*The episode opens up with a quote by President Eisenhower: “I find plans useless, but planning indispensable." It opens up with Stephen in his weeb fortress (his house) pondering to himself what game system to run for the group. His room is full of minifigures, a mixture of magical girl, mecha, and shonen animes across the boards.
Large set maps, and cases holding figurines litter the room as well. The room has a collection of clothes on the floor and a couple of plates on the desk with his 4000 dollar computer. Points of pride include a replica of Guts’ sword, a pair of Simon’s glasses, and an “authentic” katana and wakizashi with sheaths on the wall. In the closet you see a glimpse of a dakimakura, Usagi from Sailor Moon just barely made out on it (reference)*
Stephen: Kuso! I haven’t found a game worth running! OU Dragon’s Pass is out. Gloria-baasama does that every two weeks, and Hayden’s attempt kinda soured that. Besides, it doesn’t work for the setting! OU’s Tek Soldiers is out since that Mainlander does it every other week too! Plus I don’t want to just do Zaibatsu Yakuza espionage. I want something more fun than that.
*Stephen resolves to looking back through his horrendously huge amount of splatbooks and resources in his bookshelf full of manga, children’s books, and splatbooks before stumbling on something that makes him pause. He begins giggling to himself in glee before finally exclaiming “Yatta!” out loud. The scene then cuts to later on to the store where Aiden and Tram are walking towards the door. Tram looks like they’re going to their execution while Aiden is cautiously optimistic.*
Tram: This is gonna hurt. A lot.
Aidan: I don’t think Stephen could be that bad Tram. I mean, at least it’s unlikely he’ll force you to play a gay wizard again. Plus this’ll be the first White Wolf game I’ve ever done! I mean, worst comes to worst it’ll probably just be a hack-n-slash murderhobo game, so kind of like yours but, you know, without the plot.
Tram: Hey, I resent that comparison! You’ve only seen him play edgelord duelist characters. Dumb as shit but relatively harmless. I fucking dread what horrible ideas he has stored in that noggin of his for our campaign. You have yet to see when he plays underaged cat girls that uses seduce for instance.
Aidan: He does what.
Tram: For all we know, we’ll play schoolgirl vampires that get grappled by octopoid werewolves or some other fantasy from his magical realm. And this is Vampire, a game that caters to that special snowflake fuckery and creep factor!
Aidan: No, seriously, repeat that bit about the cat-girls.
*Tram doesn’t answer this question as the two walk into the store with trepidation, walking past Mathis who gives them a look of condolence. They spot Harold, Nastya, Chris, Hayden, and Stephen at the table. Stephen and Hayden are both dressed all out for this occasion. Chris and Hayden are the only ones that seems relatively comfortable with this scenario. Harold is weirded out and uncomfortable, and Nastya is very intently texting while ignoring the current ST and Hayden. (when is Hayden not looking like he’s ready for a WoD LARP?)
Stephen is for once completely dressed up, wearing a kimono with some weird insignia that Aidan can’t recognize, his hair redone to try and go for a samurai’s bob. He is sitting on a cushion similar to what Gloria might do, but in a kneed position. Every time Stephen stands up, he has to pull the extremely long sleeves back to keep from catching pencils or knocking the GM screen over.
Hayden is wearing a horrible mish-mash of Celto-Chinese wear, much akin to a punk rock Chun-Li wearing a Utilikilt and plaid, wearing those WoD ankhs once more.*
Aidan: …
Tram: Well fuck, he dressed up for this, and wasn’t killed by rednecks in the parking lot. This is gonna suck balls. HARD.
Harold: Well, now that the stragglers have shown up, can we begin the game now? I already created a couple of character sheets (hands one to a completely bored Nastya) and I certainly hope that others did the same.
*Stephen snatches the paper mid transfer suddenly*
Harold: Hey!
Nastya: Rude boy!
*He looks at the sheet, scowls, and hands it back to Harold*
Stephen: You need to change that sheet. It doesn’t fit in this setting.
Harold: What?! You tell us that this is Vampire: the Masquerade Dark Ages, taking place in Feudal Japan. You never specified module, which means a Ventrue merchant should be fine for these circumstances!
Chris: He has a point Stephen, you didn’t tell us what clans were acceptable, only the setting. I had to read the rules to understand the system as I never played.
