Dice Scum, the series.

[Surtur]

Not saying that it is impossible, but most went and closed up after the reseccion hit. Harder for those stores to stay open when less money will be going around. Unless they can be assured to be a regional hub, they probably wouldn't have opened in such a town to begin with.

Thats kinf of how the Texarkana one stays open. I think its the only FLGS between here and Dallas.

 

[SteelPlatedHeart]

Hey, if there's someone out there willing to open any kind of store for any kind of thing, why not have one of them be a role playing bored game store. Some people will keep a place going even if they're not making a profit simply because they want to provide a product to the customers they do have.

And keep in mind we don't have to go into too much detail and whatnot of everything. The core focus is a group of role play board gamers, I'd imagine we can take a few liberties with things.

 

[Orthodox Chrischanity]

I don't want to make something unrealistic. I just know where I'm staying in Florida, there's a game store along a backwater highway. It's about 10 minutes from the nearest supermarket. Gets traffic from most of the county, but possibly because parents see the place as a free babysitter. It's loud, it's crowded with M:tG players, and I think snacks and cards are what keeps it open.

So, something more bordering a major city? Less of a drive?

I don't want to handwave a reason for them to be open, like have the owner be a "trustafarian".

I think the finale of this serious is a horrendous Hamlet-style mass death after everyone agrees to play a game of "Diplomacy".

 

[SteelPlatedHeart]

I don't want to make something unrealistic. I just know where I'm staying in Florida, there's a game store along a backwater highway. It's about 10 minutes from the nearest supermarket. Gets traffic from most of the county, but possibly because parents see the place as a free babysitter. It's loud, it's crowded with M:tG players, and I think snacks and cards are what keeps it open.

So, something more bordering a major city? Less of a drive?

I don't want to handwave a reason for them to be open, like have the owner be a "trustafarian".

I think the finale of this serious is a horrendous Hamlet-style mass death after everyone agrees to play a game of "Diplomacy".

A suburb.

 

[Orthodox Chrischanity]

Spoiler: This is the general layout of the local board game store.

The two large tables in the back are typically reserved fro Living World campaigns, ones sponsored by the RPG makers themselves (WotC/Pathfinder). They usually have upwards of 12 chairs each. So, the crew can easily sit down with the rest of the zany characters that are regulars.

There's a library of board games on a high shelf that people can sign in and out like a library. Mostly German games, or those quick pick-up games like Ticket to Ride, or Power Grid (best board game EVAR!).

The terrain tables are heavy monstrosities with cardboard boxes stuffed full of random terrain features for people to run all kinds of games. People can get credit (albeit a mere pittance), if they come in with good, homemade terrain. This is something Tram, the architect of the group, takes advantage of (since @Adamska said that Tram builds little houses and stuff). So while Stephen may come in with his EXPENSIVE terrain he purchased online, Tram comes in with hot wire-cut foam creations that are decent in their own right.

 

[alex_theman]

Is there an actual store part seperate from the tables?

 

[Orthodox Chrischanity]

Is there an actual store part seperate from the tables?

Yeah, figured that wouldn't be all that necessary. Just showing that "bored game" stores are a thing, and that's a possible conceptual design.

Okay, got it. Suburb just outside Myrtle Beach, South Carolina. We can have beach episodes, where Aidan doesn't want to take his shirt off.

I think the store'll be called "The Devil's Pajamas Comics and Games". Or something silly like that.

It's run by Mathis "Owl-Eyes" Dupris. He's basically a metal roadie that finally put down roots. He's every Alice Cooper and Ozzy Osbourne concert tour t-shirts. Cardboard cutouts of shambling zombies and a mix of demonic posters and RPG promotional posters.

 

[rookie]

I lied, I'm putting it here instead.

Spoiler: Possible off-topic ramblings; spoiler just in case

So I don't know where it came from, but I was on one of my Tumblr accounts and I found some post that set me off.. I'm pretty sure it had to do with them trying to argue that they weren't "cashing in" on the trans lead. So What was going to start as a small ask became a long, kinda ranty critique that nitpicked the little details as to why people would think that, and I even criticized the animation and a few other things. (I didn't get screenshots of my message btw, and they didn't post it on their tumblr or message me back, I am a bad Kiwi). But like, some time later... Their tumblr actually followed me. And THAT I can provide proof of.

And I don't really know what to do now. It's been a few hours, and they haven't even posted my shpeal up. But they didn't react negatively to my statement and, well, they followed me. So Kiwis, what should I do in this situation? Should I follow them back and see where it goes, or should I just sit back and wait?

 

[SteelPlatedHeart]

I lied, I'm putting it here instead.

