How are you doing? - Kiwi Farms Wellness Check

[Stilgar of Troon]

I fucking hate it when someone gets mad at me because they "did everything they could" to help me with my depression but it's magically still there. First off, I don't expect any help with my depression or anxiety because that's my responsibility. It's actually been on track to getting better because some of the real-life things bothering me will be out of the way soon. I've been feeling better lately.

Secondly, what do you mean by help? What exactly did you do? You never did anything but act normal and apparently that's everything you could do? Wow, what an awesome helper. And now since you're taking it personally I'M the bad guy. And instead of you actually helping now I actually do feel depressed and awful so thanks for the negative feedback loop.

Ughh, fuck this nonsense. I hate this. You get to be the bad guy because them bringing you a ice cream (or making you a meal or some other miscellany) and actually taking time to talk to you didn't magically fix your brainwrong. Or the old favourite "what can I do to make it all okay?"... If I knew that, I'd be doing it, or at least attempting to. This kind of interaction made me just pretend I was fine for years in order to sidestep this whole shitshow.

 

[Dick Justice]

I fucking hate it when someone gets mad at me because they "did everything they could" to help me with my depression but it's magically still there. First off, I don't expect any help with my depression or anxiety because that's my responsibility. It's actually been on track to getting better because some of the real-life things bothering me will be out of the way soon. I've been feeling better lately.

Secondly, what do you mean by help? What exactly did you do? You never did anything but act normal and apparently that's everything you could do? Wow, what an awesome helper. And now since you're taking it personally I'M the bad guy. And instead of you actually helping now I actually do feel depressed and awful so thanks for the negative feedback loop.

Ughh, fuck this nonsense. I hate this. You get to be the bad guy because them bringing you a ice cream (or making you a meal or some other miscellany) and actually taking time to talk to you didn't magically fix your brainwrong. Or the old favourite "what can I do to make it all okay?"... If I knew that, I'd be doing it, or at least attempting to. This kind of interaction made me just pretend I was fine for years in order to sidestep this whole shitshow.

As a not-haver I always found this insightful even though it's taking the piss. Might be useful for chastising the presumptive and/or morally indignant.

 

[Muttnik]

I fucking hate it when someone gets mad at me because they "did everything they could" to help me with my depression but it's magically still there. First off, I don't expect any help with my depression or anxiety because that's my responsibility. It's actually been on track to getting better because some of the real-life things bothering me will be out of the way soon. I've been feeling better lately.

Secondly, what do you mean by help? What exactly did you do? You never did anything but act normal and apparently that's everything you could do? Wow, what an awesome helper. And now since you're taking it personally I'M the bad guy. And instead of you actually helping now I actually do feel depressed and awful so thanks for the negative feedback loop.

Depression is literally the worst, especially when you have a cruddy support network. I've had in the past where people would blame me because I had the gall to continue being sad after big speeches. It's not a switch you can turn on and off.

My best advice is to try to get out and get some fresh air when you can. I drove out to the country this weekend for some fun and it really helped me unwind and take my mind off things. Road trips that involve aimless driving around and seeing the sights can be very cathartic. I'm moving out to the country full time in a few weeks because living downtown is just too loud and stressful to my health. Getting some quiet time in is always important.

Just remember it doesn't last forever, bud. It feels like it does. But not forever. It's just bad brain chemistry trying to fuck with you. Good days are coming. Just bide your time and wait.

 

[DNA_JACKED]

My boss decided to corner me today and accuse me of not working hard enough today. This led into a heated argument, and now tomorrow we have to have a "meeting" about it. Fucking bullshit, all because he saw me going in and out of our warehouse multiple times today, when he was sending emails constantly telling us to make sure we pick up all this stuff for the upcoming events.

I guess my problem is showing up too soon? I dont get it. But it pisses me off, I do a shitload of work for this asshole, all the OT he can give, and manage a politically charged section of work, heading off a ton of issues that could land on his desk instead. And he gets bitchy over me talking to a coworker, fucking bullshit.

