How are you doing? - Kiwi Farms Wellness Check

bliblblblbbllb said:
When I was younger I was very obsessed with "not being a crazy person", and this also definitely fueled my interest in lolcows due to their lack of shame. Because of my situation, many times it was like the doors were wide open and groups of bad people with ripped jeans and shitty tattoos were hitting crackpipes and saying "come join us at the bottom of this bucket." Once I went to a therapy group and the group leader joked about how everyone there knew what the insides of the local mental ward looked like from being sectioned. I can't express how damaging this was to hear, as someone who has never been in that sort of situation. Many times over, people would say the most self-deprivating things and everyone would laugh. I was horrified and felt very isolated. People had even told me things like "what you went through must not have been as bad as the rest of us, otherwise you'd agree that starting a family is awful, and it's impossible to hold down a job. If you still want things like that, you must not really be that bad off."
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I've been through an insane amount and especially when I was younger I was obsessed with being happy to not burden my friends, what kind of stopped this is hurting and pushing away one who could tell I wasn't doing alright and was convinced it was something to do with her. One thing I've struggled with is even when I'm angry at the world and depressed, beautiful people are still drawn to me, ugly ones too but they have fewer options. I do feel like people are almost encouraged to self-isolate and use negative self-talk by mental health services and I always found it depressing how the staff talked about those in treatment privately, part of the reason I've looked into other fields.
 
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Doubting that you have PTSD be it through comparison to others or just a lack of self worth is an absolutely terrible feeling.
Even I flip-flop depending on how deeply a negative mood I sink into during inactivity. It not being acknowledged or excused as "creepy behavior"/autism by other people is another massive hit and seriously downplays the events you've experienced.
 
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I'm kind of pissed off, but I don't know what to do about it.
A very dear friend of mine recently went to a big European city for a "special" occasion (which I don't believe is that special, but whatever). Now she's back and unloading all her complaints of how boring it was and how much she hated it onto me. Thing is, not many people can afford to go to such big cities for said special occasion, and I really feel like she's being at least somewhat ungrateful and pessimistic. She hasn't found one single thing she enjoyed in that big city with fancy landmarks and rich history and culture. Not one thing? Seriously?
I tried to tell her this very gently to not further spoil her mood, but she didn't understand what I was saying. She said she doesn't want to lie about enjoying it, which I understand, but I don't understand how someone can be so unhappy and immune to appreciating the beauty of a foreign land. I believe she's acting somewhat spoiled. Some people really want to go to a big foreign city, especially for such an occasion, and not many people get to do so, so for her to just come back all pissy and displeased is aggravating.
During the trip she kept complaining over the phone about her clothing and her appearance and how much she hated it all - if you don't like how those clothes look, why did you wear them? If you think you're ugly, why don't you put more effort into your appearance instead of going belly-up and making it everyone else's problem? As a matter of fact, she is decently attractive. So I really don't get it.
 
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Jason Wynn said:
Been smoking like hell all day. No idea why I've been needing my nic-fix so much, but I've gone through an entire pack of cigs in like 10 hours (typically average about half a pack a day)

Well, if any roving gangs of Haitian cannibals make their way to my area, I'm highly carcinogenic.
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About the only cigs I miss are Dunhills. I was a pack a day smoker normally but when I smoked Dunhills, not only did they cost about twice as much as Camels, but I would instantly turn into a two pack a day smoker.

Part of what I did before I finally quit permanently was switch to a disgusting cheap brand I hated.
 
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boards of canada said:
I'm kind of pissed off, but I don't know what to do about it.
A very dear friend of mine recently went to a big European city for a "special" occasion (which I don't believe is that special, but whatever). Now she's back and unloading all her complaints of how boring it was and how much she hated it onto me. Thing is, not many people can afford to go to such big cities for said special occasion, and I really feel like she's being at least somewhat ungrateful and pessimistic. She hasn't found one single thing she enjoyed in that big city with fancy landmarks and rich history and culture. Not one thing? Seriously?
I tried to tell her this very gently to not further spoil her mood, but she didn't understand what I was saying. She said she doesn't want to lie about enjoying it, which I understand, but I don't understand how someone can be so unhappy and immune to appreciating the beauty of a foreign land. I believe she's acting somewhat spoiled. Some people really want to go to a big foreign city, especially for such an occasion, and not many people get to do so, so for her to just come back all pissy and displeased is aggravating.
During the trip she kept complaining over the phone about her clothing and her appearance and how much she hated it all - if you don't like how those clothes look, why did you wear them? If you think you're ugly, why don't you put more effort into your appearance instead of going belly-up and making it everyone else's problem? As a matter of fact, she is decently attractive. So I really don't get it.
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I get it - it's cool that they got to go, but it's fustrating when you know how you would make the most of it and they seemingly didn't and then they proceed to talk about how awful it was. I guess maybe she saw it as OK to tell you her true feelings because if she told the people she went with - she knew it would sound bad.

I've been there with people who emotionally dump like...all the time. I don't know if this is a one off for your friend or not - but it sucks when people do that because it is emotionally exhausting. OFC letting a friend vent from time to time and hearing their troubles is fine, but if it's all the time...nah.

