How are you doing? - Kiwi Farms Wellness Check

[(((I am NOT a jew)))]

The grass isn't always greener on the other side. At least you aren't in a horribly unsatisfying relationship with piss poor communication that you've been contemplating ending for an entire week.

At the risk of sounding out of line, please try not to harsh towards her for possibly getting assaulted. That's already enough to deal with on it's own. I'm not saying you can't judge her for the failings in the relationship, but make sure she's doing okay in regards to that.

As for relationships, I don't know guys. I'm not going to turn this into one long incel hugbox post but I really do find it hard to relate to women my own age. People joke about hagmaxxing but I honestly get it. Anymore I find myself longing for the type of woman I don't even know exists.

I think that's something that leaks into my life more and more, this reverence for the past. In my spare time I mostly watch old movies with my friend and we have this bittersweet appreciation for just how better things were. The colors and atmosphere, the people, the art, the unity in culture. I get some redditor will say how objectively things are "safer" now or every decade had it's shitty things but I've seen the world change so much in the last two decades into something I don't even want to contribute or be apart of anymore.
There's this nostalgia that I feel on a daily basis that almost hurts. I just wish I could find this escape or way to turn the world back into the kind it was.
I've stopped using the internet nearly as much and have seen a universal change in my general joy of life. But as soon as I open up youtube or just try to look anything up regarding something I like, I feel this immediate wave of cynicism and soullessness hit me. And that didn't happen a decade ago. So all I can do is almost recycle the past in a vain attempt to feel anything. My friend is in his fourties. The only people I really meet anymore who I feel are real are always decade or two older than me.

That's one of the hardest things for me anymore, is being born into a world that seemed to start having all of it's issues sorted out and how easy it was to find "your people" and seeing that become less and less of a thing. It really busts the balls. I've seen the homogenization of the world grow exceedingly and the bad guys win and don't know much to do about it other than be kind of happy whenever some CEO gets stabbed by someone with more balls than I have.


... ANYWAYS I was having a good night, right? ... Right? Yeah, I was having a good night.

 

[Ravier Xavenblood]

(((I am NOT a jew)))​

She actually said that she doesn't know if I'd support her if she did get sexually assaulted when we were arguing the night she broke the news. And you know what, I'd have probably have handled it poorly if that happened. I admit it and I'll leave it at that because I hate thinking about these things. But adding that guy's number in a fight or flight moment is forgivable. She was just trying to keep herself safe and pulling that off while under the influence takes a lot of mental fortitude.

But she still shouldn't have been there. I've told her numerous times that having margs with the girls is fine, but don't go clubbing or go to places that are full of horny, single men. She crossed that boundary a couple times in the past year and it was raising some serious red flags. The first time was when I was visiting her house and she was telling a story about how she and her coworker were at a club and her coworker was buying coke or doing some shady shit while trying to pick up guys. I was kind of out of it at the time but it raised an eyebrow and I brought up the story after I got home a few days later. I told her calmly that I think she crossed one of my boundaries by allegedly being in that environment and that I wasn't comfortable with her drinking in a place with single men and what did she do? She blew up at me in DM's and said that's not what she meant and that I heard it wrong.

Does that shit not sound like gaslighting to you? I backed off but that incident stuck with me. She was clearly guilty as fuck and deflecting.

The second incident was when she went out with these same coworker friends and they ended up going to a fucking strip club. The dancers were all female and they just wanted to chill there and get drinks, but still that's fucking bizarre for a bunch of straight women in relationships. I blew up at her for that too and of course she cried about it while at work and it poured more fuel on the resentment fire. I'm fucking tired of having a GF who does embarrassing shit like this. People have correctly pointed out that I don't talk very highly of her and this shit is why. I'm ashamed of her behavior.

I told her the same thing, I told her during the first incident "don't go to places full of horny men in shady parts of the city" and what happens a couple months after that? The fucking coke incident! It gets worse every fucking time and I know if this happens again, she might actually get assaulted or end up cheating on me like a drunk fucking retard.

