How are you doing? - Kiwi Farms Wellness Check

[Party Hat Wurmple]

Four and Five are twins. Don't you put that evil on me.

Congratulations!!!! Two in a row is crazy.

 

[Brett DeLawyer]

Four and Five are twins. Don't you put that evil on me.

You seem like you’ve got an in with the big man, could you ask God to send me one? In a bajillion years of trying I’ve only managed to beg one off Him, and that’s seeming like it was a one-time only, divine intervention sort of thing.

 

[hideandgoseekchampion]

I fight against my urge to give up, but I always feel like I need to fight harder.

Retarded opening aside, I feel like even though I make alot of money, I have to be better. Idk what to say after that sentence but I feel like after the struggle of establishing myself, what else is there? As much as it hurts to panic about how I'll be nothing. working towards something makes me feel so much better.

What do I have after I make what, $150k? Day of the rope sperging by reloading the ammo I wanna shoot at the shooting range? sperging about pwning myself with a bomb? Idk what to do after I "win" at life. (make "alot" of money.)

 

[KSachiko77]

I fight against my urge to give up, but I always feel like I need to fight harder.

Retarded opening aside, I feel like even though I make alot of money, I have to be better. Idk what to say after that sentence but I feel like after the struggle of establishing myself, what else is there? As much as it hurts to panic about how I'll be nothing. working towards something makes me feel so much better.

What do I have after I make what, $150k? Day of the rope sperging by reloading the ammo I wanna shoot at the shooting range? sperging about pwning myself with a bomb? Idk what to do after I "win" at life. (make "alot" of money.)

Theres a whole list: start a business, establish a family, take up a hobby, gain status, etc. Once you're free of worrying about survival, theres a whole bevy of constructive options you can partake in. Hell, just laze around if you want to. You have a little piece of the world to yourself now.

 

[Abella]

I have to be at work despite being sick because I have no one to replace me and 2 of the dumbass jeet residents are mad at me for it.

 

[Betonhaus]

I have to be at work despite being sick because I have no one to replace me and 2 of the dumbass jeet residents are mad at me for it.

cough on them

 

[(((I am NOT a jew)))]

I'm only half joking- if you keep doing things your mind will appreciate it, especially if you have something to show for your progress.

Funny enough, I actually did a lot of work on the room, rearranged it extensively a couple of weeks ago. I do feel some pride in it. I think it's primarily isolation. I know people can't usually occupy our lives at all waking hours. But the sinking thoughts at night and regrets when I'm by myself are rough.

that sense of obligation and guilt for not following through with my loyalty is an after-effect of my mental state while living with them.

As someone else who's NC with their family, you always feel something is off about not having that particular relationship.

Also... yeah, that.
I've been NC with my parents for almost half a year now. My life has objectively skyrocketed in accomplishment/quality, but that hope that one day things would go back to normal being gone is the biggest void/hole that I feel every second of the day.
I know I and anyone else in similar situations made the right decision.
But I don't exaggerate when I say this:
I would trade every day of the rest of my life if I could have one more day with my family from ten years ago.
Yes, I did the "right" thing. It just came at the cost of the only thing that ever had actual value to me in the world.
I don't give a fuck about clown world, or making a lot of money, or even whatever big goals I've had.
I just want my mom.
People can say they get it or that that feeling goes away with time, but I don't see it. In a way, I don't even think it's supposed to go away.
I hope you all find your peace.


In good news...
I did tell someone from my past who kept trying to get back in my life, finally (in a civilized, respectful way) to fuck off today. Not gonna lie, felt great. Something I've put for a year despite having already blocked them.
Memories of this person have made me ruminate and not be able to concentrate on the good in my life for a long time. Made it hard to enjoy work or my personal time. Not trying to sound over-the-top here, but this persons' treatment of me has caused a lot of actual trauma where I couldn't focus on things for a while. Constant rumination. Excessive low self esteem. I'll be honest that finally saying "No" and telling the person who's caused me the most grief to leave me alone is the most productive thing I've done in a long time. It's something I've put off for a while that I'll never have to worry about or contemplate doing again.