If you can get one of those cycling tube mask dealies you can pull up from around the neck. Breathes easier and won't irritate your ears.

Goes without saying, but drink extra water and be extra diligent with brushing, flossing, and mouthwash. Mask mouth is a thing and hot weather makes it worse.

I've been wearing bandannas, which have the benefit of not irritating me (as much) and not restricting breathing at all when tied correctly.

The biggest issue (and its likely a sensory issue) is that having anything touch my face makes me both anxious and stressed, and eventually angry. I've had a lot of anger issues and escalation issues lately, and I'm pretty sure the masks are whats doing it.

The facediapers are giving me pretty bad acne, I thought I was way past it.
My gym is strict and I can only have it off in the shower. I go hard on the treadmill and the wimpy neck gaiter I switch to can't possibly be effective.

I have the mask pulled down when I'm outside and people come at you for it.

I've gotten sores on my mouth and behind my ears. The sweat is no joke.

 

[Technetium]

Despite running 3 miles and doing squats today, I still feel like a fat fuck because I ate too much pizza.

How many squats?

I'm feeling like more of a useless piece of junk than usual these days. Also I ate a whole bag of Cheetos, which is the main reason I usually never buy junk food. I'm only full when the package is empty.

 

[Cheerlead-in-Chief]

I ate cake and used Omegle for the last time.
I did some math class work this morning.
And I took 2 naps.

 

[Duncan Hills Coffee]

I've started doing push ups in addition to my daily yoga and runs. My goal is 50 a day broken up in increments of 10, with the goal of increasing the increments as time goes on. I'm feeling really good about myself. I'm glad I'm doing a lot more moving around. I need the exercise anyway since I can't really go to the gym right now.

 

[Technetium]

I came to the realization a day or two ago that i'm never going to let myself be happy. Maybe it was longer ago, I don't fucking know times just started to bleed together at this point. I'm in a position that is frankly luckier than most, objectively speaking. Good relationships with most of my family, and I've even managed to find people that I think are genuinely good people to be my friends. But it's not real. Not on my end at least. All anyone knows about me is the character I act like. I can't let anyone ever get close to me, to actually see me be weak. Fuckin, even this is giving me anxiety about typing it out.

So I'm just going to keep sabotaging my relationships, being toxic and keeping everyone at distance, wrapping my problems in layers of irony so that everyone thinks I'm joking. I got invited to a friend's tonight for her small birthday get together of 5 of us. When I got there I told them that if i hadn't been invited I had been planning on drinking myself to sleep. They laughed about it. Not that I blame them, everything I say I've given them reason to think is all one big joke. Every allusion to killing myself, every time I feel genuinely hurt by something that happened to me. All because i'm too much of a fucking bitch to say anything, to drop the act and be genuine for a second. And it's my fault, not anyone else's.

TL;DR I'm a fucking coward bitch who's going to keep ruining this for everyone until I eventually die, probably by killing myself.

For me it's slightly different. I do have a dark sense of humour about myself, so like with you people mostly think I'm not really as miserable as I'm pretending to be. But then there are moments where I make it clear I'm not joking around, that I'm seriously reaching out, but at the same time I don't want to be a burden, because I know I'm unloading something heavy. So I immediately minimize my problems, my call for help becomes a soliloquy that starts with me illustrating the problem, expressing my emotional distress, and ending with me reassuring myself and giving myself advice "oh but I know I'll be fine, I'll just do this and this and that", never really giving the other person a chance to say much.
I get really really uncomfortable if I feel that the other person (and I'm talking about close friends and family too) is making a real effort in trying to help me out, for three reasons: the first is that I feel I'm just not worth it; the second is that I'm afraid that by putting in real effort, that person will expose their real feelings about me, i.e. that they're just tolerating me and for fuck's sake, why the hell did I think I could come to them with my personal baggage?; the third is that I don't want to put that person on the spot and make them feel bad in the case that they can't help me despite wanting to. Also, I just hate being the center of attention in general.
So for me, people either think I'm fucking with them, or that I've got it under control and just need to vent a bit now and then.