Spoiler: Possible off-topic ramblings; spoiler just in case

So I don't know where it came from, but I was on one of my Tumblr accounts and I found some post that set me off.. I'm pretty sure it had to do with them trying to argue that they weren't "cashing in" on the trans lead. So What was going to start as a small ask became a long, kinda ranty critique that nitpicked the little details as to why people would think that, and I even criticized the animation and a few other things. (I didn't get screenshots of my message btw, and they didn't post it on their tumblr or message me back, I am a bad Kiwi). But like, some time later... Their tumblr actually followed me. And THAT I can provide proof of.

And I don't really know what to do now. It's been a few hours, and they haven't even posted my shpeal up. But they didn't react negatively to my statement and, well, they followed me. So Kiwis, what should I do in this situation? Should I follow them back and see where it goes, or should I just sit back and wait?

If I had to guess, they're probably waiting to see if you say anything negative about the show then reblog and claim harassment.

So my knowledge of role playing board games is limited to watching Counter Monkey on YouTube, but I do think we're doing a really good job capturing the feel of a gaming group while also having fun spoofing it.

 

[RM 810]

I lied, I'm putting it here instead.

Spoiler: Possible off-topic ramblings; spoiler just in case

So I don't know where it came from, but I was on one of my Tumblr accounts and I found some post that set me off.. I'm pretty sure it had to do with them trying to argue that they weren't "cashing in" on the trans lead. So What was going to start as a small ask became a long, kinda ranty critique that nitpicked the little details as to why people would think that, and I even criticized the animation and a few other things. (I didn't get screenshots of my message btw, and they didn't post it on their tumblr or message me back, I am a bad Kiwi). But like, some time later... Their tumblr actually followed me. And THAT I can provide proof of.

And I don't really know what to do now. It's been a few hours, and they haven't even posted my shpeal up. But they didn't react negatively to my statement and, well, they followed me. So Kiwis, what should I do in this situation? Should I follow them back and see where it goes, or should I just sit back and wait?

Follow them back just so you can keep an eye on them.
Did you send them this as an ask or fanmail?

 

[Orthodox Chrischanity]

If I had to guess, they're probably waiting to see if you say anything negative about the show then reblog and claim harassment.

So my knowledge of role playing board games is limited to watching Counter Monkey on YouTube, but I do think we're doing a really good job capturing the feel of a gaming group while also having fun spoofing it.

If you're close by a game store, just go there on a Friday night (for Friday Night Magic), or Saturday. Check the pegboards for any games and what nights they're on. And just watch. It's actually pretty enlightening. That's how I got most of the ideas for characters.

I lied, I'm putting it here instead.

Spoiler: Possible off-topic ramblings; spoiler just in case

So I don't know where it came from, but I was on one of my Tumblr accounts and I found some post that set me off.. I'm pretty sure it had to do with them trying to argue that they weren't "cashing in" on the trans lead. So What was going to start as a small ask became a long, kinda ranty critique that nitpicked the little details as to why people would think that, and I even criticized the animation and a few other things. (I didn't get screenshots of my message btw, and they didn't post it on their tumblr or message me back, I am a bad Kiwi). But like, some time later... Their tumblr actually followed me. And THAT I can provide proof of.

And I don't really know what to do now. It's been a few hours, and they haven't even posted my shpeal up. But they didn't react negatively to my statement and, well, they followed me. So Kiwis, what should I do in this situation? Should I follow them back and see where it goes, or should I just sit back and wait?

Kind of torn. If they find out about us and our parody, they may try to steal our jokes!

 

[rookie]

If I had to guess, they're probably waiting to see if you say anything negative about the show then reblog and claim harassment.

So my knowledge of role playing board games is limited to watching Counter Monkey on YouTube, but I do think we're doing a really good job capturing the feel of a gaming group while also having fun spoofing it.

Maybe, maybe not; but my content is pretty much all art, so I wouldn't think they could go too far with that!

Follow them back just so you can keep an eye on them.
Did you send them this as an ask or fanmail?

I think I just might; idk, why in the world they'd follow me after that, but it's good to see what exactly it is they're like, ya kno?
And I sent it through the "Submit" button on their page; I know that fanmail can't, but Asks and Submits can be posted.

If you're close by a game store, just go there on a Friday night (for Friday Night Magic), or Saturday. Check the pegboards for any games and what nights they're on. And just watch. It's actually pretty enlightening. That's how I got most of the ideas for characters.


Kind of torn. If they find out about us and our parody, they may try to steal our jokes!