So that made me really happy.

 

[Magnum Magazine]

pretty good, I officially cashed out of TF2 making over $210 from selling my stuff (which can only be used on Steam, unfortunately).

Dude, thank you so much for posting this, I haven't played TF2 in years but I checked my inventory and sold 2 items for ~$300 total because of you. Cannot even imagine actually spending that much for literally anything in a video game, but a fool and his money are soon parted, so I'll take it lol. Maybe I'll buy a Steam Deck with it that I'll never play.

 

[owed to joy]

Been working so hard these last 12 months. Saving so much damn money. Finally about to spend some quality time and take the wife to the Greek Islands on Monday. We're going to be on vacation for 16 consecutive days. Gonna get in some great bike riding, sailing, all that shit. And when I get back, we're buying a house. This is the year.

To follow up, we had a great time. We did so many things and went to so many places, it'd be a lot to summarize. But if you're not European and are considering leisure travel in Europe, Greeks are far friendlier and more accommodating & amply less elitist than Germans, Italians, French, Dutch and Spanish towards tourists*. However, one recurring observation I made throughout 4 Greek islands (some more metropolitan than others) was that everyone seems to sleep in till after 9am. You cannot find a breakfast spot open until almost 10am most days but even then it's erratic. A place may open at 9am one day, 9.30 the next, 10am and back to 9, unpredictable and yet reliably always later than I like to eat breakfast. Moreover it's not as though they're up all night. Things close at the normal midnight-2am window, save for some deep cuts. Athens on the mainland was an exception- you can get breakfast fairly early although certainly not all night.
Anyway it was fun; some great time away & well spent with the wife and some good friends.
I've set out some goals to pursue immediately following this vacation. I came back on Tuesday (4 days ago) and have since then met with my finance guy to verify my home budget & scheduled 2 meetings with realtors. I've applied for a promotion at work. I've ran 8-12 miles a day, worked out at the gym 2 hours daily. Still got some things on the list but you know, one thing at a time. Hope to be closing on a house within 12 months & baby on the way ideally around the same time. Hit the ground running.

*Edit to add: Greeks were very nice people, very welcoming. In contrast, I've found that Germans, French, Dutch, Italians and Spanish people are more abrasive towards visitors & tourists especially. As an example, my wife learned to say thank you in Greek. She would practice at every restaurant we went to and ask the waitstaff to verify if she said it right. They were very sweet to her, they would say it right back and smile and teach her "you're welcome" and they gave feedback and tips and they'd practice it with her; you know just really nice. Meanwhile my wife does the same thing everywhere else we go and every one of those other places I listed has been this: they roll their eyes, feign a smirk and say it's okay or you're welcome in English. One time someone told her don't bother lol.
I say all that to say this: you can't drink the water in Greece or brush your teeth with it nor can you flush toilet paper down the toilet. Everywhere people were rude to us, you can.

 

[hideandgoseekchampion]

Theres a whole list: start a business, establish a family, take up a hobby, gain status, etc. Once you're free of worrying about survival, theres a whole bevy of constructive options you can partake in. Hell, just laze around if you want to. You have a little piece of the world to yourself now.

Wrote this at the bottom of a bottle of fireball but yeah. I'm in a goofy state right now because I drive an hour each way to work for a night shift job (where nothing happens/theres no work to do) so I kinda just eat shit and study/watch youtube videos, get home at like 830 in the morning before I go to bed at 3.

Going to start going to the gym next week so I can atleast start getting some social interaction/see if I can fight this weird fatigue issue I've gotten since starting the night shift so I don't feel like shit. Getting put back on day shift start of next month though so thats nice.

 

[Shitted Scaredless]

At this point I'm wondering if I'm ever going to feel good again. It's probably all due to a combination of the stress of my home life and the fact its broiling hot out, but man at this point I'm just annoyed.