If it is a one off, it sounds like the issue is more than just where they went to visit. Maybe they bigged up how the event was going to go in their mind - but things didn't work out and that just soured everything. It's like how some women obsess over their weddings and become "bridezillas" because they become obsessed on having the event match how they dreamed it would be. They've lost sight of what the event should be about really. Or maybe the "event" for your friend is triggering some big feelings that they are struggling to be honest with themselves about, so it's easier to just say "it's the city's fault this turned out bad"
 
I got pulled in by politsperging because of the stupid elections (something I absolutely loathe - politsperging, not elections. Although.....) and promised myself to simply do better from now on than to fall for that crap again. I can spend my time better than that and who is in charge anywhere in the west including my home country realistically will have no tangible effect on my very privileged life. Hate to admit it, but no matter the side - when it comes down to it they all make policies that benefit or at least not hurt people like me. I can't lie though, I am worried about the state of the western world and that worry has been a constant background noise for a few years at this point, like a nice tinnitus only just audible enough when I had the quiet time to think about everything and it's quite unlike like all the other worries of past decades. I guess the US elections were a catalyst in a way that brought me to talk about them but it simply is not something I can fix, especially not by sperging with random strangers about it. I'd argue that makes it worse. I'll keep voting. Best I can do.

I still have a stash of LSD pills which I remembered today, from a nice lab and everything. I was only used to shitty blotters way back in the day when I got my hands on these a bit ago and foolishly thought these must be about the same fudged doses and low quality and immediately went insane on a dose and quality I simply wasn't equipped for. I didn't quite experience full ego death but I certainly was sure I lost my mind forever. Luckily I managed to talk myself down and could narrowly avoid panic setting in and having a genuinely horrifying trip (especially since I was completely alone in a huge area with no help in sight, mistake number two although LSD has always been a very private drug for me personally) but it was quite unpleasant and stupid and something I am not keen on repeating. This was a while ago now and I wanted to throw them out but somehow can't bring myself to. I had some very cool and enlightening and relaxing experiences on this substance and I also guess somewhere I'm still imagining myself the cool cowboy from back in the day who lives on the edge and also only takes the cool drugs instead of some old dude with insurance and coasters and place who does my taxes and everything. No multi-country road trips in questionable cars to concerts and "meets", no contingency plans for police busting down the door in the morning, no sleeping on couches for ampleapricots anymore and I guess with that, maybe no LSD. At least I'm not driving a sports car, like some other old guy I saw the other week. Comb-over and blasting german pop music from the 80s. Dude.
 
So around 11-11:30 we had a power outage in town and Comcrap is still out. I am less than 5 minutes from one of two of our company's plants I do IT for, so naturally a bunch of automated service/equipment alerts fire off. I figure it's probably fine because the town has power but I should check because Comcast Business. Nope, plant is completely blacked out. Estimated restoration is 2-2:30. Wish this plant had a generator. At least I got to break in my Kiwi hoodie and now for 4 hours of sleep before my normal day starts
 
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in half a mind to quit my job and go full time on my game. not because i think it will make money, but because i'm sick of this job. the only reason i don't is because i know i have 0 capacity to self-direct and will never do anything ever without someone external breathing down my neck. it's like i'm the opposite of obsessive. oh well, back to writing dx12 instead of doing my job.
 
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Return of the Freaker said:
So around 11-11:30 we had a power outage in town and Comcrap is still out. I am less than 5 minutes from one of two of our company's plants I do IT for, so naturally a bunch of automated service/equipment alerts fire off. I figure it's probably fine because the town has power but I should check because Comcast Business. Nope, plant is completely blacked out. Estimated restoration is 2-2:30. Wish this plant had a generator. At least I got to break in my Kiwi hoodie and now for 4 hours of sleep before my normal day starts
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Power came back around 3 am. Everything seems normal onsite. Still no internet at home, projected restoration is 8 am. Fucking better be
 
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Procrastinating bc I have something big that must get finished today - a project that has been agonizing me for 8 months - and I'm afraid I've pushed it too far and won't get it done...soooooo, completely logically and sensibly, I'm pushing it farther.

I fucking hate when I do this. I've gotten so so so much better about it, but this one has me struggling. I literally have no more time. Get it together.

It's so stupid, and it's pure self-created misery. Not only do I not do what I need to do, I spend the whole time tense and useless - I don't even do anything else productive or go have fun, just sit frozen and doing nothing, superficially mindlessly scrolling or whatever. Meanwhile, very deep inside I'm berating myself, both for self-sabotaging and for thinking I dare to hope I deserve not to - you absolute fucking loser, you'll fail, you always choke [I don't but I have], you're fucking yourself, you're such an idiot. And at the equally fun middle level of simultaneous thinking are thoughts swirling about age and regret and à la recherche du temps perdu and how much much regret and mourn, which of course doesn't result in great self-talk, either, mostly blame, which combined with the fact there is no way to get time back, and the fact that I am in fact wasting and endangering my time now, is kind of bringing some panic and sadness and also making me want to scream and destroy things.

The bad news is that I just wrote all that, and it gave me a little bit of a headache (or that's the result of a late night, or both, but that's a problem for another day). The good news is that now I'm mad because fuck all that mopey scared noise; and remembering my spine clears my head, or at least re-compartmentalizes it, and gives me energy to push back and push ahead instead of feeling sorry for myself and manufacturing a "reason" not to get to work.

JFC just write the damn thing.
 
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Going somewhat cold turkey on sugar consumption withdrawl. Not taking into account the sucralose. Absolutely fucking insane and I have cravings at all times.
 
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