How are you doing? - Kiwi Farms Wellness Check

[(((I am NOT a jew)))]

I think every single major issue in my life comes down to essentially this scene.

“... You’re always afraid to take that first step, because all you see is every negative thing ten miles down the road.”

I've wasted years of my life being scared or impatient, not wanting to go down a certain path because there were any infinite amount of interesting paths. All beautiful, all terrifying, all hopeless. So I've been frozen for almost a decade now. And that's compounded the issue as I've found myself further behind some people, wondering if it's too late to start anything if I couldn't have started at the right time. When in reality even if there's some truth there, putting off any future because you're the grown up version of a kid in a candy store is so damn childish and asinine it defies logic. You waste time being scared of a productive use of time, which makes you waste time, which makes you hesitant because of all that wasted time. Which makes you waste time. And it compounds. And it compounds. And it compounds.
I've never had thorough faith in myself. Not all of that's my fault. But I really languished for a long ass time being scared and unmotivated.
It's a tough boat to be in.

I guess that's why I'm really starting to hate the doomers/blackpillers, even on here. It makes sense to be scared of the future, especially when reality isn't giving you anything to be hopeful about. But then what?

"Everything's hopeless... so I'm going to be a faggot and make everyone as dejected as me, thoroughly making sure even the people who had a glimmer of optimism crashes down to my level? But despite everything being so hopeless and it being a forgone conclusion that we'll be in a dystopian nightmare for the rest of time, I'm too much of a fucking faggot to kill myself even though there's nothing of value left to fight for."
- half the people on this site.

That's retarded. Because I've been that guy my entire life. And I've promptly achieved everything that you would think that mindset gets you... which is arguably not that much. I'm not saying we've all gotta put on blinders and get reamed by the system while begging for more. But realistically, I can't see what people who think like this have to look forward to other than the sweet release of death. And as someone who's been very close to death before... that shit's fucking gay.
I don't know if I have any reason to live or if I'll ever actually make anything of value. I don't know if I'll ever meet a woman who loves me or be able to give a kid the kind of life and support I always wanted. I might not get any of that.
But I can't keep living in the past, only half-living while always looking at the out that is suicide as a way of keeping this stagnant life.

So next year I'm going to enter college. I'm going to actually do something, even if it's disappointing and has a lot of pain involved. Even if I should have done something else. Even if I get hit by a bus and never fulfill it. I'm going to do something.

My grandfather died tonight. I don't really have social media but I felt like coming over to the feels thread to say some words.

Spoiler: Words

He never liked me much as a teenager but as a kid, he nurtured my curiosity in world. Nature, astronomy, technology, religion... My grandfather was a geologist, but also a roman catholic. He believed god created nature's mysteries for man to explore. He taught me how to use the computer when I was a todler, there are photos of me on his knee fucking around on windows '95. We used to watch documentaries about ghosts, surgery and aliens together. He showed me 2001 Space Odyssey, one of my all time favorite movies. Like me, my grandfather was also an avid user of the world wide web. I'm pretty sure he went to the literal grave using the same AOL account he used to get online for the first time in the 90's.

We drifted apart when I reached my older teenage years... I went through a genderqueer lefty phase because tumblr peaked when I was in high school. He was physically abusive throughout certain moments of my childhood and I have never really known how to feel about it. I have this fucked up memory of him holding a fist up to my face and me telling him to "do it". I was a total peice of shit as a teenager, honestly, so I feel more guilt than victimization... He thought I was living my life wrong (he was right) and, unfortunately, writing people off is just how that portion of my family operates... And then I became an adult and he just never talked to me much. Wasn't interested... or maybe he thought I wasn't interested. He will never know the impact he has had on me and my life. I had a chance to visit him two weeks ago and I didn't. I had a long work week and thought I would have another chance but...

I've never lost an immediate family member before. It feels like someone knocked the wind out if me and I feel shocked and numb.

Condolences, friend.

