How are you doing? - Kiwi Farms Wellness Check

Reminds me of a post I saw the other day. Basically along the lines "you look forward to the end of the week to reward yourself with pizza, but then you also start preparing yourself with a reward of pizza for the new week", and suddenly you're in this loop of realizing no " normal week" longer exists.
God, that's how I've been feeling the past year or so. It always feels like the weekend comes, and then before I know it, it's Sunday night and I'm dreading the week. And I can't get a single fucking job offer.
 
God, that's how I've been feeling the past year or so. It always feels like the weekend comes, and then before I know it, it's Sunday night and I'm dreading the week. And I can't get a single fucking job offer.
2 years of unemployment at the very least made me develop a decent rhythm of "look around for an hour every morning and then quit if there isn't anything". Doubly so now that I have an actual job and don't 'need' a new one, but it still sucks. I was interviewed at a nestlé owned mom-n-pops which was nuts; the great of a small company with the benefit of an international one. They screamed in my face "we want you" but forgot to even call and say I was rejected. I just applied for a customer support esque position with them and somehow I'm baffled they've yet to even automatically reject me. Radio silence.

Ironically, applying for within my field, it was 5-20 applications per. These generic public office gigs have 100-150, and they have some fucking fetish for replying with "we got so x amount of applications" as if that's meant to relieve people. "Oh they had so many, the competition was tough"? Even if 90% are dogshit I still just think "oh great I have to outperform 149 people". I used to look at linkedin too but it has literally just died. Not a single marketing listing in 1/3 of the country including the capital. At least that means I don't have to bother with that site.
 
What I find annoying is that I really don't have a clear career path. I'm trying to get back into machining but it's hard to do - there's only maybe one new job listing up a day. But maybe i could become a train driver, maybe i could work at a warehouse, maybe i could be in all sorts of places, but it's like I'm in a room with many doors and I'm constantly checking them all to see if there's one unlocked - and when I do find one unlocked then it has a long hallway with a door on the end that's also locked. Maybe I could wait at the end of that hallway and keep knocking, or I should go back to the room with all of the doors.
 
Kid's mom is finally done with all the chaos, craziness, and worse of all, paperwork caused by Kid's Grandpa's sudden deterioration and passing away; all in all, Kid was with me a full month (for context, our arrangement is a 50/50 split in time and responsibilities, one week here, one week there, and so on), but that's over now. She went back to her mom's house today.

Despite the difficulties of having to break out the bad news and helping her deal with the sadness (and it all happening during a relatively high patch of workload), we had fun. We got to go to the Chinese Light Sculptures thing, tried to hunt down a Ghibli plushie of some kind to take to the concert, and of course, went to the Ghibli concert.

Miss her already.
The dog misses her even more, he wanted to sleep next to her every night, now he's curled on my bed all sad.

Ah well, get through this week, and it'll be Kid week again.
 
I'm finding that my body tends to be out of sorts all the time lately even though I'm only in my late 20s. It all fixes itself after some stretches but I'm wondering if that's supposed to happen. I'm pretty sure my blood should flow automatically. I'm not a zombie am I?
 
There was a post a while back, that I replied to, about work shoes and insoles. My old Dr Marte insoles wore out and so I got Dr Scholl’s “work” gel insoles. If you have high arches, DO NOT GET THESE. I have zero arch support and they suck for my use case. If you have normal or flat feet, they may be fine. For arch feet, they are terrible and you should 100% look for memory foam instead of gel insoles. That is advice I got from a podiatrist acquaintance. I should have gotten the Dr Marten Cushion insoles, as I have found them to be versatile (one foot has a notably higher arch than the other) and they last a long time. Also cost less than $20. I also prefer leather insoles over fabric.
 
i lost a whole lot of weight. I have went from, 270 lb to 138 lb since 2021. I got some kinda nasty loose skin and it’s upsetting as it’s there forever but I am proud of myself. It wasn’t fast but a bulk of my weight loss has happened in the last 18 months. Once I stopped my old meds (psych and medical) and birth control. It began to shed off. Since then my (step but mother nonetheless) mama has been on my case. She keeps harassing me asking if I have an eating disorder. I love her. She’s my mom but she knows I have history (couldn’t control my body medically so weight was one way I could). I have done the right thing. No fasting, if I calorie count be mindful and no purging. My boyfriend has been quite a help in keeping myself in check. We are getting new family photos. Last ones were taken before covid when my dad was really sick from cancer. 1 out of 4 grand kids are in it. Sister divorced. My mama proceeds to list as a reason to get new ones is that I’m not fat… anymore… when it really wasn’t my choice at the time.
I have been struggling with my health issues badly. I have a trip that I badly want to go on I may need to cancel due to them. Last thing I need is to hear that.
Thanks mama armor. Love you too. I now get Chris and his stress sighs.
 
Biggest fear I'll still be the same guy wherever I go and never find a tribe I can belong to.
Man I was the same way, but I've found I just dont really mesh with normal people that much. I dont care about rap or sports or whatever the current TV is, and I have very different goals. So I just keep plugging on day to day making small talk once and a while but really living my social life separate from my workplace.

It took until my mid twenties but I finally found my tribe. When I left college and everybody moved away, I was horribly lonely and depressed, doing nothing every day of the week, but I finally found good people and now I cant seem to get a weekend to myself.

I don't know where you can find well adjusted people you mesh with, I havent really found any irl, and I got very lucky stumbling into friends online who I could regularly meet up with. Just keep trying and remember, the only people who really fit in at an office are generally manipulators.
 
Feeling a mild cold or something like it, unfortunately. I decided to spend some time with my dad yesterday and he was getting over a cold, but I thought, 'i'm fit enough to handle anything'.
I'll just make some fresh ginger tea and do a little exercise later. It's not as bad as it could be, after all... but it still sucks.
 