 

[I__quit]

My SO and I will be going out camping in the boonies for the long weekend with a couple of his family members. There are 101 reasons I could sit out the trip (I haven't met these people, for one) but I'm getting back into depressive-dependent mode. Hardcore. If I don't take the opportunity to get the fuck out of the house, off the internet, and outdoors I'll just continue to marinate in my neet tears. If nothing else it'll be a shock to the system. I've never spent a night out in the middle of nowhere, let alone four.

 

[Draventren]

I fucking hate it when someone gets mad at me because they "did everything they could" to help me with my depression but it's magically still there. First off, I don't expect any help with my depression or anxiety because that's my responsibility. It's actually been on track to getting better because some of the real-life things bothering me will be out of the way soon. I've been feeling better lately.

Secondly, what do you mean by help? What exactly did you do? You never did anything but act normal and apparently that's everything you could do? Wow, what an awesome helper. And now since you're taking it personally I'M the bad guy. And instead of you actually helping now I actually do feel depressed and awful so thanks for the negative feedback loop.

I feel you. I appreciate when people try to help, or try to appreciate when they do things for me, even if they're small. It's easy to forget though that the people who are trying to help you, who get frustrated don't really understand depression. That's no justification to get mad that their presences somehow lacks curative properties that take all your problems away and blame you for the problem. Most of the time, people who haven't lived it, just don't really get it, even the people who are very good natured who want to help, hell who might even be educated about it in a real way. It's like trying to understand what it's like to be missing an arm, I think. You can kind of imagine it, but you're never really going to fully understand it unless it happens.

I know we don't know each other, but as one depressive to another, I'm glad you're starting to feel better and I hope you can keep the momentum going, and I hope you can work through this issue with the person/people who are making you feel this way.

My SO and I will be going out camping in the boonies for the long weekend with a couple of his family members. There are 101 reasons I could sit out the trip (I haven't met these people, for one) but I'm getting back into depressive-dependent mode. Hardcore. If I don't take the opportunity to get the fuck out of the house, off the internet, and outdoors I'll just continue to marinate in my neet tears. If nothing else it'll be a shock to the system. I've never spent a night out in the middle of nowhere, let alone four.

I hope it's a fun trip! Camping is great, even with people you don't know that well. I don't know what helps you with any of your problems, but if you like the quiet and the calm, middle of nowhere is perfect.

 

[Coffee Druid]

I feel you. I appreciate when people try to help, or try to appreciate when they do things for me, even if they're small. It's easy to forget though that the people who are trying to help you, who get frustrated don't really understand depression. That's no justification to get mad that their presences somehow lacks curative properties that take all your problems away and blame you for the problem. Most of the time, people who haven't lived it, just don't really get it, even the people who are very good natured who want to help, hell who might even be educated about it in a real way. It's like trying to understand what it's like to be missing an arm, I think. You can kind of imagine it, but you're never really going to fully understand it unless it happens.

I know we don't know each other, but as one depressive to another, I'm glad you're starting to feel better and I hope you can keep the momentum going, and I hope you can work through this issue with the person/people who are making you feel this way.



I hope it's a fun trip! Camping is great, even with people you don't know that well. I don't know what helps you with any of your problems, but if you like the quiet and the calm, middle of nowhere is perfect.

Thanks, I appreciate your words. The person I'm talking about has mentioned they've had previous bouts of depression and I believe it, but it's probably not the same type or severity as me. I've had chronic depression for years though it goes up and down. I probably should talk to a doctor to see if I could try therapy to really get some improvement but I'm just socially awkward about making appointments. That's my problem and I admit it. Communication in general is my achilles heel. Especially when I grew up with family who tried to downplay my depression or actively contributed to it. I don't think the person I mentioned had any toxic family members as bad as mine (I don't truly know though) so maybe they don't understand that either. But I'll soon be away from those people and in my own place so that will be a breath of fresh air.

