Just made an account after thinking it over for 3 years. Glad to be a part of the community!
Joined to get much needed socialization, as pitiful as that sounds. My social skills dwindled when I took up a job trafficking drugs lol (No hard drugs, all non addictive, I'm not a monster). Worst decision I ever made. Can't be glad enough that I left that in my past, blessed to get away with a clean record, and no encounters with LE. After I stopped all that, I started learning how to program, settled on HTML, CSS, JS. Going for full stack web development, and I've made quite a bit of progress since. Working on a project currently. I'd say I enjoy C and C++ more but I'll follow demand for work over enjoyment. Awhile ago I became a dad. Words can't describe that joy. My wife and I gave birth to a wonderful daughter. She passed away, but I'm thankful for the time I got to spend with her. She forever changed my life and heart. I have no doubt that she's in a much better place, in the arms of our Father. I would be lying if I said the pain from losing her is even close to bearable. I'm sure the number of men that internalize pain and hardship is too high. Maybe I can understand why. Imagine a woman crying, or having a breakdown, or getting angry and breaking something, etc, and compare that to a man. One is much scarier than the other. One is much larger and stronger. My wife for example is half my weight and much shorter than me. If I didn't internalize much of what I'm going through, I'd probably be alone if I had anymore outbursts than I already do. I'd argue that being alone is worse. Maybe it's not right for a man (or anyone) to internalize any sort of hardship, but I'd say in my situation it's better than losing the people around me. Angry outbursts don't help anyway. Outbursts aside, I have noticed that moments of weakness, and talking about all of the negative feelings and thoughts seem to bother family, wife included. It's like this, if I am at rock bottom and my wife is at rock bottom, how can she get by? Everything crumbles when we're both down. How can she help me if she's broken? She can't. So I'd rather straighten my shoulders and focus on work and building my websites and trying to uplift those around me. I guess that could breed anger over time.
Today my wife told me she was scared. She was thinking about how men often don't show warning signs before committing suicide. She said, lots of male suicides seem random, if you don't know what to look for. She's worried that I will shoot myself. I told her that it's come to mind, but I don't want to die. I said I was worried that I will get into a bad headspace and do something like that, regret it if I could, but I definitely don't want to. I'm riding with the Lord. Jesus is the most important thing in my life, and we're here to draw people to Him. I know that I wouldn't have made it this far if it weren't for Him. I want to see my daughter again, my grandfather, and mother and father. As well as all others. I want love to win in my heart. The wars are easy at times and hard at others. I think that a lot of men feel similar to the way I do, whether or not they've lost a child. If I could help another in a similar place, someone who feels like they have to internalize their hardship and can't talk about it to anyone in person or avoid people like therapists/counselor (in my experience they haven't helped much), I'd recommend that you do a few things:
1. Turn your heart over to Jesus. This world (and it's suffering) is temporary. Love is eternal.
2. Journal or make anonymous posts, you never know who you might help. It's easy to feel alone, so relate to each other.
3. Stop bad habits. Stop drinking, stop smoking weed. It's making it worse. Psychological withdrawals will be bad. I'd recommend cold turkey and if necessary a small bit to help take the edge off withdrawals. Maybe replace it with strong coffee.
4. Pick up a skill. Not a hobby. Try starting with something you can make money on rather than spend it or waste valuable time. (I.E. Programming or learn a spoken language, maybe lift bro.)
I don't claim to have the answers to anything and I'm not perfect. I'm figuring out my own stuff as I go. Pardon the lack of proof reading.
inb4 divorce your wife. fuck off nigger. I made a promise to God and God willing I'm keeping this one. She's great, she just lost our daughter and is struggling her own.