I mean, if they haven't found this board already, it's highly impossible they'll find us out through me. I keep everything posted here a secret on any social medias I may have; I'm not that dumb/nubbish. Our jokes are safe!

Also, on the topic of RPGs and game boards, I happen to live nearby one too, so I could just kinda go and examine a few games taking place one day, maybe get some concepts of the building down, not to be too powerlevelly...

 

[SteelPlatedHeart]

Okay, since it's been confirmed that redhead got kicked out of the house for being trans in Gen Zed, I defiantly want the parents to be supportive of Aiden. These shows always go with the "parents just don't get them" trope and I'd like to avoid that as much as possible. If the parents are shown for the characters, they should be as understanding as can be believed. Even Hayden's parents should know that the whole tumblr thing is a phase he's going through and just humor him for the most part.

 

[CWCissey]

Okay, since it's been confirmed that redhead got kicked out of the house for being trans in Gen Zed, I defiantly want the parents to be supportive of Aiden. These shows always go with the "parents just don't get them" trope and I'd like to avoid that as much as possible. If the parents are shown for the characters, they should be as understanding as can be believed. Even Hayden's parents should know that the whole tumblr thing is a phase he's going through and just humor him for the most part.

Nah I agree with the current characterisation where Aiden's parents are overly supportive. (Well, the mum is, the dad doesn't give a fuck)

 

[SteelPlatedHeart]

Nah I agree with the current characterisation where Aiden's parents are overly supportive. (Well, the mum is, the dad doesn't give a fuck)

That's what I meant. Overly supportive is still supportive. I just want to avoid the "shitty parents" thing that's always done.

 

[CWCissey]

That's what I meant. Overly supportive is still supportive. I just want to avoid the "shitty parents" thing that's always done.

Oh fair enough, I thought you meant like normal about it.

Although maybe something like the Only Gay In The Village sketches on Little Britain, where Aiden wants to be challenged for being trans, could be funny.

 

[SteelPlatedHeart]

Oh fair enough, I thought you meant like normal about it.

Although maybe something like the Only Gay In The Village sketches on Little Britain, where Aiden wants to be challenged for being trans, could be funny.

I feel like that would be more Hayden's thing than Aiden's.

 

[Orthodox Chrischanity]

I feel like that would be more Hayden's thing than Aiden's.

Spoiler: CWCissy's reference.

Definitely a Hayden thing. The Snowflake challenge.

This is going from parody show discussion to full-on pitch bible.

 

[Adamska]

So, after another couple hours of coop writing and thought, @Orthodox Chrischanity and I actually finished the first draft for the pilot episode. This is a good thing, since not only does this mean that we can actually start developing art assets and getting some of the V/A roles filled in, what we're currently doing might actually work as a pitch bible when properly compiled. Yes, we have enough assets that this is actually feasible . Now that there's impressive considering where we started off from. Right then, enough blabber, here's the script.

Feel free to critique and run through it, shredding it to pieces in the process. That'll make the final product all the tighter and more effective.

Spoiler: Script: Episode 1, First Draft

*From the title sting, a close-up of a box is slowly filmed outwards. A pair of hands opens the pre-cut box and lifts the lid. It reveals a pale white set of parts for a model, which glows with a sort of body halo of light. You hear the sounds of three people explicitly gasp in amazement as a hymn of saintly joy briefly plays out, amplifying the sense of awe. Immediately afterwards*

Aidan: [Slightly smug]Yeeaaahhhh…[/smug]

*The camera pans up and back, revealing the four players that will be partaking in a tabletop game with figures, much akin to Warhammer Fantasy*

Stephen: Is that...

Aidan: Yes... it is...

Tram: No way...

Aidan: Just came in today...

Chris: ...four initial attacks on....

Aidan (interrupting, annoyedly): Yes, yes, and counter-attacks with two dice if the opponent misses...

Chris (voice creaking from interruption, as he can't handle being cut off): ...may I... may I touch it?

Tram: Enough jerking off over there. Are we playing or not? I've got glue in my case if you want to put him on the table now.

*Tram Gestures to his glue, as he finishes assembling his small but high point army of battle trolls, great hairy things with bulbous noses and great weapons*

Aidan: Oh sure, thanks for that.

*Aidan begins setting up the pieces of their new Elven guardsman. Chris fidgets with each piece Aidan glues together and attaches. It looks like he wants to do it himself. He is snapped out of it when Tram snaps his fingers in his face*

Tram: Helloo, dude, we’re setting up the battlefield. You wanna chip in? Stephen’s parents got him some cool new stuff for it. We can recreate some neat terrain battles now!

