How are you doing? - Kiwi Farms Wellness Check

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Today I finished shaving with my safety razor and then felt my face and it turned out that I had just spent several minutes stroking my face with a piece of metal without an actual razor blade in it, having returned from several weeks on holiday at the end of which I had removed the blade from the razor before putting it away to travel.

Says something good about the quality of the blades I buy I guess.
 
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Complicated.
The good:
-husband has not had a single nightmare for a week and a half since I put up a dream catcher, this has not happened ever for him, usually he gets plagued by several a night since childhood and is lucky if he gets 3 nights without one. I have never seen him so happy and energetic!
-Father in law is getting remarried to a not bitch, wedding is in 10 days and I'm anxious happy (you know when you're really excited but it turns into stress despite being happy? That)
-I'm much fitter and healthier than I have ever been in my life at 30, and am handling weather changes that used to put me out completely for weeks, and have only needed to recover over the course of 2 days + the days that were suck.
-been having a lot of success training my cockatiels and will be getting some extra chickens soon!!
-had a successful surgery and know it's not cancerous!

I stay at home so I have no reason to have anxiety, any of that.

The not so good- (minor pl)
-found out my aunt died a few weeks ago, didn't know but wasn't particularly close with her. Uncle is also dying. They were druggies but I know it hurts my father deeply.
-losing people this time of year just kinda already sucks, as I have 3 deaths now between Jan and march.

-not a new problem, but the last 6ish years from moms death, been plagued with nightmares of arguements with her. It's gotten pretty bad recently with the excitement of the wedding. Reaaaaaally hoping it doesn't fuck with me. Don't want to bring down the mood on such a happy occasion. The most common is the most painful, when I had a bad day at college, got into an arguement and that's how I found out she had cancer.
I had a very happy life with her, but the dreams plague me bad enough that it's really difficult to remember happy memories anymore with her. Dreamcatcher is working on me too, but those are for nightmares, not memories.
-overall feeling of isolation. For some strange reason happened after the surgery. Anxiety disorder also kicked up pretty bad and am still waiting for it to chill the fuck back out. Crazy thing is I know my meds work, it'd be waaaaaay worse, like chronic agoraphobia worse.
-guilt over the bad feelings. I don't work, I'm healthy, I don't have any reason to feel anxious or depressed. I'm usually a very happy person but been struggling since January, feel like I should be over the deaths of brother and mom by now but am not.

Overall- very happy I don't have any little barghast pups to pass on this neuroticism to, lol.
 
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Feeling like I want to kill myself after fucking everything up in the last month or so. I genuinely feel like a monster and that nothing is going to be better. Im medicated, I have a stable job, good schooling, everything and yet as usual I manage to find a way to fuck it up. It's my fault but I still feel cursed and upset about it. I wish I could fix it but I can't.
 
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Lots of shit on my plate. So after 13 years, my employer just shitcanned me. I suspect it was a practice run for shutting down our office in Appalachia. Needless to say, for the last two weeks, I've has nothing but frantic calls from managers and customers wondering why my email isn't working. What sucks is I was about $10k away from having my house fully paid off. I've spent the last 13 years doing electrical engineering/field work/ and of late, customer training. Everything from ports, mining, steel mills, paper mills, water and electrical company's, all the way to aerospace.

I got three options.

1) major turbine company. It's for field work. Pros- no need to move. The shutdown periods for power plants are pretty static (spring and fall). No chance of running into ex coworkers. Kind of recession proof. Cons- initial pay is about one half what I currently make. No overtime and travel pay until I'm certified and train. Basically I take a massive pay cut for two years. It's also just steam turbines. I think I would get bored.

2) Electrical company out of Salt Lake City. Pro- I already know these people. I worked with them a lot. Pretty sure I can asked for a 20% pay raise due to the cost of living or at the very least, get what I was getting in Appalachia. Cons- I will absolutely be certain to deal with my old company constantly. Chances are, I will be contracted out to do my previous job. It will also involve field work. Basically it's my old job, in a new city, with medium voltage commissioning, but with a smaller company and most likely no international travel. Have to sell my house.

