all that lovely font has been absorbed by the vegetables and by the bacon/lard drippings they cook in. Cook down the vegetables until they are very soft, about 15-20 minutes. Remember to once again Season with a generous pinch or two from your spice bowl.

5. EVERYBODY BACK IN THE POOL: Put every single thing you cooked thus far back in the pot. Your lardons, your chicken, your sausage. Throw in the rest of your spice bowl. Add the Garlic. Cook together on a medium/medium low heat for around about 5 minutes or less

6. Toast the rice: Add the dry rice to the pot and stir round until completely combined with the meat/veg and allow to toast a little for 2-4 minutes

7. Add the Liquids: First add the passata and stir till fully combined. Then add your litre of stock and stir till fully combined. Then add each of your sauces and put your bay leaves in and stir till fully combined. raise the heat to max until it all reaches boiling point, at which point put down to low in order to keep it simmering and cover with either a lid or a plate.

8. Final cook: This dish now needs to cook until the rice has absorbed all the liquids and is good to eat. This usually takes 25-30 minutes. Every 5 minutes you need to uncover the pot and give the whole thing a solid stir, making sure to scrape the bottom of the pan zealously until you can feel nothing stuck there with your spoon. After 25 minutes (i.e. your 5th time uncovering stirring the pot) try some of the rice. Usually it should be perfectly done now, but if not add your extra 200ml stock and cover for an additional 5 minutes before cooking a final time uncovered for 5 minutes (to evaporate any excess liquid). When the rice is at your desired texture/softness turn off the hob and tip the whole jambalaya into a sufficiently sized tupperware dish. Make sure to remove bay leaves

9. First Bowl: plate yourself up a bowl, wait until it has cooled down a fair bit and then eat with either a decent amber ale, a sauvignon blanc, or a drop or two of bourbon. Garnish with more hot sauce.

10. Storage: Personally I tend to keep my jambalaya in a fridge for a week-week and half and have some each day. Its one of these dishes that is even nicer when it has been reheated from chilled/frozen since all the spices and flavours have had the time to settle and imbue the whole dish. One thing I sometimes like doing is to make a bigass batch of Jambalaya-Burritos and then place in the freezer since this allows for a solid month of having jambalaya every other day. Just make sure to defrost the burrito before reheating because otherwise you will have cold spots in the middle.

NOTES:
- This is a "Creole Red" version of the dish as evidenced by the tomato elements. To make a "Cajun Brown" Jambalaya excise the passata and ketchup and replace this liquid with more stock or roux
- If you wish to add seafood like shrimp or crayfish tails, add them raw in the last 5 minutes of cooking to avoid them getting rubbery.

 

[MerriedxReldnahc]

Today I stumbled upon Boris Karloff's guacamole recipe of all things. I've not used sherry in anything, so I wonder what that would end up like? Sounds like some quality guac though.

 

[Dr. Boe Jangles Esq.]

Today I stumbled upon Boris Karloff's guacamole recipe of all things. I've not used sherry in anything, so I wonder what that would end up like? Sounds like some quality guac though.
View attachment 575764

Tried it. A fairly dope guac. I'd recommend lime juice in lemon's stead (lemon was a bit sweet), and a little minced garlic to round off the chili bite, but the sherry is a nice touch and I'd advise any adventurous kiwis to give it a go.

 

[Poiseon]

Okay, I'm not much of a cook, but I have a pretty simple chicken recipe that I enjoy.

Get whole, boneless and skinless chicken breast, one per person.

Coat the breasts with a liberal amount of ranch dressing.

Mix your preferred breading with lemon pepper seasoning. As a rule try to go for half or less of the mixture being lemon pepper, since it is a strong spice by itself, and too much can be a bit overpowering.

Put your mixture in a large bowl, (one at least large enough for the chicken breast you have would be best.) and roll your chick breasts in the mixture until they are fully coated.

I use a glass oven-safe pan, but metal works too. Spray a bit of butter-spray on the inside of said pan to prevent sticking.

Set your oven to three hundred and fifty degrees and cook for a minimum of fifteen minutes to thirty.

(This depends a good deal on the size/weight of the chick breasts. I recommend a meat thermometer to make sure the chicken is properly cooked. Chicken must reach a minimum internal temperature of one hundred and sixty-five degrees to ensure natural bacteria is killed, making it safe to eat. Internal temperature, not external. Stick the thermometer in so the sharp point is roughly in the center of the meat you're testing.)

Once the chicken breasts are properly cooked, you should have a nice, buttery style crust of lemon-flavored breading on your breasts. I find it mixes very well with ranch dressing, which is why I recommend it over using eggs. I usually cook them a bit longer because I like the crunch, but it tends to stick to the pan more and it dries the chicken out more as well, just to warn you. If you don't overcook the breasts they are nice and juicy. I usually just have baked french fries or a baked potatoes as sides, but it could go well with a lot of things, I imagine.

Hope you enjoy.