Aidan (to Tram): The fuck’s a Ventrue?
Hayden: *scoffs* You don’t know?
Aidan: Uh… no. Never played. Only ever heard of people LARPing this stuff.
Hayden: They are the aristocrats of the vampire world, the decision makers, refined, dominant.
Tram: So basically uptight snobs that’re so picky about what they eat they tantrum when things don’t go their way.
Hayden: *snorts with derision*
Harold (continuing rant): You never mentioned anything about Kindred of the East and the like, and in fact used Vancouver by Night, a module before the East was clarified!
Stephen: Kindred of the wha? *perks up*
Harold (flustered): No, tell us right fucking now what you want. I wanted to get this done quickly, but nooo, you waste our time with character building.
Aidan: Well… I didn’t have a sheet ready anyway, so it’s fine with me.
*Harold looks a bit miffed at Aidan for not doing this before showing up*
Chris: These systems are contradictory. Which one are we going to play with? I’d be more comfortable if…
Stephen: It’s gonna be based on the core rulebook.
Chris: But the disciplines work differently in this supplement; first edition is a lot different than the 20th Anniversary.
Stephen: Shut it baka! Just acknowledge that the core rulebook is how we’re playing! That stuff is for flavor, now make your character!
Tram: Any clues on what you want Sherlock?
Stephen: You are all Bushi serving a vampiric daimyo!
Tram: Unless you’re a rice-counter… yeah, that’s right, a rice-counter, you were a warrior. Hey, I’ll be a rice-counter!
Stephen: Rice-counter? What the? No! You’re warriors!
Harold: *Scoffs* So what you’re saying is fuck our choices we have to kowtow to yours?
Tram (grinning): Kowtow is a Chinese word. Be careful.
Harold: So merchants are out, how about something like a scribe? I mean lords and stuff always had scribes, right darling.
Nastya: Da, whatever you say *she’s currently now painting her nails out of sheer boredom*
Stephen: No, the daimyo needs warriors, and warriors you shall be. How hard is this to get?
Tram: So I guess I can be a calligraphy focused warrior right?
Stephen: Eh?
Tram: Yeah, samurai went into different fields all the time, and calligraphy and bureaucracy was definitely an option since they were respected for their arts.
Harold: So I can be one then, grand!
Stephen: By Amaterasu, no! What part of warrior do you bakas not get?! The daimyo doesn’t want pencilpushers!
Tram: They used calligraphy brushes.
Stephen: Shut-up you fucking mainlander! If you don’t wanna die, you invest in combat.
Harold: What’s the point of doing this if there’s no chance for a story whatsoever? This is the type of shit you’d do for dungeon crawling, and even those allow characters to talk.
*Harold sighs despondently as he readjusts his and Nastya’s characters to be a bit more combat oriented. He surreptitiously begins min-maxing his leadership skills and disciplines out of spite. Chris decides to change his more utility based character to get some skill in melee, sighing as he sacrifices even more of his generation to get more skills to make up for it. Hayden is mostly alright, but changes a few dots here and there as the others work as it fits her. At no point does Stephen bother to help Chris, who is still only semi-sure about his character, or Aidan, who never played.
Chris fidgets and mutters a bit about how the game won’t work with this situation as he religiously looks back to Dark Age’s rule structure and Vancouver by Night’s to make heads or tails of this team build. Meanwhile Tram and Aidan are making their character sheets while Hayden looks in/gives advice, being the most experienced player of the bunch (oh god…)*
Aidan: So since this is warrior stuff, is there a particular group that does well in combat?
Hayden: Aye, it’s the Brujah, the witches. A favorite clan of mine. They’re orators, rebels, and--
Tram: Dudes who’d vote for Ron Paul, Bernie Sanders, or any other no-chancer while throwing temper tantrums. They punch the fuck out of stuff and are super fast.
Hayden *miffed*: That stereotype is only part of what they can do you unimaginative beast. You hardly give the fluff any justice.
Tram: I dunno, I think I summed ‘em up perfectly. Wait… if this is based on Dark Age, does that mean I get to play those edgelord clans?
Hayden: The Sabbat? Actually, yes… we can.
*Hayden giggles as they change the clan and the disciplines they have available.*
Stephen: Wait, I don’t-
Tram: Too late, Edgelord clans are in! Besides, it’s not like you can’t be a warrior while being one of those shadow dudes. You could pull a Darth Vader to some degree with that too now that I think about it.