This was the last straw. She's either too easily influenced for her own good, or she doesn't fucking care about my boundaries. And thinks I'll just forgive and forget. But I am reclaiming my masculinity and putting my fucking foot down. I'm tired of this bullshit. I'm not happy in this relationship and it's been hell on my mental state. I am not gonna be the Idubbz to her Anisa.

We're no good for each other and I think we both know it deep down. Only I'm not scared to admit it anymore.

 

[Core Theorist]

I lvoe my cat so much, that its unbelievable. I need to get a good job so I can feed my cat treats every day!

 

[Plantation Barbie]

I can hear the beep of my neighbor's smoke alarm battery echoing through my living room and it's driving me fucking mad. It's been going on for weeks. Can't even enjoy some peace and quiet in my own living room without hearing that horrid beeping.

 

[⋖ cørdion ⋗]

I think that's something that leaks into my life more and more, this reverence for the past. In my spare time I mostly watch old movies with my friend and we have this bittersweet appreciation for just how better things were. The colors and atmosphere, the people, the art, the unity in culture. I get some redditor will say how objectively things are "safer" now or every decade had it's shitty things but I've seen the world change so much in the last two decades into something I don't even want to contribute or be apart of anymore.
I've stopped using the internet nearly as much and have seen a universal change in my general joy of life. But as soon as I open up youtube or just try to look anything up regarding something I like, I feel this immediate wave of cynicism and soullessness hit me. And that didn't happen a decade ago. So all I can do is almost recycle the past in a vain attempt to feel anything. My friend is in his fourties. The only people I really meet anymore who I feel are real are always decade or two older than me.

Saw someone describe it as "the yearners". The hurt souls who yet hope for romance and success yet lack the means to pursue it. A very common trope in older movies despite those being the years where you were most likely to have a home and family from a random job. I've been to a lot of vintage museums, just recreations of carpenter workshops and tools, old cars, old radio posters, random collections of tidbits. Imagine being told 'you're gonna be a carpenter like dad', being shipped off to the capital and then coming home to become dad's replacement as the town's carpenter. Good pay, bad pay? Who cares as long as the bills are paid. A simple life.

How do you even meet people when using dating apps and going out to meet a potential partner are complete opposites of such desires? Who in their 30s are so stunted they'd stoop to going to a random dance or choir class hoping to meet age peers, if not they're alone for a reason? I see many a cute sad beige girl with greasy hair shopping alone before putting it into their little car. The kind who may've always been alone and up for grabs in their mature 30s. Reality is they're likely to be doomscrolling smokers who live completely unhealthy lives and see no reason to change anything about it. Who lack interest in trying new things just to spice life up. Who are fine with tiktok and frozen food.

I want to surround myself with people who do things with intent. For a "gamer" to mean someone who digs out their old PS2 for 35 mins before dinner,. I'd want nothing more in life than to have reason to completely ditch the internet because the only ones I want to talk to are people I know in real life. To reduce my gaming to remakes and remasters on a big TV that a partner wouldn't whine about cause they need to watch the 20th recap of foreign news. The kind you can arrange a small kayaking trip with. Someone who wants to experience. Yet, living such a full life means they're colorful and outgoing, already having had 3 potential life partners by the age of 30. Meeting any woman at my age, especially without children, means they're either too stunted to realistically settle down or so full of red flags everyone else passed on her.

 

[huesofmercury]

meh thats really just bout it

 

[Friend of Dorothy Parker]

We're no good for each other and I think we both know it deep down. Only I'm not scared to admit it anymore.

Agree with you on this.

For the rest, your "boundaries" are way off-base and OTT imo, and in her position I'd tell you to fuck off on principle*, but if those boundaries matter to you, then speak them and keep to them. Don't keep torturing her by making her cry and beg for your approval.

