I see before me a maze with a dizzying number of doors, but they all seem to be locked and i can't check them all.
When I was kid, my grandpa told me the wisest thing:
"When one door closes, another opens."
It's not all bad. Sure, you might feel down in the dumps now, but as Bookwork said, that's only temporary.
The last few years of my life, have been a chain of terrifying lows and dizzying highs.
Several posts ago, you wrote that you want to die.
Well, I'm in the unique position of having died once before. You don't feel anything (or at least I didn't, because the doctors had pumped me to the max with fentanyl and morphine). Death isn't a big relief, it's not glamorous, you don't get closure and your life flashing before your eyes... It's just nothing. It's not happy, or sad, or cruel, or merciful, or even scary. It's fucking nothing. It's the lowest point a living being can achieve.
But do you know what feels peak happy, sad, cruel, cruel, merciful and scary? Fucking LIFE. When those fuckers brought me back, you better fucking believe I FELT that shit. I felt it in my blood, I felt it in my bones and I felt it in my soul. When I opened my eyes I saw the doctors over me. It was probably no more than two seconds, before I lost consciousness again, but I'll always remember it. "We got him back!". They felt the big relief. They were scared shitless. And then they were happy.
When they got me out of the operating room, the nurses clapped. I gave a thumbs-up to my mom and dad to show them that I was OK. They never realized that I died there.
Dizzying high. Then the terrifying low came.
I couldn't walk. I forgot how to fucking walk. It took me two months to re-learn that shit. I lost 75 pounds. My legs and arms looked like toothpicks. I forgot how to swim. I still can't swim properly. I just float and no matter how much I try to flap my arms and legs, I just stay at one place. I forgot how to drive a bike. Even to this day, I don't know how. I tried one time and fell like a fucking bitch and realized that the whole "you never forget how to ride a bike" is bullshit.
Overall, I was bedridden for almost three years of my 20's. My prime years, when I was supposed to conquer the world, fuck as many pussies as I can and try to become the best man I could be. In fucking bed. Unable to eat, sleep or wipe my ass properly.
Terrifying low. But then came the dizzying high.
A week after I recovered the phone rang. One of my best friends got in the place where my dream job was, at a pretty major position. I can't powerlevel much, but that job is super fucking rare. Only, like, 35 people ever had it in history, here. And he got me an interview for my dream job. And I fucking aced it. I got my fucking childhood dream job. For three years I was walking on sunshine. However, management changed and the new management didn't want me there. Big fucking deal. I had made so much money for those three years, I was able to buy my own home outright and a pretty good car.
And then the terrifying low came.
Very quickly, from a reanimated corpse I became a man with his life in order. It was time to pop the question to my onetis. Long story short, she said that she didn't love me and that she never wants to have kids. Ever. On again and off again, I spent around 15 years waiting for her. That pain that I felt at that moment was objectively worse than a 1000 deaths. Every once in a while I would dream of us, playing with our future children. Those dreams were the only thing that fed me and kept me going during those three bedridden years.
But fuck it - dizzying high!
The dream job called back. They needed someone to do something a very specific one-off thing, that only I could do. I did that fucking thing. And I did it brilliantly. And then I told them to never call me again.
But yet again, a terrifying low.
A fucking heart attack at 30. I didn't die, but was somewhat close.
I don't care. One way or another, I'm getting my family. And it's going to be great. And I'm going to be a great dad and a phenomenal husband.
"When one door closes, another opens."
And I'll open that door myself.
I'm sorry about the blatant powerleveling. What I was trying to say is that death does not answer anything and it's life that's the shit we should be preoccupied with.
Also, that is why I despise the types like Mr. Beast's Chris and the other AGP's who troon out and leave their women after impregnating them. They are actively avoiding and making a joke out of the thing I want to accomplish the most.
TL;DR - Death ain't shit and fuck Chris for leaving such a beautiful family.
