How are you doing? - Kiwi Farms Wellness Check

[Juan But Not Forgotten]

sure am.

Can you tell what it is without powerleveling?

 

[Pargon]

Can you tell what it is without powerleveling?

I have given up on trying to find the value in my own life. I no longer have the energy to pursue the things which may make me happy, and the things which used to make me happy no longer do. It’s been decades since I’ve been able to think of myself as a human being. All I am is an organism whose worth is defined by the actions they perform for others, and at this point I would rather be nothing.

 

[Juan But Not Forgotten]

I have given up on trying to find the value in my own life.

That implies that you considered it worthless to begin with. That's a wrong mindset.

I no longer have the energy to pursue the things which may make me happy, and the things which used to make me happy no longer do.

I've been there multiple times. The more you concentrate on this, the worse it gets. It is very important to just do something, so you wouldn't get overwhelmed with this.

It’s been decades since I’ve been able to think of myself as a human being. All I am is an organism whose worth is defined by the actions they perform for others, and at this point I would rather be nothing.

And this is why. If you degrade yourself to just a cloud of atoms, how can you expect yourself to feel as a human being?

 

[Stilgar of Troon]

I have given up on trying to find the value in my own life. I no longer have the energy to pursue the things which may make me happy, and the things which used to make me happy no longer do. It’s been decades since I’ve been able to think of myself as a human being. All I am is an organism whose worth is defined by the actions they perform for others, and at this point I would rather be nothing.

If you have that level of anhedonia, it may well be overdue (but not too late) to get some professional help. Not gonna PL, but there absolutely is a path out of this mire and you won't find it on your own.

 

[Hollywood Hulk Hogan]

Depressed, my family is brainwashed, I berated them for taking the clotshot despite warning them not to, my mom got angry shouted at me. I left in anger. Spoke to them later, told them I love them. Please Lord Jesus don't kill my family with these injections. I have been crying most of the night, the world seems to be lost.

Jesus christ, dude. Get mental help. Mental health is a very serious thing and you need help badly.

The science juice? No thank you, already know ppl who died from it and a few who became handicapped.
As for common sense, I have enough for it, are you a mask wearing zombie?

 

[Clovis]

If you have that level of anhedonia, it may well be overdue (but not too late) to get some professional help. Not gonna PL, but there absolutely is a path out of this mire and you won't find it on your own.

Just butting in to say I'd like to know what this path is, too.

Spoiler

I've been on and off antidepressants for 20 years, and they've left me stuck in a state of anhedonia from fucky neurotransmitter levels. I never feel good, just a flat state of mild unease. Better than the acute deep lows but its not a way to live. I mean, I cope and I'm not desperate but I don't feel invested in my own life anymore. I wish I could find a way out. I've never really had any luck with talking cures.

Aside from that I'm OK. No major drama or shittiness affecting me right now so I can't complain too much.

 

[Pargon]

That's a wrong mindset.

Yes, but it’s mine.

how can you expect yourself to feel as a human being?

I’m not one for all intents and purposes. I’m just a machine waiting to break down.

If you have that level of anhedonia, it may well be overdue (but not too late) to get some professional help. Not gonna PL, but there absolutely is a path out of this mire and you won't find it on your own.

I have been in therapy for eight years. If there’s a path I’m too tired to keep looking. The only thing keeping me alive is that I’m too afraid of death to kill myself.

 

[Juan But Not Forgotten]

Yes, but it’s mine.

Therefore you can influence it.

I’m just a machine waiting to break down.

No wonder you feel so miserable.

 

[IKOL]

Feeling... mixed, but tired of shit I keep going trough despite things were made pretty clear for some. I mean, people keep shitting on me for a 3 years old shitposting done under terrible mental condition while being in military psyche ward. These retards just killed me, at some point. My fault though, because I did nothing in time for a damage control and prevention of worsening the consequenses. Took it too late before realising what have happened and that there's no way back. Should have dropped all for a long time ago.
Left all behind. Discord nuked, Twitch nuked, my youtube channel... well I still need one. For a while.
Everything else... I can just rename some of these and call it a day. Fuck it.