*Chris sees Stephen, who’s donning a smug grin as he brings out the scenery to set up a forest battle. This includes miniature trees, hills, and even a ruined castle that looks like a replica of Himeji Castle. Chris goggles at the craftsmanship and rocks a bit in amazement. Epic sound effects as terrain gets placed one by one on the tables. Like a giant forest landing and making tree crackling noises, a hill slammed down and rocks can be heard. Aidan finishes their new Elite Guardsman unit in time to see a rather impressive battlefield take form*

Aidan: Whoa.

Tram: Man, this is gonna be way better than the last game. We actually can deal with cover, and I can actually play off on the terrain (his hands begin rubbing together sinisterly).

Chris: Scenario. Barbarians at the gate. Roll off. Okay, team 2 defends.

Stephen: But that's my castle...

Chris: Scenario. Barbarians at the gate. The they rolled for defense. They are in the castle.

Stephen: And we're not barbarians!

Chris: But I am the Bloodgut Clan. I have two units of Bloodgut Berserkers. 9 movement, 6 dice on the charge. Deploying here means there's a 45% chance that the elven bowmen, strength 8 on their bows, unless the Guardsman Elite is within 7 inches...

Tram: WHO GOES FIRST?!?

Chris: Offense goes first in barbarian at the gates.

Tram: Thaaaaaaaaaank you! (starts repositioning the trolls behind the gate) Aiden, put the bowmen in the parapets, have your cavalry behind the trolls to come in behind...

*Tram leans over all Grimal Wyrmtongue-like, fingers spread across the field. See what he's doing? He's only calculating for getting to the gate as fast as possible and delivering the most damage. Straight forward, but he may not have as many angles as he thinks...*

Stephen: These gaijin think they can just rule over our homelands like this! My forefathers built this great fortress back in the olden days. My shinobi force will find their secret paths of the heron castle, and open the gates for my Samurai!

Chris: Barbarians do not know the architecture of the fortress.

Stephen: What?!

Chris: Shinobi also only have a +2 bonus to stealth rolls and cannot sabotage. 5 attack, 3 armor, movement 8.

*Stephen sputters a bit before countering.*

Stephen: Alright then, what's your plan?!

Tram lightly flicks at one of the models behind the gate. Immediately Chris recognizes a barely-visible talon on a wing. HIs face pales some while Tram flicks a wicked grin. Tram turns to Aidan.

Tram: I had the points for a Maharavana tormentor to whip these guys into shape. They function kind of like your Guardsman Elite, but only with trolls. He saw it, and that alone fucked with his game plan....

Aidan: So... I will just... shoot at the katana guys?

Tram (steepling fingers, tone venomous): Oh yesssssssss... you must. They are within range...

Stephen: Heh, my Samurai all wear Arrow Cloaks! So I'll just reroll any attacks you fling my way.

Chris: Only applies to Daimyo Guard. Reroll defense for one ranged missile attack performed on a unit.

*Stephen rapidly flips through notes/rulebook, finding that Chris is right on the matter*

Stephen: But... but... I... FUCK!

Chris: I see no Daimyo Guard. Those are all Chosokabe Retainers. +2 damage to armored targets. 7 attack -

Aidan: So my Elven warriors shoot the Samurai guys then?

Tram: Yep!

Stephen: NO

Stephen: Fuckshitcock! And I added in the Nezumi skirmishers... but might as well just march them right up and say "kill me!" (*starts shaking Chris furiously) What do I do? I can't lose! Do you know how much I paid for them?

Chris: Nezumi Skirmishers cost 29.99 for a pack of five. 39.99 for a pack of ten, and have a distance of -

Stephen: Exactly!

Tram: Dude, it's not like they die permanently, they're just taken off the board.

Stephen: In the books it says my units train daily to hunt yokai! They must slay their first oni upon turning 12 years old! They shouldn't fucking die to those trolls and their fucking knife-eared asskissers!

Chris: Fluff does not equal rules.

Aidan: Yeah, if that was the case, then my Elite Guardsman would be the best unit here by stats, because they have seen literally centuries of battles.

Stephen: *screams internally at his army about to get owned by the Greenhome Dominion, aka faggot elves*

*Stephen glares at Chris hatefully*: What do I do?


Tram: What do YOU both do? You're a team... remeeeeeeeeember?

Chris: Distance 12... versus distance 10... *He rocks a bit as he tries to think of a way to stat out of it* ... berserkers have an armor value of 4...

Tram: I still find it funny to see a bunch of samurai associating with axe-wielding barbarians...