 

[twisted cycle path]

I was informed there were likely some wayicsms involved with my processing. I just thought it was really funny if true. It was true on the other end too. The likelyhood of our marriage being fraudulent in the eyes of the USCIS (our immigration service) as we were both huwhite from rich western countries was very low and our application was expedited.



It took my mother and stepfather 20 years to remarry after their respective divorces. There is no reason to rush into anything when you aren't ready to do so whatsoever. I'm sorry about your divorce though. That sounds brutal. At least I knew what was coming in the end. After many years of marriage, we became fundamentally incompatible. All the things maybe we wanted at 20 we didn't want at 40, that kind of thing. Is what it is.



Shooting gun or bow or both? I shoot rifle and recurve (barebow). I've seen other women at the ranges.

Guns mostly although I don't do that much anymore either, moved to a place that's less tolerant of it.

Would seeking out more "woman friendly" hobbies in itself be creepy? I imagine admitting to it would be weird but I'm not sure how else to go about it without returning to the meat market.

 

[Betonhaus]

Guns mostly although I don't do that much anymore either, moved to a place that's less tolerant of it.

Would seeking out more "woman friendly" hobbies in itself be creepy? I imagine admitting to it would be weird but I'm not sure how else to go about it without returning to the meat market.

maybe find male friends who would introduce you to friends of their wives? That route is slow though.

 

[twisted cycle path]

Update to the Lolita nightmare I’m loving through: I tried going on Bumble, where I’ve met good people and dated them. Unfortunately I had to delete that shit two seconds later because everybody looks like a felon or a drug addict. That’s how I know I cannot move on yet.

Humbert Humbert’s secret to attracting soulful nymphets is to be my full, unabashed self. I already am not like others, I am eccentric and embrace it. It weeds a lot of candidates out pretty fast. No immature, basic retards missing chromosomes.

Humbert Humbert always longs for a nymphet, and only feels normal when one has been entrapped in my mind. It feeds something inside of me. When I was with Lolita, everything in the world was good, and Humbert was at peace. Now, everything is a tangle of thorns.

This roleplay is fucking confusing but best of luck dude(?).

maybe find male friends who would introduce you to friends of their wives? That route is slow though.

I'm not necessarily opposed to that idea but it feels pretty weird. I'm not really open to anyone like that in order to let them know that would be something I want, if it's something I want. If think that if I was in their position I wouldn't really want to help someone who was asking that of me. I am aquainted with some older friends of my coworker who I've played d&d with who are old enough to have kids that are roughly my age, but I went to a party one of them was hosting and the general atmosphere was very pozzed so that's probaly not going to result in anything worthwhile.

@Sonic I was in a similar position last year. It's pretty bad now but it will be better.

 

[Doctor John B. Zyklon]

Would seeking out more "woman friendly" hobbies in itself be creepy? I imagine admitting to it would be weird but I'm not sure how else to go about it without returning to the meat market.

It seems like friends in general would be the best bet, but diversifying hobbies / activities seems to be a must. But really, friends, who are actually friends, seems to be the better bet. To actually meet people.

If think that if I was in their wouldn't really want to help someone who was asking that of me.

Nah, a friend would hear that and keep an eye out etc. Tbh, they should do that naturally, imo.

 

[twisted cycle path]

It seems like friends in general would be the best bet, but diversifying hobbies / activities seems to be a must. But really, friends, who are actually friends, seems to be the better bet. To actually meet people.

I imagine that I must give off friendless faggot energy but I actually do have some friends, just not ones who I feel comfortable asking to play matchmaker on my behalf. And the few that I am close enough to are all pretty much in the same position as me, relationship-wise.

 

[Triple Flutz]

@Sonic I'm really sorry to hear that, how very awful. I really feel for you.