So the company I was working with (not for) has decided to, for cost-cutting reasons, yeet the existing Language QA team and move those roles to the fucking pajeets.
I worked externally, I wasn't employed, so I'm not fired, but I won't continue in the role I was. My direct not quite boss is a good guy however, and is trying to get me work as an editor for the same account, and seeing if there's anything else I can do outside of it. The amount of work, and therefore of money, will no way be as high as I was doing for the last year and a half, but it's something.
Outside of that, I'll have to go back to the regular freelancer grind I was doing before I started this (and, well, never fully stopped, just scaled back since this job had fixed hours and a flat payment rate), in which I'm hoping there'll be enough to do but I don't have high hopes.

It wasn't for anything related to the quality of the work the team did, in fact we improved it in most metrics, it's just because the Redeems are cheaper.
And they're gonna fuck everything, I tell you. They have severe issues understanding what they're told, do you think they'll be able to do the fucking miracles we were pulling off? Nah son.

NotQuiteBoss argued the same, in more diplomatic words, and I get the feeling he expects it to blow up on higher management's faces and force them to bring us back, because he kept hinting at a potential return somewhere down the line.
But I won't hold my breath.

At least, since I get paid with a delay, I have a couple months of payments coming, and if by this time next month things are looking as grim as they are now, I'll have to pivot hard in some way. Better than being out on my ass effective immediately.
 
while checking on my parents place i nabbed three pies that were at the bottom of her deep freezer for a year, and guessed wrong on two of them (one had apple shapes in the top crust so it wasn't hard to guess). The first one I reheated thinking it would be a dessert pie only for it to turn out to be a meat pie. the second was obviously an apple pie, and the third one i inspected very, very closely and concluded it was an apple pie with sugar on top, only for it to be mincemeat. Problably mincemeat. It could be an apple/oatmeal/rhubarb pie that lost all flavour in the freezer.
 
Kid's mom is finally done with all the chaos, craziness, and worse of all, paperwork caused by Kid's Grandpa's sudden deterioration and passing away; all in all, Kid was with me a full month (for context, our arrangement is a 50/50 split in time and responsibilities, one week here, one week there, and so on), but that's over now. She went back to her mom's house today.

Despite the difficulties of having to break out the bad news and helping her deal with the sadness (and it all happening during a relatively high patch of workload), we had fun. We got to go to the Chinese Light Sculptures thing, tried to hunt down a Ghibli plushie of some kind to take to the concert, and of course, went to the Ghibli concert.

Miss her already.
The dog misses her even more, he wanted to sleep next to her every night, now he's curled on my bed all sad.

Ah well, get through this week, and it'll be Kid week again.
I am so sorry for the loss of grandpa :( but on the other hand that's a great memory you created together, a Ghibli concert must be awesome. Kid will be with you in no time, enjoy ❤️
 
I wake up heavy every single day now. I'm just fucking miserable. There is nothing here and there's no way out. Every single time I make a step forward something will come out of left field and push me three steps back. I feel like a foreigner. I have tried everything, I have heard all the advice and it doesn't help. Dread. I'm inevitably and predicable misunderstood everywhere I go. I go outside and see where I live and feel sick and trapped, I try and talk to people and they don't even seem like they're conscious, I try and plan to get out, but I just don't see any possible path that really will change anything. I have nothing and no-one. I gave 4 years to a dead-rot institution. When I go home and see my family I don't recognize them anymore. My brother's a troon, my other one went off the deep end, my sisters are loud and rude and insult and argue with everything. I don't see a point, even if things started to matter again, what would I be doing anything for. It's useless. I don't talk to anyone anymore. I don't dislike people. But, what the fuck are these people doing? Has everyone been like this the whole time and I'm just finding out now? Why don't people talk at bars anymore? Is there a sickness I can't see in the mirror that everyone else can see? I'm trying to forget everything I've ever done. Why would I get sober? I'll just be worked and worked, then mocked for working so hard. But I want to help. Thats the only thing I've ever wanted to do and its turned out like this. It's the same fucking song over and over again. I just want to get out, but I'll just be trapped again. People deserve exactly what they get, I warned them and tried to help them, and now its my fault. I don't want to hate things. I try my best to be a good dude, I really do. I'm impotent against this fucking evil, any victory is too little to late. I'm sentimental. I miss this stupid girl who is bad but she actually isn't. Everywhere I go is just people asking for my change, my sweat, or my blood. I would give if I had any left. I go out to talk to cashiers now. I'm not good enough for solitude, if I were talented this would be great, but I'm just losing myself more and more. It's fucking July now
 
while checking on my parents place i nabbed three pies that were at the bottom of her deep freezer for a year, and guessed wrong on two of them (one had apple shapes in the top crust so it wasn't hard to guess). The first one I reheated thinking it would be a dessert pie only for it to turn out to be a meat pie. the second was obviously an apple pie, and the third one i inspected very, very closely and concluded it was an apple pie with sugar on top, only for it to be mincemeat. Problably mincemeat. It could be an apple/oatmeal/rhubarb pie that lost all flavour in the freezer.
You stole their pies!
It's fucking July now
Use the return key and paragraphs and shit or nobody will read your post!
 
I started driving to the train station in the morning for work, instead of heaving all my shit uphill for ~10 minutes shortly after waking. Especially in the heat, and given I get warm so fucking easily, that was beginning to become a real drag. Very relieved to arrive at the platform not sweating my back off.

My work gym is closed for 3 weeks due to renovation. I'll have to go to my 'home' gym in the meantime. I don't mind, but it means I'm essentially losing time due to doing it after work now. It's also busier, sadge.
 
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