Stephen: And FUCKING ELVES ally with DEMONS and TROLLS?! *Screamed at an almost puberty like voice crack*

Aidan: First off, we aren't Elves, we're Greenhome Dominion, and second-

Tram: 6th Edition states they have an alliance of convenience *grins* unlike you and barbarian boy there. Now see? We may be trolls, but we have a civilized hierarchy, much like the Greenhome. We have a good warrior tradition, unlike those barbarians over there. We all have something in common... unlike that faction full of unclean rapists.

Chris: Chosokabe Retainers have an armor value of 6, where as my Bloodgut Freemen have an armor of 5. Dominon Arrows can be fired as Bodkin or Broadhead. Retainers have 12 wounds, but Freemen have 15... Bloodgut Berserkers have 22 while in rage... Depending on what Aidan allotted. And looking at his models, he allotted for both. Expensive army with fewer models, but in this defensive position....

Tram: Sounds like he's gonna throw you to the wolves huh? Probably shouldn't have invested in a larger army of generalized units now.

Aidan: So, I'll just keep laying on covering fire, right?

Tram: If he's just gonna stand there and take it, and let those filthy barbarians take back his castle instead of him, I can't see why not?

Aidan (picking up an almost insane amount of dice): Okay, laying covering fire here. Here. Here. Here. And here....

Tram: Just imagine how the Daimyo would take this: his grandfather's castle taken not by his own men, but by the raging barbarians that loot his rice fields, steal his women and men, and kill for sport. His own retainers sullying their honor by working with these foul tusked beasts, and not even being able to restore their honor in combat. They were used to catch arrows as the brutes charged in to save the day.

*Aidan rolls his first attack*

Aidan: Oh wow, I got a lot of successes. Hm… That guy’s dead, as is this one. This guy’s not quite, but he may as well be. That dude also took a pretty good hit, considering that was where I had my Broadhead fire at.

Tram: Okay... time to open the gates... It's going to be a fucking SLAUGHTER when the maharavana come out...

*Stephen sees that that unit that got nailed with the broadheads was one of the cheaper hero units he could've fielded. The Sohei Benkei. It's a Naginata Monk and his first figure he owned.*

Tram: And aww... the hero is no longer on the field. Those savages let him die like a biiiiiiiitch...

Chris: The best solution would be for my Freemen and the Retainers to fight as one now. Then my Berserkers can rage, counter charge, and hack the archers to pieces. The skirmishers would be needed to fight the Maharavana, as it has no range. Over half the unit of skirmishers will die in one round, but you should do enough damage that I will be able to...

Stephen: NO! I won't let any more of my guys die just to let YOU win!

Chris: No, we would both win. Two on two teams win so long as they are the only team with units left. Statistically, we would win this encounter –

Stephen: No! I'm declaring a charge against the Maharavana.

Chris: No, you can't score that many successes with that unit.

Aidan: HAH! Too late! He committed his action!

*Chris begins to fiddle his hands in nervousness, looking down and muttering*

Chris: Maharavana Tormentor. 40 Wounds. 10 Armor. Can strike two squares in any direction with its whip. Sword also counts as two squares. Health Absorption: Slain foes heal 1d6 wounds. Inspire: All friendly units experience +1 to attack and distance.

Tram: And I still haven't summoned Pridash, Raja of the Wastes... And considering that your lancer guy there was about the only challenge to Pridash, you're fucking hosed.

Stephen: It's a naginata! Not a lance!

Chris: Naginata and Lances count as pole-arm weapons due to length. Much like Maharavana Tormentor's Firangi Blade

Stephen: But it's not CALLED a lance! It's a naginata, which was a far superior weapon than...

Chris: Fluff does not equal rules. The rules say it's counted as a lance weapon.

Aidan: Plus, it's not like the naginata helped when bows were involved. Not so superior in that case.

Chris: I just need to get within melee range now. Your Nezumi skirmishers can flank them and take out plenty of the Greenhome archers. You just need 4 sixes on 10 dice and that should be enough to render Aidan's defense near worthless.

Tram: Yes. See? Chris can win. But don't worry. They won't sing songs of your tragic deaths.

Stephen: How about you go off and take on the Elves then, I’m sticking here and actually taking on these trolls with my army, while you do clean up!

Chris: *Stress sighs* The Skirmishers work better with a low armor target. Greenhome Archers have an armor rating of 2. The skirmishers would do better countersniping them, even if they get one less die roll than their counterpart. Trolls on the other hand are Armor 7. Even my Berserkers are likely to die in protracted combat, either in two or three rounds depending on how many sixes I or Tram get. My freemen would not do so well… movement is two shorter as opposed to the same, and my armor 4 would be chewed up by broadhead and bodkin, since that is classified as medium armor.