Stephen: Hmm-- Yeah, Sabbat are allowed then.
Tram: Guess if I wanted to, I could play those dudes who literally sculpt flesh… eh, I think I’ll stick with cammie stuff. Maybe like one of them wolfmen who’s one of them Wako pirates!
Aidan: Cammie, Sabbat? Guys you’re losing me here.
Tram: Not important to the game to be honest since it’s not a thing yet. Let’s just set you up with that Brujah punching machine.
Aidan: Isn’t that a little bit stupid to play though? I mean, this game is supposed to be like a very role-play oriented game and we’re gonna murderhobo it.
Stephen: Do not doubt me my cute little genin. The story will be totally awesome.
Tram: First of all, cute? Dude, you in that dress and saying that screams Sex Offender Registry.
Stephen: It’s not a dress! It’s a Kimono that Samurai would wear you fucking ignorant Longnose!
Tram *Ignoring what Stephen said*: And second,Genin? Don’t quite think that’s the term you’re looking for bro.
Stephen: Shut up and finish your character! Kuso, is this supposed to be this hard?!
Aidan: So… if this is combat based, could I be like a Brujah monk?
Stephen: Uh…
Tram: I can’t see why not. Ikko-ikki being zealous Jodo Shinshu Buddhists and all.
Stephen: I… don’t know…
Tram: They can wield pole-aaarms *sing-song*
Stephen: Okay! Monks work too.
Harold: Then I’m becoming a monk too.
Stephen: *Mumbling* Stupid gaijin, ruining my game ideas.
*At this point, the boring technical bullshit, ranging from statting and the like are done off screen and/or in a montage. The scenario changes jarringly to a war-torn battlefield much akin to Okehazama or another battle in the Sengoku Jidai. The characters literally fucking pop in too, representing the clownshoes narration that will dictate this fuck fest*
Harold: So… how did we get on this battlefield? What drove us, disparate clans from a variety of fields to join here?
Stephen: Eh? Oh, well… uhh,
*A shuffling sound is heard as he looks through each person’s bio*
Stephen: Heh, I meant to say that you have all been invited to the local court of a daimyo. His advisor, one of the kindred, wanted to arrange a group of warriors that could decisively win this fight, as an elite group of kindred like you guys could definitely do it.
Aidan: What’s the fight about anyway?
Stephen: To become Shogun, of course.
Tram: So is this Oda Nobunaga we’re dealing with? Or is it someone else? Because you have Uesugi Kenshin, Takeda Shingen, the Ashikaga Shoguns…
Stephen: Oda Nobunaga, duh.
Hayden: Wasn’t he an oppressive sociopath?
Tram: Absolutely ruthless and willing to win in whatever way, shape or form. I like this already…
Aidan: Please give him a chance before doing whatever you’re planning on doing.
Tram: It needs set up time anyway. Besides, too late.
Aidan: What do you-
Tram: You’ll see.
*The scene turns back to the game, rather than the bombed out battlefield, the world's most anime and generic looking room is the setting, with only the advisor being in the room. Harold’s character twitches at the absolute lack of flavor or world building*
Stephen: The advisor to the Daimyo beckons you to sit at the table arranged for this meeting. He is an experienced Ashigaru, you can tell from the way he wields his Naginata-
Aidan: Why is he armed if we aren’t wielding our weapons?
Stephen *Ignores Aidan*: His eyes speak of experience and pain of the centuries…
Tram: ... What does he look like. *in an expectant tone, one laced with disappointment*
Stephen: Well good news, I got art of him for you guys!
*Stephen then unleashes one of his notes, passing it around the table. Hayden looks at it with an appraising eye and shakes their head mumbling they could do better. The only other reaction is from Tram and Chris, the former facepalming hard, and the latter looking at the doodle and back to Stephen. When Aidan sees it, he then notices it’s a tracing of Guts from Berserk but recolored to look like Stephen if he was Japanese.*
Aidan: Ah.
Stephen: “So you are the men--”
Hayden: *Coughs at that, with Harold hiding a smirk remembering something*
Tram: You mean people.