3) a Houston gig with one of the old field engineers my old company royally fucked over. He started his own company and just does contract work for the original company. It's pretty much out of his house but he poached a shit load of field guys. This would be almost all field work. Lots of overtime and travel. I would have to move to Houston which is one of my least favorite cities on the planet. I think I make the most money with this job.

I really don't want to sell my house. I like where I live and even if I sell my place, at best, I get maybe $200k, which doesn't get me shit in SLC or Houston.

I'm not exactly scrambling for funds, but I'm bouncing off the walls. This is the first time I've been out of a job since I was 14. It sucks. I also realize I come off like an asshole considering how bad this economy is for so many people.
 
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I'd say things are starting to look up on my end; my boss has decided to transfer me over to day shift, which a couple of my co-workers have said is easier overall - both because you don't have to work overnight as well as because the duties involved are a bit more low-key. Granted, I have yet to work the day shift itself, so I'm not entirely sure on how it's supposed to run as of yet, but if feeling good about it overall; the schedule change is easier on my sleep, at least.

Writing's coming along pretty well, too; still mostly storyboarding at this point, but it's certainly better than nothing. Character design's still incomplete, but the worldbuilding is progressing nicely.
 
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I ran out of my antidepressants a while back, haven't been able to get them refilled because of insurance bs. It was hard with the withdrawals, but I actually feel better than before now? I have the motivation and the want to do shit. I probably got on them too early in life, honestly. It's weird. But hey, I'll take it.
 
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Shitted Scaredless said:
I ran out of my antidepressants a while back, haven't been able to get them refilled because of insurance bs. It was hard with the withdrawals, but I actually feel better than before now? I have the motivation and the want to do shit. I probably got on them too early in life, honestly. It's weird. But hey, I'll take it.
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Were they SSRI's? I recently crawled back to the anti-depressant hell and SSRI's made me really drowsy so now I'm on SNRI's. They still fuck with your serotonin which is meant to be the part of your brain that is meant to motivate you to do shit but I feel like the SNRI's balance it out well and I do feel more high energy. Though I think the main issue for why I'm depressed and why despite taking anti-depressants I still don't feel too motivated to do shit is the same: there just isn't anything to do where I'm at and I don't know if there is anything that I could do to keep me motivated and active. I do feel like it inhibited my risk assessment a bit, but maybe that's exactly what I need, stop moping about doing shit and just start doing shit.
 
Slav Power said:
Were they SSRI's? I recently crawled back to the anti-depressant hell and SSRI's made me really drowsy so now I'm on SNRI's. They still fuck with your serotonin which is meant to be the part of your brain that is meant to motivate you to do shit but I feel like the SNRI's balance it out well and I do feel more high energy. Though I think the main issue for why I'm depressed and why despite taking anti-depressants I still don't feel too motivated to do shit is the same: there just isn't anything to do where I'm at and I don't know if there is anything that I could do to keep me motivated and active. I do feel like it inhibited my risk assessment a bit, but maybe that's exactly what I need, stop moping about doing shit and just start doing shit.
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Most likely. I should also note, though it's a PL, I've been on them since roughly thirteen. I do still feel like trash off them, but I also have the energy and want to do things that will at least take my mind off it.

Also I feel you on that last part. On and off my meds I'm unfortunately a chronic doom scroller. So it's hard to get out of that. But I've been trying. I'm going for a walk today, you should too if you can. It helps a bit.
 
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Difficult. I've been doing okay until today.

I think it stems from 2 events.
  • I had a meeting with my boss about my performance. My boss has an AI fetish, it's....something else. But that meeting triggered the worst of my self-doubting tendencies and now I'm over here, trying not to spiral over it.

  • Fucking hormones. I ran out of my contraceptive pills. I don't take them for action, I take them for stabilizing my mood during bloodbath week and easing the blood flow so I can actually sleep at night, although that has been slowing down a little since I lost weight.
[*]
Sometimes though, regardless of the time of the month, it'd be nice to actually experience the joys of a normal life without abusive parents, a failed childhood, a failing system, shitty foster family, diagnosis, and that thing that happened in 2021. I'm doing what I can to mitigate all that but they left some deep ass scars on my soul.

I hope the mood improves tomorrow. The store finally had that one Monster flavor in stock, so I wanna enjoy it without constantly thinking I'm as useless as Chris-Chan's work history.

