I know that the original York is in BritBongistan, but let's be honest nobody gives a shit about 'Old' York these days.
Lies, the Viking centre there is famous nationwide. Children flock from miles around to see an animatronic of a man shitting in a prehistoric toilet.
Also, my review of
Attack of the Cybermen is done:
The Sixth Doctor’s title sequence gives me a migraine whenever I see it.
“By Paula Moore”. It was mentioned earlier that there’s still a fun debate going on about who actually wrote this story since Paula Moore isn’t a real person. The name “Paula” comes from some bird Eric Saward was knocking off at the time and the claims to authorship come from her, Saward himself and the real life Abzorbaloff Ian Levine.
Personally, I think it’s likely both Saward and Levine had some kind of hand in this since it has hallmarks of both their work. The fact this is yet another rework of
Earthshock is definitely Saward and the insufferable continuity references and fanwank (which would put Gary Russell to shame) were probably Levine’s. The debate over who wrote it ignores a much more important point, which I raised in Ian Levine’s thread - I don’t know why there are so many people so eager to claim this story as theirs. If I wrote this piece of shit, I wouldn’t want anyone to know about it. It’s like having to own up to being the parent of the child who had explosive diarrhoea in aisle 3.
This episode starts in a sewer. How appropriate.

Can you see anything?

I can’t see a fucking thing!
“There’s more bulges in here than an anti-natal clinic.”
Okay, that was a funny line.
I know they’re trying to show off an alien POV, but if the Cybermen are supposed to be super humans, why is their vision actually
worse than the average human? Looks like a Commodore 64’s attempt at FMV.
Ugh, I’ve been spoiled by Big Finish recently. Seeing the Sixth Doctor on TV is a painful experience, especially after all that. He’s such an arrogant douchebag. If you’re going to do a darker Doctor try to employ more subtlety than a motorway works team.
Doctor: “Don’t be afraid. I won’t hurt you.”
You literally tried to strangle her the story before. Again, pressing x to doubt.
Yay, Lytton’s back (one of the only good things about this story). And he has a funky theme tune as well.
There’s something you don’t see every day. An unmasked Terry Molloy. Harry Hill
was right, he
does look like Eric Clapton:
More starpower in this episode. Brian Glover is the first of many high profile guest stars.
Doctor: “I was in fact taking you to Earth.”
Peri: “Bit of an anti-climax after that journey.”
Doctor: “Ungrateful wretch.”
Peri: “What do you expect? Applause?”
Doctor: “A little gratitude wouldn’t irretrievably damage my ego.”
This is impressive. I don’t know which one of them I hate more right now.
Hehe, nice touch having Lytton’s theme sound like someone’s farting it when he announces they’re going through the sewers.
Peri: “On Earth, Halley’s comment is always associated with impending disaster.”
Me: “Ah, that explains why it shows up during this episode.”
Come on story, you’re making it far too easy for me to drop snarky comments.
Payne (picking up the sledgehammer): “I used to use one of these when I worked for the Council.”
Lytton: “This time it’s for swinging, not leaning on.”
Another great line. If this episode had just focused on Lytton and his gang I’d like it a lot better.
The music in this episode isn’t bad as Classic
Who scores go, but some of the tracks do sound like they’ve escaped from
Banjo Kazooie.
Oh whoop de doo, the TARDIS has landed at Totters Lane. Is this going to have any significance to the story beyond fanservice? Fuck no.
Never fix the chameleon circuit again Doctor. Peri is right to laugh at the TARDIS’s new disguises. Although having them enter through an unseen door round the back is a nice callback to how the Master would get into his TARDIS.
It is quite creepy when Russell says they’re being followed and you can hear the Cybermen’s marching sound and it stops abruptly.
I remember hearing in the DVD commentary that they had to stuff cotton wool down Nicola Bryant’s top because it was so cold that day and they didn’t want to get in trouble with the censors at the BBC. Unfortunately (or fortunately depending on how you look at it), the cotton wool did fuck all to fix the problem. Just thought you’d all like to know.
Lytton’s policemen are fucking useless. I thought they were supposed to be trained mercenaries, but one of them’s been taken out by a girl half his size (who couldn’t even keep the gun on him) and the other’s been beaten up by Ronald McDonald’s down on his luck brother.
Griffiths (referring to the wall): “How thick is it?”
Lytton: “Less than you.”
Like I say, they missed a trick not having this story revolve around Lytton and his gang.
The Cybermen really aren’t up to much this time round. This is the first of many times we see them get taken out by conventional Earth weapons. In
The Invasion (which this story, erm... “borrows” from) it took explosive rounds and grenades to drop them.
Getting a look at the Cyber conversion process is pretty cool.
Oh cool, more special guest stars. How did they get Joe Strummer and David Gilmour to agree to star in this?:

I’m breakin’ rocks in the hot sun!

I fought the law and the law won!

I fought the law and the law won!