Spoiler: gay rambling about my own deceased grandparent

My last grandmother died recently-ish and I still hold a lot of grief when it comes to her passing and regrets regarding wasted years. It's not quite the same as you as we were always close and had gotten even closer when I became a mother since she had her kids in quick succession and was a nurse and thus gave me very helpful advice regarding parenting, especially in the context of close age gaps, pregnancy, and childbirth, but I too thought I had more time until she was on her deathbed and it was impossible for me to visit. Just went from thanking me for sending her a physical photo album of our family because it's a tradition of ours since I've moved to another country to be with my husband to telling me she was hospitalized but fine, to family members kindly telling me she was doing poorly and not to make travel plans as I wouldn't have time, to receiving news that she had passed surrounded by whatever family was less than 30 minutes away a few hours later. I spent so much time with her as a child and always went to her for advice, but there are so many things we never talked about, so many visits I passed up on when I was still in the same country as her because I was engrossed in my studies, so many things she was proficient in that I had always wanted to learn from her, so many family anecdotes I never knew to ask about until she volunteered them lost now that she's gone. She was such a gentle, patient, clever, principled, loving woman whose love for her husband, children, and descendants was obvious and I am richer for having known her.
I just take comfort in our memories, in the handwritten family cookbook I asked her to make for me for Christmas half a decade ago, in the fact that people have compared our temperament and character as long as I've been alive, and in the fact that so many of my formative memories involve her and thus many of her cherished memories involved me. Once things get less raw, in my experience, some of that gnawing guilt dissipates as you remember more and more privileged, sometimes subtle, moments when they showed how much they care in their own way and when they unmistakably would have known how much you do for them, and more and more ways in which your character was forged by them. You'll be washing dishes and think of that one time he perceived you were upset and changed the channel to your preferred one, or something equally dumb, and remember that his memory is alive through you. I don't think your grandfather was unaware of how much he has shaped the person you are today. Even new parents will look at their blank slate of a newborn and perceive their own traits from the most loveable potato on earth, nevermind a man in his elderly years looking at a grown adult they have nurtured through life and chuckling to himself in bed about how you unmistakably have gotten this or that from him, even if it's just the self-awareness to eventually reject the genderqueer shit in time or the way you laugh.

 

[Right Butt Cheek]

Recently embarrassed myself in front of a band I liked by tripping over some equipment the roadie put behind me and i was unaware. Fucking stepped back and fell over it. Nothing was broken but still felt like the dumbest fucker on the planet for a few seconds. My knees are busted up. Went to the bar after to hang with some friends, dude I was into asked me to dance, we did, shit was nice. He friendzoned me 2 days later after I spent the night at his place taking care of his emotions. Thought we were making an emotional and personal connection but I guess not. First time i've put myself out there romantically in a very long time for it to blow up in my face. It doesn't feel great ya know?

 

[MMS-China]

The last year I was checking up on my ex's. Just messaging them. Asking how they are doing. You know theres still a part of you that cares for them. However two were a bit weird. One was paranoid I was attempting to break up her marriage then blocked me. The second didn't even respond, then altered all her profiles. I thought she died. But Weibo notified me through an old chat window she updated her profile picture a few weeks ago. She just doesn't want anything to do with me. She was the one who wanted to break up in the first place though.

 

[AnOminous]

I really hate the leftovers from this cold. I shouldn't complain since it seems like everyone I know has way worse health shit and this is the first I've had anything since a weird cough a few months before the coof that everyone else seemed to have just like this, but the cold is over. Despite that, the congestion and cough won't go away. I try to avoid acetaminophen, but it takes a combo of guaifenesin and neti pot every few hours to keep from gagging on this nasty fucking shit. (I recommend generally just getting something for the actual symptoms you have instead of that Devil's concoction that is Nyquil.)

 

[Local Fed]

I;m thinking about thos Beans

 

[Right Butt Cheek]

I really hate the leftovers from this cold. I shouldn't complain since it seems like everyone I know has way worse health shit and this is the first I've had anything since a weird cough a few months before the coof that everyone else seemed to have just like this, but the cold is over. Despite that, the congestion and cough won't go away. I try to avoid acetaminophen, but it takes a combo of guaifenesin and neti pot every few hours to keep from gagging on this nasty fucking shit. (I recommend generally just getting something for the actual symptoms you have instead of that Devil's concoction that is Nyquil.)