Stephen: THEN WHY DID YOU WANT TO SEND THEM TO THEIR DEATHS AGAINST THE DEMON?!



Chris: Collective fire, especially with lucky six rolls, would outpace the Tormentor's regeneration ability. It would also kill the biggest threat on the board.

Tram: Nope, that'd be Pridash, who's (sing-songy): coming as we speeeeeeeeaaaaaak!

Stephen: Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. I... I...

*Stephen suddenly gets up and actually flips the table in rage, huffing and puffing out of anger. The other three are absolutely startled by this, since they weren’t expecting him to be this goddamned mad. You hear Owl-Eyes curse him out in the background*

Owl-Eyes: Oi, you’d best not have broken anything if you want to keep coming here!

Aidan: You’re definitely buying us lunch for that… And any figures that you might’ve broken.
END

By the by, if any of you guys know anything about marketing... now would be the time to speak up. Mainly because it'd be useful to know what the market for this thing is. It's being done for fun, true, but it'd be interesting to see how far this goes. Especially compared to the thing it's mocking.

 

[SteelPlatedHeart]

So, after another couple hours of coop writing and thought, @Orthodox Chrischanity and I actually finished the first draft for the pilot episode. This is a good thing, since not only does this mean that we can actually start developing art assets and getting some of the V/A roles filled in, what we're currently doing might actually work as a pitch bible when properly compiled. Yes, we have enough assets that this is actually feasible . Now that there's impressive considering where we started off from. Right then, enough blabber, here's the script.

Feel free to critique and run through it, shredding it to pieces in the process. That'll make the final product all the tighter and more effective.

Spoiler: Script: Episode 1, First Draft

*From the title sting, a close-up of a box is slowly filmed outwards. A pair of hands opens the pre-cut box and lifts the lid. It reveals a pale white set of parts for a model, which glows with a sort of body halo of light. You hear the sounds of three people explicitly gasp in amazement as a hymn of saintly joy briefly plays out, amplifying the sense of awe. Immediately afterwards*

Aidan: [Slightly smug]Yeeaaahhhh…[/smug]

*The camera pans up and back, revealing the four players that will be partaking in a tabletop game with figures, much akin to Warhammer Fantasy*

Stephen: Is that...

Aidan: Yes... it is...

Tram: No way...

Aidan: Just came in today...

Chris: ...four initial attacks on....

Aidan (interrupting, annoyedly): Yes, yes, and counter-attacks with two dice if the opponent misses...

Chris (voice creaking from interruption, as he can't handle being cut off): ...may I... may I touch it?

Tram: Enough jerking off over there. Are we playing or not? I've got glue in my case if you want to put him on the table now.

*Tram Gestures to his glue, as he finishes assembling his small but high point army of battle trolls, great hairy things with bulbous noses and great weapons*

Aidan: Oh sure, thanks for that.

*Aidan begins setting up the pieces of their new Elven guardsman. Chris fidgets with each piece Aidan glues together and attaches. It looks like he wants to do it himself. He is snapped out of it when Tram snaps his fingers in his face*

Tram: Helloo, dude, we’re setting up the battlefield. You wanna chip in? Stephen’s parents got him some cool new stuff for it. We can recreate some neat terrain battles now!

*Chris sees Stephen, who’s donning a smug grin as he brings out the scenery to set up a forest battle. This includes miniature trees, hills, and even a ruined castle that looks like a replica of Himeji Castle. Chris goggles at the craftsmanship and rocks a bit in amazement. Epic sound effects as terrain gets placed one by one on the tables. Like a giant forest landing and making tree crackling noises, a hill slammed down and rocks can be heard. Aidan finishes their new Elite Guardsman unit in time to see a rather impressive battlefield take form*

Aidan: Whoa.

Tram: Man, this is gonna be way better than the last game. We actually can deal with cover, and I can actually play off on the terrain (his hands begin rubbing together sinisterly).

Chris: Scenario. Barbarians at the gate. Roll off. Okay, team 2 defends.

Stephen: But that's my castle...

Chris: Scenario. Barbarians at the gate. The they rolled for defense. They are in the castle.

Stephen: And we're not barbarians!

Chris: But I am the Bloodgut Clan. I have two units of Bloodgut Berserkers. 9 movement, 6 dice on the charge. Deploying here means there's a 45% chance that the elven bowmen, strength 8 on their bows, unless the Guardsman Elite is within 7 inches...

Tram: WHO GOES FIRST?!?

Chris: Offense goes first in barbarian at the gates.

Tram: Thaaaaaaaaaank you! (starts repositioning the trolls behind the gate) Aiden, put the bowmen in the parapets, have your cavalry behind the trolls to come in behind...