* I don't do drugs and never have, and I don't spend time around people who think it's part of a random night out. But no partner of mine will ever tell me what I can or cannot do. I have a brain; I'm a faithful and loyal person. It is up to me to make good choices. Some dipshit berating me for how I spend my faithful time would have exactly one opportunity to do that, and then it would be a moot point bc we would no longer know each other.

All of that is to say: you two have a very toxic dynamic. And so there's at least one random internet person agreeing you should end it.

 

[We Are The Witches]

I'm actually tired today...

But that means I'll have a wonderful sleep!

 

[Ravier Xavenblood]

Agree with you on this.

For the rest, your "boundaries" are way off-base and OTT imo, and in her position I'd tell you to fuck off on principle*, but if those boundaries matter to you, then speak them and keep to them. Don't keep torturing her by making her cry and beg for your approval.

* I don't do drugs and never have, and I don't spend time around people who think it's part of a random night out. But no partner of mine will ever tell me what I can or cannot do. I have a brain; I'm a faithful and loyal person. It is up to me to make good choices. Some dipshit berating me for how I spend my faithful time would have exactly one opportunity to do that, and then it would be a moot point bc we would no longer know each other.

All of that is to say: you two have a very toxic dynamic. And so there's at least one random internet person agreeing you should end it.

We talked more today. I told her I was thinking about throwing in the towel, but she seems to really, really want to try and work on this and IDK if I can give her what she wants.

She said I have controlling tendencies and the stuff I say to her when I fly off the handle is hurtful. I think those are both valid criticisms. She also thinks we might have met at a weird time and under very weird circumstances and yeah, it doesn't get any weirder than how we got to know each other. We were both going through some shit and trying to get out lives in order. I had just moved away from my parents for the first time in my life after escaping an abusive group of friends just a few months earlier. She was a League addicted NEET who was lonely and wanted to get her shit together. Both of our mental health wasn't in a very good place but we glommed onto each other. That was over 2 years ago.

I told her I'm upset with her piss poor planning, communication and just the lack of real attention I get when we're apart. I get that she has a job and a chronic illness that gives her constant fatigue, but come on. I felt really lonely especially during the holidays and I bottled it up by hitting the bottle instead. Not a good call.

All we can do now is keep talking about our problems.

 

[Not A Bunny]

Meeting any woman at my age, especially without children, means they're either too stunted to realistically settle down or so full of red flags everyone else passed on her.

I've had this particular problem, and I was stuck in this mindset myself.

Okay, look, I've had a pretty damaging experience of dating over the course of 5+ years over the age of 40, and for some god damn reason, I met a goldmine of a human being, and we've been together for more than half a year now.

How did that happen? Well, confluence of two things: one is that I gave myself a glow-up. You have no idea how much that changed things for me. I got more male attention last year than I've gotten my whole life and there is no one more shocked about it than me.

Second is, I put myself out there without any expectations whatsoever. I didn't sleep with anyone for yuks, but I also didn't go charging into a date thinking "Is this gonna be the guy?". In fact, I think the universe sent me my current guy after the first guy who took notice tried to get me right into bed and I set the expectation that I wasn't going to just because he presented me with the idea. Apparently, the universe heard me say I deserved better, and fuck me, he showed up less than two months later.

I'm not a big fan of the concept of manifesting, but shit, man, sometimes the universe listens.

All we can do now is keep talking about our problems.

If that's the case, congratulations, you've gotten yourself right into a sunken cost fallacy.

I know that's harsh, but I had to realize that myself at some point. I just wanted to still be married, because I was afraid of dating again (not an unfounded fear, mind you), but I can tell you right now, if you call it over and agree to stop hashing it over, what's going to happen is, you're going to feel lighter and less burdened because if you keep talking about your problems, all you're doing is reminding yourself that you have problems that are likely to persist if neither of you is willing to change.

Just a random internet stranger's opinion (and experience).

 

[DavidS877]

Well, the plane I've been using is finally fixed. Just in time for the weather to go back to rainy/windy/snowy/windy/windy and windy until May.

