Corrupt-a-Wish

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Granted, but all jokes henceforth are only created and told by Amy Schumer.

I wish the MOAB was dropped on me.
 
Congrats, now 80% of the internets stinky shit posts are no longer contained-- or easy to document for lols.

I wish I could run a non-profit rescue for abandoned parrots
 
Granted, the IRS revokes your tax-exempt status and are arrested for tax evasion.

I wish the Chandler cats were rescued by a no kill animal shelter.
 
CWCchange said:
Granted, the IRS revokes your tax-exempt status and are arrested for tax evasion.

I wish the Chandler cats were rescued by a no kill animal shelter.
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Shmorky adopts them. Also, the dogs are left with the Chandlers and die of obesity.

I wish Assad and Maduro would step down.
 
They step down. Someone far worse takes their place and everyone knows you're to blame.

I wish for ten thousand dollars in cash.
 
Granted, but only because you got tired of waiting for Mrs. Chandler to ship out the shirt you paid for and did a charge-back.
I wish the circus across the street would stop staring into my windows at night.
 
Hooray! They stopped looking in your windows! Except with all their stalking, they've decided you're a threat and must be eliminated.

I wish I could play guitar as good as Buckethead.
 
Granted but your music attracts hordes of insatiable groupies that look, smell and act like the bastard lovechild of Chris, ADF and StephOnKnee. You're sucking lolcow chode and getting microcock raped the second you pick up a fuckin' plec dude.

I wish late frosts would stop killing my seedlings.
 
Granted, late frosts now kill people.

I wish I could generate electricity with my left pinky.
 
Amazing! You now have superpowers! Though this electricity starts in your pinkie, only to course through the rest of your body and cause permanent brain damage.

I wish I want obnoxious.
 
Granted, you can take a completely safe boat trip but you instead decide to take a United Airlines flight to be speedy. You are dragged off the flight and accused of child trafficking.

I wish bacon was free and in plentiful supply around the world.
 
GeneralFriendliness said:
Granted. You now want to be as obnoxious as possible.

I wish I could go to India without risk of danger.
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The perils of using your phone to post on KiwiFarms. Now I look like an uneducated troglodyte who can't spell the word "I."

DoshesToDoshes said:
I wish bacon was free and in plentiful supply around the world.
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Congrats! You now live in Bernie's America! Communism for all!

I wish I didn't make that typo on the last post I made.
 
You didn't make that typo on the last post, but instead type your post in Akkadian. No one understands you and you are generally thought of as more of a spastic than you already are.

I wish that the farms didn't flirt with the alt-right so frequently.
 
Granted, you reach India, but you get arrested there for adult trafficking.

I wish I could explore the very bottom of the sea.
 
Your wish is my command. When you get there, the pressure is too much and you implode.

I wish abandoned buildings weren't dangerous.
 
You manage to enter an abandoned shack in the woods. There are no squatting hobos on the property. No one has set foot on the land for years. There are corpses of children and animals everywhere, with decades of decay and some boiled in acid. Upon reporting this to the authorities, you are arrested for trespassing, and a suspect in the murders.

I wish my next paycheck is big
 
Granted. Here's your big check. Just look at it. Its bigger than your avatar!
Darkest-Hour.jpg


I wish I wasn't arrested in India for adult trafficking so I could enjoy the beaches that don't have poo in them.
 
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