 

[Draventren]

Thanks, I appreciate your words. The person I'm talking about has mentioned they've had previous bouts of depression and I believe it, but it's probably not the same type or severity as me. I've had chronic depression for years though it goes up and down. I probably should talk to a doctor to see if I could try therapy to really get some improvement but I'm just socially awkward about making appointments. That's my problem and I admit it. Communication in general is my achilles heel. Especially when I grew up with family who tried to downplay my depression or actively contributed to it. I don't think the person I mentioned had any toxic family members as bad as mine (I don't truly know though) so maybe they don't understand that either. But I'll soon be away from those people and in my own place so that will be a breath of fresh air.

Ha, preaching to the choir, man. I was diagnosed with the same thing years ago, I feel you on the ups and downs. Same thing on the communication, this thread is about the most I've communicated about my problems to anyone in years, maybe ever. I do hope you talk to a doctor, when you feel like you can and get some help.

 

[FuckedUp]

Finally got over my aversion to wearing a mask: wearing a clear face shield* with a piece of packing tape that has "COMPUTING FOREVER" written in marker actually makes me feel pretty based.

*face shields also take care of the anxiety issue

 

[CharlesBarkley]

I've started doing push ups in addition to my daily yoga and runs. My goal is 50 a day broken up in increments of 10, with the goal of increasing the increments as time goes on. I'm feeling really good about myself. I'm glad I'm doing a lot more moving around. I need the exercise anyway since I can't really go to the gym right now.

its expensive, but recommended ring fit. Works for pretty decent cardio.

Still gonna need to bench, tho.

 

[Juan But Not Forgotten]

Another visit to the doctor - no good news again. Nothing life threatening, but I'm so done with this shit, that I'd rather had a serious illness and cured, than had to deal with this shit for the past 4 years, despite doing everything they told me to. And when I realize how much money, time and emotional powers were wasted on this nonsense, it only gets worse. It also takes a big toll on my will - I don't even want to do some useless shit, like playing games or scrolling these forums anymore, I just sit on my chair and wait for... something. I'm surprised I still can force myself to visit gym or doing routine stuff.
Take care, people.

 

[soft breathing]

I'm feeling a lot better compared to the last few days/weeks after a huge amount of Chinese food at my favorite restaurant yesterday evening and a full 8 hours of sleep.

Asian food seems to fix everything for me. Maybe it's the MSG, maybe all the fat in the food, who knows.

 

[judge claude frollo]

I have a lot on my mind today. One of my closest friends, who happens to be way older than me, has dropped off the face of the planet.

She's one of the best, most fucking genuine people I know and I've looked to her for a lot of guidance this last year because of our age difference. She doesn't have friends really besides my girlfriend and I, and she's the type of person that thrives on making other people happy and not herself. Well, the last text I got from her was around July. She said she's finally going to therapy. Her life story is one of the most tragic, heartbreaking things in the world and we were so happy for her. But now, nothing. It's like she's just gone.

 

[DatBepisTho]

Pretty good, even with sudden unemployment and COVID considered.
Both are getting bad in my end of burgerland, but shit isn't terrible rn.

Also relearning to relax and not be so spacy or on autopilot and detached from what I'm doing.

 

[Stilgar of Troon]

Been a weird couple of days, can't seem to hit my stride; yesterday particularly, everything seemed "off" in some un-quantifiable way. Mental health is on the mend, though; moving out of the marital battleground has helped immensely with that...
I hope everyone who's having a tough time lately (the regular posters in here) is doing okay right now, though. ❤

 

[Serket's pinoy champion]

I am trying to figure out how to get sufficient privileges to start new threads, but no one is telling me like they are obligated to.