 

[Buster O'Keefe]

Tartiflette

Serves 2
Ingredients:

• Half a Reblochon cheese (I have no clue what would make a good substitute)
• 8 medium potatoes (I use Maris Pipers)
• 6 rashers of bacon
• 1 medium onion
• 300ml of double cream
• 2 bird's eye chilis (optional)
• 1 glass of dry white wine
• Butter
• Salt and pepper
• Pickles, to serve

Method:

1. Scrub or peel potatoes, dice into chunks roughly 2cm x 2cm then boil for a few minutes until tender but not mush. Drain and set aside.
2. Fry bacon in butter in a large frying pan until starting to crisp. Remove from pan and set aside, leaving all the buttery bacon fat in the pan.
3. Slice onion and chop chilis (if using) and fry these in the pan until onion is starting to colour.
4. Add wine to the pan and reduce to just a few teaspoons.
5. Cut/crumble bacon into bitesized pieces and add to the pan. Take pan off the heat and stir in the cream. Transfer everything in the pan to a mixing bowl and clean out the pan.
6. And more butter to the pan and fry the potato chunks in batches until coloured slightly and starting to go a bit crisp.
7. Add the potatoes to the bowl and mix everything together, seasoning well with pepper and lightly with salt (bacon is salty).
8. Preheat oven to 180C and pour the mixture into a baking dish.
9. Split the Reblochon in half (you will have 2 semicirles) and put these, rind up, on top of the mixture.
10. Bake in oven for about 20 mins - half an hour. Check the tenderness of the spuds with a fork; when you are happy, turn the heat up to 200C for about 10 mins and make the top layer all golden and crispy.
11. Serve with pickles on the side. Also a decent crisp white wine is essential to avoid a 'cheese stone' in your stomach.

This is perfect if you've been out in the cold all day. The chilis are not traditional, but any purists can go fuck themselves, chili works in this dish. Also this is the opposite of health food; you have been warned.

 

[Toucan]

Coconut Rum cake.
Cost: approx 20-25€
Serves: approx 4 but you can scale it up to serve more easily.

Ingredients:
500 ml of coconut flavoured rum (Malibu is best, though an imitation might do)
200 g of baking butter (unsalted preferably, though not essential)
100 g of self rising flour
100 g of coconut flour
200 g of coconut blossom sugar
4-6 eggs
Essence of Vanilla (do not cheap out on this)
Essence of Almond (or alternatively 25 g of crushed almonds if you want the cake to be crunchy)
Golden syrup or Molasses (for thickening)


Method:
1) Melt 2/3rds of the baking butter in a bowl and add it to a large mixing bowl with some of the coconut blossom sugar(100 g approx) . mix the two together until you get a thick consistency, add more sugar as necessary.
2)Break 4 eggs and add them slowly to the mixture, mixing constantly to ensure consistency.
3) Add one tablespoon of Essence of Vanilla to the mix along with approx 150 ml's of Rum. The consistency should be watery at this point. If you wish to add more rum or Vanilla you may do so as your taste dictates.
4)Begin adding both of the flours slowly, constantly mixing as you go. Add a small amount of the Essence of Almond (really only a drop will do as it is quite strong.)
5) Add either Golden syrup or Molasses (whichever your taste desires, both are good in my opinion) to thicken the mixture to a point where it falls off the whisk with one strong tap against the side of the mixing bowl.
6) If you overshoot the mark you can always make the mixture less thick by adding rum or by adding a combination of eggs, melted butter and coconut blossom sugar.
7) Once done you can now scoop the mixture out into a pre greased baking tray. Bake in a preheated oven at 180 degrees celscius for about 20-25 minutes. You will know it is done when it has turned a golden brown, the crust has hardened slightly, and a fork poked into the centre of the cake comes out clean. Remember this is supposed to be a moist cake.
8 ) While the cake is baking you can now work on the glaze. Begin by melting the remaining butter in a saucepan.
9) Allow the butter to cool somewhat and then add the remaining Rum (so that it does not evaporate) and the remaining coconut blossom sugar. I also recommend adding a small quantity of Vanilla to this but thats just me.
10)Mix the glaze under a low heat, taking care to ensure the precious alcohol does not evaporate, When the cake is done baking remove it from the oven and without taking it out of the tray poke holes in it with a fork.
11) Gently pour the glaze over the cake, do this quickly as the cake still has to be hot for the glaze to set properly.
12) If the glaze is not being absorbed just poke more holes in the cake to ensure maximum absorbance.
13) Once you are satisfied you may leave the cake to set for a while before removing it.

And there you have it a simple Coconut Rum cake that doesn't cost much to make and goes well at any party you may throw. Bare in mind it does have a lot of alcohol it so maybe dont eat too much if you have to drive later.

 

[Pocket_Sand!]

@Dr. Boe Jangles Esq. I tried making the Shooter's Sandwiches, and they turned out very tasty, but a little soggy. I think that's primarily due to not being able to find decent bread in the middle of nowhere Midwest USA. Any good bread recipes you can recommend before I try out one of my own?