I'm sure you know this already since you aren't an idiot but I'm just gonna mention it just in case.

I don't know how often or if you do use nasal sprays for the congestion and to open up your airways, but depending on which ones you do, you can build a physical dependance on it, like your body will start making more mucus to combat the nasal spray. Some do that, some don't, so just make sure you're taking the right stuff. I'm having real bad allergy issues and using specific nasal sprays so I've been reading a bunch of boxes lately. Hang in there. Mint tea with honey and a little bit of whiskey can also help coat your throat if you don't wanna cough for awhile and warms up your chest.

 

[Blamo2000]

I tried having a Twitter account. Didn't last a day before deleting it.

If that shithole goes bankrupt and ceases to exist, then Elon deserves a Nobel Peace Prize.

Social media is bad, mkay.

 

[Betonhaus]

posted my Switch on Facebook and this stupid collectors figurine that came with the place on ebay. Hopefully they sell so I get breathing room this month.

 

[Sniperwoof]

Moved into my new apartment and while I generally like the place I noticed today that probably a third of drawers/cabinets in my bathroom are cosmetic only, you can't open them.

Are you fucking kikes so cheap you actually put in real fake doors?

Fuckers.

 

[Betonhaus]

Moved into my new apartment and while I generally like the place I noticed today that probably a third of drawers/cabinets in my bathroom are cosmetic only, you can't open them.

Are you fucking kikes so cheap you actually put in real fake doors?

Fuckers.

Is are the fake drawers immediately under the sink, where the sink and it's piping would get in the way? Is you bathroom sharing a wall with your kitchen or otherwise have more plumbing being routed through it?

 

[Sniperwoof]

Is are the fake drawers immediately under the sink, where the sink and it's piping would get in the way? Is you bathroom sharing a wall with your kitchen or otherwise have more plumbing being routed through it?

Some are but then there's one cabinet over the stove that is fake and on the other side of the wall is my bedroom so I can't think of any plausible reason why there would be piping or lines running through there.

Unless the plumbing/electrical are jerry rigged trailer park style and it's a nightmare behind the scenes.

 

[VargReallyDidNothingWrong]

He friendzoned me 2 days later after I spent the night at his place taking care of his emotions. Thought we were making an emotional and personal connection but I guess not.

SMH women think they're entitled to a romantic relationship just because a guy asked them to dance. They really do only want one thing.

Moved into my new apartment and while I generally like the place I noticed today that probably a third of drawers/cabinets in my bathroom are cosmetic only, you can't open them.

Retard doesn't realize that you can't physically fit a sliding drawer into space that's being occupied by the bottom of the sink, the drain plumbing, etc.

Thinks it's a jewish trick to ... do something???

there's one cabinet over the stove that is fake

Retard doesn't realize that the thing over his stove is a vent hood for his stove and consequentially there's shit in that cabinet space that are needed to make that shit work like ducting, etc.

Unless you live in some sort of hellhole without a venilated hood for your stove in which case lmao poor

 

[AnOminous]

I don't know how often or if you do use nasal sprays for the congestion and to open up your airways, but depending on which ones you do, you can build a physical dependance on it, like your body will start making more mucus to combat the nasal spray.

I had to dig it out of the bottom of the medicine cabinet because I hadn't used it in so long.

Today, it has finally gone away. No more mucus. No more weirdness.

 

[DavidS877]

Retard doesn't realize that the thing over his stove is a vent hood for his stove and consequentially there's shit in that cabinet space that are needed to make that shit work like ducting, etc.

Mine still opens, sure it's got a giant duct running through it, but there's still space there. I use it for all the manuals for the kitchen appliances since it seems like a good place for that.

Also I have a wire sticking out of the wall with bare ends to dissuade anyone from messing with that cabinet. Sadly I disconnected the other end of the wire so it's perfectly safe and the best I can do would be to cut it flush and cram it back into the wall someday.