 

[⋖ cørdion ⋗]

Hm. Spent a few days roadtripping with family. Not sure whether it was the trip itself or my family, but I just always get such a different outlook on life when I'm away from home. "oh what a cute little town, younguns working their first gig, old people going for walks" etc. Then I return home and it's back to living in isolation, having nothing and no one, and measuring only success in (lack of) job advancements.

Then I go home for xmas and "What a cozy town, oh look a new building" etc. I fear I've taken some mental damage from living so far from family. I lack the weekly visit. It's only 2 hours away but that's a lot given the size of my country. Man, wish I lived near friends and family but there's nothing for me if I move back until I got a career and actual employability.

Dude, thank you so much for posting this, I haven't played TF2 in years but I checked my inventory and sold 2 items for ~$300 total because of you. Cannot even imagine actually spending that much for literally anything in a video game, but a fool and his money are soon parted, so I'll take it lol. Maybe I'll buy a Steam Deck with it that I'll never play.

On the other hand, Ive spent 2-3k hours playing 6v6 TF2 and it was the best time of my youth. I spent -ages- trying to get two unusuals I dearly wanted, hitting up dead accounts etc. I finally got them but had to sell them to replace a broken GPU. Now I look back.. 2x $80. Like I make that in a fucking extra shift and then some. Anyway, I also sold a dota 2 pudge hook at like $150 but it has since then gone to +$300 iirc. I had a friend who traded unusuals for a plane ticket. Was a fun time in life.

Wrote this at the bottom of a bottle of fireball but yeah. I'm in a goofy state right now because I drive an hour each way to work for a night shift job (where nothing happens/theres no work to do) so I kinda just eat shit and study/watch youtube videos, get home at like 830 in the morning before I go to bed at 3.

Going to start going to the gym next week so I can atleast start getting some social interaction/see if I can fight this weird fatigue issue I've gotten since starting the night shift so I don't feel like shit. Getting put back on day shift start of next month though so thats nice.

I randomly gambled on a $1100 road bike and it gave me a good few years of fun. Logging my paths, seeing how far I can go etc. I understand the gym hustle and Ive been there, but doing something "Useful" with the workout feels so good. However, tired of puncture anxiety etc, tempted to just start running. Then I can also drive somewhere and run around a lake or something. Getting started however..

I work a bottom tier hospital service gig and it's good. Pays aight, nice coworkers, good hours, but I really lack that something to do at home. What's an easy week good for if I don't got something to do in my time off? I constantly bounce between "Aight gonna beat these 500 hour TTRPG games" and "Just gonna grind tekken" and then end up doing neither. "Oooh join a club", can't with my wacky hours. I can bike and run on my own time, can't do much else. Then I get hyped on tekken and aw yeah time to- find a thread on /v/ about how dogshit fighting games are and I go "oh yeah, right" and uninstall them again. Hm.

 

[DoomsdayElite]

Woke up feeling like shit. Pollen is bad this summer. Considered flaking out on the gym, but ultimately went and got an hour in. Not as long as I usually go for, but I felt better after. Picked up a card for a friend whose sister was recently diagnosed with a brain tumor. She's trying to stay positive for her sister's sake but I can still tell how frightened and worried she is after she called me last night. Surgery is pending, it's very high risk. Could suffer partial paralysis, might need to relearn how to walk. Could even die.