So far, going dark. For a while. Until this shit will settle down and I'll figure out a new name for myself.

 

[Pargon]

Therefore you can influence it.

I’m not sure you understand. I’ve felt this way for twenty-five years. Saying “we’ll simply change how you think” I could see working for a recent shift, not something someone’s lived with their entire adult life.

 

[Vingle]

Feeling a bit flabbergasted. Sure, I'm not gonna say I feel so depressed or some shit like that. But lately, the thread has been a circlejerk for "muh depression".
Like, is the majority on the farms a bunch of depressed teens?

 

[Juan But Not Forgotten]

I’m not sure you understand. I’ve felt this way for twenty-five years. Saying “we’ll simply change how you think” I could see working for a recent shift, not something someone’s lived with their entire adult life.

I've been there, believe me. Hell, I am probably still there and yes, you can't just "stop being unhappy", but that's like trying to stop storm instead of trying to sail out of it. Take the steering wheel in your hands and try to steer. And diminishing yourself to just a pile of meat isn't helping, just like thinking that you are hopeless and this time it's not gonna go away.

 

[Vingle]

you can't just "stop being unhappy"

I would argue that you can, everybody would get miserable from focusing on the negative aspects with him/herself. People doesn't have to rely on others for happiness, because that's a one-way road to depression.

Dear leader is actually an good example of choosing to not hardships let him down.

 

[Spermatozoa]

fucking awful

 

[Sped Xing]

sure am.

I'd kill you for free if I could avoid getting punished.

<3

 

[Mullti Port RDRAM]

So i've been told my position is ending next friday due to budget concerns and India being a cheaper place for developers. It sucks but in all honesty, I really didn't like being here due to questionable engineering and culture fit. This position is ending on good terms, though. All the higher management and developers think positively on me and I will get a favorable reference. I will continue to report to the office this week to help wrap up my ongoing projects, including DevOps and Scalability.

It was a gut blow (any time you get fired it is) but by the time I got home, I was over it and sending my resume out. I have at least two first round interviews on Friday for remote positions. I am preparing for a longer-than usual time without a job by planning my time off around training. I'll be focusing on AWS and JavaScript development during the down time. I want to make the best of my free time for the 3 or so months of runway I have.

 

[Autist in a Barrel]

My lil buddy, Barrett, just died Gonna miss my little ankle bitter. Hug your pets peeps

 

[What the shit]

I’m pretty good.
Worked with my pops for the past couple of days which is physically draining but I can deal with it.
Other than that I’m quite worried about someone I know since they seem to be in extreme sorrow and I just really want to be there for them but it’s difficult. I just really want to tell then that they aren’t alone in the struggle but I just need someway to tell it to them that isn’t so upfront.

 

[JosephStalin]

Five months today since the spinal fusion surgery. Sometimes it seems like five years. Back continues to improve, gradually and slowly. Still have some tightness and discomfort at times. Soon will start physical therapy to address the back tightness/discomfort.

Otherwise, still walking. Walking buddy and I walk a different route every day. Can't yet walk the 4-5 miles daily before the sciatica, best these days maybe 3 miles. Energy can fluctuate during the day, get tired more easily than before the surgeries. Part of it may be due to the passage of time, to be sure. I watch how I bend/lift/twist. Am very careful how much I lift, rather less than before.

Been one hell of a ride with the sciatica. Came very fast, hit very hard, went through three spinal surgeries, two hospitalizations, and a trip to the ER in an ambulance in a 30-day period. But things finally got fixed. The memories of what happened will always remain. The memories of the agony of muscle spasms are receding some.

Have an acquaintance who had endoscopic surgery to decompress sciatic nerve last week. Didn't seem to help. Still has pain, cannot walk far at all. Her follow-up with surgeon was Tuesday. We should see her tomorrow. Can easily see spinal fusion in her future. My sample is very small, less than five people, but it seems like spinal fusion is the only thing that works for sciatica.

 

[Raxetnahnr]

Had an awful and really heated argument with my mom yesterday, almost ended up going sour really fast. Still haven't gotten over it yet.