How are you doing? - Kiwi Farms Wellness Check

Well, the interview went great.

Problem: literally nothing I was told was the truth. The 'tuition assistance program' was covered in all kinds of red tape and technicalities that make it almost impossible to get an actual education in a field I want. Union rules means that your competency has no bearing on your shifts, mobility, and/or chance of promotion, it's all seniority, and they don't offer any mobility or shift changes until at least one year in. Oh, even better- federal minimum wage!

Yeah, I'd rather go to a warehouse.
 
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Today has been a brain-fuck. Decided to have a browse around the second hand bookstore near where I live. Noticed an old bible and thought "Neat, I used to have one just like that...", picked it up, opened it and looked at my name and address, scrawled in the frontispage as a 10 year old.🤯 I haven't seen it in 25+ years. It's kinda blown my head out a bit, ngl.
 
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littlearmalite said:
Well, the interview went great.

Problem: literally nothing I was told was the truth. The 'tuition assistance program' was covered in all kinds of red tape and technicalities that make it almost impossible to get an actual education in a field I want. Union rules means that your competency has no bearing on your shifts, mobility, and/or chance of promotion, it's all seniority, and they don't offer any mobility or shift changes until at least one year in. Oh, even better- federal minimum wage!

Yeah, I'd rather go to a warehouse.
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Lying in an interview is the first step to making enough money you don't need to like your job.
 
I came to the realization a day or two ago that i'm never going to let myself be happy. Maybe it was longer ago, I don't fucking know times just started to bleed together at this point. I'm in a position that is frankly luckier than most, objectively speaking. Good relationships with most of my family, and I've even managed to find people that I think are genuinely good people to be my friends. But it's not real. Not on my end at least. All anyone knows about me is the character I act like. I can't let anyone ever get close to me, to actually see me be weak. Fuckin, even this is giving me anxiety about typing it out.

So I'm just going to keep sabotaging my relationships, being toxic and keeping everyone at distance, wrapping my problems in layers of irony so that everyone thinks I'm joking. I got invited to a friend's tonight for her small birthday get together of 5 of us. When I got there I told them that if i hadn't been invited I had been planning on drinking myself to sleep. They laughed about it. Not that I blame them, everything I say I've given them reason to think is all one big joke. Every allusion to killing myself, every time I feel genuinely hurt by something that happened to me. All because i'm too much of a fucking bitch to say anything, to drop the act and be genuine for a second. And it's my fault, not anyone else's.

TL;DR I'm a fucking coward bitch who's going to keep ruining this for everyone until I eventually die, probably by killing myself.
 
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If there's one thing I don't need right now, then it is sticking medical needles in my buttocks. Otherwise, I'm fine.
 
I know it's smart to be generally un-trusting of a lot of people, but lately a lot of this unease has been feeling like paranoia and for a lot of no reasons. Don't get that, random people aren't against me, I'm largely a lurker on the internet in general and I don't get out so who would be against me?
 
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Taking it easy as of now. I've been working on Housebound, mostly fixing all the beginner mistakes I made and reworking literally almost everything about it into something that's hopefully a little more competent.

Take it from me, kiddies, don't plan a project without having at least 90% of your character designs, plot and other things complete or otherwise you'll spend almost a quarter of a year trying to undo the damage like me!
 
I want to be anywhere else right now.

I want to be in texas again, i want to be back on my medication, I want to be as far away from my family as possible, I don't want to be here anymore. I want to be around people that actually care about me beyond 'yes, let me show you off to my neighbors and friends as a symbol of my good christian charity.'
 
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The annoyance of the masks is getting on my last nerves. Wearing the masks causes me great stress and anger. It's starting to have an effect on my physical health, and while I've found mitigations it doesnt change the fact I am so sick and tired of wearing these stupid things. I'm tired of getting sores on my mouth and ears, I'm tired of being mentally exhausted constantly, and I am so tired of trying to breathe through these damn things in 90 degree heat.

I'm also totally over everything either being cancelled or scaled down. Having politics injected into every hobby and escapism. The endless political screeching in the streets and the smell of burning asphalt. I want to go back, back to when I was younger and the PC bullshit didnt infest every corner of the mainstream. But I cant, I can only live in a shell of the olden days through the media and products of the era.

I understand why my family members became hill people far from the reaches of humanity now, and if I didnt need modern medical tech I'd be right there with them. I just hope this all finally climaxes after November so we can collectively move on as a society.

littlearmalite said:
I want to be anywhere else right now.