Stephen: “Yeah, people that were brought in for the job? I’m not impressed”
Harold: *Raises an eyebrow* “You commissioned us to help in the affairs of our prey, looked for people with our qualities, and you doubt we’re any good while researching us, but still hired us anyway. Is that what I’m hearing?”
Stephen: “Baka. I want to see if you were actually worth the coin and services you have been promised.”
Hayden: “You doubt the skills of the greatest swordsperson of the land? One who has been trained and dueled with others for hundreds of years?”
Chris: Considering the flaws in your build, I would state that it is merited.
Hayden and Stephen: What flaws?
Chris: Well, for one thing, there is the Toreador wea-
*Tram knees Chris silently at this point, who flinches a bit at the contact before realizing why he was kneed. He looks to Tram baffled, but continues regardless.*
Chris: Toreadors have an obsession they fall into based on the core books.
Stephen: Eh, don’t worry, I know all about this.
Chris: Did you even read our character sheets?
Stephen: When combat comes in, I will.
*Aidan looks at the group as a whole on this, realizing just what is probably going to happen because of it based on Hayden and Tram’s expressions. He is resigned to this night being clownshoes and decides to join in.*
Stephen: “We will see if your skills are as legendary as you think. *He turns to Harold and Nastya’s character at this point*. I especially doubt that Bishamonten blesses a scribe and… uh…”
Harold: Courtesan.
Stephen: The heck’s that?
Nastya: It is like a Geisha.
Stephen: Ooooohhhh. “And a Geisha. Our Lord calls for samurai and I get this?”
Harold: “Offending my boss is not wise. He is the largest owner of gambling dens in the lands and can do many things the sword cannot.”
Aidan: So is he like a Yakuza?
Tram: Bakuto in this point of time. Oyabun in fact based on what Harold said.
Stephen: “And then we have an sennin. A man of peace, ready for a war? Don’t make me laugh.”
Aidan: “In order to have peace, sometimes one must take up the ways of war. Especially when the heavens themselves roil with conflict.”
Stephen: “Hmph. The mission you and your nakama have would be simple if you took the way of the warrior. A castle overseeing a major pass is in the hands of a traitorous lord. Take the castle by any means, and we will go from there.”
*The group then is awkwardly deposited in front of the castle, which looks like the one from the Castle of Cagliostro, which Stephen passes around to show the group*
Aidan: No time to prepare?
Stephen: A warrior should’ve always been ready. The guards notice the group and they step as one in challenge.
Harold: Don’t worry, we have this, right dear?
Nastya: Da, whatever you say.
*Stephen looks in satisfaction that the two characters he dislikes most are going to kill themselves off quickly, as Hayden asks a simple question*
Hayden: So are these warriors human?
Stephen: Oh, yeah. But they’re really, really good samurai. That’s why Benkan wanted warriors and not PEASANTS!
Aidan: *Whispers* Why does being human matter?
Chris: Because statistically they *looks to Tram, who does a shushing motion*, they are not optimal.
Harold: *Bows to the samurai in greeting* “Greetings noble warriors. I and my companions have travelled far from the wretched hive that is Oda territory, and we seek accommodation for the night, as we do not wish to be ambushed by highwaymen. It is only for the night and we shall be gone by the morn.
Stephen: … They do not believe you. They see an armed monk and several warriors with you. They believe you are here to kill their lord.
Tram: That seems a bit shit and doesn’t fit with the plot.
Hayden: They should know that I serve no lord as the greatest woman warrior in the land since Tomoe Gozen. No man may tame me.
Aidan: I’m a simple warrior monk from one of the mountain temples, who answer to no lord and actually should hate Oda Nobunaga if I remember right.
Tram: Uncultured pirate from the Ryukyus seeking fortune, fame, and women. My word is only as good as the coin you give me.
Harold: Mid ranking member of a powerful Bakuto ring. The war actually allows me to profit off of people who gamble their troubles away, and Oda would damage this.
Nastya: Geisha who sells service to soldier men.
Chris: Ronin who abandoned his master in the far north. Seeking a new lord to serve to wash away the dishonor of that act.
Stephen: Well… uh… you’re gonna need to roll this.
Harold: Right, and it should be pretty easy since I’ll use my presence to boost my word.
Stephen: *Whining* It’s gonna require a lot of tens!
Nastya: I shall assist.
Stephen: Erm, how?