*Tram leans over all Grimal Wyrmtongue-like, fingers spread across the field. See what he's doing? He's only calculating for getting to the gate as fast as possible and delivering the most damage. Straight forward, but he may not have as many angles as he thinks...*

Stephen: These gaijin think they can just rule over our homelands like this! My forefathers built this great fortress back in the olden days. My shinobi force will find their secret paths of the heron castle, and open the gates for my Samurai!

Chris: Barbarians do not know the architecture of the fortress.

Stephen: What?!

Chris: Shinobi also only have a +2 bonus to stealth rolls and cannot sabotage. 5 attack, 3 armor, movement 8.

*Stephen sputters a bit before countering.*

Stephen: Alright then, what's your plan?!

Tram lightly flicks at one of the models behind the gate. Immediately Chris recognizes a barely-visible talon on a wing. HIs face pales some while Tram flicks a wicked grin. Tram turns to Aidan.

Tram: I had the points for a Maharavana tormentor to whip these guys into shape. They function kind of like your Guardsman Elite, but only with trolls. He saw it, and that alone fucked with his game plan....

Aidan: So... I will just... shoot at the katana guys?

Tram (steepling fingers, tone venomous): Oh yesssssssss... you must. They are within range...

Stephen: Heh, my Samurai all wear Arrow Cloaks! So I'll just reroll any attacks you fling my way.

Chris: Only applies to Daimyo Guard. Reroll defense for one ranged missile attack performed on a unit.

*Stephen rapidly flips through notes/rulebook, finding that Chris is right on the matter*

Stephen: But... but... I... FUCK!

Chris: I see no Daimyo Guard. Those are all Chosokabe Retainers. +2 damage to armored targets. 7 attack -

Aidan: So my Elven warriors shoot the Samurai guys then?

Tram: Yep!

Stephen: NO

Stephen: Fuckshitcock! And I added in the Nezumi skirmishers... but might as well just march them right up and say "kill me!" (*starts shaking Chris furiously) What do I do? I can't lose! Do you know how much I paid for them?

Chris: Nezumi Skirmishers cost 29.99 for a pack of five. 39.99 for a pack of ten, and have a distance of -

Stephen: Exactly!

Tram: Dude, it's not like they die permanently, they're just taken off the board.

Stephen: In the books it says my units train daily to hunt yokai! They must slay their first oni upon turning 12 years old! They shouldn't fucking die to those trolls and their fucking knife-eared asskissers!

Chris: Fluff does not equal rules.

Aidan: Yeah, if that was the case, then my Elite Guardsman would be the best unit here by stats, because they have seen literally centuries of battles.

Stephen: *screams internally at his army about to get owned by the Greenhome Dominion, aka faggot elves*

*Stephen glares at Chris hatefully*: What do I do?


Tram: What do YOU both do? You're a team... remeeeeeeeeember?

Chris: Distance 12... versus distance 10... *He rocks a bit as he tries to think of a way to stat out of it* ... berserkers have an armor value of 4...

Tram: I still find it funny to see a bunch of samurai associating with axe-wielding barbarians...

Stephen: And FUCKING ELVES ally with DEMONS and TROLLS?! *Screamed at an almost puberty like voice crack*

Aidan: First off, we aren't Elves, we're Greenhome Dominion, and second-

Tram: 6th Edition states they have an alliance of convenience *grins* unlike you and barbarian boy there. Now see? We may be trolls, but we have a civilized hierarchy, much like the Greenhome. We have a good warrior tradition, unlike those barbarians over there. We all have something in common... unlike that faction full of unclean rapists.

Chris: Chosokabe Retainers have an armor value of 6, where as my Bloodgut Freemen have an armor of 5. Dominon Arrows can be fired as Bodkin or Broadhead. Retainers have 12 wounds, but Freemen have 15... Bloodgut Berserkers have 22 while in rage... Depending on what Aidan allotted. And looking at his models, he allotted for both. Expensive army with fewer models, but in this defensive position....

Tram: Sounds like he's gonna throw you to the wolves huh? Probably shouldn't have invested in a larger army of generalized units now.

Aidan: So, I'll just keep laying on covering fire, right?

Tram: If he's just gonna stand there and take it, and let those filthy barbarians take back his castle instead of him, I can't see why not?

Aidan (picking up an almost insane amount of dice): Okay, laying covering fire here. Here. Here. Here. And here....

Tram: Just imagine how the Daimyo would take this: his grandfather's castle taken not by his own men, but by the raging barbarians that loot his rice fields, steal his women and men, and kill for sport. His own retainers sullying their honor by working with these foul tusked beasts, and not even being able to restore their honor in combat. They were used to catch arrows as the brutes charged in to save the day.