:
One of the other casting coups of this episode is that they got Michael Kilgarriff to reprise his role as the Cyber Controller from
Tomb of the Cybermen. Trouble was, he’d visibly put on weight since then, so I shall hereafter refer to him as the Fat Controller. His helmet also looks a lot sillier than the one from
Tomb of the Cybermen. That one may have looked like the Cyber equivalent of the Coneheads, but this one makes him look like the Cyber equivalent of the Wojak big brain meme.
Come to think of it, did the Doctor even meet Lytton in
Resurrection of the Daleks? I’m wracking my brains, but I’m pretty sure he didn’t.
Bates: “Like you, this planet really depresses me.”
I know how you feel buddy, I know how you feel.
Another point against the Cybermen this episode. Their marksmanship has plummeted to Stormtrooper levels.
I didn’t realise this until I saw an action figure of it years later, but there’s a new variant of Cyberman in this episode called the Cyber Scout. It’s identical to a regular Cyberman, but painted pitch black, supposedly to help it blend in to the Sewer better. When I first watched this story, I thought it was just weird lighting that made them that colour, but now I know what I’m looking for, they stick out like a sore thumb in all non-sewer locations:
NOOGIE OF DOOM!:
How did the Cybermen beat the Doctor back to the TARDIS?
Once again, the TARDIS’s temporal grace only works when it needs to for the purposes of the plot (although to be fair this is not a problem exclusive to this story).
Peri’s going to die? What a shame. *sips cider*
Wait the Cyber Controller’s the exact same one from
Tomb of Cybermen? Last time he got beaten to a pulp, thrown into a console and electrocuted. Motherfucker’s indestructible.
A sad trombone on the soundtrack. Sadly the Sixth Doctor era saw a lot of these.
Lytton: “I wouldn’t try sticking it into the Cyber Controller. He might try snapping your hand off.”
I’m going to avoid a joke for that one. It’s just too easy.
I can quite clearly hear one of the Cybermen in Cyber control has a thick cockney accent, even with the voice distortion. We shall call him the Cyberbloke from now on.
Don’t remember this “Rogue Cybermen” thing being a problem last time the Cybermen tried to unfreeze themselves. That’s the passage of time for you.
Cyber Leader: “The woman is unharmed. Telos is cold. She must have warmer clothing.”
How would a Cyberman even recognise that was a problem? Couldn’t they just have had Peri go off and change of her own accord? I do sort of like how the Cybermen have seen through the BBC’s stupid “for the Dads” clothing policy for Peri though. This story is one of the few that’s self-aware in that regard.
Call me a frump, but I actually prefer Peri’s more modest outfit. That pink top was too garish for my liking. The red jumpsuit’s a better look.
FUCK! That Cyberman busting out of its tomb makes me jump every time.
Did the Doctor just fling Peri towards a rogue Cyberman? What an arsehole.
Oh no, not the Cryons. You ask me having their planet nicked was too good for them. And the bubble wrap fetish continues from
Resurrection of the Daleks. Funny how the Cryons were so scarce in
Tomb of the Cybermen, but now they’re popping (har har!) up all over the fucking place.
Yet more guest stars. We have Blue Peter presenter and
Ghostwatch star Sarah Greene, Esther Freud (Jackson Lake’s consort) and Faith Brown as Cryons. I should say I know nothing about Faith Brown except that her Wikipedia article once said she was noted for her “large, natural breasts”. Given that they’re apparent even through the Cryon outfit, I’d say that checks out. I don’t know why they hired a bunch of attractive women to play the Cryons only to cover them with bubble wrap and dress them in boiler suits. You can’t even tell who’s meant to be who.
Flast: “They intend to change history.”
Doctor: “They can’t, it’s against the laws of time.”
Thanks for that Captain Obvious.
Wait, the Cybermen wearing snow gloves wasn’t just the costume department being cheap? They actually wear them like we wear them, as clothing?
Why???
That picture the Cryons have of the Doctor looks like his Mum’s just walked in on him masturbating:
So Lytton’s now the mercenary with a heart of gold. Strange thing is, I buy it.
Not only did
Doctor Who come up with the Borg years before
Star Trek, they also came up with
Deep Impact/
Armageddon 13 years early. If the Doctor can't stop them diverting Halley's Comet, maybe Bruce Willis and Morgan Freeman can.
Wait the Time Lords actually engineered the Doctor being involved in this story all along? How? This was one of the few times he managed to land the TARDIS where he intended to.
Nobody confiscated the Doctor’s totally not the sonic screwdriver thingy before locking him up?
The Cyberman guarding the Doctor sees the door to his cell open, sees a mysterious object being pushed out and rather than shooting the Doctor or shooting the object, he tries to pick it up like a fucking moron.
A point of defence I often hear brought up for this story is it shows the Cybermen are truly evil, emotionless bastards. But thinking back, pretty much every other story involving them accomplished that same goal, so I don’t see that as a point in this story’s favour.
The Bates and Stratton storyline was an utter waste of time.
Rost: “Please remove your TARDIS from Telos before you have to be rescued again.”
Well that’s the Doctor told.
Awwww yeah, Sixth Doctor getting trigger happy. Get fucked again Tennant.
Considering the Fat Controller survived so much punishment last time, I’d imagine a blast to the chest would only put him out for a few days at best.
Doctor: “Didn’t go very well did it?”
Thanks for perfectly summarising my review of this story for me.
The key reason I dislike this story so much is because it wallows in past Cyberman stories without adding any contributions of its own. It steals ideas wholesale from
The Tenth Planet,
Tomb of the Cybermen and
The Invasion and like with any story that leans too heavily on homage and reference, it just makes me wish I was watching the original stories instead. Say what you will about
Resurrection of the Daleks, but aside from using the story structure from
Earthshock (which this story also does), it was its own thing.
The Cryons are annoying, there are too many storylines which go nowhere, and the Cyber city and tombs on Telos, which were a creepy, atmospheric labyrinth in
Tomb of the Cybermen, have now been made to look like some bland, functional warehouse. If they were going to copy so much from earlier Cyberman stories, the least they could have done is copy the sets too.
Killing off Lytton was a massive waste too. Maurice Colbourne is the only bright spark in this story and he could've made a great recurring frenemy. If he hadn't sadly passed away in 1989, I'm sure he'd have had his own spin-off series from Big Finish by now.
I've done a story I like and a story I don't like, so for my next review, I think I'll do a story I'm meh on. That'll be
Destiny of the Daleks. Also, if anyone has any requests for future reviews, let me know.