*Nastya whispers words into Stephens ears, which causes him to blush and get up from the table, walking stiffly to the bathroom. Tram laughs because of that while Aidan is just muttering while palming his face. Hayden is just grossed out because she heard some of the words. Nastya merely smirks.*
Chris: So, does anyone want lunch? I do not expect this session to go on for too much longer considering how much time we wasted already.
Tram: Nah, he’ll probably be back shortly.
*Hayden makes a noise of disgust and just gets on her smartphone to vent, Aidan meanwhile just flushes and groans, putting his face down between his arms. Harold just peruses a notebook he took out, and begins muttering what new items he needs for his miniatures army during this point. Stephen comes back, with no shame at all and sits back down like nothing happened.*
Stephen: Okay… where were we? Something about convincing the guards.
Tram: Yep, but with a different type of combat than what you want.
Stephen *Sputtering*: Ie! No! It’s fine. The guards fall for it and let you in.
Aidan: Harold didn’t even try and persuade them though…
Stephen: But I’m not letting you guys get away with this by itself. After all, such a large and diverse group is still suspicious.
Tram: Because of course we would be.
Stephen: The lord’s elder brother, the infamous Gozu, glances at you and determines that you are clearly here on suspicious business!
Harold: So what? He was just inside the fort? Where are we? You’re supposed to provide some amount of description to the place, so we can envision where we are.
Chris: Plus, this should be an opposed roll. Gozu should be going against our subterfuge and manipulation scores, and we should be going against his perception and either alertness and-
Aidan: Oh, so this bit’s like D&D too, with opposed rolls?
Chris: Yes. There’s also other rolls, such as extended rolls and-
Stephen: Alright teme! Let’s do this! *he rolls Gozu’s BS stats with a flourish, and rolls decently to boot*
Chris: Gozu is a human, right?
Stephen: No! He’s a ghoul.
Chris: Then why does he have the stats of a vampire?
Aidan: Why’s that a problem?
Chris: Ghouls aren’t that optimal for a party due to having lower stats. He would need to be extremely old to be able to roll ten d10s, since characteristics are pretty expensive. On top of that, I think he’s using an auspex roll
Hayden: Aye, that’s a load. No ghouls except those to a Methuselah be that strong.
Stephen: Does it really matter?
Harold: Well, not really.
*Stephen looks kind of smug at this until Harold continues*
Harold: Mainly because I will use a willpower point to guarantee that I dominate this Gozu and force him to kill his brother.
Stephen: What?!
Hayden: And I will use a willpower point to guarantee I hit him with Muramasa.
Aidan: So what’s willpower?
Tram: You know fate points?
Aidan: Yeah.
Tram: They’re like that, but a bit easier to get.
Aidan: Oh, okay. Wait, my character’s fast, so can’t I just burn one of them as I sprint up and punt this guy like a football?
Chris: Yes.
Stephen: No! This is utter bullshit!
Chris: This is pretty fair, since you have not called for initiative.
Stephen: Well, I’m calling it now! Also Gozu has true faith so there, no dominate!
Aidan: Does that stop it?
Hayden: How many ranks?
Stephen: More than enough to not be dominated.
Harold: So what, he’s rank 4? Alright, this is getting ridiculous.
Aidan: It was ridiculous a while ago…
*The characters roll their initiative; Aidan due to being a Brujah goes first, with Hayden and Tram coming in second and third. Obviously Gozu and his bro go before either of them, because that’s fair*
Stephen: Gozu and Meizu-sama use their adroit skill with the katana to gun for the filthy pirate and the gangster who befouls their fort.
Harold: Because disagreeing with the DM and trying to play a character merits a PK.
Stephen: The swing their swords and --
*Weak dice rolls even from their boosted stats, Only Meizu hits based on this*
Stephen: Gozu missses, but Meizu is definitely gutting the impudent scribe for--
Harold: I dodge.
Stephen: er… Oh yeah, you can try. But with that poorly optimized character, you’re definitely not--
*Harold proceeds to roll all successes, with many of them being nines and tens*
Harold: Huh, looks like I make it, in spades too. Who’d have thought?
Stephen: How did you get so many dice for that?
Aidan: Remember when you told us to restat? That’s how.
Tram: That and the RNG is pretty much cursing this game for being exactly as bad as I thought.