Guess I should work on one of my other 37 hobbies, like filling in the giant ruts in the driveway or trying to actually collect enough computer junk and trash to make a day trip to the big city(tm) where they actually have computer recycling places and a cheap trash dump. Which I guess is because that's where the nearest actual dump is and all us rural people get is a transfer station these days.

And dental work starts again Monday so that's gonna suck for a month or so.

 

[AnOminous]

I think that's something that leaks into my life more and more, this reverence for the past. In my spare time I mostly watch old movies with my friend and we have this bittersweet appreciation for just how better things were. The colors and atmosphere, the people, the art, the unity in culture.

The good old days weren't all that good. That said, I do too. I miss the '80s.

You had the original Apple ][ and it was awesome. The original NES console came out in 1983.

The Internet had just come into existence (it had been around a while even then but not really as an actual force), and it was like this exclusive club of really smart people all over the world that nobody knew about, a real secret club.

We seemed to be on the cusp of an information revolution and it was easy to get messianic about.

Also the music was really good.

And now we have this fucking shit instead.

 

[Agarathium1066]

Been working hard on getting the house in order for an important (but blessed be its short) visit. Tired as hell but the house is in the best shape its been in a good while. Tossed out a lot of things I'm realizing I don't need. So much pointless stuff that was just sitting around.

 

[huesofmercury]

forever meh as meh could ever be.

 

[The Lawgiver]

Ah, got notified from this thread and might as well update .
I'd say things were good, and "stability-ish" they're fine, but still the same stagnant hell of the last decade or so. Made progress finally towards some small craft projects I've been piecemealing supplies together for the last 5 years to the dismay and rage of literally everyone in my immediate family, head still fucking hurts on and off, constantly haunted by fully rational existential dread, and despite all this I'm pretty ok! At least I was until some shit I got sidelined with tonight. Physically? mentally? Still very much ok! Mood and hope for future prospects and fun times with long time friends? HAHA! AHAHAHAHAHA! FUCK! No, I'm not going to go into it for obvious reasons. Just know I'm going to have another reason to hate the fake ass world that's been forming the last 10 years.

 

[Ratboy Genius]

Wholesome image posting volume 3 ~

Spoiler

: ) thank you for checking out my silly pics

 

[(((I am NOT a jew)))]

Meeting any woman at my age, especially without children, means they're either too stunted to realistically settle down or so full of red flags everyone else passed on her.

I'm sorry. I like most of your posts but sometimes they really lean way into overt cynicism like this.
This is the kind of behavior that disturbs me about the modern world. Something I don't think anyone should really have to deal with. I see it happen to men the most but this idea that someone being alone in their thirties or anytime because they're obviously some defective unit that smells bad and should just kill themselves rubs me the wrong way, and is one of the overt reasons I think we're in the societal collapse we're in.
That woman (or man) could have been in multiple horrible relationships that crushed whatever small self-esteem she had from a difficult childhood. S/he could have had a friend group disbanded and found it hard to start a new one. She could be by herself because like a lot of people, she finds the extremely sociopathic shallow and absolutely gay the majority of the world functions anymore not for her.
I would just be careful on jumping the gun on every potential woman you see in a restaurant by herself is that way "for a reason".
Don't get me wrong I'm kind of a sexist myself but I have a limit. You're limiting the potential people you might really vibe with in life by dismissing an entire section by not being up to your standards. That's the kind of thing the average white woman of TikTok does.

The good old days weren't all that good. That said, I do too. I miss the '80s.
....
And now we have this fucking shit instead.