Also, those tax returns and I am feeling inches of excitement to upgrade my laptop's RAM.
 
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Shitted Scaredless said:
though it's a PL, I've been on them since roughly thirteen
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Kinda same, but it was due to a really bad case of OCD with one of the meds being an SSRI. Ended up hitting 105kg at max, though not due to the SSRI, and after I went off that med cocktail I dropped down to 73kg with my OCD still being in the "can function normally" range. Not only did it feel good to finally be off of the meds, it felt good to be at a normal weight, though I can't help but think about whether or not they've permanently altered my brain in some way. They, with the OCD, definitely altered my childhood, but it's not like I can fix that so it's best not to think about it, not everyone is meant to have a perfect life after all.

I keep thinking about committing to a weekly gym regime just to get stronger for my own sake and do something more productive than the same habitual computer screen staring sessions but I still constantly end up lingering at home after work. Seems simple enough, I got the outfit, I got a car, I got the money, yet I cannot get myself to change my action from "sit at home" to "go to the gym", always telling myself I'll do it later. At least working at a hardware store during spring gives me a workout of it's own and I get plenty of social contact so I won't go completely crazy. The internship pay is trash though but at the same time I don't want to drop it just yet.
 
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Arv3k said:
Any way you can combine the two?
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You think I didn't try? I have a dumbbell and a training mat. Both gathering dust because I don't feel like exercising in the same place where I have "my entire world": the computer. At least when I have a job I have a reason to go out of the house, but after that? No more drive to do anything and no idea how to find it. And I know that the problem is somewhere with me but I keep running around in circles with no idea how to fix my brain. I'm not asking for advice since I realized I don't listen to it when I ask for it, and every time it always comes back to me.

The best part is that I have no one to meet. Not even IRL friends. When everyone already figured their shit out and moved out of this shithole, I'm still stuck here trying to figure out the basics that I should've figured out back in high school. I could contact them but I feel like it would be a shit move, nor would I know how to start a conversation like that or what it would give me. Now I'm completely at a loss as for what I should do with my life to move forward. I could coast as I do right now, but at the same time I don't want to because I've coasted for far too long. I don't know.
 
DavidS877 said:
I assume you've looked at making it a rental and found it wouldn't work where you are despite the "Housing Crisis" that the Internet is whining about.
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Where I am at, it's a crapshoot of what kind of tennants I could end up with. I think I would be devastated is some meth heads tricked me and destroyed the place I restored.

I was really planning on dying in this place, as macabre as that sounds.

There is a nearby college/medical school but what kind of student needs a five bedroom, three bath, with a garage, house, overlooking a mountain valley?

Losing the job is one thing. The way this moron HR asshole, who didn't even understand what I did, nor what the company does for that matter, completely upended my life, I'm just really pissed.
 
JustStopDude said:
Where I am at, it's a crapshoot of what kind of tennants I could end up with. I think I would be devastated is some meth heads tricked me and destroyed the place I restored.

I was really planning on dying in this place, as macabre as that sounds.

There is a nearby college/medical school but what kind of student needs a five bedroom, three bath, with a garage, house, overlooking a mountain valley?

Losing the job is one thing. The way this moron HR asshole, who didn't even understand what I did, nor what the company does for that matter, completely upended my life, I'm just really pissed.
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Perhaps you could very, very carefully screen one or two students (or whoever) and rent individual rooms to them. You'd be there to keep an eye on things.
 
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obsdj said:
Perhaps you could very, very carefully screen one or two students (or whoever) and rent individual rooms to them. You'd be there to keep an eye on things.
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Unfortunately, most of my job options are out of state. I would basically be gone for months on end at a time.

I think it would almost be better to just prep the place to be sort of like a vacation home, live in some shithole apartment out of state, and then pay someone to check on it on a regular basis.

This is all just shit I never even considered less than three weeks ago.
 
This week has left me exhausted after being so busy, next week isn't less busy either.
 
Going to do some extra work on removing trees on an old 92-year-old retired marine's property. He is going to pay us first, then head to the gym, like damn. That dude is from the silent generation, not even boomers, and he still works out, and he has a fucking challenge too.
 
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