I want to be in texas again, i want to be back on my medication, I want to be as far away from my family as possible, I don't want to be here anymore. I want to be around people that actually care about me beyond 'yes, let me show you off to my neighbors and friends as a symbol of my good christian charity.'
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Then you should leave. Based on your previous posts you have retail experience, so you should be able to get a (crappy) job just about anywhere, and living in a tiny shoebox apartment alone is quite liberating when youre running from a shithead family.

If the heifers from 600lbs life can do it so can you.
 
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DNA_JACKED said:
The annoyance of the masks is getting on my last nerves. Wearing the masks causes me great stress and anger. It's starting to have an effect on my physical health, and while I've found mitigations it doesnt change the fact I am so sick and tired of wearing these stupid things. I'm tired of getting sores on my mouth and ears, I'm tired of being mentally exhausted constantly, and I am so tired of trying to breathe through these damn things in 90 degree heat.
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If you can get one of those cycling tube mask dealies you can pull up from around the neck. Breathes easier and won't irritate your ears.

Goes without saying, but drink extra water and be extra diligent with brushing, flossing, and mouthwash. Mask mouth is a thing and hot weather makes it worse.
 
DNA_JACKED said:
The annoyance of the masks is getting on my last nerves. Wearing the masks causes me great stress and anger. It's starting to have an effect on my physical health, and while I've found mitigations it doesnt change the fact I am so sick and tired of wearing these stupid things. I'm tired of getting sores on my mouth and ears, I'm tired of being mentally exhausted constantly, and I am so tired of trying to breathe through these damn things in 90 degree heat.

I'm also totally over everything either being cancelled or scaled down. Having politics injected into every hobby and escapism. The endless political screeching in the streets and the smell of burning asphalt. I want to go back, back to when I was younger and the PC bullshit didnt infest every corner of the mainstream. But I cant, I can only live in a shell of the olden days through the media and products of the era.

I understand why my family members became hill people far from the reaches of humanity now, and if I didnt need modern medical tech I'd be right there with them. I just hope this all finally climaxes after November so we can collectively move on as a society.


Then you should leave. Based on your previous posts you have retail experience, so you should be able to get a (crappy) job just about anywhere, and living in a tiny shoebox apartment alone is quite liberating when youre running from a shithead family.

If the heifers from 600lbs life can do it so can you.
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The facediapers are giving me pretty bad acne, I thought I was way past it.
My gym is strict and I can only have it off in the shower. I go hard on the treadmill and the wimpy neck gaiter I switch to can't possibly be effective.

I have the mask pulled down when I'm outside and people come at you for it.
 
Well I'm a couple deep and about to get into the hard stuff. Fucking, got no where to be tomorrow so time to be up until the wee hours polishing off some fucking rum, right? Maybe if I drink enough I'll get enough fucking energy to scream about how much I fucking hate myself and everything around me.

Meat Target said:
Despite running 3 miles and doing squats today, I still feel like a fat fuck because I ate too much pizza.
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Aw c'mon bud, you're doing great. That's motivation right there. You're putting in the time. Keep on trucking through man, weight loss is hard as shit.
 
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This week kinda sucked cause I got through to a final interview round for a PC tech job, thought things went well but didn't make it. On the flip side though, connected with a former coworker of friends and went drinking. Which is extra nice cause my friends are being retarded corona doomers and would rather be shut ins for eternity I guess
 
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I just had two positive pregnancy tests in a row. I think they’re trying to tell me something. 😆 In all seriousness, I’m scared, excited, nauseous (well, for a couple of reasons), and afraid that I’m gonna be a horrible mother. After finally getting stabilized with hub and a career trajectory, this happens... and I won’t fuck this up too bad, will I?

It’s a weird feeling. I’m also totally feeling love and protectiveness kick in. Any Kiwi moms out there?
 
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I fucking hate it when someone gets mad at me because they "did everything they could" to help me with my depression but it's magically still there. First off, I don't expect any help with my depression or anxiety because that's my responsibility. It's actually been on track to getting better because some of the real-life things bothering me will be out of the way soon. I've been feeling better lately.

Secondly, what do you mean by help? What exactly did you do? You never did anything but act normal and apparently that's everything you could do? Wow, what an awesome helper. And now since you're taking it personally I'M the bad guy. And instead of you actually helping now I actually do feel depressed and awful so thanks for the negative feedback loop.
 
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