Thanks for understanding.
It's just weird to feel like you were born on the tail-end of something really beautiful and to see it evaporate in your hands in what seems to be an instant.
I think one big thing for me is just I miss people not being pussies. I didn't even grow up in the 80s but I felt that just general vibe growing up in the 00-10s where people just stopped giving into pressure. Society collectively told pretty much all of the overt religious right and the pearl-clutching left to fuck themselves in droves. We just didn't have time to care. Now we practically all take turns washing their balls because everyone thinks they "have to".
"Oh, you're just mad you can't say nigger anymore."
Yes, actually.
I know there's a whole host of reasons the world sucks but if I'm being honest we all know the elephant in the room is the moment we officially kowtowed to people saying we couldn't say or act certain ways is the exact moment society did a summersault of a death spiral.
It just seems like now most of internet culture literally is structured around trying to be the embodiment of an office job party where nobody really wants to be there and everybody knows it's bullshit but they still go out of their way to try to "behave themselves".
There's still real people out there but you have to avoid the internet like a plague to meet them.
Not saying people should be saying gamer words like a retard all the time. But the world WAS better when they were able to.
I think the scariest thing to me isn't being here but thinking this is all it's going to ever be like. I know some people can just sigh and move on but the arts were the one thing I really loved growing up. And I just have to wonder if for the next several decades music, film and architecture are going to become more bland, committee driven and soulless.
Shit legit terrifies me sometimes.
I try to keep myself busy anymore but yeah it's rough out here.

 

[⋖ cørdion ⋗]

We talked more today. I told her I was thinking about throwing in the towel, but she seems to really, really want to try and work on this and IDK if I can give her what she wants.

Once you're at that point it's unlikely to really grow back if not "on/off since childhood" hollywood type ass dynamics. If you met as adults, dated and got together, organically then growing apart, that shit won't change overnight. I've had a few relationships blow up, seem stronger the next few days until it happens again. You're just fundamentally different. If my cat scratched me out of nowhere I'd fear that shit happening again forever. If a partner explained faults and shortcomings not by means of trying to be 'meta' about it, but rather just straight up hostile, I'd fear that coming again at a later date. For you and them both, seemingly.

That woman (or man) could have been in multiple horrible relationships that crushed whatever small self-esteem she had from a difficult childhood. S/he could have had a friend group disbanded and found it hard to start a new one. She could be by herself because like a lot of people, she finds the extremely sociopathic shallow and absolutely gay the majority of the world functions anymore not for her.

It's very cynical but it's also rooted in truth. You can't have made it past the 30s and not have experienced a lot of different things in life. At this point you've had sex, smoked, maybe done drugs, been abroad 3 times, been to a high-end restaurant and posted pics of it on your instagram. If you haven't amassed a "fancy lifestyle" (of at least 4 pictures on a dating profile) by now, either you're specifically trying to live a low and mundane life, which I sort of am, or you've really not engaged with life itself. Shit, I'd consider myself an inexperienced loser but I've done most of the aforementioned things. In a surface level 5 minute conversation I'd say I've been through uni, been to America, solo travelled twice, have my own apartment and car, aspirations for my career and want to experience things. If I read that in a chick's tinder bio I'd think "what a tryhard".

Still, reality is that even the most mundane woman get more romantic options throughout life than a dude, and if you're not just lucky to find a decent boring brunette in between partners at this point, something is wrong. Either she's got two black kids, she had a child at 19, or she's a 'career woman' (who parties for a living). School really is the last point in time you're forced into a social space with other people who are of all kinds of creeds. Join a choir club today, you'll find choir people. Hang out on Discord, you'll find gamers and programmers. Work is practically the only place you'll be likely to bump into "any kind of person", and dating in the workplace sucks.

Again, this entire ordeal is in relation to the dating app mindset. In real life, I can groom myself into being head-over-heels over the most mundane, average, low effort chick with no education. Thankfully I'm not as incel-esque as I am online, but obviously there'd be no fun in "Me like nice girls " and leaving at that. Online is specifically where people portray themselves in the way they want to, and when you see an educated, achieved mother act like a thot online, yeah it digs into my hate towards women. As a dude in a female-dominated field, most of whom could be my grandparents, I quite like working with them. Hell, I love women. Exactly seeing movies and stories about these broken women whom's thoughts you can hear is liberating cause it reminds me that normal kind unlucky-with-love women exist. But all I'm exposed to is thottery and single mothers. I'm not even above dating a single mother, but rarely does it not come in way of "I just HAD to have a kid at 19" or "I had 3 kids with a man before realizing he wasn't nice". It's not "Oh god I'm crumbling and need someone to mutually cling to" which is often the romantic angle they use for movies.