Aidan: Alright then, it’s my turn then. Nori uses his kanabo to smack into Meizu for trying to brutally kill someone for no reason.
Stephen: He’s a yakuza vampire!
Harold: They shouldn’t know this unless you establish how they found us out specifically.
Tram: Plus it’s Bakuto at this point.
Stephen: Whatever mainland trash, Meizu can dodge this just fine!
*Stephen rolls pretty well causing Aidan to miss a bit*
Stephen: See what I mean; he is a true samurai, with the giri of generations behind him.
Chris: Aidan, you should re-roll.
Aidan: Huh?
Tram: Oh yeah, you need to include celerity with that attack roll. It’s what, an extra two or three dice?
Aidan: Three, I felt being faster would’ve been better.
Stephen: Alright, but I’m sticking with my roll since I didn’t mess up.
Harold: You mean you don’t want to lose your good roll.
Stephen: Alright dobe, I’ll do it!
*Stephen slightly better*
Stephen: My ancestors favor me this bout like they did last time.
*Aidan rolls better, with enough dice to connect as well*
Tram: Yeah… about that.
Stephen: No matter, Master Meizu has armor and fortitude to withstand this.
Hayden: Now that’s a bunch of old rubbish. Unless we’re fighting your campaign bad, then this should not be.
Chris: Hayden’s right. With True Faith, those stats, and disciplines, he would need at least as much experience as a high ranking elder, and we were only given 50 EXP each to represent young ancillae.
Stephen: You chose to start this fight!
Harold: After you forced us into a fight yourself, right dear?
Nastya: Mhmm.
Stephen: Fine, he doesn’t have fortitude! Bring it on sennin!
Aidan: This is where potence kicks in, right?
Tram *smirking*: Yep.
*The roll is okay, but not great*
Stephen: Meizu-sama is shoved back, cursing as he clutches at his ribs “Foolish sennin; your decision to face the Commander of Kuroyama was a poor decision. Your master shall expect your head upon the next night”.
Hayden: Ye do know that vampires do not leave remains, right? Roight then, looks like it’s my time to shine. Brigidh, with utmost grace and care, wields her ancestral claymore sword with ease, and aims to dissect the disgraceful brother to this tinpot despot.
Stephen: And I’m going to dodge this one too!
Hayden: Nay, I’m going to use my willpower to guarantee this one, and with some fortune from Andraste…
*Hayden hits with all of her dice, which includes potence*
Hayden: She proves her boast by slaughtering this Gozu, slicing him in half.
Stephen: Wait, what?! But he’s donning Samurai Armor and I should be able to soak!
Hayden: Ghouls are not vampires, remember? And I connected with more dice than you can take, even with armor.
*Stephen is fuming at this point, and it just gets worse when the bell rings and a formidable middle aged woman in wealthy ensemble storms up to the table*
Mom: Stephen. There you are. You forgot your phone. I’ve been trying to contact you all afternoon.
Mom slams phone on the table.
Mom: Don’t forget it again. And why are you dressed like a woman?
Stephen: I am not! It’s a kimono! It’s traditional Japanese clothing!
Mom: Yes it is, but you’re wearing a furisode. The sleeves, son. The SLEEVES. My god, is this what that five hundred dollar charge on the Visa was for that import company last month? Jesus Christ. Get UP!
Stephen: What?!? It’s samurai wear and…
Mom: It’s women’s wear, now get up. Christ, this flower pattern is so damn cheap, and the silk quality, more like a polyester/silk blend. If we were Jewish, I’d argue for reinstating Levitical law and have you stoned at the city gates. Had you just asked me...
Stephen gets up, blushing furiously. Mom grabs for the belt.
Mom: If you’re going to look like a woman, goddamn learn how to tie an obi properly. (Mom fixes the obi). Do you want me to fix your hair to match your pretty, pretty HIME dress? There. Done. Now you can look like an albino geisha transvestite all you want BUT DON’T FORGET YOUR FUCKING PHONE NEXT TIME IN CASE THERE’S AN EMERGENCY!
Hayden: Hah, momma’s boy has to dress him.
Mom: Talk to him like that again and I will hang you with that abortion you call a tartan, BOY.
Hayden: I… I’m not a boy...
Mom leaves. Tram rubs hands together and has the most evil expression imaginable during the 20 or so seconds of awkward silence.