*Aidan rolls his first attack*

Aidan: Oh wow, I got a lot of successes. Hm… That guy’s dead, as is this one. This guy’s not quite, but he may as well be. That dude also took a pretty good hit, considering that was where I had my Broadhead fire at.

Tram: Okay... time to open the gates... It's going to be a fucking SLAUGHTER when the maharavana come out...

*Stephen sees that that unit that got nailed with the broadheads was one of the cheaper hero units he could've fielded. The Sohei Benkei. It's a Naginata Monk and his first figure he owned.*

Tram: And aww... the hero is no longer on the field. Those savages let him die like a biiiiiiiitch...

Chris: The best solution would be for my Freemen and the Retainers to fight as one now. Then my Berserkers can rage, counter charge, and hack the archers to pieces. The skirmishers would be needed to fight the Maharavana, as it has no range. Over half the unit of skirmishers will die in one round, but you should do enough damage that I will be able to...

Stephen: NO! I won't let any more of my guys die just to let YOU win!

Chris: No, we would both win. Two on two teams win so long as they are the only team with units left. Statistically, we would win this encounter –

Stephen: No! I'm declaring a charge against the Maharavana.

Chris: No, you can't score that many successes with that unit.

Aidan: HAH! Too late! He committed his action!

*Chris begins to fiddle his hands in nervousness, looking down and muttering*

Chris: Maharavana Tormentor. 40 Wounds. 10 Armor. Can strike two squares in any direction with its whip. Sword also counts as two squares. Health Absorption: Slain foes heal 1d6 wounds. Inspire: All friendly units experience +1 to attack and distance.

Tram: And I still haven't summoned Pridash, Raja of the Wastes... And considering that your lancer guy there was about the only challenge to Pridash, you're fucking hosed.

Stephen: It's a naginata! Not a lance!

Chris: Naginata and Lances count as pole-arm weapons due to length. Much like Maharavana Tormentor's Firangi Blade

Stephen: But it's not CALLED a lance! It's a naginata, which was a far superior weapon than...

Chris: Fluff does not equal rules. The rules say it's counted as a lance weapon.

Aidan: Plus, it's not like the naginata helped when bows were involved. Not so superior in that case.

Chris: I just need to get within melee range now. Your Nezumi skirmishers can flank them and take out plenty of the Greenhome archers. You just need 4 sixes on 10 dice and that should be enough to render Aidan's defense near worthless.

Tram: Yes. See? Chris can win. But don't worry. They won't sing songs of your tragic deaths.

Stephen: How about you go off and take on the Elves then, I’m sticking here and actually taking on these trolls with my army, while you do clean up!

Chris: *Stress sighs* The Skirmishers work better with a low armor target. Greenhome Archers have an armor rating of 2. The skirmishers would do better countersniping them, even if they get one less die roll than their counterpart. Trolls on the other hand are Armor 7. Even my Berserkers are likely to die in protracted combat, either in two or three rounds depending on how many sixes I or Tram get. My freemen would not do so well… movement is two shorter as opposed to the same, and my armor 4 would be chewed up by broadhead and bodkin, since that is classified as medium armor.

Stephen: THEN WHY DID YOU WANT TO SEND THEM TO THEIR DEATHS AGAINST THE DEMON?!



Chris: Collective fire, especially with lucky six rolls, would outpace the Tormentor's regeneration ability. It would also kill the biggest threat on the board.

Tram: Nope, that'd be Pridash, who's (sing-songy): coming as we speeeeeeeeaaaaaak!

Stephen: Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. I... I...

*Stephen suddenly gets up and actually flips the table in rage, huffing and puffing out of anger. The other three are absolutely startled by this, since they weren’t expecting him to be this goddamned mad. You hear Owl-Eyes curse him out in the background*

Owl-Eyes: Oi, you’d best not have broken anything if you want to keep coming here!

Aidan: You’re definitely buying us lunch for that… And any figures that you might’ve broken.
END

By the by, if any of you guys know anything about marketing... now would be the time to speak up. Mainly because it'd be useful to know what the market for this thing is. It's being done for fun, true, but it'd be interesting to see how far this goes. Especially compared to the thing it's mocking.

Oh. I just remembered! I found this for Stephen, figured we can use it for when he starts cursing. Just make it that he mispronounces it.

Also, is it bad that I want Aiden to say "Pew pew!" when he has his units attacks, only to immediately realize how stupid that sounds?

"Pew pew! Wait, no...that sounds fucking stupid."