Either way: This applies also in relation to internet and phone usage. I straight up don't bring my phone to work sometimes and don't even notice, meanwhile you see these old people playing wordfeud or doomscroll local news on their phones as soon as possible. Each of them capable of talking for hours on end about whatever, yet choose rather to stare into their phone. I've scrapped mine of apps to the point I open it, open KF, stare at the same 3 topics as 20 mins ago and put it away. Why even bring it at that point? But I'm also not autistic enough to get a dumbphone and act all holier-than. I opened LinkedIn for once and read a story of an apparently local celebrity train conductor who did the whole "if you can stare up from your phones for a second-" speech over the train's systems and it actually made people self-aware for the whole ride. Which yknow, lasted for maybe 15 mins before they resumed.

 

[(((I am NOT a jew)))]

But I'm also not autistic enough to get a dumbphone and act all holier-than.

Shit, I'd consider myself an inexperienced loser but I've done most of the aforementioned things. In a surface level 5 minute conversation I'd say I've been through uni, been to America, solo travelled twice, have my own apartment and car, aspirations for my career and want to experience things. If I read that in a chick's tinder bio I'd think "what a tryhard".

In real life, I can groom myself into being head-over-heels over the most mundane, average, low effort chick with no education.

I'm not even above dating a single mother, but rarely does it not come in way of "I just HAD to have a kid at 19" or "I had 3 kids with a man before realizing he wasn't nice".

Again... I think you're having an extremely judgmental view of this kind of thing that shows a lack of empathy. I'm not gonna go on some whiteknight screed about how all women always choose right and are never in the wrong. But again it kind of reminds me of the type of behavior that I find toxic in younger women nowadays.
"We're all having a loneliness crisis. It's hard to connect with anyone. But if only the options were better! I'm lonely because no one's as cool as I am."
Some people haven't gone to uni or had a normal life because they did have to have kids at 19. Some people didn't have the luxury to travel or do crazy shit because life got in the way. Some people did have three kids with the guy who wasn't nice but had to deal with it for the sake of their kids because narcissists tend to take their time grinding a person down.
So you want a woman who isn't eating lasagna on a Friday night watching reruns of their favorite show, but you would find it cringe if they listed all the ways they were outgoing in a bio?
I just don't see why if you truly have your shit together more than all these old hags that you'd have to use dating apps in the first place? Couldn't you find them out in the wild while going on a wildlife expedition or at a career conference?

I'm being a bit of a dick but I truly don't care for this modern age shit of people saying how lonely they are while rejecting half of the options available to them because they're just too "low" for them.
You don't gotta fuck tatted up old fat women or simp for a femcel but you're casting out a large section of women you could have a lot in common with, the types that might actually post on here or be somewhat similar... because they're not checking off the mental image you have of the "proper" woman.

 

[Ravier Xavenblood]

Thank you, everyone for the advice. In an ideal world, I'd have some close IRL friends to talk about this with but that doesn't seem to be in the cards anymore. I think I'm gonna pull the plug on this relationship this evening and I'm scared as hell. The weight of the world is on my shoulders and I'm worried she's going to crash out.

This really sucks but in the end, this relationship just isn't worth the mental anguish. I've been resenting it for a long time and I feel more like a caregiver than an equal partner. All our talked-about ideas for me moving up to be closer to her only involved ME moving all my stuff, finding housing and getting a job completely on my own while she'd barely lift a finger to help. I want an equal partner who can put in equal effort, and I've never seen that from her.

Maybe it would've worked if we both had our shit together mentally, lived closer together and had clear cut goals and timeframes but that wasn't how it happened. But I don't have the energy to fight for this shit anymore.