Dumbest way you have injured yourself - Broken bones, flesh wounds and whatever

[Burd Turglar]

I'm a clutzy fuck and have maimed myself in the most retarded ways. Most recently, I tripped on a rug, dropped a nice glass tumbler which exploded and almost severed my pinky toe. It has been exactly a week and I'm still leaking blood post multiple doctors visits.

Please, share the dumb fucking ways you've maimed yourself. If I didn't have bad luck, I'd have luck at all.

 

[Ughubughughughughughghlug]

I have repeatedly (different occasions) stabbed myself in the heel of one foot with the big toe toenail of my other foot.

 

[Dollar Store Sentai]

Back when I was younger I was opening a can with one of those claw style can openers you use for camping. I lifted the lid but had missed a small bit so the ragged can popped a bit and cut through my finger near to the bone. 20+ years later and I still have minimal feeling in that fingertip

 

[Zirnwyb]

I took a chunk out of my index finger from my left hand peeling potatoes once. I didn't notice I'd cut myself until the potato I was peeling was tinted pink. Confused the hell out of me since I'd never seen a pink potato before! Then I noticed the blood dripping onto rim of the garbage bin and realized "Oh the potato isn't pink. That's my blood on it." Felt like an absolute retard for not noticing I got cut. Had to chuck the potato in the bin and go get a bandage from my mother since I'd run out of my personal stash of them from all the other retarded ways I'd cut myself by accident.

 

[seri0us]

Not the dumbest, but you know those bodypillow-shaped sacks full of wood chips? I was 7 or 8 riding my bike when I saw one on the sidewalk and thought it would be really fun to ride over so I sped up, only to merely collide and fall down onto the ground.

 

[Omen_Sulk]

I punched a swivel chair, which then swiveled. Causing my hand to move sideways breaking the ulna bone and separating the hand from the wrist, requiring ten or so pins to keep it in place.

The pins then also acted as a stylus.

 

[Shig O'nella]

Broke my ankle with a pencil once.

 

[whatever I feel like]

Chasing a ball that bounced down a hill I ran too fast and ended up splayed in a pile of grit. Caused permanent knee pain.

I WAS 18 AT THE TIME AND TOTALLY SOBER.

 

[the clap]

I had a broken/loose electrical cover on the wall and decided to push it back in with the closest long pointy thing, which turned out to be metal tweezers. Zap lol

 

[King George III]

I broke my thumb while sleeping in my bed.

 

[Pruto]

When I accidentally chopped my erect penis off while cutting vegetables and cooked it in my Yakisoba, the food was pretty good tho.

 

[Aiōn]

I was slicing vegetables using a mandolin and listening to a CD while I did so.

The song had sampled a part from a movie where a woman said "At the moment of sacrifice, let no blood be spilled!" and at that moment I slipped and slit open my fingertip. Bled like a bitch.

 

[Pimpleking55]

Putting down a hedge-trimmer by grabbing it by the blades when it was still running, in my defense i was very very tired and sleep deprived. No finger bones were broken or fingers cut off, but if you want your hands to look like it was mauled by a bear without troubling a bear, i can recommend it.

 

[Burd Turglar]

Well I'm glad I'm not the only retard. Here's another sample of retardation.

When I was a tween, I was mowing my parents lawn and they had a weeping willow. The lawnmower got caught on a dangling willow branch, I yanked back on the mower a little too hard and mowed my foot. Just clipped the big toe but it took a nice chunk out. Oddly enough it was the same foot that is currently fucked.

 

[Osama Bin Laden]

only 2 things comes to mind

as a kid, i had those bunkbeds and my favorite thing to do was sleep on the top bunk because I thought it was cool. i had done this multiple times before but if i didn't feel like climbing down the ladder, i'd just jump down to the floor without issue. for whatever reason, this one time that I did it. I may have either landed wrong or my foot rolled as I landed on the floor and managed to sprain my ankle. so, like a kid, I screamed and cried for my parents and they took me to the hospital. had to walk in crutches for a bit, shit sucked at school because any time we would go somewhere that required a line, I was always lagging behind because it's fucking difficult to walk at a speed with crutches.

one time I was working a fast food place and I managed to slice my thumb open when not paying attention cutting a chicken sandwich. after everything was said and done, I got $700 out of it and a scar that isn't completely visible unless you were trying to look for it. probably wouldn't do it again but it was a nice pay increase, few days off work, and i still got to keep my thumb.

 

[Car Won't Crank]

Sliced an arm by a rc model airplane propeller due to being a retard.

 

[Cat tit bingo]

I dropped a fantasy axe on my heel the night I bought it from a Renaissance fair. It missed my Achilles by centimeters

 

[Tetragrammaton]

as a kid i once burnt the fuck out of my hand by putting my hand on the exhaust of our snow blower as it was very cold out and i assumed it would not be hot. needless to say i was wrong.

 

[Bored & Confused]

One day, I was trying to make a flex seal gasket for my M1 bayonet so it would stop wobbling around on my M1 Garand (I call her Nancy). Day turned to night, & I figured the flex seal had dried, so I mount it on the gun. It reduced the wobbling a bit, but I thought a bit more liquid rubber magic would do the trick. I go to remove the bayonet to apply more & it won't come off. I check the lug catch, wiggle the thing about, nothing. My further attempts to remove the bayonet turn from gentle to frantic. I end up pinning Nancy to the side of my bed with my knee & wrenching on the thing when suddenly it came free... into my face, two centimeters above my eye.
My idiot brain panicked when I saw how deep the laceration was, & went to the ER for some stitches. Worst three grand I have ever spent. This is one of the many reasons why I now carry a wide variety of wound sealing products in my first aid kit.
I still think about this sometimes, & about how close I was to becoming a cyclops. Which makes me think I'd probably look awesome with an eye patch, but also grateful that I didn't do this with the M7 bayonet (which I dropped on my foot while drunk one night earlier this year).

 

[Seafarer]

I was on a riding lawnmower and was going to mow under a swing-set we had, I had seen my other family members mow that area all the time, so I didn’t think there was anything to it. When I went through, one of the swing seats got stuck on the front of the mower and it lifted the mower straight up and landed so the back of my seat was parallel with the ground, I didn’t get hurt real bad other than a bruise on my back, but it happened in front of several family members so I felt like a complete idiot for the rest of the week.