 

[Nick Obre]

Kid's grandpa is still hospitalized, and there's no real hope of recovery, but he's also stable enough that this may be drawn out for a while. It's a sad situation, but all I can do to help is look after the kid (which I absolutely don't mind, if I could have her live with me permanently, I would) so Kid's mom can focus on dealing with the situation. Whatever else I may think of her, I'm really sorry for her right now. She has to take care it entirely on her own, because Kid's grandma has severe memory issues and is just a mess (not Alzheimer's, but might as well be), and the only brother lives far away and only decided to show up for a couple of days, during which he not just didn't help, but made things worse because he refuses to see how terminal the situation is, and his only suggestions were things that would exacerbate everything and take more effort and stress from Kid's mom. And then there's the rest of the family, mostly old fucks that also don't understand and only make things harder with their need for drama bullshit.
Harsh thing to say, but the best scenario right now is for Kid's grandpa to pass away as soon as possible, so Kid's mom can get it all over with and just fucking rest for a while.

On a lighter note, in the last day or two, I've noticed multiple instances of people on Youtube using "Berate" to mean "figuratively throw a lot of a thing at someone". "Berate him with questions", for example.
That's not what it fucking means, is it?
I looked at various dictionaries and found only the definition that I knew, which is to "angrily criticize someone"

 

[The Cringe Connoisseur]

Well the US is about to go to shit for the next few years AGAIN and I can't afford to move to sweden to get away from all of these worthless obnoxious retards who worship born rich parasitic half wits so I can't help but feel like a rat in a cage at the moment. Guess i'll go take some kratom and drink some beer.

 

[LonesomeDud]

Two people died in a horror show yesterday, and all people can focus on are two utterly forgetful and forgettable old men. I'm sad for our country.

 

[Cemetery Support]

I hate nicotine so much. My lungs were already damaged and I’m exacerbating the harm because of a stupid dopamine loop — right now I feel no different than the losers I laugh at on this website, caught in the clutches of vice. The process of kicking the habit sucks because there are things I still enjoy about smoking, but I know that I need to or else it will kill me. I couldn’t get to sleep till about 3 last night because when I’d start to slip into sleep, I’d feel myself jerk awake because I couldn’t breathe. Thats not fucking normal.

My grandfather quit cigarettes in the 80s but still smokes cigars. I shared one with him and really enjoyed it. They last almost an hour, taste and smell wonderful, and its this slow, meditative process where you don’t actually inhale anything. He only does it once in a while (once a week, once a month, etc.), and he has this vice so under control that it’s admirable. He seems to be in perfect health for a man his age. I hope to be like that.

 

[Just a boring name]

Had a mental health scare yesterday and ended up in the hospital.

I'm very scared how powerful the urge was, how calm I was, and how I seemed to be following a methodical plan.

It has really frightened me, the only thing that snapped me out of it was a completely coincidental happening, literally as I was starting, and after I'd already travelled almost 15 miles away to carry out this plan that I hadn't planned but found myself calmly going ahead with.

Now that I'm home I feel stupid, ashamed, embarrassed and guilty.

 

[AnOminous]

The process of kicking the habit sucks because there are things I still enjoy about smoking, but I know that I need to or else it will kill me.

I always found what kept me from quitting was doing things like setting a date and then just quitting. Didn't work. I would blow it off. I finally quit because I wanted to watch a really long movie and was out of cigarettes, so I just got a pack of gum instead, with no intention of using it for anything other than periods of time when I couldn't smoke and didn't want to have to go outside.

Then I just decided why not just keep using this instead of smoking? I also got patches (you're totally not supposed to do this at the same time) and nicotine lollipops (these don't exist any more) but e-cigs didn't yet exist. Then I cut down to the 2 mg gum, and then slowly tapered down (cutting them in half and then in quarters), and the process was so unpleasant that by the time I was on my last piece, I was really glad just to quit.

And by that time, the withdrawal was mostly over already. Never smoked again because the whole idea of ever quitting again is awful.

You almost have to find your own way to quit because most of the recommended ways or programs or other bullshit don't work for everyone.

It was the hardest thing I've ever quit and I've quit stuff considered a lot worse than that.

 

[Meat Target]

Just got back from another fantastic innawoods vaycay with the Meat Clan. Got to climb mountains, drink fresh mountain water, and look at wild forest frens up close.

Get outside and touch grass, Kiwis.