- Joined
- Feb 13, 2018
This uses every single Mary Sue trope in the book. I refuse to believe that this isn't satire.
Hi! My name is Princess Dr. Lieutenant Headmaster Kristal Crescent Darkmoon Malibu Acekard Uchiha Speedy Fender Braginski Dubstep Pepper Ibn La'Ahad Harlem Dementia Raven Way Psychosis Geranium Deathstar Harmonia Rose Wacom Dyson Swire 2.0.2 Extended Remix! But you can just call me Kristal. People call me many things - Titties Moist; Destroyer of Nipples, B.L.A.C.K.D.I.A.M.O.N.D, The Third Reich, Harlot, The Lightning American, Ender of Universes, The Death Dealer, and even Tim. But don't let those names fool you, I'm just a normal scene! I'm 70,594,000 years old... I look 16 though, don't you think I age well? I'm immortal anyway. So technically I have no true age. By the way, don't forget - I'm a Cat Hedgehog Demon Angel Tiger Leopard Dragon Wolf Vampire Troll Windows 7 Devil Canadian Dildo! That's important scientific information!
I'm asexual, but I just couldn't resist pursuing intimate relations with Shadow the Hedgehog, who is destined to be my husband! The problem is, I already agreed to be the girlfriend of Scourge the Hedgehog because he's just so badass. But what I couldn't tell him was that I'm secretly dating Dante. We look so alike though, sometimes I'm scared I might be his sister, haha! But I'm also the fiance of Ty the Tasmanian Tiger, but I accidentally stabbed him with my nipple during intercourse one night, which really upset me. I was so depressed I had a one night stand with Itachi and spontaneously gave birth to a son I fell in love with because he looks a lot like Ichigo, my other love. I became upset again though because I just wasn't satisfied with his girth, so I just ran away and cried to England. I have no-one else! He cheered me up by having sex with me, and now we're lovers. Then Piccolo kidnapped me one day, he thought I was hot. But then suddenly, I was saved by some guy called Ingo and he looked like a train conductor so that automatically made him sexy. Some other guy who looked just like him though came up to us and started yelling or something. He seemed mad and jealous and mad. So while I went and left them to fight, I saw this really hot guy and he told me his name was Morty so I had hardcore kink sex with him and after that we fell in love, but then I decided he wasn't tsundere enough for my tastes, so I sat on a cliff and started crying because I just can't find the right one for me, but then Sora found me and offered to be my wife and then we were husband and wife! But I realized... My one and only true love was Draco Malfoy. And then we were a couple.
Now I live in Dark Foggy Death Forest where I work long hours as a doctor treating everyone of every ailment, allowing even the elderly to perform bounds of faith from their wheelchairs! I also have a degree in English, but you wouldn't know this by looking at something I wrote. This is because I'm a master of trickery as I work as a part-time magician, on top of my side-job as a military lieutenant where I win all the wars because my commands are always right. When I'm finished there, I go to my other job which is containing Zombie outbreaks in Raccoon City, I have never died once and I kill all of them! I'm also a master assassin in Italy and Ezio taught me of all the skills he ever knew ever, this is because I'm also a ninja from the Crouching Titty Hidden Penis Village and I was the best one there and am the best rank and am better than anyone. I had to leave though because my grandfather told me I was a Grimm, he knows this because he met Nick Burkhardt in person and he told him I was his daughter and I had to save the world from monsters because this was my purpose all along!
I can do many things, like control fire, water, earth, air, electricity, ice, light, dark and rainbow elements, heal myself and my friends even from death which requires me to shrink by one cup size, can raise the dead, can go super sonic saiyan tekken level 72 without the Dragon Emeralds, can speak and understand 20 languages fluently, I have a perfect singing voice and can serenade people to sleep with it, can cast hundreds of powerful magic spells, can rearrange my body structure to create weapons from myself, I have Hawkeye vision, can shapeshift into various kitchen appliances, can fly five-ever, can effectively play Amnesia using the glowing rings on my tail, I have psychokineis, I can survive in the sun, I never hurt or cry, can never die ever, and I have the power of cool! But, don't be jealous.
My family is a strange one. Ryuunosuke DragonFist Akira Moonchild Dolmio Sykes Uchiha and Susanoo RageHeart SpasmShin SpaghettiLeg DistressedThigh Swire are my sons, Abortion is my daughter, people tell me Dante is my older brother but that's gotta be just coincidence! That would make Vergil my older older brother and Nero would be my nephew and Sparda would be my daddy, who could believe that? But I do know Blaze the Cat is my aunt, Nappa is my grandfather, Pikachu is my nephew, Yugi is my little brother, Alex Mercer is my real father, Rukia is my sister, Miku is my one true mother, Solid Snake is my other grandfather, Bayonetta is my sister-in-law, Karkat is my other uncle, Alucard is my other great grandfather, Monkey D. Luffy is my adoptive brother, Spyro is my cousin, Lisa Simpson is my neice, and Sasuke is my ten-times removed brother!
I'm the most kindest and sweetest girl you could ever imagine, but get on my bad side or mess with my friends and you better watch out! I'm very loyal and I'll stick with you until the end no matter what, that's a promise! I'm kind of insane though, I go crazy when I'm angry. I'm also really random though! PIE! Haha! Fuck all of the haters, they just make us famous. They're jealous, so don't let them bring you down!
Thanks to my powers, I have many transformations. Like my true devil form that allows me to control all of the darkness and demons in the world when I'm angry, my Super form I can enter when I'm in a pinch and there's no plot twist in sight, my true angel form when people show me ALL of their appreciation and kiss me a lot, and of course, don't forget my number one true secret hidden ultimate limited edition form that I can only change into when the universe is going to be destroyed!
Oh, what happened in my past? Well, I was originally born in nothing, and the Dark Evil Lords of Satin wanted to kill everything so my dad showed them a picture of a toe painting of a sea slug and they were all like "That's really cleared my mind" and then they went away. Then we moved to a village on Mobius, but Eggman came and destroyed it and killed my parents so I swore revenge. And then I almost killed Eggman, but he told me he wasn't responsible because he was being mind-controlled and that only I could free him because I was a Digidestined, so I threw myself at a computer and then I told Lucemon he was mean, and he saw the error of his ways. Then I was bitten and I remember nothing else, until I wake up and suddenly Hitler was screaming at me and dinosaurs were everywhere and blood was on my neck and I was an angel/devil hybrid and everything. So then I used my timey-wimey-ball to put everything right and here I am now, living with my at least 100 boyfriends and being chased by many more and saving the world from bad creatures. It's no fair, I'm too good! IT'S A FUCKING CURSE!
So that's all on me, I guess. Let's be friends sometime! See ya!
Speaking of which,
